Memories
by notsusan30gmail.com
Summary: I'm new to this site, but for the long time I've had on my mind some story and now I want to share it with you. It's about Brittany S. Pierce and Santana Lopez (Brittana), as my favorite characters and also best couple of Glee. Story will be updated once a week. Get ready for long-term thing. I hope you enjoy it and forgive me language mistakes (English is not my first language).
1. Chapter 1 - Once upon a time, in other w

**_PART I – Running away from memories_**

 **CHAPTER 1 – Once upon a time, in other words how it all began**

 ** _Lima, late spring 2014, Saturday_**

 _Mem'ries,  
Light the corners of my mind_

Sitting alone in Breadstix made me sad and some kind of nostalgically happy in the same time. Much time passed since we had been there together and much more since our first visit, but for me it had always been "our place".

 _Scattered pictures,_

 _Of the smiles we left behind_

 _Smiles we gave to one another_

Barbra's voice in the background made me think about Rachel, she would be excited to hear her idol and definitely would sing along. It could be fun even despite the fact that she had always been so serious about all that "Streisand – cult". Having any companion also might have potential of helping me in that waiting thing. But no one from my friends was there, so I was left alone only with my own memories … and Barbra's song about _Mem'ries_.

 _Can it be that it was all so simple then?  
Or has time re-written every line?_

During my stay at Massachusetts Institute of Technology memories had been my only friends, the loyal ones. Every evening of last year, when I had been back at my room, most of time alone, cause my roommate had been such a party-focused crazy girl, I had been left with my past. Walking down the same path over and over again, in my mind I had been recreating all happy moments. I had been thinking about being part of Glee, dancing it had always been my great passion and still it was, being around everybody from club it had simply felt good. Frequently I had been going back to most precious moment, the one when Santana finally had been ready to ask me to hold her hand, even under napkin it had been fabulous, then our lovely Friday dates …. mmm … and making love … but recreating sex alone could have been dangerous … Only sometimes, rather rarely bad pictures had attacked me, like our break up … but most of my memories had been good and most of them, no …, definitely all of them had included Santana …

But after the whole year during which I had been living with memories, focused on recreating them, I was sick of all these pictures going through my head, I wanted and was ready to stop embracing the past and finally start to create new memories, to open new chapter of my life … of our life, I hoped. Cause I couldn't imagine my life without my one and only true love.

 _If we had the chance to do it all again  
Tell me, would we? Could we?_

Barbra's song took me in the sentimental mood anyway. So until Santana would decide to come to me I would have my memories, memories of "us together" to re-live once again. And I was sure that like nothing else in that world, memories were something stable in my life, something that nobody could take from me, never. My memories about everything which included her were so clear and lasting. I predicted that even when I would be seventy or more, I would be able to see her face with every mimic gesture from the moment, when she had been singing " _Songbird_ " with tears in her eyes.

I was aware that there were many people around me, they might stare at me, surprised but my behavior, but I didn't care, I just wanted to close my eyes and went back again ... all the way but with different ending ...

 ** _Lima, 5 years earlier, spring 2009_**

We had just won our first Regionals with Cheerios, it was amazing, to be a part of something successful. I had been waiting for something like that for so long, I had always found myself … I really didn't know ... I guessed that as an outsider, little freak, whom nobody took seriously, maybe the way I had been acting justified it. It had been easier to be little dumb blonde. I had learned that when I had been nine or ten and since then had been using it as my defense. But sometimes I had wanted something else for me. Being a Cheerio definitely could do it for me. That day was so amazing, I was a part of the winning team, and I shared that success with my friends and of course with my best friend.

We were fifteen at that time and wanted to celebrate. In our imaginations there was no better way to do it than hitting Breadstix. I had never been there before, so I was quite excited. But Santana couldn't stop talking about how it would increase our social status at school. She said that out loud in every possible way. Despite the fact that we were best friends, and I totally admired everything about her, that overreacting thing and too much carrying about what other people could think of her had never been my favorite part of Santana Lopez.

So we went there, took our sits, and started to have fun. Group of twelve Cheerios, in their uniforms, singing and laughing, taking pictures to later post it on facebook or somewhere else, to show everybody that we were the winners and had fun like older guys and girls from school, in the best spot point in Lima. I couldn't remember what we were talking about or laughing about, but time was spinning so fast while enjoying ourselves, so unexpected it was 11 PM and we had to leave because they were closing. We parted in groups, said goodbyes and everybody went in their directions. Santana and I, we weren't so close neighbors, but since becoming best friends we had always walked home together. And that night wasn't different in that respect, but it was late so we argued about who discharged whom to home. I hadn't thought about it earlier, it wasn't planned, I just gave my unexpected proposal, without idea that it could have so many aftermaths.

\- Santana, I don't really like to argue with you so maybe we can stop this little fight, come to my house it's much closer, my parents are out of town for weekend, we can watch some movie, sing Queen's " _We are the champions_ ", and tomorrow morning you can go back home all by yourself hmmm? – I put so many words in one sentence, it wasn't typical for me. Even after so many years I still couldn't figure that out why I said that, it just happened, it wasn't planned, I didn't asked my parents about that ... I didn't thought about possible consequences, but I said it quickly to stopped Santana in case if she wanted to interrupt and say " _no_ ". As if predicted that it could be really important night for both of us.

\- It's not so bad idea Britt, I'll text my parents to let them know that I'm staying with you. – And my trick with massive speed of words worked well, there wasn't " _no_ " for an answer.

They just texted her back with ok. It was about midnight when we sat on the couch in my living room, without any strange feelings, hesitations, plans. Like we had always done, close to each other, so comfortable and open, carefree. Without any hidden motives, secrets, desires. I truly believed that was true then.

\- So what do you want to watch San? – I asked pointing in the direction of my parents' collection of DVD.

\- Hmmmm … – She took some time to think. – You know Britt, I'm not into watching anything, I'm in the mood for dancing. – She winked.

\- After all these routines on Regionals? – I was surprised cause despite the fact that dancing was my passion, that day I was tired of it.

\- Yee, definitely ...

So we turned on some music channel, and just had fun. Taking advantage of empty house, we jumped, danced, screamed ... That was the way careless happiness looked like, I guessed.

 ** _Back in present day_**

Since we had met half year before that night of victory at Regionals, we had became inseparable, together at school, at Cherrios, walking back home, doing homework, we could have talked about everything or just sat together, each one in their thoughts and still comfortable even in silence. Now I knew that only with closest people you could enjoy silence, with others it was always awkward. Then, five years ago I had simply liked her, she had been and she still was my first real friend, I could and had been able to count on her. But that particular evening or rather night had changed everything ... forever. Thinking about it five years later I was still sure that I didn't regret all the steps on our way, I just didn't want that way to come to an end …

 ** _5 years earlier, spring 2009 (the same night …)_**

It was about 2 AM when I started to feel too tired to dance and jump any longer. Santana was full of energy, like some little kitten released from the closure.

\- I'm exhausted and I'm going to bed San...

\- So should I stay here on the couch? – She asked little worried.

\- Noo ...of course, no! You have two options, sleep with me or at my parents' bedroom. Hm? – When I was saying that words I was subconsciously hoping that she would choose first option, but still I was not aware of my own motivation.

\- Hell no, no me gusta … I won't sleep in some old people's bed, where they uhhh ... I don't even want to think about it, nooo way.

\- So choice is mad, right? My bed is wide enough for both of us. – It was stupid comment, we had spent so many hours in my bedroom in last few months, I didn't have to explain that … " _Britt are you nervous or what? And why?_ "

She just shook her head as " _yes_ " and we went upstairs. I focused on taking care of my guest. I found for her new toothbrush, some clean underwear, towels and then left her alone in bathroom. It took her fifteen minutes to take a shower and got ready to sleep. In the meantime I prepared bed, changed linens. She was the one who went to bed first, and when I was ready to join her, she was already asleep. I saw her profile in the light of street's lantern, she was perfect while sleeping, I smiled lightly to myself and silently took my side of bed. Falling asleep was easy after so long and exhausting day. But I wasn't prepared for what came next. I was dreaming, but it was so real …

 _I was at school like every weekday, in Cheerios' cloakroom probably after training, but it was different, that silence was strange cause it was always so noisy, I was taking one step after another, as if I didn't know where I was and where I had to go. But then I heard little noise, it was water, I heard drops of water falling, I went to that direction, from where it was coming and I saw her … wet brown hair along her back, her hands going through them so slowly … opening a view of her breasts, olive skin and nipples … she was taking shower … I saw her that way almost every day after training, but then, in my dream somehow I felt different, something compelled me to go to her. Although I was in my clothes I went into the shower, I felt my heart pumping so fast and that was the reason why I grabbed her from behind, turned her around very fast, what gave me feeling of her wet hair on my face and then like in slow motion I kissed her ... I had never kissed anyone before, but in that dream I exactly knew how it felt to kiss Santana ..._ I woke up, little panicked and overwhelmed by a feeling of the heat propagating from inside of me. I opened my eyes and saw her face so close to mine, without any time to think I just "made my dream come to reality" and kissed her gently. She woke up then or maybe in that particular moment she was still asleep, but she kissed me back or even started to kiss me more passionate. All the things after that kiss happened so quickly, in few second we were out of our underwear, naked next to each other, feeling our hearts beating so fast, kissing passionately not only our lips, but necks, breasts, and then totally natural it came for us to have sex. Even if at age of fifteen I had never been thinking about having sex with a girl, and not much about having sex with boys either, our fingers found wet places only waiting to be explored, we gave each other so much pleasure and then just felt asleep in our arms. My first time, my first night with Santana, and it all just happened like in a dream, like dream came true.

 ** _Back in present day_**

... I came back to reality, I didn't want to think about all that staff which had happened next. All these months or even years of struggling with our feelings. No regrets but I just hoped that we could finally learn how to communicate well and express our feeling better. So I was waiting for her just like I said I would, waiting there with my love. But memories just haunted me once again.

 ** _5 years earlier, spring 2009 (morning after)_**

I woke up and without any hesitation opened my eyes. Ready to see her beautiful face, hug her hot body and kiss her until we couldn't catch our breaths. Even some naughty thought crossed my mind that maybe we could recreate our amazing night ... I felt happiness and so called butterflies in my stomach … But there in my bed I was alone. Santana, already in her clothes, I meant Cherrio uniform, was taking care of her hair in front of the cupboard. I saw her face in the mirror, I couldn't read anything from her, she was just focused on her reflection. She probably spotted me, cause she turned around with a smirk.

\- I have never known that you are such a genius Britt … – She said that with a lot of enthusiasm.

\- Duuh … – I just mumbled, not knowing what she was referring to, maybe she was thinking about orgasms I had given her last night.

\- It's a shame that I have never thought about it before, it's the best way to practice! – Excitement in her voice increased even more.

\- Hmm … I don't really know what do you mean San?

\- Now we are ready to get hottest hunks from football team, we are no longer virgins, and we are ready to seduce them, we can choose and nobody will …

She probably stopped because she spotted that my month were wide open and I was staring at her with big " _?_ " in my eyes, I couldn't get what she was talking about, or maybe I was too stupid to got that joke. I was confused.

\- What's with you Britt-Britt?

\- Nothing, I guess … I just …

\- No matter Britt, it's all great and I'm not mad at you that it was your idea not mine, the most important thing is the result, right? And it could be really big chance for both of us.

\- Yes, ok … – I said that but I didn't know what the hell she was talking about, maybe we had been dreaming totally different dreams that night.

 ** _Back in present day_**

Why couldn't I think about any other nights that we had spent together, there were so many wonderful memories of making love as a couple, happy couple and everything what I was able to focus on was our first time, hmm … It had been great in physical way, but on the other hand it had hurt me, that whole crap which had came next, just had hurt me. I had always been able to hide that, especially from Santana, but then I had come to the point when it hadn't been about hiding feelings anymore, good or bad. Few hour ago I had showed her how I had felt, in a selfish way, maybe, but I had finally grown to do that – to put my feelings in the first place. And I was hoping that for both of us it could turn out just right. I was sure that all the way, from the very beginning, from the first night, there had been love, care and desire between two of us. We used to deny it, and we could do that as often as we wanted to, but it wouldn't disappear. I really hoped that this time Santana wouldn't deny us the way she used to do. In the first years of our relationship, it had been about her own sake, about coming out, but now it was behind us. Later somehow she had been thinking that I would be better without her and I had pushed her to pursue her dream of big career. But now I was selfishly hoping that without me she couldn't find happiness, even in New York, like I couldn't be happy without her no matter where I was. At that moment in Breadstix and few hours before, at school, I was for 100% sure that we both finally knew who we were, so it was all about defining what could make us happy, what we really wanted from life. I knew that I needed her in my life, I needed Santana to share everything with, I had learned from my mistakes – I loved her so much, I didn't want to let her go. Even if I had to let go of MIT, of Lima, and had to try to find something for me in New York, I would feel ok with that, cause I knew that she was the most important part of my life, and no matter what would I do, being with her would put sense into everything. Sitting there alone I only hoped that she would embrace all that we could have together, what we could become as a couple and that she would stop to think that she knew better what was best for me. I was waiting for her … But it was getting really late, they were closing Breadstix and she was not there … So I had to go home, but without her it wouldn't be home anyway … just house and my lonely bedroom, empty bed …

Lyrics used in this chapter

 _Barbra Streisand "Memory"_


	2. Chapter 2 - Do I want to come back to th

**CHAPTER 2 – Do I want to come back to the start or what?**

 ** _Late spring 2014, Saturday_**

 _"_ _So what exactly did she say to me?"_ – that one question had been attacking me from hours. When she had told me that, I hadn't been able to believe my own ears and then I couldn't believe that my memory wasn't playing with me. It was unbelievable cause not so much earlier than year ago she had been so sure that I should have moved to New York to persuade my career and she had wanted to stay with Sam, in Lima. Then it had felt like we had been over, that time definitely and forever, even during her "goodbyes" before leaving for MIT, she hadn't said anything what could have made me wonder if there would be some way back, some hope for us. It had been the reason why I had tried to start something new, to live again, even if it had been so fucking hard without her. " _Maybe she was setting me free? Maybe she didn't want to break up in the first place? … Probably yes, cause it was me who broke up but she let me do that, she agreed and then …_ " I pushed away that inner dialogue with myself, cause it didn't have any sense to once again analyze past decisions. " _Who, why, when_?" It had just happened. We had both agreed that it would be the best thing to do. But why the hell then she had come back with her declarations of love, and once again had made totally mess out of me.

In my head there was only one sentence spinning around, I couldn't get rid of it through the whole afternoon. It was appearing once and once again, each time more forcefully: _"It's your choice. If you want me, I'm here"_ and her voice so sweet, lovely, nothing could ever compare to that, to her but ...

I still remembered all these things which had happened on our way, it was five years now, most of them I had spent with her or on thinking about her, since the day one – even if I hadn't been so willing to admit it. Still sitting in that chair where she had left me, still feeling her lips on mine, I couldn't understand why I hadn't kissed her back, what the hell was wrong with me, I should … but really should I? could I? … after all what we had gone through …

I just rejected the need to know answers for these questions and let myself went back to the beginning ... Maybe it was easier, no I didn't think so … but I just had to …

 ** _Late summer 2008_**

After rehearsal for Cheerios, I was all excited because I knew that being a cheerleader was what I wanted and could do best. Being a cheerleader, queen of school, most popular girl. I had always wanted to be popular, to have boys in queues waiting for date with my, other girls to be jealous and so on. And Cheerios were the way to gain it, and of course at the same time could be great fun. I didn't pay much attention to other girls' rehearsals cause I knew that my own show went so well. Then all happy with myself I went to temporary locker I got for rehearsal to change myself, and that strange thing happened. I looked up and my eyes met with blue eyes which belonged to some blond hair girl. I didn't know her, I hadn't seen her performance, still it was so intense, something more than staring, when I looked at her, and I just smiled, out of nowhere, because feeling of something like connection between two of us hit me, and I had to smile at that stranger. Nothing similar had ever happened to me before, everybody knew that I was bitchy and smiling without the reason was the last thing I used to do. Fortunately she smiled back, if she hadn't done it I would have felt even more stupid. She drank some water, smiled once again, and left. Till the end of that day I couldn't stop thinking why I had that strange feeling and unstoppable need to smile at her. Then I didn't know. I had no idea what that was a symptom of.

Next day we met after announcement of Cheerios' list for 2008/2009 season. I was in. I hadn't had any doubts, but anyway checking ranking list gave me some thrill. When I found myself on the top of it (actually I was third after unknown for me Queen Fabray and Brittany Pierce) and was about to call my mum to announce it to her, that blondie girl came to me. She was smiling at me.

\- Hi, my name is Brittany, I'm in Cheerios from now on and you? – When she mentioned her name it hit me that she could be that Brittany Pierce from above me, and I decided to act immediately. I couldn't let her triumph over me.

\- Yes, of course, how could you doubt it ... – To cover that previous "smiling think" I did my best to sound like a dork.

\- That's great. I'm new here and don't know anybody and you look so nice ... – Sound of her voice showed that she was some naïve little girl. She wouldn't be able to compete with me. I could destroy her and then be at position number two, but ... on the other hand she sounded so nice and sincere, and I felt like smile at her again. But of course I didn't.

\- Everybody is new. It's our first year … – I was about to end that sentence with "dullard" but it would be an exaggeration, even for Santana Lopez. She was nice and nice people always made me act more bitchy, but at the same time she was somehow different. I didn't know why. Not yet.

\- Hmm... anyway, I'm Britt and we can get to know each other or whatever if you want.

She turned around and left, smiling. I didn't have a chance to introduce myself, or to say anything more, I was left there just standing still with my smile, but not on face, just inside. Then it was something totally new and mysterious for me. Not specified feeling was stopping me from being rude and pushed me to smile at that Brittany. And she was good at cheerleading, maybe better than me, she was also pretty, so why the hell I had any nice thoughts about her, while she could and should be mine potential rival. Maybe my subconscious worked faster than mind, and was putting into practice principle that you should keep your friends close, but enemies closer. But anyway word enemy didn't fit there.

 ** _Back in present time_**

My memories of these first few months with Britt were very clear. After our first conversation, we had immediately and easily become best friends, at school, at trainings, and outside. I hadn't been thinking or considering the reasons, and also any thought about enemies hadn't shown anymore on my mind. I hadn't had any other friends at that moment, only people who had been around me, but hadn't connected with me in any way. Britt had been nice, sweet, funny, loyal, just perfect best friend. It had felt so good to have somebody to count on and to share your life with. She had been so easy to get along. In the very beginning I had found her as ready to control, loyal friend, who could have helped me in feeling more assimilated with school environment, who could helped me with my loneliness caused probably mostly because of my inability to being nice. With Britt I had felt free to talk about everything, shared laughs, been myself, cause she hadn't been judging me, trying to change me or criticizing. Now from present perspective, I knew that it had been other way, she hadn't been telling me to change anything, but she had been quietly pushing me to be better person. And from the other side, she had taught how to really be honest, cause before I had thought that being rude and telling people what I had been thinking about them had meant honesty, she had shown me that I had been so wrong. But life hadn't been still, it had been changing rapidly. Our friendship had changed also, more than once, but the first landmark had been spectacular and so unexpected. And I was sure that years ago I had been an idiot " _How could you love me then, Britt?_ ".

 ** _5 years earlier, spring 2009_**

Few months later, after winning Regionals, it was all so fine, my way to the top of school society was at good track, boys had started to recognize me as one of the hottest girls at school, I had Britt to listen to me, laugh with me, and be always on my side. I was happy, I didn't need any changes, but who asked me about what I needed? After our winners' celebration at Breadstix, Britt asked me to come for a sleepover, and I didn't see anything wrong in that. I had been at her home very often, always had felt really good and comfortable there, so there was no reason to refuse that offer.

\- San are you hungry or can I go to bed? – Her sleepy voice was so cute, so I smiled. I had learned that she hadn't been confused or surprised by my smile and what had been the most important, she had not taken advantage of it or taken it as a weakness, so I had been smiling at her more and more often with every week of our friendship. It had become natural for me. But it had happened only with her, not with anybody else. With other people, I had only used smile to get something, not to show anything.

\- No, I've eaten already too much, I won't be able to put my uniform on Monday, and all eyes at school will be on us ... – Britt looked at me with little disappointment in her eyes. – But maybe you are hungry and try to make me feel responsible for eating after midnight, Britt?

\- No. But you look like hungry kitty. Like Lord Tubbington, when he …

\- You better stop. You don't have right to compare me to that awful fat creature!

\- He is not awful and he is not creature.

\- Maybe, but I'm not fat. Is it clear?

\- I know. You are sexy.

\- Really? Do you think so?

\- Everybody at school knows that.

\- And …

\- What?

\- Nothing. – I stopped cause question about her own opinion in that matter seemed to be irrationally uncomfortable.

\- Then I'm going to bed San...

\- So should I stay here on the couch … hungrrrrrrry? – I asked without thinking about it, and without considering sleeping arrangement options, just to make her smile at the word hungry, which I said imitating cat's meow.

\- Noo ... you can choose, sleep with me or at my parents' bedroom?

\- Hell no, no me gusta ... I won't sleep in some old people's bed, where they uhhh ... nooo way. – I didn't even want to imagine Mr and Mrs Pierce in their regular bedroom activities and sleeping in their bed could give me nothing that nightmares.

\- So ok, my bed is wide enough for both of us.

When she said that I was confused but hopefully didn't show that. I got strange feeling which was a mix of excitement and fear. Without knowing the reason, not yet, at that moment. But I didn't want to think about that so we walked upstairs, holding our pinkies as always.

After I had taken a shower, I got inside bed very fast, already under the covers I said " _good night_ " and closed my eyes. But I couldn't fall asleep, I felt my heart bumping, I was panicked, it came out of nowhere, like that stupid smile when I first had met Britt. I didn't understand that. I was afraid, almost horrified that at night I could turn around and hug her and that feeling made me decide that I should stay awake for whole night. But what could be wrong in hugging your best friend? I couldn't answer my own question, which was running through my head chaotically. After few minutes she came in, I heard her, but pretended that I had already fallen asleep, I felt her moves while she was getting under sheets next to me. Few minutes later, probably 4 minutes and 25 seconds, I knew cause I was counting not to fall asleep even if everybody else used to do otherwise, due to her calm and steady breath I was sure that she easily fell asleep. But I couldn't, I was awake because of my strange, unreasonable fear. I had never been so good at math, so I got lost in my counting and didn't know how much time had passed but I couldn't stand lying on one side with my numbed hand anymore. I turned around very slowly and opened my eyes for a short moment, just to meet her face and breath. It gave me so much shaking inside, I hadn't felt anything like that before, I hadn't known the reason of shaking. Something inside, like at day one had pushed me to smile at her, then pushed me to kiss her, but before I could do anything, I felt her moving, so I immediately closed my eyes. After a second I felt something warm, soft and wet on my lips. That was her lips, kissing me, first gently, then harder, when I let her in. I couldn't resist kissing her back. It was desire, I thought, cause I hadn't felt anything like that before, it that was something new and strong, something unstoppable.

 ** _Back in present time_**

It had been our first of many nights filled with love making, then I had called it " _sex, which is not dating_ ", just sex. But during that night, first time in my life I had felt happiness, just happiness and freedom, nothing more and less. Then for a very long time I couldn't have come back to that feeling, but it had been my own choice. I didn't understand why did I have to think about that now? It had been so long ago, after that night so many good and bad things had happened between two of us. We had made our choices, paying attention to what had been best for us and our loved one. I asked myself that question for hundredth time – " _Is there any possibility to going back to the start? Should we? Do I want it?" …_ But we could not live this life one more time, differently. There was no chance for fresh start. If we could turned back time, I would definitely make other choices, would act differently. From the very beginning, from the day one …

 ** _5 years earlier, spring 2009 (the morning after)_**

After all these unexpected things that had happened with Britt, I wasn't able to count anymore to keep me awake, so just went asleep in her arms. I felt safe there and I didn't push myself to analyze that situation, that way it was better.

But when I woke up few hours later, I was panicked, I couldn't open my eyes because of fear of seeing her next to me, smiling, happy, or don't know maybe mad at me? Still lying in her arms, feeling warmth of her body, I had to come up with some idea which could save us, save me, my reputation, my dreams, my …. Then I still had to figure that out what really had happened the previous night … first she had kissed me, that was for sure, but next? I had taken off her panties or had she done it by herself? What exactly I had been doing with my fingers and my tongue … oh my God … all these things I had never ever thought about before. It just had happened, without thinking, without planning, analyzing … " _Oooo! What are you doing San? Stop! Focus! React till it will be too late_ " … My head was spinning, I was hopeless. I had no time to think about reasons, about meaning of the whole situation, I was just skipping ideas how to deal with that without losing my friend, devastating my parents, ending my school career … I was going out of time, so I just quietly went out of bed, cause I couldn't stand lying there naked next to her any longer, I put on my uniform and tried to work out my hair. I saw her naked body in the mirror, in daylight she was just stunning while she was lying on bed so calm, only her breasts were going up and down with every breath, and with mouth opened just a little bit … I felt desire to kiss her _"Oh my God … No … I can't… What the fuck …"_ I shook my head quickly, trying to go back to reality. She woke up and looked at my reflection in the mirror, so there was no time left, I had to manage this situation, at that moment.

\- I have never known that you were such a genius Britt! – Just as I said it I realized that was definitely ambiguous after all pleasure she had given me previous night. _„Bad chose of words Santana – fuck, focus and stay calm",_ some reprimand went through my mind.

\- Duuh …

 _"_ _I'm stupid. Fuck. Of course that now she is thinking that I was talking about her sex skills, anyway her body is so flexible, she is such a kisser and her hands, oww so ... and what she was doing with her mouths … – come on Santana focus"_ I had to restore myself to the order.

\- It's a shame that I have never thought about it before, it's the best way to practice – _"That's better, I'm back on truck"._ Along to conversation with her I was talking to myself inside my mind.

\- Hmm … I don't really know what do you mean San?

\- Now we are ready to get the hottest hunks from football team, we are no longer virgins, and we are ready to seduce them, we can choose and nobody will … – And then I had to stop, Brittany face started to show so much confusion, and sadness. I didn't know why exactly, but anyway I had to protect us – both of us. And it was the best way. Only one possible option in that situation, if we wanted to be friends, and I definitely wanted that.

 ** _Back in present time_**

I was sure that I had screwed up things between us more than once, I should acted differently so many times, but the last time, I really had done what I had been sure that would be better for both of us – just let go, no making more sorrow. I couldn't change my decisions, I couldn't change our past … but was that what she wanted me to do when she said – " _I'm here waiting_ …"? Did she want me to go back to the place where we had left our love and to pick it up from there? It might result in making once more time the same mistakes, hurting each other, even if we only would want to make each other happy. I was so confused … Brittany had always been the one everybody had found "confused" and some kind of "lost" but I knew that it had been only externals … She had been the one who had seen things the way they had been much earlier … she had guided me …

But I was sure that we couldn't go back again, just couldn't … too many things had happened. But still I heard her voice in my mind _"I really wanna be with you, Santana. I've seen the world and I'm sure now, more than ever, that I belong with you. And I'm sure your girlfriend's great, but you can't recreate what you and I have. It's your choice. If you want me, I'm here."_.. Phone interrupted my reverie. I looked anxiously at its screen. I didn't know if I was more afraid to hear from Britt or from somebody else … or maybe I was excited to talk to her. But it was that certain someone else – Dani. I didn't answer her call, but it brought me back to reality, I walked out of that empty room and empty halls of McKinley High, wanting to left behind what had happened there, left that in the past … to be able to look for the future …


	3. Chapter 3 - All or nothing

**CHAPTER 3 – All or nothing**

 ** _Late spring 2014, the day after – Sunday, evening_**

At night I came back to my home, to my bedroom, went to bed, where I had slept next to her so many times. It was painful to be there alone … when I had told her _"I love you"_ earlier that day I had been quite sure that she would be happy and that night would be full of love, laughs, happiness and … maybe a little dose of sex … But unfortunately I went to bed alone.

Next evening, after about eighteen hours of sleep, or rather something like coma, not a natural sleep, I woke up in my empty bed. But there, even being alone, was still better than mornings at MIT's campus. I hated it, without friends, without family, without her, I had been alone and unhappy, pushed to doing things that maybe I had been good at but definitely which I hadn't found interesting and satisfactory. And that was the reason why, just after opening my eyes, I clicked on "send" and my resignation from MIT was completed. I wasn't sure what I wanted to do with my life, what job could I get, which passions or hobbies should I persuade, or where should I go, I only knew that I didn't want to go back to Massachusetts. And I was more than sure that I wanted to be with Santana and if I had a chance, everything would be perfect, without need to search for some career path or good job. Being with her would bring everything to the right place, I had a feeling that it would work out so easily. After all it wouldn't matter what I would be doing during days as long as I would be coming back to home, shared with her, on every afternoon.

But I knew that from the outside it might look different. I couldn't push myself to go out of bed and go downstairs to talk with my mum. What could I say to her? _"Hi mum, I have just ruined my chance for bright future, left one university which I could get into…"_ No, I couldn't do that, not when I still didn't know how to end that sentence: _"… because I want to come back to Lima… / because I want to move to New York… / because I want to become a …"_ – that was the hardest part to finish … _"/ because I want to be with her …"_ – only thing that I was sure about, but still for my mum it might not be enough.

I had always wanted Santana, she had been and could be enough for me, and her happiness, it had been the most important thing to care about. Always. Despite my decision to detachment of memories, my mind again went back to old days …

 ** _4 years ago, early spring_**

I had headache, probably because of too much thinking. I rarely heard what Mr. Schuester was talking about during Spanish class, I just wanted it to come to the end. In my mind I was preparing for serious talk with Santana. Since we had had sex for almost a year, definitely more often than once a week, even during her brief romance with Puck, I thought that I had right to talk to her about that. But I was nervous, I had been trying to start that kind of conversation so many times before and always had failed, cause seeing her hurt and sad had been too much for me. It was not easy, but that time I was determined. I couldn't have that conversation with her at home, cause it could only end up with cuddling, and scissoring and I really, I meant really need to talk to her, as soon as possible. Finally the bell rang, the Spanish lesson was over. I got out from class as fast as I could and went to my locker, she was there already, waiting for me to go together for lunch.

\- Hey San, how are your classes? – Starting with something neutral was safe … and easier.

\- Ok, Britt-Britt, but all I can think about during history was how can we manage all this Sectional thing right now, cause I really want to win.

\- Yes, yes I know.

\- Do you know what's Sue is up to with this list?

\- She just wanted to see it, I think. – I was sure that it was naïve, but actually I wasn't interested in that subject at all.

\- I don't think so, knowing her, but anyway … we have to go for lunch unless we want to let our stomachs sing for the rest of the day … – She winked and then smiled widely. She was so pretty when she was smiling. But I didn't want to think about that, I was determined to start that uncomfortable conversation, despite I knew that probably I wouldn't see her smile for very long time after that talk.

\- San, I have to talk to you …

\- We are talking now, aren't we?

\- Yes, but it's something more serious, I need you to focus on that, for five minutes, ok?

\- Everything for you Britt, something's wrong? – She seemed to be concerned.

\- No … Maybe yes … but I still don't know, that's why we have to talk.

\- I'm listening Britt. – I noticed that she was getting a little nervous, maybe predicting what I was about to say.

\- You know, we are close, in every possible way, we talk about everything, except one thing and I have to know what does it mean? – I couldn't remember the whole sentence I had repeated so many times in my head during preparation for that talk at Spanish class …

\- What means what? Hmmm … – Her face was starting to get that look, which had been always reserved for people, who had come in her way.

\- You know, our intimate moments, you and …. – She gave me strange look, I hadn't seen her like that before, and it stopped me.

\- Britt, sex is no dating, if it bothers you, you are free to have any boyfriend you like to have, as I do.

\- But … I don't …

\- There is no place for "but", that's all. Sex is no dating, you have to remember that. – Then she took my pinkie and pull me trough the hall for lunch. The conversation was over.

I definitely was more confused than before, I understood what she had just told me. Sex was not dating, that was clear, but still why? Our sex was so good, she used to say that with Puck it had been unpleasant, that she even hadn't liked him, so why? I couldn't understand that, but during that conversation I saw in her eyes that strange look _"it's_ _all you can get – take it or not, it's your choice"_. But I had no choice, I wanted to be close to her, so I had to agree with her rules.

After lunch I had some kind of déjà vu, we were on connected line with other members of Glee, talking about Puck, Quinn and the baby, I didn't pay much attention to what they were exactly talking about but then four words, which Santana said brought me back to reality: " _Sex is not dating_ ". I realized that I had heard it before and some kind of automatically without thinking I added something too stupid, even for me.

\- If it were, Santana and I would be dating.

" _O fuck, why did I say that?!_ " I looked at her, and I knew that she wanted to kill me at that moment.

 ** _Back in present time_**

I laughed at myself, now it seemed to be witty. But then it definitely had not been funny at all. Santana had been furious, she had acted offended, but fortunately had not been able to stay away from me for very long.

" _Is it a bad sign?_ " From the moment of our yesterday conversation, all I had been able to think about from our past had been moments, in which Santana somehow had disappointed me, and now she wasn't coming there or calling me so maybe I would be disappointed again, after I had shown her all my heart, all my feelings, after confession of my love for her … only one thing I had been getting from her since then had been silence …

Few days ago I had decided, no it was a bad word to describe that situation, I had realized, cause it hadn't been a decision at all, it had been rather an effect of listening to my heart, that I had wanted her more than anything else in the world and nothing else mattered. So then I couldn't just sit there waiting. I picked her number from contacts list, but all I heard was voice of machine: _"Person you are calling is temporarily unavailable"_. Maybe her phone was out of energy. After a short time of thinking, I decided to call her family house, and looked for her there.

\- It's Lopez family estate, hallo? – Their official welcoming had always scared me a little. And that word "estate" gave me a feeling that Santana's house was more like some office than home.

\- Good morning. It's Brittany S. Pierce here, I'm looking for Santana. Is she at home? – I tried to match my voice to style required for estates.

\- She has already left back to New York, early this morning.

\- Really? – That departure without goodbye was unpleasant surprise.

\- Yes.

\- Thank you for information. Good night.

\- Goodbye Brittany.

" _Hmm, that is not a good sign either. Not good at all."_ She had hurried back to New York, even without saying goodbye. She must have chosen Dani and had been afraid to tell me about that, face to face. But it was not like her anyway, I could expect something like that from Santana, but from the phase before coming out. Now it was strange.

Still in my bed, I was searching for some ideas to make everything alright. In the past I had been the one who had pushed Santana to do some things, but always in very subtle way, and for her sake, no on my own purpose. I had pushed her to come out, without it she wouldn't have ever been able to be free and really happy, I had pushed her to break up with me cause she had not been able to stand long distance relationship and finally I had pushed her away from me, just to allow her to make her dream come true and become a star in New York. Of course our parting had been very bad for me, I had been devastated but I had thought that for her it would have been better. But few days ago when we had met after long break I had seen that she hadn't been happy either, somehow she had been so muffled, and for the first time in our history I had decided to use no so subtle suggestion but had said straight to her face what I had felt and needed – for both of us, to made us happy again. And she had just ran away, even if I had been mistaken she just could have said that she had wanted her new life and love, and she definitely shouldn't have left me so unsure.

That was true. I had said that I would wait there for her if she wanted me to, but waiting was so depressing and maybe I didn't have anything to wait for, not anymore. I made a quick decision, I would go to New York to talk to her, I would ask her about her feelings and desires and then if she sent me away I would have to deal with it. So it was decided. I was going to New York.

After few minutes I was ready with only few things packed in my handbag and bus schedule printed from website. I had to catch bus to New York, which would departure from our station at 8.02 PM. It was the first connection I could take and I just didn't want to wait there any minute longer. I left in such a hurry so I forgot to write any note for my mum. I said in my mind " _I will have to call her later. Or text her. Anyway goodbye Lima. Welcome my new undefined life._ "

Unfortunately I reached the station too late and left ticket office with information that bus had just departed. It was crazy idea, but I took a walk to road 75 to catch a ride. I was so determined, it was like all or nothing, and I couldn't think about waiting there six hours for another bus. I was a little bit afraid cause I had not done anything like that before but I could say that was beginner's luck. After about fifteen minutes red Ford Focus stopped ten meters from me. I was hoping that driver wouldn't turn out to be some big scary man. But like I had said, it was beginner's luck, the driver happened to be young petite girl.

\- I have to stop when I saw you, blondie. – The stranger said.

\- Yee?

\- I wouldn't be able to appease my conscious if I read in some newspapers that in Ohio young blonde girl was killed by some crazy driver. Don't you know it is not safe way to travel, huh?

\- I know. – I said embarrassed for my own stupidity.

\- I can't park here for long, if I don't want to hear some honking, so anyway where do you want to go?

\- New York. – I said with hope in my voice.

\- Hmm, nice trip and far away, you are really lucky girl, I'm going to Altoona, so I can drop you in Pittsburgh, ok?

\- Great! – I got into her car so excited. The most important thing was that I was going to be getting closer to my goal, cause I was tired of waiting.

We spent three hours talking and singing along to her CD's, Madonna, Kim Wilde, some rock and roll classics. It was nice and trip passed so quickly. I was relaxed cause I was sure that I was doing what I should do. In meantime, between our karaoke-like performances, I took out my phone and tried once more to call Santana, but still without success. Even if I came from New York without her or she didn't want me to stay there with her, it would be better than waiting in Lima. In my mind I made the decision: _"I should stop this waiting habit, waiting is soooooo passive. I have to focus on acting, on trying to make myself happy, I'm reaching for it. Ok – that's good. And I will stick to it."_ Santana was definitely worth taking risk of being rejected.

\- ... Big Apple in the middle of the night in such a hurry?

\- Hm? – I didn't exactly hear and know what she was talking about. – What apples?

\- I mean NY.

\- Oh. New York, Big Apple, I get it now. Sometimes my thinking process is too slow.

\- So fame or love or maybe love of fame?

\- Love, definitely. I'm not into fame.

\- So you can't wait any minute longer for a bus and risk your security to be with you man. He will be flattered but probably also mad because of your lack of prudence.

\- She.

\- What? - It's not him, it's she.

She looked at me, briefly, with abashment in her look, but when I smiled, she smiled back at me.

\- I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you. It's just … I don't know, maybe it's because you don't look like a lesbian.

\- According to my own statistics I'm bi. But I don't know if should I count more on numbers or intensity?

\- Fuck, sorry again. I'm an asshole. But what do you mean exactly?

\- You're not. It's just confusing situation, even for me. I mean that I had few boyfriends and only one girlfriend, but if I add up all the feelings I had for them, it won't be even 10% of that huge amount of feelings I had and still have for her. So maybe after all I'm lesbian but I'm also not sure how lesbian should look like.

\- I don't know either. I'm sorry. It was stupid comment.

\- Maybe a little stereotypical.

\- Unfortunately. I feel stupid, cause I'm not like all that homophobic or something, I just haven't met any gay person face to face yet.

\- So here I am.

\- And you are so wonderfully normal girl next door.

\- I hope that my ex will consider me as wonderful too.

\- I wish you that. – She smiled at me once again. She was nice, even her strange comment didn't upset me, and she was bringing me closer to Santana.

At radio clock it was 11.15 PM and we were close to Pittsburgh. I was getting a little nervous. What if there was no connections to New York planned for that night. San's phone was still turned off, so I chose Rachel's number. It was funny coincidence. While waiting I was able to listen to " _Mem'ries_ " by Streisand, the song which had accompanied me during last night in Breadstix.

\- Hallo?

\- Hi Rachel.

\- Britt, what a surprise! We have just seen each other on Saturday and you have already missed me enough to call in the middle of the night? – She said that with excitement and without any humorous tone. As always, she thought that it was all about Rachel Berry, she was funny like her Streisand's _"Funny Girl"_.

\- Yeee … Are you guys already back in NY?

\- Yes, we came back with San this afternoon, Kurt will be back tomorrow morning. Santana was in such a hurry to see Dani, and you know for me Lima is still too much about Finn, so we took first train in the morning.

\- Ok, I see. I can't reach San on her phone, is she somewhere around?

\- No, you silly, have you forgotten how is she, it's Santana! One moment we've arrived, she went to Dani immediately, she always has her phone turned off during her sexcapades … She won't be home until tomorrow morning so maybe you should try then. Or maybe I can help you with something?

\- No, you have already helped me. Bye … – I even didn't try to hide sadness in my voice.

\- You are welcome. So bye, and see you on next Glee reactivation.

That wasn't exactly what I wanted to hear, but still it was nothing confirmed, it was only Rachel and her talking, she had always talked so much and too much, she was a drama queen.

We reached Pittsburgh station. I hugged my savior, said _"Thank you"_ probably hundred times and then she departed in her red car. Last thing I heard from her was: _"Don't you dare to try to get some stranger to drive you to New York, just wait for a bus, promise? Your girl will wait for you."_ And I shook my head to promise her that. I wasn't so stupid, I knew that it could end with some disaster, I even didn't want to think about it. I searched for next link to New York, it would depart in a half hour, so in six hours I would be there. I went to buy my ticket, but fuck … rush had never been a good option. " _Is it some freaky Friday or what?_ " I didn't have my wallet, I had no idea where could I have lost it. " _Great, nice job Britt_." Without documents, money, away from home and my destination. Fortunately I found some money in my pocket, and it was enough. " _Thank God, Santana, I'm on my way, if you want me or not. I'm coming to win your heart"_. That though crossed my mind, bringing smile on my face.

\- Nice evening?

\- What? – I looked on some guy, he was talking to me, but I didn't get sense of his question.

\- Nothing babe, you just have really nice smile.

\- Thanks. But I have to go.

I turned around and sat down next to some old lady. It was more safe. Time passed quickly on preparing myself for talk with Santana. When I got into bus I remembered that I had not let my mum know that I had been leaving so I sent a text to her. I didn't want to give her any details, until I would be sure what would happen. I wrote not so short and maybe a little mysterious message, but I couldn't invent anything else. _"Mum I'm searching for my happiness, whatever it takes, I have to change my life, don't be mad of these changes, I need some time outside Lima, I don't know how long and where I'll be but when I'll be ready I will be back, not alone I hope. You don't have to be worried about me, I'm ready for changes. Love you_ _J_ _"_ It was late, so I easily fell asleep and of course started dreaming about Santana …

 _I was dressed in that outfit from our Promassaurus, fancy dress and that little hat … I was walking through McKinley halls looking for my girl, my date … it was dark and totally empty, but I was hearing her voice. She was singing "Songbird" and all I could hear over and over again was the best line of it "I love you, I love you, I love you like never before" and all in smile I went alongside that melody … looking into empty classes, but finally there she was … so beautiful, in long white dress and veil, like an angel singing for her bride, for me … she was looking somehow behind me, I studied her eyes, fulfilled with love, happiness, desire … but I found that strange that she couldn't reach my gaze, that she was looking somewhere behind me, so I looked back and there was another girl, I didn't know her, she was beautiful, young, dressed up in white gown, wedding gown, she was smiling … Until I had time to look back at Santana, she went behind me and kissed that … girl … kissed her bride …_

I woke up from that nightmare in panic, too panicked to collect any thoughts. I heard some strange noise, but I didn't know if it was part of my dream or reality. I was too scared that my dream could get into life, that I would rather dream on than let it happen … I was confused, it was strange but later there was only some kind of falling and darkness … only darkness, I felt nothing, and fell into that darkness … probably I was still dreaming … falling in darkness because of vision about Santana with other woman … " _I have to run away from this place, from that dream, from everything …"_


	4. Chapter 4 - Set me free

**CHAPTER 4 – Set me free**

 ** _Late spring 2014, one day after (Sunday, morning)_**

After sleepless night, I was sure that no matter what I would decide to do with my life I had to reach New York as soon as possible. There, in Lima I wasn't able to make any good decisions, especially not one including Brittany. There everything was about her, about our first times, our happiness, our love, our mistakes. Most of these mistakes were mine, actually. So to sort that out, I had to go to New York, but not alone, I wouldn't stand so many hours at train without companion. I decided to call Rachel. Her stupid talks could be entertaining and rescue me at that situation.

\- Hello Rach, are you awake?

\- Unfortunately yes, I'm awake now. What's so important to call me at 7 AM on Sunday, hmm? Do you plan to interrupt my beauty recovery? – Her voice was showing a lot of drama, I could only imagine her mimic and gestures, that for sure accompanied her tone.

\- I have to go back to NY, and need company, I think that maybe you are tired of Lima too and want to go home with your not so close friend? – I hated that I have to be nice to her, but ummm … anyway I didn't want to go alone and there was no better option. Kurt would make that trip impossible to handle, he would see through me and get all my doubts on top.

\- Why are you in such hurry?

\- Love live, you know, or maybe you don't but … Rachel I just have to meet Dani as soon as possible.

\- Hormones?

\- If you said so ... So do you want me to book our train tickets for 10 AM?

\- Yes, ok, I don't feel here so good either.

\- So see you at station. Bye.

It was step number one. Trip with Rachel would defend me from too much thinking, I really shouldn't think too much. I knew that I just had to let my heart decide what should I do. Now when I knew what Britt felt and knew how I felt when I was with her, I only had to give a chance and check what I could feel with Dani. I had to be sure, nothing more, everything would be clear after one look in her eyes. I could easily predict the result even at that moment, without checking, but I was determined to do everything properly that time, not to repeat any of past mistakes. For Britt's sake and for my own. We shouldn't act emotionally, cause it only could hurt both of us. That thought made me go back to the moment when we both had been devastated, because of spontaneous behavior …

 ** _One year and few months ago_**

I was so lonely. Being away from Brittany, after our last year at McKinley, when we finally had been able to openly and completely express our love to each other, it just felt hundred times harder. I was totally missing her. Every day after cheerleaders' practice I was sitting alone in my room, so deadly wanting to call Britt-Britt, text her or see on Skype. But on these days when I had gone along with that need, it always had ended with sadness, for both of us. I was overwhelmed with the feeling of getting something not good enough, something inadequate. I just wanted to see her next to me, face to face, hear her laugh, touch her, kiss her lips, love her … I was sure, according to look on her face when we had been saying goodbyes to stupid camera, that for her our long distance relationship had been devastating, as well. So I was pretending that college activities left me without any free time during days and at evenings I was too tired to call. It was bullshit, I knew that, she must have known it as well. It was easier, but still not good at att. But at that moment when I saw heartbroken Brittany and heard her yelling at me, it just scared me. It wasn't like her, during all our ups and downs, even then when I had been refusing to talk about feelings at all, she had never been angry at me, not in that way. And then she was showing me that it wasn't fait, for her to be left behind and for me to think that being in college some miles closer than in New York, might have changed anything. I felt that I was pushed to stopped it. And I did it, for both of us. But I did it without deeper consideration, out of some kind of guilt.

Few months later I was ready to go back again, I was missing her too much, but she refused me. She didn't want both of us to suffer again, she stayed in safe, easy relation with Sam and pushed me to go after my dreams to New York. I was heartbroken, but I understood that, it was the only one option for us. At that moment she couldn't leave Lima and even if I could go back, it would mean resigning from my future, from dreams. I wasn't ready for that, and she definitely knew that. She didn't want to be a reason for my unhappiness and lack of satisfaction. And I went after my dreams, without thinking about, what was really important for me …

 ** _Back in present day_**

Still nothing had changed. I lived in New York, she was at MIT. Maybe Massachusetts was closer to New York, than Lima, but still all we could get was a long distance relationship. _"Britt do you really want to experience it again? Cause I'm not sure if I can handle this even if I love you as much as I do"._ I wrote it in text message but after few minutes of staring at my phone I pushed cancel instead of send.

I packed all my stuff, more than I had brought from New York few days ago, as if I wanted to ensure myself, that I wouldn't comeback there for long time, I said goodbye to my parents and left for a train. When I met Rachel she was in bad mood, so we just took our places and focused on our own deep thoughts. She wasn't helping me the way I had planned. I had expected that she would be talkative as always. But Rachel was completely silent on that morning.

I went back to my dilemma. " _What should I do?_ " I definitely knew what I had always felt about Britt, it was easy to notice and too strong to ignore, I had tried hard, not only once. But on the other hand I couldn't take another break up, I didn't want to go through that again. She was bi, there had always been another option for her, there had been Artie, Sam, ehh ... It was comfortable to blame them or her for that, but it was completely untrue. She had not betrayed me with them, she had gone to them when I had not been ready, had not been ready for all love she could have given me ... it was as if she had decided to wait for me not alone, but with them ... She had always had to wait for me, cause I had had so many issues to worked out …

 ** _3 years ago, spring 2011_**

After struggling with myself for whole night, I was ready. No, I wanted to be ready, but I wasn't, anyway I decided to talk to Britt. I had to, she was my best friend, she was my lover, we had been inseparable for so long, if I didn't want to screw it, I had to talk with her sincerely. After our performance in front of Glee, earlier that week, I had realized that being friends and having sex and then going back to other people, had been so unfair. I didn't like spending time with Sam or Puck in a way I had felt about time with Britt, I didn't like having sex with them, it wasn't even pleasant. I had known it since the beginning, since the first night I had spent with her. Then I had not been able to compare making love with her to any other sex, cause it had been my first time, but I had found it amazing and I had not wanted anything else. But I had learned how to hide all these feelings deep inside, not to let them disturb me. But when she had started dating Artie, I had been sure she had done it because she had been mad at me, and it had made me so jealous, she had been sharing with him something more than I had ever shared with anybody else. Not only her body, but her time, her laugh, maybe even her heart. It had been hurting me, seeing her happy with somebody else. She had wanted to share it with me, I had known it, even if she hadn't been able to express it so clearly, I had known it, but I had always refused, too scared about my well being. After that song when she had asked me if I really had felt that way, I had seen her growing happiness, but again I had ran away.

I was such a coward, but I couldn't run away for my whole life. I decided to tell her about my feelings. It was so hard, so much harder because she rejected me then. It hurt so bad but later I realized that she had to, I wasn't able to hide that still I wasn't ready to be myself, to be with her, to come out. She knew that she would have to wait for me a little longer.

 ** _Back in present day_**

So even if she had pushed me away, it hadn't been for her purpose, now I knew that. I was sure it had been and still was because her love for me had been so unselfish, she had always wanted me to be happy and to live my life the way I had wanted to, no matter of her own feelings.

So what the hell had happened yesterday? When I had finally been stable and somehow happy she had turned my world ups and downs, and why? Maybe it was my turn to give up something for her, to love her unconditionally and unselfishly. I wasn't sure if I was able to do that. Being with Dani it was so simple, just nice time, good sex, without bad emotions. Without any strong emotions maybe ... I liked her, I was attracted to her, but love? No there was no love. With Britt it had always been so intense, from the very beginning, she had been the one close to me while I had been struggling with myself, not only with my sexual orientation but also with looking for my life path, my goals. It was paradox, but without her I would probably end up in Lima for another year of thinking what I wanted to do with my life, maybe got stuck there for my whole life, with her probably. But she had not wanted to be the reason for me to holding on. So maybe now after she had given me time to find myself, I should go back and find her again. But I didn't want her to give up MIT for me, and I didn't want to leave New York until I would finally find out what my destiny was, what I was good at. It was like fucking closed circle, I had loved her for so many years, I still loved her, not as a friend, I had been in love with her since forever, but I didn't want any of us to get hurt again. And I didn't want her to wait for me, putting pause of her own life … I was scared that I wasn't able to make good decision, maybe there was no good decision in that situation …

Train was moving so fast, everything was just passing by, without chance to take closer look, only on stations there was some time of rest for eyes. I could stare at one point, and sunk in my thoughts. I had been hoping that Rachel would be entertaining partner for conversation, as always, but she was just sleeping on seat next to me. Leaving me with my dilemma ... I didn't want to consider every option for hundredth time, I felt need to act, so I chose Dani's number from list. _"Lovely D"_ and our picture from Central Park started to pulse on my screen ...

\- Hello baby! – She picked up with noticeable excitement in her voice, as if she was waiting for that call. And probably she was. – I was disappointed yesterday, when you didn't call me back.

\- Hi, I just want to tell you that I'm coming back to NY, I'm on train now.

\- Wow, it's fast, that's great. Does that mean that you miss me that much?

\- Yee, I think so ... – I tried to put on some vibes of sexy voices ... – Dani I have to see you tonight, can we meet at 8 PM?

\- I can pick you up from the station, if you want ... hmm?

\- No, no, I will come to your place, right after, I only have to leave my bags at apartment. So see you then. – I felt immediate need to end that call, cause if not, I would definitely make some kind of false start and tell her now. But what should and would I tell her? I didn't know exactly. All the more I had to end that conversation.

\- Bye San, I will be waiting for you, and I'm sure that we will have a long night ahead!

\- Yee, definitely, bye.

 _"_ _Oh my God! It will be more difficult, than I expected. How could I be able to decide what I really want when she would bring sex on."_

It was 6 PM, about twenty minutes to New York's Central Station. I looked on my phone once again, going through contact list I stopped on Britt's ID. I still had her photo, which had been taken on our valentines date few years ago ... I had been so happy then, she too. Everything had been then, during last year of school, just simple and great, even coming out. I had been so scared before, but it had come out quite well, not including my relation with Abuela, but she needed more time, I hoped. " _Why did it have to end that way? Why Britt wasn't able to graduate with us?_ " I didn't have right to think that way, it hadn't been her fault, I should have paid more attention, not only to our love, but to her problems. She had done that for me when she had written that letter to Louisville University … She had been better girlfriend for me, than I ever could be to her … I felt that Rachel woke up, bringing me back to reality.

\- Hmm ... Have I just slept for almost 7 hours?

\- Unfortunately ...

\- Hmm? I suspected that you would be happy not to be forced to talk about my Broadway success.

\- Of course Rachel, I'm grateful for your generosity. – I put so much viciousness in that sentence, but Rachel was too focused on herself to notice that I was making fun of her imaginary success.

\- Come on, take your bags, why are you in such bad mood? Don't you like coming back there? Something's happen?

\- No, but anyway it's not enough time to talk about it, maybe later. – I didn't need her conversation now, when we were almost at Central Station.

In taxi there was still only silence. When we got to apartment I just left my bags on the floor and wanted to go out as soon as possible. I had to be able to start, to get fresh start, immediately, I still wasn't sure about final version of my plan to gain it, but I had to act, I couldn't wait. It was too annoying.

\- I'm going out, to Dani, don't wait for me and don't call I'm turning off my phone. I don't want anybody to disturb us.

\- Bye lovebird! – I heard from direction of Rachel's room and left.

I was so nervous. Still without any decision made (I was telling it to myself to put meaning into that meeting), I knocked on her door. " _Oh fuck. Watch out Santana Lopez. She won't make it easier for you._ " There she was, in black lingerie with bottle of wine in her hand. Perfect but not for that occasion.

\- Have you forgotten how I look like? San? You are staring … – Her voice was more sexy than the law should allow.

\- Can I get in, don't want to stand here on the hall, ok?

\- Somebody is not in the mood today? I'll take care of this. – She winked and smiled.

I didn't get any time to answer, because she closed my lips with passionate kiss and pulled me closer. Now all I wanted, all my body wanted was getting her naked and forgetting about last evening, just like all that had never happened ... but I couldn't. Dani kisses were so hot, she was hot, but feeling of her tongue in my mouth pushed me to recreate that kiss which Britt had given me yesterday. Even if I hadn't kissed her back, still it had been much more passionate ... I pulled Dani away from me.

\- You look amazing and I'm really have to fight myself not to take you here on the floor, but please put some clothes on, I need to talk to you. – I had to focus. I was determined not to screw it up. I was committed to make right decision.

\- It's getting serious, what's wrong with my baby? – She asked, still using her sexy voice and some sweet facial expression, but after noticing my focused and serious face, she let go of these tricks.

I didn't have to come there and kiss her to know that in any way my kiss with her couldn't compare with all these feelings which had exploded in me when yesterday Britt had kissed me and had said about her love. I hadn't had to run there so fast to get to know that. All the way to New York I had been struggling with my feelings, with some doubts and second thoughts only to make realization that decision had been made yesterday. That I really had nothing to think of, it had been done, decided. I loved Brittany more than anybody else in the world, and she would always be my one true love. With Dani it had been just nice and easy ... nothing more unfortunately ... Finally she noticed my confusion, put on some blouse and sat on the couch.

\- So all dressed up I'm listening, Santana. – She smiled, maybe a little fake.

\- Dani I came back from Lima so quickly because something has happened there ... – I paused looking at her, pleading to her with my eyes just to end that conversation with simple " _ok I understand_ ", but it would be too easy. And unfortunately she didn't decide to make it easier for me. So I had to go on. – Dani ... I just ... She just ...

\- Who and what? Focus Santana, if you really want to talk tonight, even if I have totally different plans for us, you have to relax and get your thoughts together.

\- Dani … I just, you know, when we started dating, or even before, I told you that Brittany was the one for me but she left and it was over. Right?

\- Yes, I know, I remember. But what's up with that? It wasn't true, or what? – I noticed that her face was getting more serious and concerned, maybe a little frightened too. - It was true, then yes … but yesterday … yesterday she told me that she wanted me back ... that she loved me … – Dani was looking at me as if she was studying my facial expression to find something to focus on.

\- I'm not really interested in that what your ex wants, I care about that what you want. – Finally she stopped staring at me and said it with anger in her voice.

\- I don't know ... – I said that so quietly, because it wasn't true. I knew but I didn't know how to announce it.

\- Don't you? Don't you know if you are still in love with her? – She was getting more and more impatient and furious. I realized that maybe for her our relationship meant something more that it did for me.

\- It's not about that. – I tried to postpone the final statement. I didn't know how it could help me, but I was still not able to tell out loud that I loved Brittany so much.

\- No? Really? So about what?

\- I have always known that and I, I mean that you must remember that I told you that I would always love her. – It was easier, _"I will always love you"_ , it was some king of goodbye standard, some empty slogan that a lot of people used definitely too often.

\- Great ... It's becoming more and more interesting.

\- I told you that before. – I repeated defensively.

\- Yeee, but still, these were just words, everybody could say I will always love my ex with different meaning ... and you said that you two were finished once and for all, that you would love memory of her and not her in person.

\- Dani, I thought that she was over me, so I wanted to move on, to have new life … – She interrupted me, my words were obviously hurting her.

\- And now you have new life, with me ... right?

\- What are you doing? Let go of this wine ... – I tried to protest while she was opening the bottle and started to drink wine directly from it. – Great ... so now we can't talk anymore. – I assumed.

\- There is nothing more to talk about. I think that you have already told everything Santana.

\- Nooo ... do you think it's easy?

\- Of course, she wants you, you want her too, right?

\- No, I mean yes, but I'm afraid. Give me this fucking bottle, I need something to clear my mind.

There was silence, we were drinking, without any eye contact, both drown in their thoughts. Mine were chaotic: " _So is it over? Is it decided? Can I go out and run back to Lima to Britt? Should I say something more? Did I make this decision or Dani did it – no it was that kiss, the one Britt putted on my lips yesterday. Ehh..."_ Wine was starting to affect me I guessed, I felt that tears started to fall down my face ... " _Fucking great ..."_

\- Are you crying? Shouldn't be me the one with teardrops? – Dani looked at me reproachfully.

\- It's just me ... and alcohol heh. It's my tradition to cry because of wine.

\- Don't be kidding me San, you have drunk like two glasses of wine or less.

\- But I'm fucking confused.

\- Wake up, stop this crying masquerade and give me one straight answer. Then nobody will be confused anymore!

\- One straight way, I'm straight out bitch. – I automatically quoted nobody else than myself. It was embarrassing.

\- Oh my God. Santana are you already drunk with two glasses? Anyway could you just tell me one thing, not that I haven't known the answer already, but do you love her?

In my opinion it was like hundred years of silence before I could answer that simple question.

\- I think, that yes ...

\- Do you think?

\- Ok, ok I know. I'm sure of that, are you happy now?

\- No, not really. And the second part of my question is, do you love me?

And now it was like thousand years of silence before I could answer that even more simple question.

\- I'm sorry Dani ...

\- So fuck off, get out of my apartment and go to her!

\- I'm so sorry ...

I started to cry even harder, I was not able to stand up, so Dani just left me there in her living room and went to bedroom. I was crying but my heart was beating fast not because of tears but because of realization that tomorrow my new, maybe a little old but improved life with Brittany would start again. I didn't want to think about circumstances, which still had been the same and could mean another troubles with long distance relationship, cause I was focused on enjoying that wonderful thought about our reconciliation. In one short moment I wanted to call her immediately, but I was not able to find my phone, so I just let myself fall asleep.


	5. Chapter 5 - Ready for the new old begi

**CHAPTER 5 – Ready for the new / old beginning**

I was running through empty streets of Lima, the air was quite cold as for early May, but I was warming up by my excitement. I was on my way from train station to Britt's house, I didn't know why I didn't pick up a taxi, but somehow I felt need to run to her as soon as possible and I took running literally. I was excited, I expected to find her waiting for me, as she had said before. I knew that she was the only one person in the world that I wanted and needed, not that I hadn't known that before but sometimes I had tried to fight with it. _"I love Brittany S. Pierce"_ I wanted to scream it out loud, despite intermittent breath … I was so happy, despite the fact that in one moment I felt like in some horror movie, cause my way was getting longer and longer, as if I wouldn't be able to reach her place. But finally I got to her house, knocked rapidly and loudly on the door … after few second, which for me seemed to be endless, her mum opened the door with a puzzled expression on her face.

\- Santana, what are you doing here?

\- Good mor … rning, Miss Pierce … I'm sorry I can hard … ly catch my breath …

\- I see that. – She smiled at me.

\- I ran the whole way from the train station. – I tried to explain myself. But still wasn't able to speak clearly.

\- Why? Santana, something's wrong? Or is it some new way to lose weight?

\- Do I need that?

\- What?

\- Should I lose a few kilo?

\- Generally not, hmm … but maybe your butt is a little too …

\- What? – I looked at her with disgust, cause I wasn't able to hide my shock at the thought that someone could describe my ass with other word than perfect.

\- No, nothing. It's just perfect.

\- I think so, too. Anyway, I didn't come here to talk about my perfectness, I just have to see Britt as soon as possible.

\- You have luck then, she just came back home.

\- That's great, can I come in?

\- Of course, she is upstairs, I'm now leaving for work, but you know the way … – She smiled brighter and knowingly as if she was aware of my plans and was inviting me to make love with her daughter.

 _"_ _My future mother-in-law, with little help, could be nice"_ that thought crossed my mind and brought even wider smile on my face. We would get along perfectly, I will entwine her around my finger.

\- Thank you Miss Pierce, have a nice day at work. – My smile must have said it all, I was totally in love with her daughter.

\- Bye San, good luck. – She winked.

I walked upstairs, I felt so much excitement, happiness, anxious, impatience at the same time … I knocked on the door of her bedroom, but there was only silence, so I slowly opened the door, she wasn't there, but I heard the sound of the water. She was in the shower, it was perfect, I smiled to myself. Without any hesitation I took off my clothes and left myself only in underwear. I was exactly aware what I was up to and my lingerie was synchronized with my plans. Sexy black cornet and G-string, I could be proud of myself, cause I was perfectly prepared for the occasion. I was prepared very well in every meaning, not only technically, cause I had been waiting and dreaming about it for so long. I slowly and quietly sneaked into bathroom, I saw her perfect body through glass shower door. She was leaving goddess, nothing but perfectness. More perfect than me. From the place where I was standing I got profile view of her boobs and butt, which took my breath away, significantly more than that run from the station. I was amazed. Staring at her, I lost track of time … she woke me up from my dream … - Oh my God, Santana what are you doing here? – It was hard to describe how cute Britt was, with that surprised look on her face, how could I not love her … - Me, nothing really … unfortunately, not yet, but soon I will catch up. – I smiled seductively. - What? – She made that funny face, which I had always loved. - I'm stupid cause I should get into touch instead of admiring your fucking hot body from apart … - San, you are embarrassing me. – She blushed a little bit, what made her look even cutter. - No, I don't, I'm telling you nothing more than only truth, and you are definitely not embarrassed. If you were, you wouldn't stand here naked with towel in your hand. - It's just a little teasing to make my offer more impossible to reject … – She said that with light smile. " _Wow, that is all her, my Britt-Britt, innocent and seductive at the same moment …_ " - Your offer would be impossible to reject even if you were dressed down from head to toe … - Really? So why didn't you kiss me back on Saturday? – She got to the point, it was inexplicable on my part. - It's enough talking Britt! – I took off my underwear, came closer to the girl from my dreams and whispered to her ear, these three magical words, or maybe even more, who would count. – I love you Brittany S. Pierce, thank you for waiting for me … - I love you too Santana, forever and ever you will be the only one for me … I pulled her close to me, and began to gently stroking her lips, when she opened her mouth, our tongues met, like always, in perfect harmony, like there had never been any break, time off. I was getting so heated up, feeling desire, wanting to have her in the most intimate way. I parted from her lips, knelt down and kissed her intimate place feeling her rapid breathing – _"Santana …"_ – she groaned … I was so fucking ready for her, so wet … I was dying to let her in, when she screamed _"Santana … "_ , it was so intense that I heard some kind of alarm clock in my ears … No, that was not her orgasm, not mine either … ehh it was an alarm clock itself. I opened my eyes, I was able to feel the sweat on my back, moisture between my legs, but that was only a dream. Really wonderful but only a wet dream. Clock on the wall showed 7.00 AM. _"Where am I?"_ my head was spinning " _Ooo fuck … too much wine for me obviously …"_ When I saw Dani walking out of her bedroom, I immediately stood up in panic.

\- Hi .. – I said quietly, to cover my excitement.

\- Why are you still here?

\- I guess …

\- You don't look very good San, are you shaking? You look like you have a temperature. Shouldn't be me the one with headache and heartache?

\- It was hard for me too, you know. – I tried to hide the real reason for my misty eyes and drops of heat on my forehead.

\- I know that it is always better not to be the one left behind, so don't you dare feel sorry for yourself Santana Lopez … and finally get out of my apartment … unless you change your mind upsss I mean change your feelings. – She winked and laughed.

\- You are great Dani, after all you are nice to me. – "W _hat an asshole I'm – why I'm saying such a pathetic things – get a grip Santana!"_ I told to myself.

\- Santana, let go of it. After all we could be friends again, having you as my lover was nice, but you know I can still wait for love of my live, and you have found it already so you should go after her.

\- Thank you. – I said it totally sincere.

\- You are welcome, but now you really should go, I have to get ready for work, we can come back to being friends in next week maybe, ok?

\- Ok, great. – I just smiled and hugged her. I was happy, now without guilt, or at least with not so much of it, I would be able to reach out to Brittany and put my dream into motion.

On way to our apartment, in taxi, I finally found my phone, it was deep at the bottom of my purse and I realized that it was still turned off. When I reloaded it, I saw that I had seven missed calls, five from Brittany, one from my mum and one from Kurt. Strange, something must have happened, I got a little bit nervous. Britt's was the first number picked up by me, but without success. I thought that she must have turned off the phone for night, and it was still early morning. Then I called my mum.

\- Hi mum, aren't you sleeping?

\- No baby, I've just woke up. But why are you calling so early, it's not your typical time?

\- I see that you were trying to catch me earlier.

\- Earlier … probably yesterday, that's right. I just wanted to tell you that aunt Maria is getting married and our whole family is invited, you too of course.

\- Big news, and the happy fiancé in this month is … – I said sarcastically.

\- Don't be rude Santana, of course it's Benjamin.

\- Yes, of course … so I will attend that event with Brittany as my date, I hope that Abuela won't mind it.

\- Really San? Are you two back together?

\- Yes, yes, yes. We are and I'm happier than even. – I probably sounded like a child during its first visit to Disneyland.

\- That's great baby, she called yesterday, she was looking for you, so I guess that you two found each other then.

\- Not technically yet, but yes mum. I have to do something now, so for details about wedding I will catch up with you later, ok?

\- Ok San, have a nice day.

\- You too, mum. I love you. – I was so fucking happy, and that was the reason why I told that, I hadn't usually been into that kind of declarations of love.

\- I love you too. – I heard in her voice that she was happily surprised.

In about ten minutes I would be in my apartment. So I tried once again but Britt's number was still unreachable. It was a shame. I was so impatient to say her _"I love you, I love you, I love you like never before"._ _"Santana Lopez sometimes you are a genius"_ that was even better idea, I would sing that song to her, she used to love it so much. Or not, maybe the scenario from my dream was better, maybe I should surprised her in Lima. Yes, it would be much better and I would recreate all these details from my perfect fantasy, of course I would add few orgasms for her and for me too, and after all I would sing for her. _"She is perfect, we are perfect together – wow, why has it taken us so long to realize that. Why did we have to care about some stupid things like career or …"_ I was talking with myself like crazy. But that didn't matter at all, from now on we would be together, happily ever after.

Finally I got to our apartment, when I walked in Kurt was already awake or he had just come from Lima, I didn't know, it didn't matter anyway. He was busy in the kitchen, making pancakes.

\- Hello, roommie. – He said to me happily.

\- Hi Kurt, why are you so happy and why aren't you in bed at 8 AM?

\- I'm just into the mood for Monday and pancakes.

\- Oooo, ok… no matter. – I was not interested in details, which stood behind his mood.

\- And you are also all in smiles, I guess that Dani greeted you in a proper way. – He winked.

\- I'm sure of that. – Rachel said with some kind of singing voice and yawing between as she emerged her bedroom.

\- No, it is totally not what you both are thinking of … – I denied their speculations, but after all what they thought also didn't matter. Times when I had cared about people's opinion had passed by. Thanked to Britt of course.

\- So what made you so beaming on this Monday morning, that time of the day and week you are always bitchy. – Rachel said with a sneer.

I immediately decided to deliver big news. I was too happy to hide it. In some magical way all my concerns and doubts had disappeared in that one short moment when I had realized that with anybody else I could never share anything even close to my love with Britt.

\- I got back with Brittany.

\- That's great San, I have always known that you two were meant to be together, it's destiny like me and Blain. For us it was but now … – He got upset immediately.

\- So Britt reached you last night on the phone? – Rachel asked.

\- No, actually I have few missed phone calls from her, but now she is unreachable. Probably still asleep.

\- So how could you two be back together without talking? – Rachel was stunned.

\- On Saturday she asked me to come back to her, and as soon as I can call her I will tell her that I'm all hers or maybe I'll make some surprising arrival in Lima.

\- Great plan Santana, but … – Rachel stopped little dazed.

\- But Rachel messed up like always … – Kurt added.

\- What? What do you mean? – I had no idea what they were talking about. I didn't care much about that anyway, cause nothing could stop me from being with Brittany, not now.

\- When I came at night from the station, after spectacular ride with taxi driver, who must have thought that I was a tourist so I was able to see Statue, Broadway … anyway I just walked in here on Rachel talking on her phone.

\- Go to the point Kurt! – I urged him.

\- Britt called her yesterday night, looking for you and our diva said something about … how was it going, Rachel? Sexcapades with Dani?

\- What the hell? Rachel you don't …? – I was getting furious.

Kurt had to come between us cause I was ready to slap her, she was such an asshole.

\- Do you always have to put your big nose in other's people lives? Hmm Rachel? Just great, thank you.

\- I had no idea what you were up too Santana.

\- That's not the reason to talk such a bullshit anyway, if Britt got mad at me, I would kill you Rachel Berry. – And I wasn't joking.

I went out, to my bedroom, closed doors with big flick and tried once again to call Brittany. " _Please baby pick up, I will explain you everything … Please Britt, Britt … my love"_ … but still on the other end of the line there was silence. I decided to call her mom. She had always liked me so she could help now.

\- Hello Miss Pierce, it's Santana, don't I bother you? I know it's early.

\- No Santana, it's good that you are calling, is Brittany with you?

\- No … – It was not good, Rachel had gotten her nervous and she probably had spent her night outside home. " _Fuck, Rachel_ "

\- It's strange, did you two have some kind of fight or something?

\- Yes, I can say so … but it's a misunderstanding rather than a fight.

\- Ok, now it's clear.

\- Didn't she come back home last night? She has her phone turned off and I can't reach her.

\- Yes I know, but she texted … no matter… anyway as soon as she comes back I will tell her to call you.

\- Texted?

\- Really no matter.

\- Ok, so thank you and … just bye.

\- Goodbye Santana.

After only one or two hours it was looking much worse that on that beautiful, wet dreaming Monday morning. But still I could get what I wanted most, my girl. I was thinking about bringing her there, clearing all misunderstandings and making her happy. _"We will start our live together, like it should be"_. I tried once more to call her, but with the same effect.

My head was still spinning because of yesterday's wine. Fortunately I had to be at work later, at afternoon, so I would be able to get myself together. And I was sure that I would have to talk to her before work, cause other way I wouldn't be able to focus on anything and every customer would get just bill, no order.

I heard quietly knocking on my door.

\- Get lost Rach! – I screamed.

\- That's me. – Kurt looked inside shyly.

\- What?

\- I'm just worried.

\- There is nothing to be worried about. – Before I could react he was in and sat on my bed.

\- But sometimes misunderstandings could have tragic outcomes.

\- Really?

\- Yes. Every melodrama has some big misunderstanding in the script. And not always it could be cleared up so easy.

\- But it's not a movie, Kurt.

\- Yes, but maybe you should do something.

\- Like what?

\- I don't know. Something romantic.

\- First I have to be able to call her.

\- That's true. Still not available?

\- Unfortunately.

\- I miss Blaine.

\- What?

\- I miss him.

\- Now we are talking about your love life?

\- Maybe.

\- I wish that he kissed me and asked me to come back.

\- Would you come back to Lima?

\- Yes. I would.

\- Really? And what about NYADA?

\- Some things are more important.

\- I don't believe you.

\- Why? After all you decided to put your love life first, come back to Britt, change your life for her.

\- Yes, but …

\- There is some but?

\- I haven't decided yet what reconciliation means in technical way.

\- New York, Lima, Massachusetts?

\- We have to work this out.

\- I see, so there is still long way to happy ending.

\- But now there is no other option than happy ending, right?

\- If you say so.

He smiled at me with nostalgia in his gaze. I predicted that he was thinking about Blaine and their even longer way to happy ever after. Somehow, probably because of my own happiness, I felt sorry for him, and spontaneously hugged him. After all it wasn't so bad to have friends around, people who cared about you. Maybe except Rachel who constantly had been the reason for some troubles and fights.


	6. Chapter 6 - Where are you, baby?

CHAPTER 6 – Where are you, baby?

 ** _New York, May 2014, few hours later_**

It was Monday, 1 PM and Brittany was still unreachable on her phone. I had tried like a hundred times already. I had called Mike, Tina, Blaine, Sugar, Quinn … everybody, but nobody had seen her from Saturday. I had been getting more and more nervous with every call. I decided to try once again to call her mum.

\- Hello Miss Pierce, it's Santana again. Have you heard from Britt already?

\- No, I'm at work now, but I'm sure that she is not at home, she has left her keys.

\- She left on Sunday, right?

\- Yes, but we had this talk already Santana. She must have been angry, it must have been a really bad fight cause my daughter was for sure heartbroken.

\- It's just a misunderstanding.

\- I don't doubt it, but at the same time it had to be a good reason for Britt to runaway so rapidly and to send me that strange text message …

\- What message?

\- And now her phone is turned off for so many hours, it's not like her. Don't you think?

\- Yes, that's why I'm worried. So what did she write to you exactly and when? It's important.

\- I don't really get it.

\- Please tell me, maybe I could understand.

\- It was probably about you. Something about searching for happiness and need to be away and now she has her phone turned off, I'm really afraid. What the hell is she thinking? – Britt's mum was really frightened. I felt that vibe in her voice.

\- Did she write it yesterday?

\- Yes at night, I can't talk to you any longer, I have to go back to work, so Santana goodbye. If you got any message from her, call me immediately.

I didn't have a chance to say bye. She just ended the call. She was definitely blaming me for Britt's missing. But it was Rachel's fault not mine. Everything was so unfair. I didn't want to blame myself to make it harder.

 _"_ _What the hell is wrong with you Britt? How could you take so seriously what Rachel said, how could it become a reason to disappear?"_

After another unsuccessful attempt to call her, I decided to text her. I sent text message and mail. She couldn't sink into the ground.

 _"_ _Britt I'm sorry for all the mess Rachel created. I went to NY in such a hurry to break up with Dani and to be able to reconcile with you. I love you. I miss you. Call me please. Yours forever, Santana."_

My eight hours in Spotlight Dinner had been horrible, all bad things at once, rude clients, fucking mess with broken glass, strange looks from Dani who had to stay for overtime because some other girl was sick, bad music, my head still spinning, my thoughts, my fears, my feeling of fucking mess and attempts to call Britt every five minutes, every single one without success. What the fucking evening. I was exhausted. Instead of cleaning up dishes, I sat down at the table.

\- Lopez. Santana Lopez, to my office now! – I heard my boss. He was yelling at me, standing just two meters from me.

I raised my hands to cover ears, but he stopped me with his angry face expression.

\- What? – I didn't have strength to say anything more.

\- What's wrong with you today?

\- Nothing.

\- You have never been perfect waitress, but yours, call it personal charm, could cover lack of some skills, but today …

\- I want day off.

\- No, you don't ask me to have day off. I order you to have one day off and I expect you to be back on Wednesday without that sad face, dissociation and breaking glass thing. All clear?

\- Yes.

\- I didn't hear you.

\- Fuck, yes. – I yelled.

\- And without fuck. It will be your last chance.

Barely yesterday everything had looked so bright, even working there would be so much better, when after workday I could be back in Britt's arms, maybe I could take it for whole life. _"No, no, no it is too much, but maybe with her I will be able to figure out what I really want to do with my life, but now all I have to do is finding her. It's one and only issue that matters now, so I'll take day off and will go to MIT – she must be there."_ I decided to go there and when I was determined, nothing could stop me.

Later I even made some backup plan. If I found her in bed with somebody else, no matter if it would be man or woman, I would forgive her and gracefully ask to be with me. She would agree and then … "happy ending". Of course I hoped that it wouldn't be necessary to forgive her for anything. But anyway it was established that no matter what happened, we would be together, for lifetime. With that though I went to bed that night. And guess what? My wet dream came back … mmmm … perfect, and without censorship that time.

I woke up with hope and even with little smile on my face. At 10 AM I got on bus to Massachusetts. I left all bad thoughts beside. I was going to meet my girl, it was the one and only thing that mattered. Trip was too long, even if much shorter than that one from Lima. Again I tried to called Britt, but still nothing had changed. It was getting more and more annoying and disturbing.

When I walked out of but – my first impression – I didn't like the city without any good reason, it looked like a younger brother of New York, and that was ok, but I simply didn't feel good there, I couldn't imagine Britt being there alone, without friends for whole year. Anyway I decided that if only she wanted me to, I would spent there with her not only weekends, but also some time during weeks, maybe I would look for some work there. I would do everything just to be close to her. I was ready for that. Or maybe I was just saying that to myself cause I was more and more worried because of her missing.

I looked around. I hadn't see any yellow cab around train station. One more minus, taxis were black there. But anyway I got into one.

\- Go to MIT Campus, please.

\- Now it will take us about thirty minutes, lady, but I will do my best to make this journey pleasant.

\- Just make it quick and safe … – I definitely didn't want to spend that thirty minutes talking with some arrogant driver, I plunged in my thoughts.

In my memories I came back to that day when I had encouraged Britt to access MIT. She had been afraid of new things, and devastated for leaving friends and Lima, but it had been good for her, I really had thought that way then, but seeing her last week so broken, so unable to smile, without emotions, focused on her mathematic goals, it had been heartbreaking. It was a chance to have good career, to make something important. But it wasn't her true desire, definitely not only one. I had seen that during these few conversations we had had lately and when we had met on dance floor recreating _"Valerie"_ – that had been dazzle, all Britt that we all had known and loved. She couldn't be focused only on math. I had to show her that she could have passion for dancing, her love life with me and her career – all in the same time, that would be possible. I so badly wanted to make her happy in every way. I thought that it would be working both ways, making her happy would make me happy too, no matter what I would be doing with my life and where I would be living.

We finally got to MIT, it took more than he had claimed. Anyway, I was there. I looked around. Campus and buildings were so big and dark, so totally not matching her and her personality. All that gave me impression that maybe it would be better to take her to New York, to help her start something new there instead of staying in Massachusetts. And it also could match my own plans to find something to be good at.

I passed few buildings with laboratories and, on the end of the path I reached student house. I got to reception, the older lady wasn't willing to talk with me, but I was stubborn, as always.

\- I really have to see her, it's a live or death case, Miss. – Making puppy eyes, I had always been able to be convincing.

\- We have our privacy politics, I can't tell you in which room this lady stays.

\- But, our mum is sick, she needs her, and she must have lost her phone, we can't call her.

\- No, no, no … I know my duties, young lady.

\- So I will go from one door to another, and look for her, that's better privacy policy?

\- Good luck, we have almost 250 rooms.

\- Great, I love challenges. So I'm starting my round.

And I started as I claimed to do. After knocking on about ten doors, three stayed closed and I got seven short conversations like _"I'm sorry I must have mistaken number"_. It could become very annoying challenge and probably the last door will be the correct one, but reversing the order wouldn't change anything. Murphy's Law. But letting go was the last thing I wanted to do.

When I was about to knock on door with number 011, I heard voice, it belonged to that reception lady, she called _"117"_.

\- OOO, thank you, you are so sweet, our mum will pray for you _._ – I yelled in direction of reception.

Three knocks on 117 door and it was opened. _"Young girl, pretty, too pretty as for Britt's roommate, I would even say hot. No matter – focus Santana."_

\- Hello, I'm looking for Brittany S. Pierce.

\- You are late.

\- Is she out for classes?

\- No, definitely much too late honey. – I didn't like her because of her appearance. "W _ho the hell call some stranger "honey" after 30 seconds of talking?"_ So I was starting to dislike her even more, she was for sure calling Britt's " _honey_ " or worse all the time. It was sick.

\- What do you mean?

\- It's strange but Brittany resigned from MIT via email. She used to be strange, but …

\- When?

\- On Sunday, I think.

\- Really?

\- Yes honey, but after all it may be better for her, she wasn't very happy here, like she was missing something. – She smiled at me with strange grin.

 _"_ _She was missing me – stupid "honey" lady …"_ – I said to myself with a lot of pride and satisfaction.

\- So you haven't talked with her since then, right?

\- No, I haven't but I suppose that you have, cause she was going to Lima with big plan to win back you heart …

\- What?

\- Santana right?

\- Yes …

\- She was talking about you all the time, of course after laboratories and when she was lucky enough to have me at room …

My heart was beating with happiness even if I still wasn't any closer to find Britt. _"She was missing me all the time, she loves me so much, just as much as I love her, I will find her and …. mmm … we will turn on our sweet lady kisses"._ I said goodbye to that "honey" girl and old lady at reception and came back to the station. Ten more attempts to call Brittany failed. I was trying so hard to push away all bad thoughts but it was getting harder with every hour. It was so not like Brittany, she had to know that all of us were nervous, she wouldn't let us worry about her. Even if she felt hurt. Brittany was too good and caring for that selfish behavior.

Back in New York I wanted to go directly to our apartment. On the way, once more I went around the calling list, all from Blain to Tina, Britt's mum once again, my mum … totally nothing – it was no longer funny at all.

\- Rachel, are you here?

\- Yes, Santana … do you … – I interrupted her.

\- No I didn't find Britt, she has resigned from MIT.

\- Really? When?

\- It doesn't matter. All of this crap is your fault, so think now how we can fix it!

\- It's not my fault, you should call her first, and then go to Dani, and you told me you were going to see your lovebird or something like that.

\- No, no, no Rachel, you were the one who said that! – I had to take very deep breath to stop my frustration and desire to slap Rachel. – So think, focus Rachel, cause I'm out of ideas where she may be, she is not in Lima, not at MIT, she is definitely not here, I don't know …

I sat on couch with tears in my eyes, it was too much. Rachel reached to hug me, and after a little battle I gave up and let her comfort me.

Few days had passed away, Britt's phone still had been turned off, she had not connected with nobody from her family or friends, she had not shown up in Lima or New York, she had just disappeared. I couldn't believe that it was really happening. I was trying to work but spending eight hours there was like being in a bad dream, I didn't pay attention to costumers or boss, who graciously had given me one last chance after another.

After work I was coming back to apartment refusing metro or bus, every day I chose longer way, I didn't know what I was thinking, but maybe deep inside I was hoping that I could met her in the crowd, that she might come to New York … But it didn't make any sense, any … Then every evening I came back to my place, reached bedroom immediately, refusing any contact with Kurt or Rachel and just drifted on my memories. I was recreating every single day that I had ever spent with Brittany, hour after hour, minute after minute, trying to figure that out – if she had ever talked about disappearing, even in jokes, if she had ever confessed that she had desire to go somewhere, if she …, if … – so many questions remained without answers. I was sure that I knew her, very well indeed. And I was sure that my Britt wouldn't be able to hurt me so much. She was too perfect, too good, too generous and so unselfish.

After about two weeks counting from Britt's disappearance, I talked with Mrs. Pierce, really sincere that time, and I confessed all what had happened, including Rachel's bullshit. She told me that she understood Britt's need to departure, need to have time alone to think and find her happiness, that now she fully understood her text message. But I didn't understand that. Brittany whom I knew wouldn't let so many people be worried about her, she would write anything to me, call me. She should know that I would respect her wish to be alone if she asked for that. I was so confused, hurt … but still pushing away thoughts that something bad could have happened, it was better to think that Brittany was cruel than imagining her being hurt or … worse.


	7. Chapter 7 - After catastrophe … picking

CHAPTER 7 – After catastrophe … picking up the pieces

Light spring sunset was shining on my face, it gave me feeling of warmth. It also should give me a sense of calm and peace, but it didn't work well that evening. Sitting there in silence was the best way to end the day, only one possible, only one I could imagine and handle. It had become my every day routine for last long years. Always when I had been there it had been easier to clear my mind and throw away that stupid mask. At work I had to be focused and strong for others, I had to try to hide my feelings, sometimes I had to push myself so hard to stop tears from falling, before anybody even could see my need to cry. But there I was free to cry, I could look with emptiness in my eyes somewhere beyond horizon, not afraid to hear a question " _Are you still in grief? What can I do to help you?"._ I could fall into the ground and just felt cold hard marble under my body ... I could perform all these things, and very often I had done that. But that day all I wanted to do was screaming. I wanted to scream that " _It's unfair, this life is fucking unfair, I'm too young to be living death. Can I get my life back? ever?"_ But I didn't, it was useless. Nobody would answer my question, and of course I knew that answer myself, it was _"No"_. Ant that " _no_ ", that hopeless situation, was the reason for my anger, anger that was growing inside of me so rapidly that evening. I couldn't stand that opposite feelings, it wasn't possible to successfully combined guilt, sadness, calmness and so fucking anger, hopelessness and sense of harm. I took last one longing look at photo on the grave, I noticed that probably soon it would be necessary to renew the monument and it could be chance to focus on some job to do, it could be really helpful to restrain anger. I decided to focus all my attention on that. I let myself pull out some more teardrops down my face and then left cemetery.

It was late, it was getting darker, but the air was still nice. " _Nice_ " I repeated that aloud, I was able to realize that something should be consider as a pleasant, but did not feel it as a pleasure for myself. " _I'm like zombie_. _I remember that I used to love but … I don't remember how it feels …_ " I was rescued from that internal dialogue by my neighbor, older lady, whose name I had never been able to remember.

\- Good evening child. – I couldn't stand and understand why she was calling me "child", but maybe explanation was simple, maybe she wasn't able to remember my name, as I couldn't remember hers.

\- Hello.

\- We have such a nice evening, it's almost possible to feel the summer breeze.

\- That's true. – I kept my answers short not to let her babble out. I wasn't in mood for friendly chats in neighborhood. Not today, frankly, I had never been into that.

\- It's good weather to have a walk, unfortunately I couldn't persuade Brendan to join me.

\- Who?

\- Brendan, my husband.

\- Oh yes, Brendan.

\- And it's a shame to walk alone. So can I join you?

\- If you want, yes please.

\- You, I mean young people generally don't know what it means to be really alone, how to prevent yourself from loneliness, unless it's too late.

\- Are you alone? You said that you had a husband. – I had no idea why I said that, I wasn't even interested in her answer. And that question was also as stupid as inappropriate.

\- Yes, but sometimes even in relationship you could be so alone, and when you are younger you don't see that, surrounded by other people, by kids and then, it's just too late.

I didn't say anything more. I couldn't find right words. So we were walking in silence, probably both focused on our own loneliness. Her house where first on our way, she said goodbye to me, grabbed my hand and went inside.

Her presence for few minutes took away my anger, but then it came back with a vengeance. " _Could anybody else know more about loneliness than me?_ " I asked myself, while entering house, my big empty house. Sometimes I tried to thought about it as our house or even home, but I was the only one human being there, always alone. I put the keys on the cupboard in the hall, next to vase. I looked on that empty glass vessel and took it in my hand. The vase, in which there hadn't been any flowers for years, it was useless to keep it, I swung to throw it in the mirror. But I missed and crashed it on the stairs. That evening was getting more and more different from the others, I didn't remember when I had been feeling the same, if ever. After visiting cemetery I had always felt more guilty than during the rest of the day and I had been overwhelmed by "calm sadness", today I was furious, without any known reason. I tried to analyze whether anything unusual had happened. At work it had been day as always, busy, quickly passing by, then I had eaten dinner there alone. I meant that as usual I had ordered pizza, cause cooking for one person was nothing more than waste of time. Then I had gone to visit cemetery, as every day for years. Definitely nothing special or strange had happened. Maybe it was because I had spent three and not two hours over the grave, could it be too long? Going out of routine might be the reason for my anger or maybe that sunset had been the reason for my headache, cause I had forgotten to take sunglasses, or it was because of pizza, it hadn't been hot when that boy had delivered it. I had no idea, but after all it didn't matter that much. I knew that I had become an expert in thinking and making big deal out of nothing, probably I was getting angry just not to be indifferent. Because, besides work, there was nothing important in my life, just emptiness, sadness … nothing and nobody to care about. When I couldn't feel pleasure, love or any other nice feeling, maybe it would be better to add anger to my narrow palette of dark feelings, so it would be more diverse. But on the other hand I was sure that anger and disappointment definitely didn't fit to my routine.

It was 10 PM, definitely too early to go to bed when next day I would have day off. In the morning I should sleep as long as possible, if I didn't want to go crazy. _"What should I do to get back my calm sadness? Where can I find it? I don't want to be angry, it's just not safe … cause I don't have any right to be disappointed, it's all my fault"._ I preferred being calm and sad, it was safer. And it was fully compatible with my stings of remorse. I skipped some ideas, and chose to go through pages of photo album. Indeed it had always worked well for me, I could look at photos for hours, and then fell asleep with tears in my eyes, forgetting about my needs and focusing only at sadness and my guilty feelings. But that evening was totally different, I couldn't explain that, but after maybe an hour, I had gone through not more than ten pages in album and I didn't want to do that any longer. That need for screaming was still shaking through my body.

I came to cabinet to take glass of wine, I hadn't been drinking for years. I couldn't remember taste of alcohol. That bottle of wine had been there unnoticed for so long. I had bought it for funeral, I guessed. " _But is it possible? It was so long ago … but after, there was no occasion for buying wine … no I can't remember …_ " Since accident, that had been my only success, that I had been able to stay away from different kinds of painkillers – drugs, alcohol, sex. But today I needed something to heal me. I just took one little glimpse of wine, it tasted good, but nothing changed. Still furious thoughts was running through my head _"living death... too young ... live back ..."._ I couldn't stand that, I didn't want to let me feel sorry for myself. I looked around to focus on something else. My eyes stopped on laptop, I opened it and within few second Internet was loaded. Without thinking, just automatically I wrote in research: . " _No I can't, I shouldn't, just no, no, no! It's wrong._ " I closed laptop without closing Internet window. _"It's not right for me to have any happiness or even pleasure ... – I don't deserve this ..."_. But I wasn't able to control that and my quilt was hidden by anger once again, I drunk another glimpse of wine and reopened laptop. Website was already uploaded. Sexy young girl was looking at me seductively from the screen, her perfect body was covered only with her own hands. She was not my type of perfect beauty, she was too young, she was too plastic … anyway I felt some shiver over my skin. I decided to open that site, so I clicked on " _I'm 18+ and want to come in_ ". I was aware that it was mistake, but that night was really different, I wasn't myself. That statement was even funny, cause I had not been myself for years, I didn't know if I had ever been myself, not even at least once … How could I had been myself, if I had not known who to be – perfect daughter, brilliant student, outsider, closeted lesbian, wife, lover, mother, professional – who? Just nobody from that list … I guessed …

I looked back at laptop. That site was so trashy. But I didn't care about that, I read that pink letters on black site, glancing from time to time at that plastic doll on the banner.

 **[READ OFFERS] / [WRITE YOUR OFFER]** – I chose second option, which caused coming up of some empty form. I started to fulfill it with some crap, cause there was no other word to describe all that.

 **NICK NAME:** [ _LONELY HEART_ ] – pathetic ... [ _LONELY HUNTER_ ] – It was better, my heart had nothing to do with that.

 **SEX:** [ _FEMALE_ ]

 **AGE:** [ _35_ ] – Maybe I should rejuvenate myself. Or better not, 35 was ok, it meant no longer young inexperienced girl and also not yet old unattractive middle-aged woman.

 **RACE:** [ _WHITE_ ] – What the fucking question? Who cared about race anymore?

 **SEXUAL ORIENTATION:** [ _LES_ ] – No. [ _BI_ ] – No, I didn't have to play that game anymore, I wrote [ _LES_ ]

 **DESCRIPTION:**

 **\- HOW DO YOU LOOK LIKE:** [ _DARK HAIR, BROWN EYES, LOOKS YOUNGER THAN 35, TOTALLY FEMININE, HOT, 5'8'', D BREAST SIZE ..._ ] – It was all true, I had right to write it that way, when my eyes were not red from crying, I was still hot bitch ...

 **\- CHARACTER:** [ _IT DOESN'T MATTER I'M ONLY LOOKING FOR SEX, BUT I COULD BE NICE FOR YOU_ ]

 **\- PASSIONS:** [IT DOESN'T MATTER EITHER, I'M NOT INTO SHARING WITH YOU ANY OTHER PASSION THAN SEX]

 **\- INTERESTS:** [ _A_ _LOT OF OR MAYBE JUST ONE ;-) – BUT IT'S NOT IMPORTANT_ ]

 **\- OTHER:** [-]

What the hell was I thinking? I was looking for one night stand, for sex with some stranger, of course I had done it before. But now, how could it help me? It could become a short time painkiller, it wouldn't take my pain away, because … one of the reasons of my pain, maybe the most important one was guilt … I felt responsible for that accident even if I had not been physically involved in it … But tonight I was not in the mood for recreating that, I was in mood for screaming and … maybe also for relieving lost time. I came back to the reality, to virtual reality, and looked again at laptop's screen. Still I had some fields to fill.

 **WHO DO YOU LOOK FOR:**

 **SEX:** [ _FEMALE_ ]

 **AGE:** [ _25-35_ ] – It was a shame I knew that but couldn't help myself. I didn't want to handle elder women, too many expectations, too many questions, too hard …

 **RACE:** [ _?_ _I DON'T CARE_ ]

 **SEXUAL ORIENTATION:** [ _LES_ ] – Definitely, it was healthier not to share woman with man, for medical reason of course … what the bullshits were running through my head that night. I couldn't believe that was happening.

 **DESCRIPTION:** [ _FEMININE, BEAUTIFUL – PREFER BLONDES, DEFINITELY SAY NO TO FAT ONES – NO OFFENSE_ ] – It sounded like I was a bitch … maybe I was .. sure that I was …

 **OTHER:** [ _PRIVATE CONTACTS ONLY, SEX WITHOUT COMMITMENT OR ANY ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP, NO PHOTOS EXCHANGE_ ]

So it was finished. I wrote there true and only true statements. **[OK] / [CANCEL]** – One last click was required.

But I wasn't ready to click "OK", and also didn't want to click "CANCEL". I stood up, turned on the radio, CD went on from the last moment I had paused it before …

 _Wherever you go  
Whatever you do  
I will be right here waiting for you _

Yes I was waiting there, at that big house, I was waiting. I couldn't start anything new in my life cause I was stock to the past, addicted to waiting for something that couldn't happen. Not now, not ever.

 _Whatever it takes  
Or how my heart breaks  
I will be right here waiting for you_

I took for granted, all the times  
That I thought would last somehow

That old lady, had said that young people hadn't been able to notice loneliness. But I thought that more true was that we, I meant people generally, always thought that we would be the last one to go away, cause it would be so much easier than being left alone. And being pushed into position of widow could be nothing more than surprise.

 _I hear the laughter, I taste the tears  
But I can't get near you now _

" _But I can't get near you now_ ", yes, then I remembered why I had turned off the radio last time when that song had started to play, I couldn't stand it now, too. Even if that song had totally different, heterosexual meaning, for me it was too ... personal, painful, devastating in so many opposite ways and subtexts ... nooo ... it was just too true and definitive: _"But I can't get near you now"_ – I turned it off again.

It was already 1.30 AM, good time for bed. " _No yet, not before day out of work_ " I came back to desk, to glass of wine and reopened laptop again. I wasn't drunk at all, I was just making my lips wet with wine, staring on that stupid page still without decision about what option to choose "Ok" or "Cancel" button. I didn't want it but my mind went off to the past days ... Months or years ago – I couldn't count it exactly at that moment ...

 _I woke up in big bed, feeling taste of sweet kisses on my mouth, smiling to myself … It could be happiness. I still wasn't sure anyway. Next to me was lying her naked body, flawless, beautiful, hot. She was goddess – her face was mix of innocence and sexiness, her body was perfect ... But I was interested not only in sex, I was reaching for her soul, I wanted to know her heart, her thoughts, I wanted to share with her my dreams and passions, not only physicality. For the first time in my life I had been involved ... I had fallen in love, with that fragile blonde girl. She was taking my breath away with her smile, with her eyes, with her gently words, with all that what she was ..._

\- _Good morning sweetie. – She opened her eyes and looked at me so tenderly._

\- _Good morning. – I leaned in to kiss her. Our mouths met, during that few moments, I was so sure that I wanted to stay with her forever, no matter what it took. – I love you._

\- _I love you too, Mrs. S._

\- _Do you think that it could …_

\- _What?_

\- _I don't know._

\- _Don't be afraid. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere._

\- _Promise?_

\- _Yes, cause I love you and nothing else matters more than your happiness._

\- _You know, that it's not so easy._

\- _Yes, but I will wait for you, cause there is no other woman for me. Only you._

I had never been happier than with her but she also had driven me to that miserable fall, to that catastrophe, to the alone place in which I was trapped forever ... And she was not there. " _You didn't keep your word! … But how could you do this?_ "

I ran away from these thoughts. It was forbidden. She definitely should be forgotten. My desires had driven me to that point when I had lost the most important person in my life, person that I should have taken care of, person I had loved more than anybody else in the world, my little girl. I couldn't stop tears from falling, not for any longer, they changed color of wine from red to rose. Staring at "Ok" / "Cancel" button was unnecessary, cause I was sure that nothing could take away my sorrow. My life was miserable, partially on my own purpose, partially because of fate – _"So do I believe in fate?"_ – I asked myself. It would be comfortable to blame fate on it. I didn't know, I didn't know anything but that one thing that I was so unhappy, that I had nothing to look for, that I had no future …

From my haze I was plucked out by pager, it was making noise, which was hard to handle, I couldn't find it to turn off. I screamed _"Fuck, fuck, fuck ... just leave me alone …"_ but it was still ringing ... I took my cell and made a call ...

\- I was starting to think that something happened, you always call back within seconds. – I heard from the other end of line, it was true, but that evening was different in every detail.

\- Yee, I'm tired, almost asleep already, it's nearly morning Lindsay. Don't you think that I have right to react in slow motion after midnight?

\- I know, but we need you, we need everybody now. So you will have to speed up.

\- What's happened?

\- Big crush on highway 76.

\- On 76? – ... she must have realized that I got some kind of déjà vu with mentioning name of the road where it had happened, cause she quickly interrupted my thoughts.

\- It's really bad, it's a bus crush, we need you immediately.

\- How many people?

\- Still don't know, maybe up to 50, but now we don't know how many death and what kind of injuries we will have to take care of, we just need everybody, we need you, you are our best surgeon.

\- Don't fuck with me ... I drunk wine about hour ago ... I can't … – I didn't want to have anything in common with any accident on road 76, it was silly and unprofessional, I was aware of that, but why should I help some strangers, while when it had happened I had not had a chance to do anything …

\- Much wine? I don't think so, I know you. Anyway you have to come, we need everybody, I have only one surgeon here in hospital and I can't connect to Bradley, do you want me to beg you or what?

\- Nooo … Ok, ok, it wasn't much, I'm coming, I'll be in 10 minutes.

\- Thanks. – She said quickly and ended conversation, probably to call other doctors.

I closed my laptop, window with "Ok" / "Cancel" button was still on display. But it didn't matter, it was like an evidence of my breakdown, it really didn't matter at all.

As fast as I could I put my hair in ponytail and ran to garage, my mind was clear now, there was nothing left from my anger, fear and … also from wine in my blood and head ...

After all being a surgeon, having possibility to rescue people, to give them hope was the only one good thing left in my live, I couldn't screw it.

Lyrics used in this chapter

 _Richard Marx "Right here waiting"_


	8. Chapter 8 - Sense of déjà vu … sometimes

CHAPTER 8 – Sense of déjà vu … sometimes brings something new

I got to the hospital in eight minutes, I was counting. I broke every rule of traffic regulations on my way, there was right light, 100 miles per hour, double continuous line, everything … but I had to … after my own personal catastrophe, work was only one thing that enabled me to feel something positive, it was my way of picking up pieces of my live into one important matter, only temporary of course … When Lindsay had mentioned road 76, it had been like déjà vu. I had recreated in my mind that call, which I had gotten three years ago. That was the road, where that had happened, that accident which had destroyed me. The road 76 was the one where they had died and then I couldn't have helped them, I had had no chance. But I remembered perfectly clear that then I had reached hospital in less than seven minutes. I could recall every single thought from that night, every fear and every hope. But then I hadn't been able to do anything, to even try, and maybe it intensified my guilt, so now, no matter how bad and tired I felt, I had to do my best to help people injured in bus crush. With that thought I stormed into hospital.

My mind was clear, all strange feelings had gone away in the moment I crossed the threshold of ER.

\- Have they brought them already? – I asked immediately, in the moment, I reached to dispatching room.

\- No, but we have information about three ambulances and few private cars, first one will be here in 2 minutes.

\- Who is on board?

\- From our regular staff, only three surgeons, one neurosurgeon and four anesthesiologists. We are waiting for help from Harrisburg.

\- Alright, I go to make myself ready, and then will be waiting on block number five, tell doctor Balder that I'm waiting for his instructions.

\- I'm here. – Dr Balder walked in, in a hurry unusual for him.

\- Boss, do you know something more, something more specific? – I asked him anxiously, I was determined to start my work as soon as possible.

\- It was massive crash. Unfortunately there is fifteen dead people, they will brought them later for autopsy, about sixteen people with smaller injuries who can wait in ER and five very severe cases. We don't have enough people, so we can't work in big groups, you and I, we will take two worst ones and teamed with neurosurgeon, partially.

\- So there is no time left.

\- Right, we are going. And you, can you take it, right? Is it ok? You haven't slept much in last 24 hours …

\- I haven't slept at all during last 24 hours, but you know me, I'm ready, it's my whole live now, I won't screw it.

\- I know, that's the reason I'm worried. I don't want you to lose something more.

He touched my shoulder and I felt calmness – it was good, he had always been so good boss and also caring friend to me. Just it. I didn't want to ask about what he meant by that. I was sure that I was able to manage every difficult case, and long awaited calmness came to me. Accompanied with adrenalin that time. It was also very unusual mixture, but I wasn't angry anymore. And that was important.

\- That one is yours. – He pointed in the direction of stretcher, which two paramedics were pushing through the doors ...

\- What's up there? – I ran to them immediately.

\- Head injury, very strong bleeding, heartbeat stopped twice, globally for 10 minutes, get back pulse after ...

I looked down at my patient, it was young girl, her whole face was in blood, she had her arm broken, it was open fracture. Not only face, but everything was in blood. I didn't have any time to waste. I had to hurry to save her.

\- Don't be afraid, I will rescue you. – I mumbled, looking at her.

I walked out from operating room so tired, that I almost wasn't able to stand up straight. It took us, but mostly me, eight hours to complete surgery, I had to take care of her head, her arm, and some others inside injuries and only for one hour I had been supported by neurosurgeon. But she went through that, so I could be proud of myself. I was ready to deliver good news to her family, but in waiting room there were so many people, probably family and friends of all victims from that accident, but nobody came to me so I went to reception.

\- Linds, can you call out family of my patient, I want to give them information about state of her health and as soon as possible I want to go home, I'm exhausted.

\- I can't even imagine how may you feel, here in reception it's like nightmare, we have to deal with all these patients and their families but to operate almost alone … – She paused for a second, probably because she saw my tired expression, but then continued her sentence. – I can't remember similar accident, so many people hurt … and dead …

\- Yes, and I came here without any sleep so now I'm awake about 48 hours in a row, so please hurry up Lindsay, I really want to go home as soon as possible. – I had to lean against the counter not to fall, my hands were shaking.

\- Unfortunately Susan, I can't help you, that girl didn't have any documents with her, firemen didn't find any telephone, just nothing, we don't know her ID, so there is nobody from her family, we must wait until she wakes up to call anybody.

\- So, I'm leaving now, but as soon as she wakes up, call me. She was unconscious for long, I have to be sure that no brain damages occurred.

\- Ok, no matter of time?

\- Of course, you know me.

\- Susan you are wonderful doctor and person, you know that, right?

\- Sometimes I doubt it but thanks.

When I left Lindsay in the reception room, little smile showed on my face. " _Yes, I could be nobody, maybe I don't know who am I in personal life, but one thing I could be sure about, I am brilliant surgeon, and I am able to rescue people"._ On my way out of hospital, I looked in the room in which my patient was laying, monitor showed that she was stable now, so I was able to go home.

It was about 4 PM on Monday when I finally reached my bed. When I closed my eyes I saw face of that girl, whose life I had saved today. I had always thought much about my patients, but it had escalated especially after accident, in my mind they sometimes had become substitute of lost family. But also I used to think about possibilities. If I had been the one operating my daughter, maybe she would have survived. I would never be able to know that. When it had happened I had not been able to get strength to fight with Balder for place in operating room, I had already known that Max had been death and Lizzie, my little Lizzie had been in tragic state. They had not let me operate, probably I wouldn't have been able to keep anything in my hands. But today I was able to make it alright, after sleepless night, with some wine in my blood, I had handled it. But then I had not been able even to try to save my daughter. It was making no sense to think about it now. She had been dying when they had brought her to hospital, they had done everything that had been possible to rescue her, and even me, her mother couldn't have done anything more. But there would be "if" forever … It had happened on the same fucking road, Route number 76, injuries had been too strong and she had been too young and fragile, she couldn't have been rescued. I had known that, as a doctor, but as a mother I had not been able to convince myself to give up hope during the whole surgery, but when I had been dying to hear some good news, they had delivered me the one about death of my child, the one that had ended my own life. Today when I had rescued that girl, nobody had been waiting for any news, maybe nobody had cared about her. It was unfair. But I wasn't sure what exactly was unfair, the fact that my Lizzie had died or that some unknown stranger had survived or that nobody had been waiting for good news? I didn't know. It was all spinning around my head in chaos.

Why was I thinking that way. It wasn't unfair, it was just life, maybe coincidence. Of course that somewhere out there was her family caring about her, they just didn't know about accident so they couldn't thank me. No it was not about thanking me. No, it was not about my ego. I didn't know why the hell I was thinking about it. Thoughts about my daughter lying death in hospital mixed with pictures from today's surgery and I was only trying as hard as I could to push aside other strange thoughts, but I failed. That girl, that young woman reminded me about Lana, about my first love. I didn't know why, cause I could have barely seen her face during surgery but it had been something about her, after one look at her face, she had brought back vision of Lana. It was horrible. She was just my patient and I didn't know her at all, but I felt connection. I didn't want to think about it anymore. Why my mind wanted to torture me so badly with pictures of my dead daughter, with sights of Lana when she was smiling at me and confessing her love, and vision of blood on my hands when I was operating on that stranger without a name. It was too much, I hysterically cried out and then passed away, into sleep or unconscious, I didn't know, I didn't notice the difference.

I had been sleeping for about 12 hours, so I found myself awake too early. It was 4.35 AM. " _Just great. What could I do so early in the morning?_ " I wasn't able to push myself back to sleep, I had been sleeping too long already, so I got out of bed, my eyes were caught by laptop, without thinking I opened it. There was still decision to make "Ok" / "Cancel" – without any further hesitation I canceled my "romantic" offer and closed computer. The glass with wine, the soppy rose one was still there, I tried a little bit of it, but it gave me awful feeling of nausea. I walked downstairs, on the way wounding foot on the remains of glass vase, what made me awake completely. I made myself some coffee, but it was too early for it either, I was like zombie walking unconscious through that house, but something finally caught my attention. It was our wedding photo standing over the fireplace. Max looked so handsome and happy there, totally unaware of what could have happened, what I had been hiding from him. Suddenly I recreated what I had seen on laptop's screen earlier, just by the way. It was the date, May, 27th. Today was our tenth wedding anniversary. It didn't matter anymore cause he had been dead for more than 3 years now, but still. Ten years ago I had decided to put my needs and desires aside and I had married Max Willsburn, handsome, wealthy, aspiring lawyer with great sense of humor. Everybody had thought that we had been a perfect couple, both beautiful, young, ambitious, nothing but wonderful future had been predicted for us. But unfortunately it had not been fairytale at all, and it had been all my fault. I couldn't put even 1% blame on him. It was all me and my demons.

I didn't want to think about past, about him, how I had destroyed his life and also life of our daughter. It was too much. Feeling guilty definitely perfectly match with my routine, but I wasn't calm and sad at all. From yesterday, or maybe it had already become day before yesterday, I had been angry, only with little pauses. Thinking that life was unfair had been since Sunday hard to push away, but I had no right to it cause all of that had happened on my own purpose, and probably that fact was most heartbreaking part of it. That was the reason why I couldn't move on from my grief.

Wall clock showed 5.30 AM, so I had been away, in my thoughts for some time. I decided that maybe I could be helpful at hospital, cause there still had to be a lot of patients from accident. I got myself together and drove to work.

\- Susan what are you doing here so early in the morning? – One of nurses, Annie was shocked to see me here again at 6 AM.

\- I couldn't sleep for so long, you know I'm insomniac. I think that you may need me here. – I smiled a little. I was able to wear my mask, when I was at work. I had learned how to hide my soul and sorrow, with smile, jokes, with professional behavior.

\- It's calmer now, but it has been like total chaos since crash.

\- I know, do you have statistic already?

\- Unfortunately it's not good, sixteen dead, five in serious condition, fourteen stable ones, and one in coma.

\- Coma? – I asked anxiously.

\- It's that girl, whom you were operating.

\- Fuck, I feared that she was unconscious too long and it could be hard for her brain, but I didn't predict coma, where is she now?

\- ER 102.

\- Thanks.

I rushed there. She was lying unconscious, so calm with so many monitors and medical equipment connected to her body. I checked all diagrams and information on screen. She was stable. I felt like I was going to faint so I sat down next to her bed. I looked at her face, by bandages it was hard to notice how she looked like. " _Does it matter, Susan why?_ " Maybe I wanted to make myself sure that however in any way she didn't remind me of Lana. But I quickly pushed these thoughts away. I focused on the fact that all my efforts, what I had done to save her, was now into question, she was in coma, she could not make it or even pass away. Yesterday I had been so fucking proud of myself, but maybe without reason. I was afraid of letting down doctor Balder, her unknown family, myself … I remembered his words " _I don't want you to lose something more_ ". I definitely didn't want to lose any of my patients, never, but at that moment I felt that losing that girl could mean something more than losing any other patient. But I had no idea why. I was sitting there, staring at her … fluently I sailed away with my thoughts, I was thinking about Lizzie, about my wedding day, about Lana … mostly about her, about our time together, cause now even if I didn't want it at all, more than day before I saw similarities. But not in her appearance, cause I couldn't see that, but in some kind of inexplicable feeling I got when I looked at her. " _Fuck ..._ " I was sure that I had to go away from that room immediately. But I didn't get a chance to do it, because my boss came in.

\- What the hell are you doing here Susan? Should I get a restarting order for you, just to give you chance for sleep and resting. – He put his hand on my arm, and looked at me with concern in his eyes.

\- I have slept for almost 12 hours, I haven't sleep longer in my whole life.

\- But you were here on Sunday afternoon, yesterday since early morning, or rather night, and now I see you here at 6.40 AM, please Susan be serious, I know that you are devoted to work but you can't be professional without resting, it's just impossible.

\- I'm not working I just came here to ... – I was looking for some excuse. – To sit with that girl in coma cause she is unidentified and we can't connect to her family.

\- We have nurses for that job, you don't have to …

\- I know, I know, but there are so many patients here and I have free time, so ...

\- Susan, stop it, I know that you are running away from home, but this is just too much, I'm giving you three days off, and there is no way to refuse it.

\- John, but …

\- No, it's decided. Get some rest.

That three days were the worst time in my life since that after funeral period. I spent most of it in my bed, staring on the wall or dropping tears on photos in album, without possibility to push away anger and hopelessness. And when I went out of house, I was going back and forth from cemetery, but it didn't give me relief either. I was desperately wanting to focus on something important, to get anything that I could care about and there was nothing, just emptiness. I was more tired than after 72 hours emergency at hospital. I decided that I couldn't live that way any longer. There were two opposite options, commitment of suicide or introduction of change. Both of them fucking hard to achieve.

When I came back to work I felt relief. I thought that maybe I would be able to come back to my routine, without need to implement some drastic solutions. After check in I went immediately to ER 102. Even if earlier I had wanted to run away from there, I rushed to check on her, she was still there, nothing had changed, she was in coma. That time, view of her didn't bring to me any bad or strange feelings, or memories. That time it was like a revelation, I just got a feeling that finally again I had somebody to care about and it was decided. I decided that as long as her family couldn't be there I would be there for her and do everything to bring her back from coma. I finally had something to focus on, it was good feeling, more than good, it felt wonderful to start some introduction of change. _"Thank you stranger"_ I said quietly and I felt as my face was lightening up. I had a prediction that it could be a beginning of something good, a new direction … even if it had started with déjà vu of accident on road 76 …


	9. Chapter 9 Looking for answers, looking f

CHAPTER 9 – Looking for answers, looking for hope

 ** _New York, about one and a half months later – early July 2014_**

I was lying on my bed. I didn't know for how long. Days, hours, minutes, even seconds, every of them were erased. I had dropped my work, I had not been able to push myself to go out of bed, so how to manage to deal with clients, to wear mask of nice waitress. I had never been nice waitress, even if I had been in good mood, so now I would be just rude and would tell to fuck off to everybody. It was just impossible to live normal. It was hopeless place, I had tried every possible way to connect with her – I had called everybody, even her exes Artie and Sam, had used social media to reach for any contact, had been everywhere in Lima, in Massachusetts, even in New York, at Yale in New Heaven to meet with Quinn, I had gotten to every person she might have known at MIT, I had called info lines about missing people … now I was out of ideas. So there was nothing else to do, than lying in bed.

She obviously didn't want me or anybody else to find her, she had written it to her mother in text message that night. She had made it clear that she had wanted time away, but she had hoped that she wouldn't be alone. Had there been already somebody new? 24 hours after her confession of love for me? It didn't make any sense. My head was pumping. I heard knock on my door, but I didn't want to see anybody.

\- Leave me alone! – I screamed. It was tiring when they unsuccessfully tried to console me, making me feel only worse and worse.

\- It really has to stop, Santana, now! – Kurt, when he tried to sound despotically, was just ridiculous.

\- Leave me alone, I'm not joking. If you come in, I will kill you.

\- You have to eat something Santana, you look like a starved child from Africa.

\- Fuck you Porcelain.

\- I won't go away until you eat something. Even if you don't care about us, we care about you, Rachel and I, we won't let you die here.

\- Don't even mention her name in this room.

\- I have pancakes for you and you will eat all of them.

He sat on the edge of my bed, looking at me with compassion. I couldn't stand his facial expression, but when I could smell the pancakes, my stomach began to rumble so loudly, so I couldn't deny that I was really starving. I ate all of them without looking at Kurt. But I knew that he wasn't triumphing, he was just glad that I wouldn't die of hunger. I couldn't deny that he was a good friend.

\- Thank you. – I said as quiet as possible.

\- You are welcome. And now we have to do something about your staying at bed for so long. It's also not so healthy.

\- I ate, so now leave me alone, it's not helping, all this talking.

\- You have to wake up San, when Britt will be ready, she will come back, and what do you want her to find here. A corpse of previously gorgeous Santana Lopez?

\- Fuck off Kurt.

\- Any help needed? – Rachel shyly looked through the door.

\- You are not welcome here. – I said immediately.

But she came in anyway and sat down next to Kurt. We were sitting in silence. I was blaming her for everything, maybe it was unfair but I had to blame somebody, not to go totally insane. After all I was still close to it. Brittany had been missing, I didn't know for sure the reason, I didn't know if she was alright. I did know nothing and I could do nothing. And it drove me crazy. All I could do was holding onto past and daydreaming. In my head I was creating different stories, some happy endings for Britt and me. I planned how I would proposed to her, our wedding day, sometimes even kids …

 _In my dream our wedding was perfect. We both were so excited, Britt was panicking a bit too much with all that pre-wedding superstitions, like hiding her dress, looking for something old and blue. That was making her cutter than ever. When I saw her 10 minutes before beginning of the ceremony, she was terrified, and was determined to run to shop to buy another dress and changed immediately. I couldn't stop laughing but at the same moment I was amazed how much she wanted to get happy ending for us. I calmed her with sweet kiss. Kissing her was the most wonderful experience ever, our lips fitted perfectly to each other, our tongues knew how to interact but at the same moment we were able to surprise one another with some bite or different pace. I was totally in love with her, and I knew that she felt the same way. We planned intimate ceremony for our families and friends. Everybody joined us, even my Abuela. Members of Glee were singing. It took place somewhere outdoors, whit a lot of flowers, maybe near to some lake … All in white … Our fathers led us to the altar, where we stood next to each other, her eyes were like blue ocean, in which I could sink. I loved her some much. In our vows, there wasn't anything from Bible or romantic books, just our thoughts, declarations of love, devotion, commitment, our story. She was the most gorgeous bride ever, in long white dress, very simple and elegant, her blonde hair were shining brightly in lights of sun, and her eyes – blue as ever, I couldn't stop staring into them. After official pronounced use wife and wife, I kissed her the way I had never kissed her before, with more love, more passion, more longing … and I decided that I would never let her out from my embrace. We celebrated with singing and dancing. For our first dance, I intoned "I love you, I love you, I love you …" and then took her in my arms to the dance floor._

I had recreated that daydream so many times, with different scenery, with different gowns but still with the same lead actress. It was hopeless, I wasn't stupid, I knew that what I was doing wasn't helping me or anybody else. But how could I stop it? I had no idea.

Kurt and Rachel probably saw that in my thoughts I was away from that room, but they patiently were sitting there with me in silence. Their presence, their support didn't help me cause I was sure that they didn't understand what I felt, and I felt so lonely with my sorrow. But then suddenly it hit me that Rachel could know about that feeling more than anybody else. How could I forget about that.

\- Rachel could you do something for me?

\- Everything. – Her face lightened up, like she was dying to hear any word from me.

\- Can you tell me, how does it feel when you lost one person you love the most? – There was hesitation in my voice, cause I didn't want to bring horrible memories back, even if I hated Rachel at that moment, I didn't want to hurt her in purpose.

\- What do you mean?

\- Finn …

\- It's different, he is dead, he passed away, I had to accept that, there was no other way.

\- But what did you feel then and what do you feel now?

\- I was devastated, you know that, I'm still missing him a lot, haunting myself on desire to call him, to touch him, it's natural Santana. It is mourning.

\- But when it happened did you feel that something was wrong, you know, before it happened or during, before you got that news?

\- Maybe, yes maybe, I think that yes, that day I got some strange feelings but …

\- Ok, I won't push you to talk about it any longer, I just want to know. Personally I don't have any kind of strange feelings, you know, prediction that Brittany might be, you know … hurt or dead, I think that I would feel that.

\- Of course that she is alive, and she will be back sooner than you think.

She hugged me and I hugged her back. Even if my hatred was not away for good. I wanted to believe that it was true, that Brittany was alright. But that meant that she was punishing me, hurting me on purpose, but still it was better option.

I was left alone in my room, Rachel and Kurt went to NYADA, they had some pre-semester meeting.

I was back in my considerations. " _Britt, how could you do it to me? Is it revenge?"_ For what? I listed it loud, just to myself:

\- for that morning after our first night, when I had come up with that nonsense about practicing for boys?

\- for the fact that I had been sleeping with Puck and Finn and even Sam and then I had been coming back to you because with them it had not been good at all, but still I had not been ready to admit it?

\- or maybe because of that day, when I had refused singing Melissa's song with you in the front of everybody at Glee?

\- no it was probably because I had been furious that you had stayed with Artie even when I had confessed my love for you. And then you had known that I had not been ready and that had been totally true, so I had made up that bullshit with Karofsky and had refused Lebanese T-shirt?

No it couldn't be anything from that cause it was long ago and then we had left all that in the past, we had gone through that, it had been forgotten and forgiven. I was sure. It must be something else, obviously nothing from our senior year, because then it had been like paradise, I was sure that for both of us it had been amazing time. We had been two happiest girls in the whole world.

Even if she had thought that I had chosen Dani, she must have known that I would be worried about her as my best friend. Always. So it had to be some kind of revenge, punishment, maybe she wanted me to feel how it was like to be abandoned or to miss her more than she had been missing me. I couldn't figure that out. I went back to optional reasons for revenge – maybe she had wanted me to feel like she used to feel when I had been at university or there at New York, but it had been her who had pushed me to come there. I didn't understand it at all. Being so hopeless and helpless was making me so desperate and I only wanted to sleep and not to think about at all. Just to get all of that crap out of my head. I couldn't understand her motives, I couldn't believe that girl I knew so well, was able to cause all of us, especially me, so much sorrow.

From my thoughts I was taken out by Rachel. She came back from her meeting, all excited. I thought that was about their plans for next year, probably she was planned for some lead role.

\- Eureka, tell me that I'm not a genius ...

\- What? Have you found way to ... – She had to see lights of hope in my eyes, cause she cut it off immediately.

\- No, not yet. But I just have a conversation with Matthew Watts.

\- Who the hell is he?

\- One of the best private detectives in New York. – She said with satisfaction.

\- Hm? – I only made surprised and disbelieving expression.

\- Maybe not exactly, but definitely the best one from the section we can afford, I can say that for sure.

\- And so what?

\- Now he is working for us, I mean for you. He has just started searching for Britt.

\- Is it legal?

\- Of course, he will take care of everything and he will find Brittany. I'm 100% sure.

\- He said that it is really possible?

\- Yes, I gave him all information I got, but you know her better than anyone else, so call him immediately.

She dictated me his number. After 15 minutes of conversation, he gave me back some hope – I sensed that he knew his job. It might work out. I walked to Rachel and hugged her.

\- Thank you for that idea, but it doesn't mean that we are ok, is it clear?

\- Ok, Santana, but when Britt comes back, everything will be ok? Friends?

\- Not jet.

I decided to go out of bed and make something with myself. I had not been working for month now, I still had money which my mother had given to me but I didn't want to spend all of it on nothing particular. If, I meant, when Britt would finally come back to me we could go on some vacations, or maybe rent some apartment for ourselves. Yes, I had to do something with myself. But what? I didn't want to come back to being waitress, doing commercials, no ... Finally I had to find some better idea for my future. I decided that I would wait with that for her comeback, and now just take care of my look, diet, of our apartment. It was good idea. It was decided then. I was waiting for my woman, waiting, just like she had said she would, but had been too inpatient to keep faith ... no, no, no I didn't want to think about it now. About reasons, about fault – her or mine. I was just waiting, and she would come back to me and that was all what mattered at that moment.

Immediately I felt need to go outside, to get a feeling that it was summer, I was spending too much time in that closed space, in my bedroom. I took metro and reached Central Park, it was like oasis in the heart of dessert, the best place for summer in New York. I was feeling relief while walking between trees, I didn't mind noises made by children running around. I needed to be around people. I just realized that being so alone, so isolated was not the best way to cope with that situation. I sat down on one of benches. It was the same part of the park. We had been there with Glee club during our first Nationals. We had lost it, but like my genius had said later – that year had not been about winning. I had been furious about our defeat, everybody had expected me to act that way so I had put that mask on. I recalled Britt's " _My cup_ " original song, our pillow fight, talking with Quinn. I had been before my coming out, although I had admitted my feelings, I had not been ready to be fully open about it. She had known that. I had been so nervous, missing her like crazy, cause even we had been so close and she had broken up with Artie, she had cut me off from intimacy. She had told me that she had wanted to be mine "out and proud", she had not wanted to hide, to pretend, to date boys, like I had done with Karofsky and definitely she had not wanted to share me with anyone else. She had been stubborn. I had not been able to tease her with any of sweet lady kisses. When I had dared to ask her what would become of us, she had told me that everything had been possible. I had known that it should be my turn, she had been waiting for me to be ready to be her girlfriend. She had been patient then, we had spent whole summer together, talking, having fun, partying, becoming closer to each other emotionally. But we had been waiting to take that final step to last night, last night of holidays.

 ** _Summer 2011_**

It was so hot, almost 100 degrees at 7 PM. I spent whole day with my Abuela cause she needed somebody to accompany her to hospital. I was dying to see Britt, knowing that from Monday we would be focused on classes, and because it was last year we would have more separate lessons. It had been few months since we had had sex for the last time. I hadn't slept with anybody since then. Spending so much time with girl that I was in love with, caused the situation that I was consumed with desire, but I said to myself that I had to control that. That day I called her, she agreed to come to end-holiday part at Puck's. I drove to pick her up. Her parents were just leaving.

\- Hello Santana, what a hot day. – Her dad greeted me enthusiastically.

\- Yes, Mr. Pierce, it feels like middle of holidays not the end.

\- Some crazy party for today?

\- No, it's only a little friends gathering. – I winked, he had always liked me, I knew that and I was sure that he didn't have anything against some wild partying.

\- Really? I'm disappointed. We are old so we are going for some boring dinner to Breadstix, but you girls should have some fun.

\- Don't bring them astray. – Britt's mum looked at her husband reproachfully. – Brittany is upstairs, getting ready, if you don't want to wait here, go inside.

\- Yes, thanks, here in the car is too hot.

I walked upstairs. I didn't have any plans on my mind, I wasn't about to seduce her, even if I wanted that so badly.

\- Knock, knock, is there anybody?

\- Come in, I need some advice ...

I walked in, my eyes got wider in shock, not it was rather excitement and some chills. She was standing in the middle of the room in her lingerie, trying to choose what to wear for a party. I had seen her that way thousands times, but again my blood boiled.

\- Britt, hurry up if you don't want us to be late.

\- Fashionably late, you mean?

\- No, any way of being late. – I knew that I was staring, she had to see it too, it was embarrassing.

\- Which one should I wear?

\- Any of them ...

\- Hmmm?

\- You are perfect at that moment.

\- Do you think that it will be appropriate to go in undies?

\- No, no, no ... I mean that we shouldn't go at all.

\- Why? I want to ...

\- But I want YOU!

\- I want you too, but why shouldn't we go then?

\- Because it is too long, I can't hold back any longer.

\- Hold back from what?

\- From you, from your body, I want you Britt, I love you, I know that you love me too, so why should we have to wait?

\- We don't have to wait, but I want you to be ready, I don't want to push you to do anything, you are not sure of. I want you to be happy Santana.

\- I'm happy now, when I'm able to tell you how I feel. I'm happy and it's because of you in every meaning. Thank you my Britt-Britt.

\- You don't have to thank me, I did it for selfish reasons, I just want to be with you not only in sexual sense and as a friend, I want to mix it with deeper feelings. – She smiled so adorable, that I melted.

\- Yes I remember, with feeling it's better, I used to deny it, when you first have mentioned it, now I think it's possible, but still I'm not sure.

\- Umm why?

\- Because we have not checked it Britt!

\- Ups … Lord Tubbington ran away from bed cause he knew what you were talking about.

\- And you? Do you know? Do you want it?

\- Maybe ... – She said it seductively. – But today I'm in the mood for dancing.

\- Me too, but I want to dance only with you, I don't need guys from school to dance the night away.

I put some music on her stereo. First track from shuffled list was _"Hungry eyes"_ ... I found it perfect. I came closer to her, I was dressed properly for scorching weather but when I touched her naked body I felt cold shivers, I was dying to make love to her. I had never before realized that I loved slow dancing, I loved it with her. _"Whether we will have the opportunity to dance that way in public, we used to dance together in Glee but it was choreography?"_ Anyway I was happy. I was totally in love with her.

\- San?

\- Hm?

\- I love dancing with you...

\- I was thinking exactly about the same, just few second ago, about you Britt.

\- And I think that you, you are ready for feelings ...

She pulled me closer and kissed me, wow, I was longing for that kiss, and it was way better than before.

\- You were right, with feeling it's better ... I can't wait to ...

But I couldn't end the sentence, she pushed me to the bed, got me out of my clothes and made love to me, gently, slowly, so fucking good. I remembered every second of that, it was like in slow motion. She kissed every inch of my body, started from my ears, taking time to explored it inside and out with tip of her tongue, then bit me gently and whispered _"I love you babe"_ , went down to my neck. Feeling her hot lips and her tongue on my neck, then circulating around nipples, giving little bites on them, I was not able to focus on doing anything, only thing I could do was running my fingers up and down on her back. Then suddenly she completely changed her position, and started to kiss my calf, inner thigh, I was electrified with desire. She felt that, immediately she turned me from my back, and I was lying on my belly and she was kissing and biting my butt. I couldn't handle that anymore. Britt knew my body, she was aware of that so she pulled me up, placing her knees between mine and putting my hands against the wall. My moisture flowed, I was so fucking ready. She teased me a minute longer with some short kisses on my back and then went down on me. I exploded, she gave me one orgasm after other, I had to base firmly against the wall not to lay down. I was sure that neighbors could hear me, but who cared about it at such magnificent moment. And when she put me down on bed again and told me _"I love you Santana Lopez, more than you can imagine",_ I was the happiest girl on the planet.

After few minutes of resting I took care of my girl. I put in it every single emotion, which I had been forced to hide before. And with feelings indeed it was a way better, seeing happiness in her eyes, whispering declaration of love, that gave into it meaning of making love, it wasn't just sex (which is not dating) anymore.

After few weeks I finally plucked up enough courage to ask her about our status and we were officially dating. I was so grateful that she had waited for me. That she had not pushed me out of closet, that she had given me time to grow up to that. I loved her.

 ** _Back in present_**

Why now couldn't she wait for me any longer? I was sitting in darkness, on some bench in Central Park, I was going back and forth from hope to frustration, but I pushed it away. Now it was my turn to be the one, who had to wait and I was trying to accept that, but it was so fucking hard and totally no in Santana's style.


	10. Chapter 10 - All we need is … someone to

CHAPTER 10 – All we need is … someone to care about

 ** _Camp Hill, Pennsylvania, 3 months later, late August 2014_**

It had been three months since accident, she still had been in coma. Since I had made that unexpected decision, I had visited her every day – after work, or during it when I had no other patients to check on or no operation planned. Her medical state was stable, nothing had changed, but she couldn't wake up. Every day I had been sitting with her, trying to tell some stories about hospital, current politics, sport, whatever, just to deliver my voice to her, cause maybe she could hear that. It was still not proved what people in coma could hear or feel.

I had a feeling that today I was at her room a little too long. I checked on her few times during day and then I came to her after work at 6 PM and now I realized that it was 7.30 PM. I spent there one and a half hour, reading some novel by Stephen King and it hooked me. I had not been reading anything just for me, for a pleasure, and not for work, since ages. I admired it, a lot. I was doing that for her, but at the same moment somehow I found out that it was good to finally do something for myself, too. I had to admit, I was doing that also for myself. But when I saw 7.30 PM on my clock, I panicked a little, I already should be on my way to cemetery. I stood up quickly, said bye into the space and walked out.

It was 8 PM, when I arrived there with some flowers, which I had gotten earlier from grateful mother of one of my little patients, the boy with head injury caused by fall from bicycle. I hadn't had enough time to buy some other flowers, so I used that bouquet. I didn't feel completely right to use somebody's else present as my own gift for my daughter, but I put that white lilies in marble vase, and looked nostalgic on the grave.

 ** _Elizabeth "Lizzie" Willsburn_**

 ** _10th February 2008 - 15th March 2011_**

 ** _Beloved daughter_**

I kept my eyes on framed photo, taken three days before her death. Now perfectly restored, few weeks ago seemed to be taken only few days ago. But it was more than three years now … When that photo had been taken we had been at park. She had been so happy, running around, playing, jumping on the playground. I tried to recreate sound of her laugh and vision of her smile. I closed my eyes, and almost felt touch of her little hands, when she had been reaching out to me, calling " _Mummy, mummy, your piggy wants back._ " I smiled to myself or maybe rather to vision of her. I missed her so much. I loved her so much. I moved my eyes to photo of Max, that one had been taken at Christmas Eve in 2010, I didn't remember who had chosen it before funeral, if that had been me or his mother …

 ** _Max Willsburn_**

 ** _25th October 1977 - 15th March 2011_**

 ** _Beloved husband, father and son_**

I had been there every single day since funeral. But that day for the first time I smiled at their photos, like good memories came to me without beating them up with staring at photos in album. I just got a vision of Max playing with Lizzie on that day in park, they had been great together, she had adored him, he had been able to make her laugh even if she had fallen and had gotten hurt. He had been amazing father. I had to admit that without any envy or rivalry. I had enjoyed spending time with them, watching them together. I was missing not only her, I realized that I was missing him too, as a father of my daughter. But that memory and that feeling of longing brought me back to my state of calm sadness, because my guilt came back to me.

I still had my routine – work, cemetery, photo albums ... and now I added spending time with unconscious girl to that list. Maybe it wasn't more normal then or maybe it was even more insane with that new additional habit.

I left my car on the parking and decided to take a walk. I was five minutes from my house, when I heard that somebody was calling me.

\- Sue, wait. Suzie Q!

I turned around. It was Lindsay, during her jogging session.

\- Hi Linds. I didn't know that you were running through my neighborhood.

\- I modified my route. – She said trying to catch her breath.

\- Longer or shorter now?

\- The same, but different environment … not to get bored. – She smiled.

\- And I'm on my usual walk from cemetery, always the same route.

She didn't say anything, probably embarrassed by my statement. I hadn't been talking with nobody at work about my personal life, but I was aware that they could have their own predictions, maybe wonderings, after all they had seen me at hospital, during that tragic night and they had seen me almost every day after that. I had tried my best to hide every feeling, but I was sure that sometimes I must have failed.

\- Linds, it's not good to take breaks in training.

\- If you say so, doctor Susan. – She smiled but probably saw that I was trying to get rid of her.

\- I know what I'm saying, trust me.

\- I know that you know it, at least I have never been able to keep up with you, when we used to run together.

\- I didn't mean that. It's just medically proved.

\- So why … – I looked at her with frozen glance, so she didn't end her question. I didn't want to have again that conversation about why I had dropped our trainings. She saw that and backed off. – Anyway see you at work next week.

\- Bye, and good luck with your routes.

\- Bye Sue.

I came back to my empty house, if only I had some reasons to gain or save money, I would sell it and rent some smaller apartment, but I had been and still was taking so much hours at work, I could easily afford it and life insurance had paid me so well after accident, that I really had no idea what I could do with money, I didn't need them, having or spending them couldn't make me happy in any way. It didn't matter, I just thought about it cause for the first time since very long I had realized how dirty windows at my house were and I noticed that I should take care of them. I perceived also that there were more than twenty five windows at my house. _"Fuck ... I have to pay somebody to do it for me. So sometimes money can help."_

For that night I had to look through an album with photos from period, when Lizzie had been one year old and had just started to stand up and walk a little bit. She had been adorable, when she had been reaching out for anything to stabilize herself but usually had failed and ended up on the ground, but immediately had tried again without crying. Then I had been taking thousands of photos, but very rarely had recorded some videos. It was a shame, cause I started to forget the sound of her laughter, the way she was making funny face. Fortunately today, earlier on cemetery I had been able to recall some vision with sound, moves and even sense of her touch, but it had been something unusual. I had problems to recreate all that, maybe because I had tried so hard.

I spent about one hour looking through photos. And then again I found myself without any occupation, so I took laptop and thought few seconds about what I should do. I leaned against any desire to visit dating sites and decided to read something about coma. I spent about five hours, till late night reading professional medical sites. They gave me great ideas.

Music, perfumes, smell of food, touching with different material – it all could help to bring back somebody from coma, but we had to use motives that person could remember and like. Hmm, I wanted to try even if it could be hard cause I didn't know her at all. Anyway I decided that I would do my best. First step – music. I planned to create music list and to give her about three or five songs every day. Not knowing her taste, I had to get every different kind of music, from pop, reggae, hip hop ... to dance and maybe even classics. I started immediately. I logged into iTunes and started to upload "the bests" from every possible kind of music directly to my iPod, which I had not used for ages ... I fell asleep on my desk, I even didn't know when ...

Next morning, it was Sunday, first one free of work for few weeks. But anyway going to hospital was first task on my list, although I felt fatal neck and back pain because of slipping somewhere between my desk and chair. But I was determined to see her to start music therapy as soon as possible.

\- Hello stranger.

I walked into her room. It was dark here, so I raised blinds to let sun's rays in. I looked at her. She was so calm, for so many weeks there had been no signs of activity from her. I was determined to change that.

\- Today we have a beautiful Sunday morning, it's summer heat already, without clouds on sky, you should wake up and enjoy it. – I winked as if she could see me. – We start our music therapy today so be ready to move a little or even open your eyes.

I sat down next to her and turned on first track, I pressed shuffle mode on iPod, cause I totally didn't have idea which track I should choose first, which one she could enjoy.

 _Sally called when she got the word,_

 _And she said: "I suppose you've heard about Alice"_

 _When I rushed to the window and I looked outside_

 _And I could hardly believe my eyes_

 _As a big limousine rolled up into Alice's drive_

 _Oh, I don't know why she's leaving_

 _Or where she's gonna go_

 _I guess she's got her reasons_

 _But I just don't want to know_

 _'_ _Cos for twenty-four years I've been living next door to Alice_

 _Twenty-four years just waiting for the chance_

 _To tell her how I feel and maybe get a second glance_

 _Now I've got to get used to not living next door to Alice_

Smokie – old, but still great. I got into dreaming mood, I used to like that song. I forgot about it, but hearing lyrics and melody it reminded me that it had been one of my favorites, long, long ago when I had been teenager. It also brought some memories back.

 ** _Los Angeles, California – about 20 years ago_**

\- Susan, remember no drugs, no alcohol and no sex is allowed. Especially sex.

\- I know mum, but I'm not a child anymore.

\- Fifteen is still a childhood.

\- But in three days I will be sixteen. And then …

\- And then nothing changes, you still will be my little girl without permission to use alcohol, drugs and sex. You should remember that to be respected young woman, you must be the one, who respect yourself the most. And then boys will respect and adore you, the way you deserve it and want it.

\- And if I don't want it?

\- Every girl wants to be respected and adored by boys and then by men. And these who claim other way, these are only spinsters, feminists, and so called lesbians, bitter unattractive women, whose any men ever didn't want, so it's more comfortable for them to say that they don't want them. But it's only excuse.

\- I don't …

\- And you don't fit to that group, cause you are beautiful, smart, well-born young woman, to which men will line up in queue.

\- But …

\- Just stop, there is no but.

\- Ok, mum. I'm going now.

\- So have a great fun but safe.

\- I know, I know, thanks.

\- Call then to pick you up.

\- It will be late. And it's only mile from home.

\- No matter.

\- Bye.

It was my first over night party, my best friend was celebrating sixteenth birthday. But my mother didn't have to warn me, cause I didn't want to try alcohol, drugs or sex. I wasn't interested in that kind of amusement. But I wanted to have some fun, just it … and maybe, only maybe checked some things, checked my dreams or maybe nightmares.

\- Hello my birthday girl. – I hugged Olivia, when she opened door. We had known each other for more than ten years, since first day of our education we had shared school bench. – I wish you everything that you wish for yourself. Just be happy and … I think happiness is most important.

\- Thanks, Sue. Anyway your mum wasn't willing to let you go out of car. I was afraid that she would come here to check everything.

\- You know her, lecture, lecture and once more lecture.

\- Yee, and in a minute there will be Marcus with delivery.

\- Delivery?

\- Something to speed up that party.

After about hour there were more than 50 people, most of them from school, some from neighborhood. Music was loud, there was a lot of drinks and kissing couples. Olivia was delighted because she had finally managed to draw Adam's attention. She had been in love with him for few months now. I was little dazed, even without any alcohol.

\- Drink or dance? – Marcus showed up in front of me with glass of something blue.

\- I don't like blue drinks.

\- So?

\- Dance.

He took me to living room, where some couples and groups of people were already dancing. " _Living next door to Alice_ " was playing when we started to move, first without any synchronization, but with every second he was hugging me tighter. I was trying to put myself in mood to happily welcome his kiss, cause I was sure that in a minute that would happen. And it happened. But I couldn't kiss him back, so I ran away. I went upstairs, to Olivia's bedroom.

\- Fuck, it shouldn't end up that way. – I said it aloud to myself, but it turned out that I wasn't alone there.

\- What?

\- Hm? – I turned on light. Some unknown girl was lying on Olivia's bed. – What are you doing here?

\- Hide from stupid kids. And you?

\- I'm hiding too.

\- From what?

\- From … kiss.

She stood up, came to me and without any warning, she kissed me. First very gently, but when I started to kiss her back, our lips and tongues were joined together in passionate kiss. When we parted, I couldn't reach my breath and she gave me cheeky look, what didn't help at all.

\- It is not the best hideout, if you want to run away from kisses.

\- Now, I know. – I felt that I was burning because of embarrassment. She was a stranger and we kissed … and I loved it. All of that was too much.

\- But your lips didn't seem to hide. – She winked. – I'm Veronica, and you?

\- I'm … just forget about it. I have to go.

 ** _Back in present time_**

It had been so long ago. Like in the other lifetime. But while listening to that song, besides memories, some crazy thought occurred to me that my unconscious patient was no longer unnamed stranger – for me from that moment she would be Alice, I would call her by that name cause in my mind it fitted perfectly for that long-haired blondie. It was even more strange but I was proud of my invention.

During next song, which happened to be _"We found love"_ by Rihanna, not my favorite one anyway, but maybe she used to listen to it, I had to face it that we were from different generations. I had no idea how old she was, but definitely much younger than me. Anyway I was carefully studying her body – facial expressions, hands, legs, but nothing changed, there was no moves. In the meantime I started to listen more carefully to the lyrics, it wasn't so stupid song after all.

 _You feel hopeless, like nothing can save you_

 _And when it's over, and it's gone_

 _You almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back_

 _So that you could have the good_

" _You almost wish that you could have that bad stuff back so that you could have the good – there is something true in it. Happiness mixed with hurting is still thousand times better than emptiness, everything is better than that._ " Unexpectedly doctor Balder's voice caught me and brought back to reality.

\- It's a beautiful Sunday morning and I didn't have to come here to be sure that I would find you at work.

\- John, I'm not at work, you won't have to pay me any extra money for hours I'm spending here. – I smiled to reassure him, but I expected that was not the point.

\- You know that I'm not worried about money Susan.

\- So about what? I won't do anything what could be bad for her or for hospital.

\- For God's sake, I know that.

\- So why have I just heard concern in your voice? – Why was I so stupid to ask that question, fuck. I predicted, maybe even was sure already why he was concerned.

\- You have suffered from great lost, everybody can see that still you are not ok, maybe it won't ever happen, so I'm worried that you are looking for substitutes in not so right place.

\- In hopeless place? – I repeated part of lyrics, from song which was still playing in the background.

\- What?

\- I think that you maybe want to sing along, cause you know chorus for that song. – I forced a smile.

\- It's one good think that maybe there is a chance to get back your long lost sense of humor.

\- Maybe. But boss, it's not that I'm looking here for something, I just want to help her, she has nobody here, she is in coma, it's important to be around, to talk to her …

\- Ok, ok, if you say so, but if you ever need anybody to talk to, I'm here.

\- I know. Boss? John?

\- Yes?

\- I didn't have occasion and time to check it for myself, but what's about her insurance, as long as we don't know her ID? Won't it be a problem for hospital?

\- They have luck in all this mess, transport company took care of every victim from that accident, probably for marketing reasons, but still ... so she can stay here in coma as long as she wants to. – He smiled and winked.

\- I hope that she won't take advantage of that opportunity.

\- Me too. It was a joke.

\- I know.

\- Susan, I'm going home now, you should do the same, ok?

\- Restarting order treat once again?

\- No, just friendly advice.

\- Yes, sir.

He had been my friend, for very long time. Not close one, but I had no close friends at all. But he was the one who could look through me, even during my marriage, he had been the only one, who sometimes had noticed that there could have been clouds in paradise.

I was left in the room with her alone again, but in few minutes, before I was ready to leave, some therapist came. I totally forgot that since we had taken of her gypsum and stiffening yesterday, from Sunday she would be getting rehabilitation to get her muscles alive.

\- Hello. – I didn't know him. Maybe he noticed that in my questioning look cause he hurried to introduce himself. – I'm Danny, I will be working with that sleeping beauty.

\- Hi. – I said briefly, but he reciprocated the inquisitive look, so I was forced to do the same. – My name is Susan, nice to meet you, take good care of her.

\- Aye Aye sir! – He smiled. – I promise that to you, to her …? – He definitely ended that sentence with pause and question mark.

\- Mother? – I said it out laud with strange voice, what surprised even myself. Why did I say that without thinking. Of course that he was asking about that who I was for her but, mother? My answer was inexplicable.

\- No, lady I have eyes I see that you are too young for that. – He was smiling, waiting for my answer, but that situation made me wonder again how old could she be? Twenty maybe nineteen, she was very young so I could be her mother, if I had begun very early. It gave me strange feeling. But he was staring at me, so I had to focus and answer.

\- I'm not from her family, I'm a doctor here.

\- I apologize for familiarity, I'm new here. – I didn't know it was sincere or sarcastic statement.

\- That's ok. So please start your exercises, I will watch for a minute, if you don't mind.

\- It's not a problem, can I call you doc? – According to his facial expression and body language, I was sure, he was flirting with me or at least wanted to impress me. Maybe it was both of it at the same time.

I was watching while he was touching and moving her arms and legs. These were gentle, light moves, it was just beginning of therapy. She was lying there so calm, without any symptoms of life, except breathing. I had to admit it, once again, that I was staring. I even noticed that nurses probably had shaved her legs for rehabilitation. " _What the fuck – what is wrong with me?_ " I decided to go out immediately.

\- See you next time Danny.

\- Bye, doc, I mean Susan.

\- Take good care of Alice.

\- Alice? Nice, but why there is no name on her card.

I felt embarrassment, but I had to say something. Silence was even stranger and more uncomfortable.

\- She is unidentified but I gave her that name after Smokie's song, I think that it suites her.

\- You are right doc, I have always imagined the next door girl Alice as a fragile, blonde beauty, and there she is Sleeping Beauty.

I laughed and went out of the room. All of that was strange. I took a walk to cemetery, leaving my car on parking outside the hospital. I had to think and focus on my routine. I had to think straight.

Lyrics used in this chapter

 _Smokie "Living next door to Alice"_

 _Rihanna "We found love"_


	11. Chapter 11 - Irresistible need to start

CHAPTER 11 – Irresistible need to start from scratch

 ** _New York, first days of September 2014_**

I had spent last month on waiting for results of private investigation. But as I had decided to be patient and strong, I had started to get ready to welcome Britt back. I couldn't be in such a mess. I had gone to the barber, cosmetician, to the spa – and when the outer side was ready, I started to deal with the interior. It was more difficult, but I was determined. It was making my hope stronger and somehow, when I was busy with all that preparations, it felt like it was only a matter of few days, weeks at last, to get her back, it was more sure thing then, not only something I was hoping for.

My interior – by that I meant something that I wanted to do with my life. Work, college, career. I was going through job offers, through possibilities I was getting from New York's colleges. But still I had no idea what to do with my life.

But I was sure that I had to do something with my life. It wasn't only because of Britt's missing, even before I had had no idea for my future, I had been doing different things, but hadn't found good matching idea for myself. I tried to think about moment when I had been happiest. At school I had loved to be a cheerleader, not only because of profits connected to it, I had enjoyed singing and dancing at Glee, but at short time in college I had not found it interesting to focus only on cheerleader practice. I wanted something more. But there in New York being a waitress, it had been just a temporary work, it had sucked. Competing with Rachel for lead singing had been also not so great, I really hadn't wanted to be a singer as a fulltime job, I had just wanted to make it bigger than her. I had always been a competitor. My whole life had been just about pretending, doing something to get respect – like being a Prom Queen, I had not wanted to be it for myself, but just to get admiration. Britt had taught me how to get rid of that, how to stop caring too much about other people's opinions, how to concentrate on my own needs and desires. She had been concentrated on me, she had always been helping me to figure myself out. _"I need you so much baby, without you I'm lost"._

After three months and few days I was finally ready to call Dani. I wasn't planning apologies or any kind of advances to getting closer, I just wanted to talk to her. I wanted to hear about how she was doing, if she was ok.

\- Hello. – I said quietly and hesitantly, totally not like me, cause I wasn't sure how she would react to my call.

\- Hi San, what's up? How are you doing?

\- I'm ok, maybe not really but … – Few seconds of silence made me forget why in the first place I had wanted to call her.

\- But?

\- It's completely not ok, if you ask me to be honest.

\- I know about Brittany, so you don't have to pretend.

\- You don't know nothing about her, is it clear? – I furiously screamed to the phone.

\- So you call to yell at me, nice Santana, very nice.

\- Noo … I'm sorry … – There was silence once again, but still I couldn't find out my reasons to call her. " _Why Santana? To yell? To apologize? To …?_ "

\- I see that now you are in phase of being angry and feeling sorry for that, I really understand and wish you to find her as soon as possible, but …

\- But you said that we could come back to being friends.

\- Yes, that's right. But I don't need a friend, who is such a bitch.

\- I'm not …

\- Yes you are. Accept it or change it. Going through your personal drama doesn't give you right to treat other people the way you do. Anyway I have to go back to work, see you.

\- Like you wish, so bye Dani.

Yes, maybe after all I knew why I had called her in the first place. To hear the true, I was a bitch, I was acting like a bitch toward Kurt, Rachel, my parents, when they called me. I acted as I was the most wronged person in the world and everybody had to care of my feelings and tiptoe around me. I pushed Rachel and Kurt to take care of me, to make groceries, prepare meals, and still I was unsatisfied, showing my anger and frustration on every step. It was true, I had always had bitchy attitude, but now I was crossing the line.

I went to the kitchen. Kurt and Rachel were talking enthusiastically about some performance.

\- What are you two so excited about? – Even if I didn't planned it, I heard for my own ears, that pretension was audible in my voice. Fuck, I was a bitch. I needed to change it, even if it wouldn't be so easy.

\- From that semester we will have new classes, whole half of the year about preparing one drama, and in January we will perform it publicly. I can't wait … – Rachel was so annoyingly excited. It would be harder than I could have ever predicted. She was making me want to be bitchy more than ever.

\- Wonderful, just amazing, maybe in audience I will be able to applaud you together with Brittany, but wait you don't care about her, am I wrong? – It was my standard influx of anger, which I wasn't able to stopped.

\- Oh Santana, please stop it, do you want to torment yourself. – I heard concern in Rachel's voice.

\- By the way, do you want to torment us too? – Kurt put in his two cents.

\- I was hoping just for a little support, but … as always I'm alone with everything. – It was a bullshit, I knew that, I knew that they were supporting me, taking care of me, but I just had to dump some part of blame on someone else. And every day I was getting more and more frustrated. – Why the hell that detective is not informing us about anything? – I changed subject immediately.

\- He texted me today in the morning, full report will be ready tomorrow.

\- And Rachel why didn't you tell me earlier? – Now my anger was just exploding.

\- Because, I didn't want you to go more insane while waiting for 24 hours focused only on that report.

\- You are such a caring bitch … Thanks. – I screamed and ran out of apartment.

Only two things were present on my mind – there where two possible option: " _Option one – tomorrow I will be reunited with my love. I will be able to make everything clear, I will forgive her for running away and she will forgive me for making that whole mess with Dani, and we will make up, make peace, make love, make us both happy. So tomorrow will be the first day of our new wonderful life. But unfortunately there is also option number two – tomorrow I will be pushed to get rid of the remnants of hope. There would be no more chances to find her, if that one failed._ " Rachel was right, I would go insane waiting for tomorrow, for that fucking report.

I had to focus on something else, anything, but I was not able to. In my mind there was a mixture of hope, hopelessness, pressure to find something to build my life around, just in case that option two would happen. I went for a walk, haunted by need to figure something out. I had to, I felt so strong pressure. I walked by, passed few avenues, not being able to see anything around me. I stopped at the corner of the streets, because of traffic lights. I was waiting for green one to show up. I so badly needed any hope, any sign. That red light was so annoying, I turned around and my eyes were caught by big green banner over the entrance – it said " _ProHope_ ". " _Hope … hope, pro hope … could it be some sign? Don't be stupid, there is no such a thing like signs._ "But anyway I looked closer, there was information on entrance door.

 _"_ _We are looking for people who want to do something positive with their life. Marketing can be not only about selling but also persuading to change, giving everybody hope for the future."_

I missed green light, there was red again, so I came closer. It was some company called " _ProHope_ ", I hadn't seen it there before. Short and not very specific name, but I came in without thinking why and what for.

\- Good morning, how can I help you? – Man behind desk greeted me with big smile on his face.

\- I read that information about work, could you tell me something more.

\- We are looking for people with energy and motivation to change a world. To create …

He was telling some bullshit and wasting my time (as if I had anything to do at all), but anyway I interrupted him, using one of my most bitchy tone of voice.

\- It's like some empty slogan, don't you think?

\- No, not here.

\- Really?

\- Not, it's not an empty word, we are a part of process that may help rescue our planet and our lives.

\- Some ecological bullshit, I guess. – I was rude, but I couldn't stop myself.

\- Not exactly. – He smiled, what a man, he was so nice, when I was insulting his job and him as a worker of that company, he continued with stoic calm. – We are working for companies which offer ecologic and healthy food, natural living arrangements, renewable energy sources etc. It really can change a world for people who decide to use it, for their environment.

\- Sublime idea. And that work, what do you do exactly? Is there some call center here?

\- It's a first step, making appointments for presentation, calling people with offers. But if you were good enough, you would get your clients and take care only of their needs, look for special offers, individual products, you could even invent some authorized projects. What you get from job here, it is up to you.

\- I see. – I said with disbelief.

\- Do you want to fill in personal questionnaire?

\- I don't think so.

At that moment I noticed that there in the room was not only him but also other person, that was a girl, I realized that, when she spoke up.

\- You should try, I have been here for two years now, and already gain ten regular customers, which allowed me to purchase that smoking cabriolet, which is parked in front of the entrance.

\- I don't like cars without roof, it's not good for my hair. So I go without it.

\- She has a sharp riposte, could be a good seller. – She said that in direction of that man, but came closer to me and put business card in my hand.

\- Think of it, it's really hope for better future. – That man from behind the desk added.

I left without even saying goodbye. They were strange or maybe I was strange. But could it matter anyway?

I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I was just waiting. Finally next day, about 4.30 PM my cell rang out – it was notification of new mail. And there was awaited report. Few thoughts ran around: _"If I should read it alone? Or should I wait for Rachel and Kurt? Read it on screen or print? What if …. – no, no, no there is no option – she is alive and alright and in five minutes I will call her. Don't be a coward Santana, read it!"_

 ** _RAPORT FROM PRIVATE INVESTIGATION_**

 ** _AUTHOR:_** _Matthew Watts_

 ** _RECIPIENT:_** _Santana Lopez_

 ** _THE PERSON SOUGHT:_** _Brittany Susan Pierce_

 ** _RESULTS:_**

 _Last seen_ _: Brittany Pierce was last seen on May, 25_ _th_ _at Lima Bus Station. According to station monitoring system she entered station about 8 PM and left 8.15 PM. Cashier at the station (note the name – confidential) recalled that day and conversation with B. Pierce, she recognized her from a photo provided by the client. Cashier said that B. Pierce was trying to buy ticket to New York, but there was no connections within 6 hours (next planned about 2 AM), so she left. On material from monitoring outside the station she couldn't be noticed. After interview with people living and working around station, it is confirmed that she was there that night about 8 PM, but nobody was able to say in which direction she went after leaving station._

 _Last activity on computer_ _: thanks to mother of B. Pierce, her personal computer could be searched. Last activity was on May, 25_ _th_ _, from Internet browser history: she was looking for connection to New York. Log in and out of her mail box._

 _Last phone activity_ _(due to billing list and data from phone operator): last phone call – May, 25_ _th_ _11.15 PM – 2 minutes phone call to number, which belongs to Rachel Berry, before and after (within 4 hours) 5 unanswered phone calls to number, which belonged to client; last text message – May, 25_ _th_ _11.38 PM, recipient – Mrs. Pierce (mother; contest of text message could be taken as goodbye and announcement of need to disappear). Number inactivated since May, 26_ _th_ _1.58 AM._

 _Research in Lima, New York, Massachusetts_ _–_ _without any result, nobody from her family, friend, co-students has been in contact with her since May, 25_ _th_ _._

 _Research on available records:_

\- _List of missing people – without result, within US_

\- _List of hospitalized people – without result, within US_

\- _List of people arrested – without result, within US_

\- _List of deceased persons – without result, within US_

 _CONCLUSIONS_ _: Brittany Pierce can't be found, but there is no evidence that any kind of crime or accident might be involved, because she personally indicated that she would go away and would contact family members when she would be ready. No grounds to report to the police._

 _CHARGE_ _: 1600 $_

Great 1600 $ for such a bullshit, there was nothing I hadn't known myself before, that fucking private detective didn't give me anything, just took away remnants of hope with his "conclusions".

After few days of crying, I didn't have any more tears. I had to stop. Brittany had made her decision, I had to accept that, she had moved on, somewhere out there, without me. Obviously she didn't need me, so I had to learn to live on my own. Even if she had thought, that I had chosen Dani, it had been so cruel that she had not been able to inform me about her decision face to face, or at least via text message, that she had just disappeared. There was nothing to ponder. No matter how much I loved her, she disappointed me, I had to start a new life without her and desperately needed to learn how not to miss her. I made my last goodbye to her, I ran through memories which in my head merged with melodies … it was like snapshots with musical background … our whole love story …

 _So darling have a heart  
Don't let one mistake keep us apart  
… Turn this house into a home  
… Oh, please be there  
Still in love with me_

/ We were at Glee, my head was on Britt's shoulder, while Kurt was singing that song. I knew, as well as she knew, that we wanted to have "home" together, closure was in every touch we shared, even in such innocent one, like laying down my head on her shoulder. But I was too afraid to admit it, it was long before I was ready, and long after I had started to feel something, but then I was still focused on protecting myself from feelings …

 _Touch a touch a touch me_

 _Oh! Touch-a touch-a touch-a touch me oh,  
I wanna be dirty  
Thrill me, chill me, fulfil me, creature of the night!_

/ She had always been able to make me laugh, encouraged me to pranks. I had to admit that we were always great at having fun together. Running down that hall, dancing with her, making fun – it was easy and felt good. She was amazing, and I knew that if I had her I wouldn't need anybody else to feel happiness. I was so afraid of it, that without her I wouldn't be able to feel anything positive again …

 _Since I've come on home  
Well, my body's been a mess  
… Why don't you come on over_

 _Valerie?_

/ It was a perfection, Brittany made choreography and was dancing like a professional. She was an amazing dancer, best I had ever seen. And at the beginning of the song, when she touched my hair and then butt – oww … all that shivers weren't part of choreography, it wasn't planned but gave me power to sang that song the best way I could.

 _Well, I've been afraid of changin'  
(Cause I've) built my life around you_

/ " _Still I have to accept that I love you. I love you and I don't want to be with Sam or Finn or any of those guys. I just want you. Please say you love me back. Please_." And she said something that drove me furious at that moment, but then I understood, that she gave me time to be ready " _Of course I love you. I do. And I would totally be with you if it weren't for Artie._ "

 _And I wish you all the love in the world,  
But most of all, I wish it from myself.  
… And I love you, I love you, I love you,  
Like never before_

/ I would never forget the way she was looking at me, her face was lightening up, her eyes were fulfilling with joy and she was so beautiful at that moment, when she had finally realized that she would not have to hide her feelings anymore, that I really loved her, that I was ready.

 _See, you better not play me  
Don't come here baby  
… You'll do anything for me  
Who run the world? Girls! Girls! Girls!_

/ I was so proud of her, she was powerful, smart, she could do anything, if she only were able to concentrate on herself a little more, not at me for the whole time. And dancing, I could watch her dancing for hours …

 _She is a stranger  
You and I have history  
Or don't you remember?  
… You've got your head in the clouds  
She made a fool out of you  
… I heard that you settled down  
That you found a girl  
And you're married now  
I heard that your dreams came true  
Guess she gave you things  
I didn't give to you_

/ Singing that verse about being married, was the first time in my whole life when I had realized that I had been dreaming about marrying Brittany. She was the one for me, I was sure that when the right moment would come we could profess endless love to each other. But now when I was recreating that song it got totally different meaning, maybe more similar to original lyrics – she was somewhere out there, and probably somebody else was giving her happiness that I should have given to her before, maybe even she forgot about our history, completely. It was so painful, clarified thought that somebody else might love her more than I could, making her dreams came true.

 _First time ever I saw your face_

 _And the first time ever I lay with you  
I felt your heart so close to mine  
… And the first time ever I saw your face_

/ That look on her face and her smile when for the first time I saw her face, no matter how hard I would try I was sure that I would not be able to erase that picture from my brain. That was the moment in my life which initiated the change, it wasn't a fast process, but that moment was a beginning of it. She was the reason for my change, the reason why I had begun process of learning how to be happy.

 _You don't know how many times  
I've wished that I had told you  
… Cherish the thought Of always having you_

 _Here by my side Oh, baby I..._

/ Since there was no wedding day in our scenario, I had to choose that day as the happiest in our history. Valentine's Day, there were gifts, the playlist she prepared for me, serenading, she was so lovely in that funky dress, dancing in Breadstix, tones of kisses, declarations of love and night of endless love-making. Like a wedding day and night …

 _Don't know why  
I'm surviving every lonely day  
… If I can't have you  
I don't want nobody baby_

/ I saw her face, she was the only one person in the room, who noticed that I was singing not only about her, but also about need to do something spectacular with my life. She had always known me so well, she had been able to read through me. And now that song was too full of different meanings – the emphasis was on " _if I can't have you_ ", cause I was not able to have her anymore, and I didn't want nobody else, and that situation was completely tearing me apart.

 _You are the best thing that's ever been mine  
Do you believe it?  
We're gonna make it now  
And I can see it  
I can see it now_

/ I saw her tears, she was crying because of me, because she felt left behind. Seeing her hurt, hurt by me was the worst view in my life. Indeed she was the best thing that had ever been mine. I couldn't doubt it. But I had to accept that there was no way to going back to what we once had had.

Making that decision and going down the memory lane cost me some more tears. The morning after I woke up on wet pillow, but with strength to implement my resolution.

I ran out of bed in a hurry and without taking time for shower or even brushing teeth, I went to hall looking for something that was at that moment only one thing I could focus on. I found it in pocket of my blouse.

 ** _ProHope – Company which brings hope for the future_**

 ** _Cell phone: …._**

I chose the number immediately. That job, any job was the only one solution for me at that moment, I had to be occupied with something, I needed any hope for new future for myself.

Lyrics used in this chapter

 _Dionne Warwick "A house is not a Home"_

 _Cast of The Rocky Horror Picture Show "Touch a Touch a Touch a Touch Me"_

 _The Zutons "Valerie"_

 _Fleetwood Mac "Landslide"_

 _Fleetwood Mac "Songbird"_

 _Beyoncé "Run the World (Girls)"_

 _Adele "Rumour Has It/Someone Like You"_

 _Roberta Flack "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face"_

 _Madonna/The Association "Cherish/Cherish"_

 _Bee Gees_ _"_ _If I Can't Have You"_

 _Taylor Swift "Mine"_


	12. Chapter 12 - Getting rid of memories

CHAPTER 12 – Getting rid of memories

 ** _New York, mid September 2014_**

After making a call, I started to get myself ready for job interview. I had made bad impression when I had been there for the first time, so I had to try hard to make up for it. They were still looking for employees so I would have a second chance.

 _"_ _Second chance – Brittany wanted to give me the second chance but I screwed it, no, it wouldn't have been a second chance it would have been fifth one, the second one was when I came out or maybe … – stop Santana and focus!"_

I heard a knock on my door.

\- Come in.

\- Good morning San.

\- Good morning Rachel. – I tried hard to avoid saying that with bad emotions or my viciousness.

\- You are running around apartment since early morning, is something wrong?

\- Think Rachel, just try to use your brain sometimes, how could it be not wrong? – She was irritating, it was because of tone of her voice or maybe I was still furious about that what she had said to Britt, anyway I had to fight with it. It was part of my resolution for the future.

\- I know San. It's about report. But lately only one thing you used to do was staying in bed … and today …

\- I'm going for job interview. I have to prepare myself, if you want to help me, sit here and give me advise what is better for that occasion.

\- I call Kurt to help us. – She said enthusiastically.

After three minutes, I started fashion show for two people in the audience – gay fashion specialist and creator of fashion disasters.

\- So what is that job about? It could affect the way you should look like. – Kurt asked, like a professional stylist.

\- I'm really not sure, some kind of marketing.

\- And you applying there, cause … – He paused to let me end the sentence.

\- Cause I need to do something with my life, and they have slogan about giving hope for the future and maybe after all I believe in signs or fate sometimes and that banner with hope in it has caught my attention when I was totally hopeless. Is it ridiculous?

\- No, not really. – He said it as if he was frightened of my anger.

\- It's the best decision from months, Santana. Having job, not being here alone will be cure for your heart. For me it was NYADA and singing, which has helped me go on after Finn's … – Rachel got little upset, but I knew that she was absolutely right.

\- So ladies, stop talking and focus on my professional marketer look. – Three of us, laughed synchronically, for the first time in months.

We chose, unanimously, green tight dress, it had fairy sizable but not overdone décolletage and ended in mid-thigh. Black jacket and black, very high heels, completed the work. Rachel offered to take care of my hair. I let her do that, I liked being brushed. While she was combing my hair, I moved in time …

\- _Britt stay here with me a minute longer, baby please. – I was looking at her like a puppy._

\- _Don't trick me with these eyes! My parents will be there in 2 minutes. – She was collecting things from the floor, panicked a little bit._

\- _And so what? They know about us. – I was not able to move to help her, cause it was impossible for me to stop staring at her naked breast and butt._

\- _San, but it is not a good reason for them to see us naked on the floor in their living room! – She was terrified already, probably because she realized that I was planning to pull her to the floor to repeat our scissoring._

\- _They are not stiff Britt, relax. – I winked at her._

 _At that moment we heard that car was arriving in front of the house, so I gave up and we immediately went upstairs, still naked. I sat on the edge of her bed. I felt her touch on my face and then she started to brush my hair, slowly and gently – I loved that, it gave me sweet trilling. It was our after making-love habit. We had always brushed and hair styled one another after we messed it up during wild sex. I remembered fragrance and delicacy of her hair ..._

I had to groan, cause Rachel asked me if she pulled me by the hair. It woke me up, from these fucking memories, which I had decided to erase.

\- So you are ready and you are impossible to reject. – My both stylists said at the same time.

\- I have one hour left, so I will take a walk.

When I was leaving our apartment, they were whishing me good luck. But at that moment doubt came over me. I was so focused on my look, that I hadn't paid any attention to prepare myself essentially for that interview. So there was big probability of failure. Anyway irrationally I had a good feeling.

I was walking slowly through New York's streets, their office was close to our place. I didn't want to get there too early and had to talk with that boy at desk or worse with that cabrio-girl. The weather was nice, I was dressed for success, I felt eyes on me, both men and women were glancing, it gave me confidence. Admiring looks, there was nothing better for my ego. But always there had been one certain admiring look I had been dying to get, once again I traveled in time …

\- _Santana come on over, we have to be at prom in 30 minutes, did you forget that I lead that party? I can't be the last one to get there._

\- _One minute Britt-Britt, you won't regret that you have to wait._

 _When I walked in the room, in my red dress, I was sure that she didn't regret that waiting. Look on her face was priceless, she bit her lip in such a sexy way, she was amazed with what she had just seen and she was eating me with her eyes. I felt as if I had already won Prom Queen, I was her queen. And unfortunately we were fashionably late, cause I was forced to redo my make-up after she wasn't able to stop herself from showing me how much she was admiring the way I looked that evening._

\- What the hell are you doing Santana? – I asked myself out loud and immediately noticed that people around were looking at me strangely.

I got to their office 15 minutes before the time of my interview. On the entrance, there was still information about work. I didn't know if it was good or bad, how many people had applied already, how many places they offered. Behind the desk I saw the same man as previously.

\- Good morning. – I said with the biggest smile I could provide, I wanted to get him forget about my last time behavior.

\- Hello, you must be Santana Lopez. You have an appointment in 10 minutes.

\- Yes, that's right. I don't like to be late. – Why did I explain that? It was silly, there was no reason to do that.

\- My name is Thomas Carter. – He came out from behind the desk to give me a hand.

\- Nice to meet you, Thomas. – I was so sweet, what almost made me sick.

\- Today, is nice to meet you, too. – He winked, obviously referring to that day I had come there for the first time.

\- Is there a big competition for that job?

\- Moderate, but we are looking for a large group of people.

\- So get ready for Santana Lopez.

Telephone rang and interrupted our conversation. Before he ended it, it was my time, so he showed me direction and I knocked on the door, on which hung a plaque " _Nicole Miller – Senior customer advisor"._

\- Please, come in.

\- Good morning. – Behind big glass desk there was sitting that cabrio-girl, so she had to be that Nicole.

\- Hello, I see that … – She paused to take a look on some paper. – … Mrs. or Miss Lopez has changed her mind and wants to get some cabrio for herself. – She winked and I was not able to resist laugh. She was funny, something in the way she said that was just funny and definitely not offensive.

\- Apparently yes, Mrs. or Miss Miller. – I said that as if I challenged her.

\- So please sit down, and I'm Nicole, Nikki for friends. I was only playing with that Miss/Mrs. Lopez thing.

I took a sit, and was waiting for interview to get started. I wasn't nervous. She didn't seem like a menacing employer.

\- Santana, let's start with the reason for your coming back here. Why are you here?

\- Honestly?

\- What a question, I must loyally warn you that I can sense a lie from afar.

\- So now it's a challenge, and I have to warn you that I love challenges.

\- That's great but now please just get to the point.

\- Right, so I just need a job, that's the whole true. I'm not desperate for money, but I just need something to focus on, to forget about something else. It's the whole true. And your slogan about hope for the future it has just caught me. I know that may sound …

\- … silly and unprofessional? – Still her voice was nice and there was nothing of ridicule or taunt.

\- Maybe, but you want me to be honest.

\- And don't you know that honesty is the last thing that good seller should be characterized by? – I noticed that at that moment she sounded little contrariwise but still without any bad vibes.

\- So it was a challenge itself?

\- Maybe. But at the same time looking for hope could be great motivation to become good seller. So now you get 5 questions, and 1 minute for every answer, if I liked it, you would be in, ok?

\- I'm ready.

\- Your biggest professional dream?

\- I want to do something good for people, to make a change, you know, all that ecological stuff … – I didn't know what to say more in that subject and my eyes were begging for next question, hoping for easier one.

\- How can you see yourself in five years?

\- Nice apartment in New York, with view of Manhattan, some cabrio in the garage of course. – I winked at that moment. – Once a year holidays in Europe or on some islands … – I definitely did not use the whole minute for my answer.

\- I asked about your career, but anyway now the next one. If you could change one thing in our environment, what would it be?

\- …

I was sure that all of that five shots I gave her, was total bullshit. But I had not been able to make up anything better. My first answer was true and that was only reason I was there. But surprisingly she greeted me on the board. So at that moment I was sure – it had to be advantage of that dress … and fact that Nicole was a lesbian, I had suspected that from beginning, from the way she was dressed and some specific looks on her face, but when she said that I got the job, I was sure – she liked me and not my answers. But it didn't matter at all, I didn't care about reasons. I had a job, I had a chance to focus on something else than memories of my past with Britt. She gave me hope and later I would have enough time to make it clear that I couldn't be interested in her and she was not my type at all.

\- So I see you here on Monday, and we will start one week training.

\- Great, thank you.

\- And I expect that on Monday I will meet that girl with sharp riposte, who visited us earlier, not that nice talking girl from today interview. Do I express myself clear?

\- Yes, of course, boss. – I smiled, said goodbye and walked out.

I was glad. It came out the way I had hoped for, I got a job, a chance, I would get something to think of, to focus on, to care about. And maybe it would become into something I would want to do in my life. If it became important to me, if I became good at that, maybe it would be that future I was looking for. Maybe Britt could be proud of me …

\- _What the hell were you thinking when you decided to publish that tape, Britt?_

\- _I …_

\- _Don't look at me like an innocent child, it won't work that time! No me gusta … You can't even imagine how embarrassed I felt when they …_

\- _I know that Santana, don't forget that this movie has two stars in it … maybe even three, counting Lord …_

\- _Yee, but you did it, so maybe you enjoy all that looks, laughs, dirty talks from strangers?_

\- _Not really baby, only your dirty talks work for me._

\- _So why?_

\- _I already has told you, I did it cause you wanted to be famous._

\- _It's a bullshit Britt._

\- _Being famous without a good reason it's a bullshit, don't you think?_

\- _Hmm?_

\- _You should want to do something, the best way you can, and then if you were lucky enough you would be famous because of what you did. And what you really want to do San? You have never told me that._

\- _…_ _I have never told you that cause I didn't know Britt and still I don't know. But … I know that I want to be with you, you are a genius. Thank you, I love you so much._

\- _I love you too, and if you want me I'll help you to find out what's good for you._

It was true she had known me like nobody else, she had been able to show me when I had been doing something wrong, when I had not been right. Sometimes she used to put on her own mask, the one with silly jokes and funny faces, but deep inside she was so smart and sensitive. And I was so crazy missing her. But maybe sometime in the future … no, no, no I didn't want to think that way – I had to stop.

I was walking back to the apartment drown in my memories and thoughts, when I saw her in the crowd. I was shocked and wearing high heels, but it didn't deter me from running fast between New Yorkers, to get to her as soon as possible.

\- Brittany, baby … – I screamed, when I reached her and pulled her firmly by the arm.

\- What the fuck are you doing? – Some stranger looked at me with disgust.

\- I'm sorry, I mistook you with somebody.

I ran away in the opposite direction. She didn't look like Britt at all. She was just slim blonde, like thousands girls in New York. I was such a fool, I was pathetic, I was an idiot. I had to stop it.


	13. Chapter 13 - A new reality and quite old

CHAPTER 13 – A new reality and quite old problems

 ** _New York, beginning of October 2014_**

 ** _Day number one, Monday_**

I woke up at 5 AM. It was totally unlike me, but it was the first day of my new life, I meant new job. Actually it wasn't a job yet, but a training. One way or another I had to prepare myself, if didn't want to regret missing another opportunity. Things that I was about that night wasn't helpful at all. That wet dream about Britt and me in shower haunted me three times at that night, every time I woke up excited and wet but ended up devastated when I felt that I was alone in bed.

At 5.10 AM I restarted laptop and uploaded site about ProHope. I had been reading about company during the weekend, but I wanted to know about them as much as possible, not to make a fool of me, like I had done during the interview. I didn't want to be a sexual object for Nicole, I wanted to become a good marketer. Of course not for her, but just for myself.

7.00 AM – Rachel knocked on my door, to wake me up.

\- Santana, Kurt has just made pancakes for us. Come to the kitchen.

\- I'm coming.

…

\- Kurt you are an angel. – I said, which shocked me probably more than it surprised him.

8.30 AM – Kurt and Rachel departed for classes. I went out for work. I was excited. I couldn't wait to start. I couldn't wait to stop dreaming about past or future projection based on the past, I so badly wanted to start my own, independent future.

9.00 AM – Nicole welcomed our group on the first day of training, she said few sentences about company, its history, mission, goals. She gave us plan for whole week. With me there were 10 people in group. I was watching them carefully. Apart from me there were three woman and six man. Most of them certainly older than me, probably after graduation of some university or college. But definitely none of them looked as hot as me … When I was thinking about it, I heard Britt's voice in my mind: _"I'm mad at you, but you are still so hot"_. I shook my head to chase away that memory.

\- Santana, do you disagree with that statement? – Nicole's voice successfully brought me back to reality.

\- What statement?

\- The one I have just made!

I saw that she was getting angry at me, but I wondered if she could let me get away with anything because of my hotness. It was stupid and too confident, but I had to try.

\- I'm sorry if I interrupted you, but I shook my head with admiration for what you said.

She didn't buy that lie. One to zero for her. But also didn't say anything unkind to me. There is 1-1.

1.00 PM – After lunch break we watched movie and read some brochures about organic food. It was quite interesting and feasible for use in private life. I thought about possibilities to improve my condition and lost few kilos thanks to grains and legumes. I was sure that I would be able to sell it to everybody, it seemed easy. According to the brochures that food had only advantages and the prices weren't extortionate.

7.15 PM – I was on my way back to apartment. It started to rain. I tried to hurry, but didn't have enough strength after whole day at ProHope. That rain was quite pleasant and moved me back in the timeline …

 _Holidays, after our Sophomore year. The weather was wonderful, so hot, we couldn't stand staying at home, so we went on a picnic. I prepared some meals, cause Britt wasn't good at cooking, but she took care of drinks and blanket. It was nice afternoon, we were talking about plans for next year, our dreams for the future – she was excited about dancing, I was talking about great undefined career. And suddenly she asked me seemingly simple question._

\- _San, do you think whether in our future will be a place for us?_

\- _Of course, you will always be my best friend, I can't imagine all important events without you, my wedding without you as my first bridesmaid, having children without you being their godmother …_

 _I said it without hesitation, but when I looked at her, I saw that it wasn't the answer she was waiting for, it wasn't the answer for her question at all. And at that moment summer rain began to fall, I couldn't fail to notice that the rain was rolling down her face together with tears. It was the first time I had seen her crying, first time I had made her cry. And I promised myself that it would be the last one. But I failed to keep that promise, so many times._

If only I could turn back time or if she asked me again, I would give totally different answer for that question ...

 ** _Day number two, Tuesday_**

Yesterday I had gone to bed at 11 PM, I had been tired after whole day of learning about organic products and maybe even more tired because of that walk in the rain, which had given me dizzy feeling, because I had frozen in wet clothes and had waited until it dried on me. Most of that night I had been sleeping well, excluding few short breaks. Just before morning I had dreamed about her again.

 _She was sitting on the bench in some park, I didn't know that place and because of it I was nervously looking around. She was dressed in long black gown, it was very elegant one, she was ready for some big event, I thought. Anyway it totally didn't fit her and that bothered me. When I came closer I saw that she looked younger, as if she was 13 maybe 14 years old. She turned to me with strange words._

\- _Mummy we should go. It's time._

 _I was staring at that girl, she was younger version of Brittany. I was shocked to hear that she called me "mummy". She had to notice that something was bothering me, cause she looked at me confused._

\- _Don't you wanna go with me?_

\- _But where and why?_

\- _To say goodbye ..._

 _She took my hand and pulled me through the park. At the end of avenue of trees, there was a big group of people, all of them in black. They were talking loudly but I couldn't understand any word of these conversations. Most of them were strangers, but in that crowd I recognized Kurt, Mike and Rachel._

\- _What is going on there? – I asked that Brittany-alike-girl, but she was no longer there._

 _I was going through the crowd to reach Kurt and then I saw that everybody were standing around grave, I looked closer and read:_

 _Brittany S. Pierce – beloved mother, daughter and wife 1994-2030_

I woke up screaming _"Noooo"._ In a minute, Rachel stormed into my bedroom.

\- What's wrong San? You will wake up everybody in the building with that crazy screaming.

\- She was dead, Britt was ... – I was crying hysterically.

Rachel came to me and hugged me.

\- It was only a bad dream. Please stop crying.

I reached office at 9.00 AM. At entrance I ran at Nicole.

\- Hello Santana, how do you like it after first day?

\- Hi. It was ok. – I said shortly, without any excitement. After morning crying session I was out of any emotions, good or bad.

\- It's not persuading. You should learn how to ...

\- I could be the most persuading person in the whole word, if I want to. – I was pissed off without good reason. Definitely lately that was something I had been doing best.

\- Really? So you better start wanting to do it if you wish to stay here after that week.

I heard in her voice that probably she had just stopped buying everything I was selling her.

\- I'm sorry Nikki, I just haven't slept well ...

\- For you I'm Nicole, we are not friends. And if you want to work here your bad moods should stay at home, understand?

I was getting furious and was about to say _"Fuck you, that job sucks"_ but I didn't want to be pathetic person, who couldn't focus on any job and just stay in bed for whole time, so I just apologized one more time and went into training room.

We spent eight hours with some Rob Marshall, who was telling us about ecological energy systems. It was harder, cause we had to learn how to count savings of energy along with cost of implementation of the system, but it was very addictive, so during whole day I wasn't thinking about that certain person, not even once. It was so good. It was achievement.

When I was leaving the office, few minutes after 5 PM, I got a call from Rachel.

\- How was it today? – She asked about it in such way, that I knew that she was aiming for something more than knowing about my wellbeing.

\- Quite well, maybe even I'm starting to like it.

\- Hmmm, I'm calling cause I have some offer for you, you will love it not just like it.

\- What's again? Some other detective, who earns fortune for nothing?

\- No, it's totally different case. It's an issue of art. If you come here in 30 minutes, you could become a part of our drama. It's not a big part but it could be something like Glee. It could really help you recover from …

\- You said that it's something like Glee, you will have all solos and others will get small parts of background vocals, it's obvious that I will love it! – I laughed sarcastically.

\- It's not exactly what I meant.

\- Not exactly, so what is it exactly prima donna?

\- We lost our friend, she has been removed from NAYDA today. It was strange. Anyway, are you in? It's twice a week, Tuesday and Thursday 5.30-7.30 PM. San? It will be great, trust me.

\- Ok ... I'm coming.

More things to distract me from Britt, that better. Even if I would have to deal with Rachel's and Kurt's aspirations to become next Barbra Streisand.

When we got back to apartment at 8.30 PM I was exhausted, but it felt so good. I slept easily through the whole night.

 ** _Day number three, Wednesday_**

Still little things could turn into the reason for catastrophe. Kurt must have forgotten that Lucky Charms were Britt's favorites. Later when I thought about it I realized that it was possible that he might haven't known that in the first place. Anyway, when I saw that box of cornflakes at kitchen's table I exploded.

\- Why is it here? – I screamed at him.

\- What? – Kurt looked at me with pleading in his eyes. Both my roommates probably were so tired of my moods, as well or maybe even more than me.

\- These fucking cornflakes!

\- But what's wrong with them?

I got silent, reason for my anger was so stupid that I couldn't say it out loud.

\- What Santana? You don't like it? I bought different kinds so you can choose whatever you want.

I was still remaining quiet. But suddenly felt that tears started to running down my face. Kurt rushed to hug me.

\- I'm so s ... – I tried to say something but words were stuck in my throat.

\- Santana, you don't have to apologize. Maybe I don't understand that cornflakes' explosion, but I understand how it hurts when you lost somebody you love so much. But you are so strong and you will go through this. With your friends, helping you.

\- Thank you. I don't deserve all that kindness you give me.

\- Don't be ridiculous. You would do the same for us.

\- I'm not sure, indeed …

We both knew that was probably true, so we just stayed there in silence.

Second day with Rob M. was even more interesting than previous one. Our group became smaller, one person had resigned. On lunch break Nicole gave us information that on Friday there would be a test and only five of us would get contracts for employment. I wanted to talk to her, to get some extra points for Friday. It was highly possible cause I had my highest heels and shortest dress that day, but unfortunately she was too busy. So last part of lunch break I spent on counting energy safe for solar system Alfa. It wasn't something I used to be good at, or even used to like at school, but I discovered that counting could be very catching. Additionally during that three days I had learned that in ProHope you could work as much as you want – from 3 to 12 hours a day, you could choose your clients individually and all of your effects depended only on you. For me it was good option, it could help me in staying focused and rejecting unwelcomed thoughts, cause when I would finish one thing, I would be able to work on next client, there were so many possibilities, it was a growing market, there were so many potential clients we could earn. I knew that it could be super motivating for me, it was exactly what I needed. I was sure that I wanted and needed that job, so I would have to pass that test on Friday.

 ** _Day number four, Thursday_**

Being focused on tasks and things to achieve helped me so much. Last evening I had been preparing myself for test till I had gotten asleep, on uncertain time after midnight. Even shorter time of sleep, but without dreams about past, could give me much more relaxation. I woke up regenerated and refreshed.

We spent whole day in training room with our laptops, practicing on making presentations, completing offers, making a cost estimates. I was proud of myself because I felt that I could be great at that and forget about Britt once and for all.

On lunch break, I knocked on door to Nicole's office.

\- Hello, may I come in?

\- Yes, what's going on? – She wasn't looking at me, focused on her laptop's screen.

\- I come to say that I was horrible, earlier that week and I want to apologize for that.

\- Ok, I have already forgotten about it, I have a lot of things going on here right now.

\- That's great, so friends? Nikki? – I said teasingly.

\- No, not yet Santana. Don't you think that being friends it is not something you decide to become but a result of some process of becoming closer? Hmm?

\- Maybe you are right Nicole.

\- I'm sure that I'm right.

I was so smug that morning, but conversation with Nicole upset me. She was right, but it gave me food for thinking. _"If I could ever become close with anyone except Brittany? Living here in New York with Rachel and Kurt, being roommates, doesn't mean that we are close. We talk about lot of things, but really seldom it concerns something important, something about our deep thoughts or feelings. Lately I have been sharing with them my despair, but it wasn't planned or intentional, I was just not able to hide my sorrow, even from strangers on the streets. If I will ever be able to build a relationship based on friendship rather than physical proximity? With Britt it was a perfect combination of these two areas. Being a couple has not destroyed our friendship, before May of course, and on the other hand being friends made our relation as lovers much more complete."_

I was pulled out from my reverie by Nicole.

\- Why are you still there? Everybody has left already.

I didn't notice that I was sitting in empty training room, I looked on my cell, it was 5.25 PM, so I was sitting there alone for at least 25 minutes.

\- I'm … I am just … I'm leaving now, I'm late for rehearsal. – I realized that suddenly.

\- Rehearsal?

\- Yes, I'm late, I have to go.

I stormed out from the room leaving her surprised.

Whole evening was busy as well, we were working on the first act. Rachel was like big diva, she had been set to play Velma Kelly, Kurt was the second prima donna – he should play Roxie Hart, but to be politically correct he had gotten a role of Billy Flynn. And me – I would have few lines as Mary Sunshine, and what was a funny coincidence I would become a man in the end. Even if I didn't like " _Chicago_ " that much, it reminded me of singing. I had not been singing for quite time, so it was refreshing feeling to sing again. I was still a good singer. _"It would be a perfect combination, if I could combine daytime work, which would give me possibilities to develop and earn money with evenings in which I could sing as a hobby, passion. That life would be perfect, of course if I could forget about one important detail, so unforgettable ..."_

 ** _Day number five, Friday_**

\- _Why do you have to be such an asshole, Santana Lopez?_

\- _I'm not. I was the one, who saw it first, it's mine. – I was getting more and more determine to win that little battle._

\- _But this is the only one that suits me and you look gorgeous in every other one._

\- _No, it's out of discussion. Britt, it's mine._

\- _But you used to say that I was the best thing that ever was yours, so you should give up that dress to me, I'm tired of all that searching for perfect dress, perfect place, perfect flowers, meals … I have found perfect girl and I don't need any other perfection. I want to focus more on feelings and less on planning details …_

\- _It's not fair. It is our wedding day and I want to be beautiful. For you._

\- _For me or for your own ego? Or maybe for your need of admiration? Don't forget that I know you so well, babe._

\- _That's not true … if you really so badly want it …_

\- _No, only one thing I badly want is you. And I can marry you in some old blouse and it won't change anything and still it will be the most wonderful day in my life._

\- _Really? So I can keep it?_

\- _Yes, if it's so important …_

I woke up at 6 AM. Without screams or tears, just with some sadness. _"Santana, are you really so selfish, shallow creature? Maybe sometimes, but noo … I'm not …"_

I passed the test with second result in the group. I was glad. Nicole congratulated me. We went together with other new employees of ProHope to bar to get some beer. I hoped that I was on right track to recovery.

That week had been full of different activities, learning, counting, singing, dancing, some crazy mixture, but still in the meantime I had been left with memories and visions of Britt. But I hoped for better future, I really counted on it.


	14. Chapter 14 - Ghosts from the past and st

**CHAPTER 14 – Ghosts from the past and steps into future**

 ** _Camp Hill, Pennsylvania, mid October 2014_**

\- Doc, I think that she used to be an athlete or a dancer.

\- Why, Danny?

\- Her muscles are so strong and shaped.

\- That's good, I think.

\- Yes, she will be able to run in marathon, if she only wakes up.

\- Not if, but when, ok?

\- Yes, you are right. And when she wakes up, she will be able to do such things with her hot body … – He said dreamily.

\- Come on, Danny … you are horrible.

\- I'm just a man. And she is such a sexy bitch.

\- Stop it!

\- Ok, ok doc, why do you have to be so serious? Hmm?

\- I'm not serious, but remember that she is our patient.

\- Ok, I will behave myself.

When he ended, I was left with her alone. I had a lot of time, cause I was not working that day and I had visited cemetery in the morning. I was all hers. And she was all mine. I looked at her face, indeed she was such a beauty, I was dying to see all of her face – with eyes, then she would be breathtaking.

I turned on iPod and chose track, which perfectly matched for that afternoon.

 _…_ _Night is young and the music's high  
With a bit of rock music, everything is fine  
You're in the mood for a dance  
And when you get the chance...  
You are the Dancing Queen, young and sweet, only seventeen …_

\- You may be seventeen and you may be dancing queen, as Danny said. You look so young. But why nobody is looking for you? Could you explain it to me? Why Alice?

Today in the morning doctor Balder had received police report, which concluded that she was not listen on any missing people database. It was strange. I was feeling bad for her, but at the same time I felt relieved. I didn't know why.

\- Danny was right. You have an amazing body, I haven't looked at you that way before, I have always looked at you as a doctor, searching for scars or awaiting some changes, some moves. But after he mentioned that, now I can see that you indeed have shaped body. Like a sculpture. You only have to wake up and put some live into that perfect form and maybe start dancing … alone, cause I'm a terrible dancer.

I sat down on the chair, next to her bed and opened book on the page on which I had paused yesterday. It was _"Crime and Punishment"_ by Dostoevsky. Not easy lecture, but very addictive. I had found it few days ago in former Max's office and had not been able to resist it. The title was … it was just interesting and striking. I started today from page 56th and paused when I reached to 99th.

\- I think it's enough for today. Do you like it Alice? I hope that is not too brutal for you.

I was looking at her very carefully, as if I was waiting for an answer, and suddenly I noticed something – it was like a little eyelid twitch. After that discovery I was staring at her for one and half hour, but nothing else happened.

\- You tricked me Alice, just to get more attention and be sure that I check every inch of your body. You are shifty. I'm going now. Sweet dreams … and I'm not saying that sarcastically.

I walked out. I had mixed feelings, something between hope and disappointment, between delight and shame, maybe some excitement and impatience.

Thinking about her body and comparing it to mine, not that I was fat or something, but I had just fallen out of shape, I decided that finally I had to prepare some meal for myself and stop ordering fast foods or pizza. I drove to supermarket. I was running between rows of shelves, searching for pasta, spices … and then suddenly I stood rooted to the spot, not believing my own eyes. _"No, it can't be true, it must be some strange hallucination. It can't be …"_ – but I wasn't able to end that sentence in my mind, cause she was already standing in front of my saying _"Hi"_ , definitely more times than one.

\- Hello Susan, is that you? Cause you apparently has not recognized me or …

\- I did recognize you of course, but I'm just tired, after long hours in hospit … – I paused, because I noticed that she wasn't standing in front of me alone, she was standing with some tall brunette, well dressed, pretty, feminine and they were holding hands, not in a "just-friends" way.

\- I can imagine Sue. But anyway it is so nice to meet you after, how long is it, three? No almost four years now?

\- Four, I guess. It's really nice, for me too. – I said without any emotions. I worked very hard to make it look that way.

\- I'm sorry. I didn't introduce you to my girlfriend. Susan it's Angela Cassidy, Angela, it's Susan Willsburn, she was …

I interrupted her with amazing reflexes.

\- I was wife of Lana's coworker. She was working with my husband as a layer, it was long ago. – I was so determined to do or say anything just to stopped her from finishing that sentence with word such as lover, girlfriend, mistress …

\- Susan, Angela knows about you, about our relationship, I couldn't and didn't want to hide my past from her, so you don't have to pretend.

\- I'm not pretending. I just … no matter. I have to go … go back to hospital.

\- But didn't you say that you were tired after not before work?

\- After or before, does it really matter? Lana, does anything matter, after all?

\- How could we live if nothing really matters?

\- I try and it's possible.

\- Anyway, it was nice to see you. To know that you are … better now? – She asked about that with compassion and hope in her eyes and maybe, just maybe with a little sparkle of … love?

\- Yes, I'm better. Much better. Because of work, it's the whole world to me and every day I thank God for letting me be a surgeon. – What a bullshit I was saying, she probably had not forgotten that I was an atheist, who had never mentioned word God.

\- You are the best surgeon. The best doctor, I have ever met.

She smiled at me like … like she used to do years ago. I felt little shiver inside me, I had been missing her and her smile all the time, I had not realized that before but at that moment it hit me. But of course I couldn't and also didn't want to act on that feeling.

\- It's so good to see you too, Lana. To see you happy and … you know.

\- I know.

There was nothing more to say. We shared not so long, but very intense glance. It was a goodbye, the one that we had not been able to go through after accident.

That meeting between shelves with groceries was like sun after storm. Sometimes, even lately I had dreamed about her, recalling memories about our past. But every time it had happened it ended with comeback of my quilt. But that meeting, even if I acted as a panicked maniac, it gave me relief. I saw her, she was as gorgeous as ever, she was happy, she had new life, I realized that I had been missing her, but it felt good to say goodbye. It was like the final closing of that chapter of my life. And guilt didn't show up. I felt good about it.

Nothing came of my cooking, I was left with tomato salad and bread sticks. I accompanied that extraordinary meal with some wine and music in background.

 _…_ _You are the Dancing Queen, young and sweet, only seventeen …_

I was hit by the vision of Alice and it brought smile on my face. I really had to be tired, cause I fell asleep on the couch and fell into some dream.

\- _Lana, baby where are you? – I was running through hospital, looking for her. I was terrified, something bad must have happened._

\- _I'm here, please come closer. – She was sitting on the floor in empty treatment room._

\- _What's wrong? – I asked carefully, taking her hand to measure the pulse._

\- _Now you are only a doctor, nothing more, so all I can ask for is measuring of pulse, maybe temperature?_

\- _What are you talking about? Lana why?_

\- _I see that in your eyes, I see that I'm no longer your baby …_

\- _You are, you are my first …_

\- _But evidently not last one?_

 _I was confused, I didn't know what she was talking about._

\- _But I will be your last one, doc. – I didn't know that voice, but suddenly I saw that in the corner of the room, there was Alice coming out from the shadow. Now with eyes opened her face was stunning. She hypnotized me._

 _She came to me, looked at me so intense and took my hand. She guided me into dancing. With my head on her shoulder, I felt fast beating of her heart. We were moving in rhythm of some slowly version of Dancing Queen._

\- _Will you be my queen, Sue?_

\- _First you have to explain me how did it happen? – Lana came between us._

\- _Nothing happened._

\- _Not yet, but I know that you want it … – Alice said that just before she kissed me gently._

I woke up. I hoped that dream was just last part of my goodbye with the past, but totally would have nothing to do with my future. I was sure that was caused by the fact, that lately I had been spending my whole time with her. I was so focused on her, that it was natural that I dreamt about her. It shouldn't bother me.

Next morning I woke up with one thing on my mind. I decided that I had to focus more on my own life. And first step to do that (yesterday it had been cooking, but I had failed), so now I wanted to go back to jogging. I used to exercise a lot, before accident, when I had been Max's wife, every possibility to go outside home at evenings, had been worth to take it. Before I had given birth to Lizzie, evenings at home had been like nightmares. Max had been doing his best to satisfy me, there had been dinners by candlelight, baths in the foam, romantic music, flowers, gifts, reading poetry … everything that other wife would have been thankful for. But I always had not been in the mood or had had a headache. Pushing him away had been hurtful, I had been feeling guilty, but on the other hand, I had been able to stand short sex with men, but it had been too much for me to enjoy, gentle, sensual love making with him. And definitely I hadn't been able to give him all that he had wanted and deserved. So I had been running away from him, but he had not gotten that signal and he had been pushing me, trying to seduce over and over again. Sometimes I had had to go along with that not to arouse suspicions, and after one of these not so pleasant nights, I had been pregnant. He had given me something that secretly I had been dreaming about, but had been too afraid to even realize that. Something I couldn't share with any woman.

From that morning I came back to jogging, I thought that at that moment it wasn't because of need to run away from somebody, but maybe I was wrong. Maybe it was the same script, different cast – and the main difference was that I wasn't running away from his desire but from my own. I didn't want to think about it. I put the headphones into my ears to dispel thoughts. Five miles for the first time after so long break was really good result, and was perfect to avoid muscle pain.

After I came back and took a shower, it was time to departure for work. As soon as I walked in and changed my clothes, Lindsay hurried into my office with report about patients. I could easily notice that she was nervous about something, but she didn't tell anything, just put papers on my desk and started waiting.

\- Linds, you don't have to stay here until I read all of this, I will bring you recommendations to reception, I see that you are in a hurry.

\- No, no … I have to stay here, cause I have to talk to you.

\- Something's wrong?

\- First, read papers, then I will tell, cause I will need all of your attention for that case.

\- Hmm … Intriguing … Case? Medical case?

\- I will tell you, but first work.

\- So it's not about work?

\- No. All your attention, ok.

\- Ok, so first of all today I have planned surgery on Mrs. MacRony, it will be about 2 PM, so I will need report on her from 1.30 PM, and meeting with anesthesiologist at 1.45 PM, ok?

\- Noted.

\- There is one patient, hospitalized at night, in 30 minutes I need actual report from his morphology.

\- Noted, Sue.

\- That's all, and now I'm listening. After you tell me about your case, I will repeat once more what I need from you, I see that you are so focused on something that …

\- It's a matter of health.

\- I'm starting to worry Linds.

\- It's a heart issue.

\- I'm not a cardiologist. But I know great one.

\- No, no. Not that kind of heart issue, but everything I tell you, it stays here as medical secrecy, ok?

\- As long as you don't kill anybody, it's secret.

\- It's more like emotional-heart issue …

\- I'm even less prepared as psychologist than as a cardiologist, but it's top-secret. You know me, I'm not type of gossip girl.

\- That's one of the reasons, why I come to you.

\- So, what's up?

\- Ooooo … It's hard. You know that after my divorce I was devastated. Maybe even more because the fact, which I realized, that my marriage was so far away from being good, not mentioning perfection. It was nothing like you and Max, I still remember like he used to come here with flowers or with picking basket for lunch, he wa …

\- Stop it! If you want to talk about Max, even if you gonna tell me that you two had an affair or you were secretly in love with him, I'm not interested. I don't want to talk about my past.

\- Oh my God. Susan. No! It's nothing like that. He was totally in love only with you, and I would never … – She noticed my facial expression and stopped immediately. – I'm sorry Sue, I just want to give you some introduction, I mean that I don't know how to tell, it's not so simple. So I will start once again. I mean that not every woman is happily enough to get perfect husband. And I definitely was wife of some asshole, and after divorce I realized that I have wasted too much time with him.

\- I understand that. I saw your pain, even if I was deep inside in my own grief, I was able to notice people around me.

\- So, it was hard time for me, I wanted to make up for lost years with dating too many men in too short time, and every one of them became another disappointment. Anyway to keep it shorter I will skip details. Details about these disappointments are not important at all.

\- That's good. We have work to do. – I said that seriously but at the end smiled at her to show that I was ready to continue listening to her story.

\- Anyway, last Friday I was in cinema, alone, cause I decided to focus more on myself.

I smiled again when she said that. It was good that I wasn't alone in my plans and resolutions.

\- What? – She asked.

\- I'm just … listening, continue.

\- So I was in a longue, after movie, drinking some Vodka, and suddenly somebody sat next to me. We started talking, it was quite nice, interesting talk, we were on the same wavelength, you know, time passed quickly, one drink after another and out of nowhere we were in bed, making love if I could call it that way.

\- You said that was health issue. Did you use a protection?

\- No, I mean …

\- No? – I was shocked as a doctor and her friend. It was so irresponsible.

\- I mean, I didn't know how to use any protection cause it was … she was … a woman.

After so many years of hiding my sexual preferences I had learned how to react to mentioning about any subject connected with homosexuals. Without nervousness, fear, enthusiasm, disgust, just neutral, as if that topic was totally out of my interests.

\- So Lindsay, are you afraid because of lack of protection?

\- No, not really …

\- So?

\- I haven't thought about protection issue before, until you mentioned it. Anyway, I'm more concerned because I don't know what could it mean.

\- That night? You were drunk, yes? So it doesn't mean you are a lesbian or bisexual.

\- But I wasn't drunk enough not to remember all what happened and … I have to admit that with her I had one of the best sexes in my whole life, and adding that pleasant, interesting conversation in foyer to this … I'm fucking scared.

\- Because? – I asked her but I knew the answer, which I said to myself: _"I'm an asshole, I have been afraid of my preferences since forever and I'm asking her why, it's hypocrisy. Fear about luck of acceptance, banishment, being a part of minority …there is a long list of reasons to hide …"_

\- Susan, I'm just scared that when I call her she will say something like, it was one night stand, just experiment, I'm not interested.

\- So you mean that you want to … – I was shocked. I was sure that she was rather afraid of being caught, or being a subject for gossips. Like I used to. She definitely surprised me.

\- No, I mean … I don't know what I want, maybe I want to try but I don't want to get in troubles. And that's why I was so dying to talk to you. I need advice, do you think professionally, I mean as a doctor you know people's body, reactions, so do you think that after so many years with men, is it possible to be truly attracted to a woman or is it just a pathetic way to overreact to all disappointments?

\- I can't help you. Cause I don't know that answer.

\- Telling that aloud has helped already, to sort my thoughts.

\- That's good. Anyway it's not a medical issue. Maybe everything is possible. I don't know. I think that you should listen to your heart and your body. Maybe Meet her, try to spend some time, not rush into something, just take time to realize what you want, what will be good for you.

\- Susan.

\- Yes?

\- You helped me. I needed to hear exactly what you said.

\- I just … try to tell you what I think about it. – It wasn't exactly true, definitely it was far away from truth. Maybe it was something I would want to think and do but had always been too afraid – to listen to my heart and body.

\- I wish we talk that way more often, like we used to do before your lose. But I understand that you need your privacy after so big catastrophe.

\- It's not a need of privacy, it's just a desire to go away from all these questions about my past, my lose, to run away from whispers about feeling sorry for me.

\- So from now I will stop it. I will never mention anything about your past. And we will get our lady-talks on. I mean don't worry I'm not …

\- I'm really not worried about it Lindsay, even if you realize that you are attracted to women, I will be happy to get you back as my friend.

It was true. The prospect of returning to our friendship pleased me. We used to talk a lot (it hadn't been heart-to heart talks, even if she had thought that way, but still we could share some kind of closeness), we go outside a lot, to cinema or lunch, for shopping, jogging. I liked her, it would be step number two in my way to focus more on my own life. It could be good. But her becoming a lesbian might interfere with that, so I hoped that she would realize that it was only an experiment.

After surgery was completed, I came back to my office. Still thinking about Lindsay. I was considering if I had given her bad advice. Maybe she shouldn't listen to her heart and body, but to her mind, like I had always done. Or maybe I should listen to my own advice. From my thoughts I was pulled out by Lindsay, in her own person.

\- You have to come there quickly, Danny just …

\- What? – When I heard his name, I got frightened, cause it could be something connected with Alice, maybe something was wrong with her.

\- That girl …

\- Tell it now!

\- She has moved a li …

I didn't let her finished that sentence. I stormed out of my office and hurried up to Alice's room.

\- Danny what happened?

\- Don't be so excited, doc. I told Linds not to exaggerate. It was just a little move.

\- What kind of?

\- When I was moving her legs, she spread her toes in left foot.

\- When was it, exactly?

\- Five minutes ago.

I printed her reports and studied it carefully. But brain response's analysis showed nothing.

\- Fuck! I should be there.

\- You couldn't spend there all your time. And so you are here for many hours every day.

\- But I was after surgery, I could come here, but I went to my office …

\- Don't be silly doc, even if you had been there, it wouldn't have changed anything, as long as brain analysis said nothing.

\- Maybe, but …

\- There is no but.

He hugged me. And it calmed me down. But I was disappointed that I had not been able to be a witness of her first move. I knew that was silly.

What a week – meeting with Lana, Lindsay's confession and now Alice – her first sign of life and … hope. That week was a point in which my past and future met. I said goodbye to part of my past personalized in Lana, I welcomed back part of my previous life as a Lindsay's friend and hoped that in future it could be as good as it used to be, and most of all, according to the future, I hoped for some undefined new relationship with … Alice, she had done some moves, so meeting her in reality was coming closer.

Lyrics used in this chapter

 _ABBA "Dancing Queen"_


	15. Chapter 15 - Calm before the storm

CHAPTER 15 – Calm before the storm

 ** _New York, December 2014 – few days before Christmas_**

I sat on the couch in our apartment, more tired than after exhausting practice ordered by Sue Sylvester one week before Nationals. But at the same time I was overjoyed and proud of myself. Today I had signed my first agency agreement with client. And what made it even better, that client had been all mine from the beginning. I had found him, made appointments, presentations, had gone to him six times for negotiations and finally today made a deal. It was a private investor, who had few swimming pools in New Jersey and New York. And I, Santana Lopez, novice seller made him decide that he wanted to start renovations, which would include innovations in heating system. He would implement huge solar system in his pools. It could be a huge business and all of it was because of some fucking strange coincidence, which had happened about 2 month earlier.

 ** _New York, end of October 2014_**

I was tired after long day at work, standing hopelessly in front of doors of our apartment. My keys were impossible to find. I had to lose them or leave them inside. Rachel was in Lima for her dads' anniversary and I couldn't reach Kurt on the phone. I had to keep trying, if I didn't want to spend the night on the threshold. Finally he answered.

\- Santana I can't talk now, what's up?

\- I don't have keys, where are you?

\- Don't wait for me, I'm at Giovanni's with my dad and uncle. We haven't seen each other for long, so I …

\- I'm on my way.

\- What?

Without any more explanations I ended that conversation. I didn't want to spend few hours in hall and didn't have any idea where I could go. So I took a taxi and then ran into the restaurant and called him again.

\- Meet me at entrance.

\- Ok.

After few seconds, he was there, all in smiles. I easily noticed that he was up to something.

\- Maybe after all it's good that you are here. It can help.

\- Help with what?

\- You have really nice dress today. – He was checking me out, but not in his regular fashion-expert way.

\- Are you drunk Kurt? Give me keys.

\- No, not yet.

\- Fuck you, if you don't give me, I will take it myself. And you know that I'm not joking.

\- Stay here with me for 15 minutes.

\- For what?

\- My uncle can't stop asking me …

\- … about your girlfriend. And now I know why you don't want to talk about her, you are too kind and don't want to make your old man jealous. – Some older man cut in our conversation.

\- Kurt, who is …

\- It's nice to meet you. I'm Stephen Hammel, Kurt's uncle. – He took my hand and kissed it. It was so awkward. So old-style.

\- And that is Santana Lopez. – Kurt introduced me. I wanted to run away but both of them pulled me in the direction of their table.

\- Good evening Mr. Hammel. – I said with pleading expression, hoping that Kurt's dad could save me.

\- Hello Santana. Please sit down, it's so nice that you could join us. – He wouldn't help me, I realized.

I had nothing better to do and according to their plates, it could be tasty dinner, so I decided to play along. Some heterosexual drama with Kurt might be hilarious. And his uncle had to be some ignoramus not to see all that gayness. Waitress brought menu for me and without any scruple I chose most expensive meal. Politicians could afford it. They were talking about some government funds for ecology, but suddenly stopped to turn me into their conversation.

\- So how long, have you and Kurt known each other? – Stephen told it to both of us.

\- Kurt, darling, how long is it? – I said seductively. But Kurt remained silent. – I see that I'm faster in counting, baby, it's six years now.

\- No way. Kurt, where have you been hiding that beauty? – His uncle was shocked and definitely overexcited.

\- I'm type of housewife, you know. – I leaned closer to him and whispered. – I try to use word wife as often as I could, maybe he will understand that he should buy a ring after so many years of free … service. – I winked. That man, about sixty years old, was funny, he was definitely buying that bullshit and loving it at the same time.

\- Kurt, you should take good care of that young lady.

\- Yes, uncle I will. – Kurt as a student of NYADA, was an awful actor. He should be ashamed.

\- So Santana, are you in college here?

\- No, I have a job. Quite interesting actually. – At that moment I remembered that they had been talking about ecology, so I gave him all details about ProHope. And he was amazed. From that moment we were talking, mostly of it, I was talking about possibilities, advantages etc. And Kurt's dad added something about government funds. Then Stephen was all mine, he was totally into idea of solar system for his swimming pools. I promised to call him next day with more details.

Back in apartment Kurt was not able to believe that I had stolen his show.

\- I asked you about 15 minutes and you stayed there for 3 hours.

\- I was great, you have to admit that.

\- Maybe, but …

\- You wanted me to play that role, don't complain now. Instead of it you should work more on your acting skills.

\- I wanted him to meet you and then stop thinking about my private life and focus on business conversation with my dad, but unfortunately there was other person talking business for whole evening.

\- It's a win-win situation. Don't you think?

\- Not really. Maybe my dad will have a chance to talk to him tomorrow, but you shouldn't expect anything cause all he was interested in were your bubs and not some solar system.

\- Get lost Kurt. Goodnight.

Next morning, when I said Nikki about that, she was skeptical as much as Kurt had been or maybe even more.

\- Don't be so enthusiastic. From casual talks during dinner to deal it's a really long way.

\- I felt that he was really interested in …

\- In your bubs or butt? – She cut me off. I didn't like that about her, I could even said that I hated that. She had to notice my anger and apologized.

\- Calm down, I was joking. If it really works out, it will be huge. Newbie has a luck sometimes.

\- You will see, I will make it. I will be your best vendor.

\- I've known that from our first meeting, that someday you will be mine … best vendor.

It was strange how she paused after word " _mine_ ". But I didn't want to analyze that further. I didn't give her any reasons to have hope for something more than being friends at work.

 ** _Back in present – December_**

I had been concentrated on that possible deal. During these weeks I had had a lot of meetings with engineers from company which delivered that methods. It had taken a lot of working, counting, planning and convincing, but after one and half months I was after all formal work on that. I had agreement and rest of work would be in hands of group of engineers. But my provision for that agreement would be on my account in 14 days. That amount of money was hard to imagine for me. 1% from minimal amount of investment, which was planned for 500 000 $ and it gave me 5000 $ with possibility of surcharge. Only for few weeks of work. I was starting to love that job and not only because of that. It also gave me opportunities to learn so many new things, to learn how to negotiate with people, some verbal, social and marketing skills. And the best thing was the fact that with every day I had been spending less and less time thinking about one certain person. It was my hope for the future, they were right with that slogan.

I was still lying on the couch, but I had to get myself together, in 30 minutes I would have a celebrating dinner with Nikki. I had invited her to fancy restaurant cause in last few weeks she had given me a lot of details how to close a deal, she had helped me with technical issues, she had been very supportive. I wanted to thank her for all that, but mostly for giving me a chance in the first place.

Knowing that Nikki used to look at my legs with too admiring gaze when I wore tight short dresses, I chose to wear trousers and some sweater, in Rachel's style. I wanted my boss to be proud of me and not to be attracted to me.

\- Are you going to church in the middle of the week? – Kurt asked me with strange smile.

\- Do I look like a good girl?

\- Not good, boring I would say. – He said it with incredulity and maybe even some of disgust.

\- Great, that is definitely effect I wanted to achieve.

\- Rachel, come here! Quickly! Aliens have converted Santana into ... – His voice was containing not only disbelief but also some horror tones at that moment.

\- Why are you screaming Kurt, I was … – Rachel looked at me and stopped. – What's going on here? Why are you wearing my sweater?

\- I would have asked you, but I hadn't had time, I'm almost late, bye.

\- Where are you going dressed like that? – They asked in the same moment.

\- On a date. – I winked.

I reached restaurant at 7.55 PM. I had 5 minutes left, she was not there. I put much effort to prevent her from taking it as a date. I chose table in the middle of the restaurant, so there wouldn't be any privacy, I told waiter to take off candle from the table, to avoid romantic mood, I was dressed totally unsexy and was prepared to talk only about work. Anyway we had never been talking about anything else, so it might work out well.

She came at 8 PM, perfectly on time. She looked regular, as every day at work. Elegant but casual at the same time, with pinch of masculinity, if I could say that. Probably it was because of shape of her suit.

\- Hello Santana.

\- Hi. Please sit down.

\- It's your big day.

\- Our. I mean that without you it wouldn't be possible.

\- I helped you as I always help every new employee. You was the one who found that customer.

\- Thank God that I'm always such a mess and have lost keys that day.

\- Right, you were lucky girl. – She smiled at me somehow warm, without her usual sarcastic grimace.

\- But I really want to thank you. Cause …

\- Excuse me, ladies, are you ready to order? – Waiter interrupted us. We ordered our meals and went back to conversation.

\- What was I talking about? – I tried to remember.

\- That you are happy to be there with me. – She winked and was waiting for my answer with interest, or maybe even impatience in her eyes.

\- Really? I'm not sure. – I said with defiance. It looked like we were starting some kind of verbal challenge.

\- So are you unhappy because of it? – She said with a sneer.

\- Not unhappy but also not happy … does it make any sense?

\- I don't know, cause I'm not sure what we can find between happiness and unhappiness? Could you enlighten me?

\- I just … I just want to make one thing clear. I'm a lesbian. – I said it so laud, that people from tables next to ours, looked at me, some with supporting smiles, some others with disbelief.

\- It hasn't been clear for me till now, I must admit that I have been wondering about that since our first meeting, so thank you for making that statement.

\- Wondering? – I felt as if she was putting some irony in her last sentence, but didn't know why and what exactly was ironic in these words.

\- Santana, I don't know if that is clear or not, or have you been thinking about it or if it was a reason for your last sentence, but I'm lesbian too. And so what?

\- Nothing, but I want it to be clear that …

\- I see that clear is a key word for today. I'm sorry for interrupting but I really don't know what's the point.

\- I'm a lesbian. And I know that you are gay too. And I want to explain that it's not a date.

\- It's clear Santana. Everything is clear. Don't worry. You look so nice in that sweater and it's also soooo clear. – She was joking at me. But I had to admit that I deserved that. I was acting like a fool.

\- I'm sorry.

\- You don't have to. Let's eat something. It's not a date, so we can eat as much as we want cause everybody will pay their own bill.

\- No, I will pay, cause it's my celebration dinner.

\- Don't you worry that I will have some date-fantasies about that?

\- Stop it, Nikki. I have already seen my foolishness.

\- That's good.

We spent more than hour on talking about that deal, about my ideas to gain more clients. It was nice and I lost all my worries about her hidden agenda. She wasn't looking at me in any suspicious way, it was good job with that sweater. I would have to thank Rachel.

\- We will think about new possibilities after New Year, now it's not good moment for investors. It's almost Christmas time. – Nikki concluded.

\- I know. _It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas, each and every way … –_ I intoned one of my favorite Christmas songs.

\- Santana, you have really nice voice, any more hidden talents?

\- Maybe. – I winked. It was too ambiguous, fuck.

\- What are you planning for Christmas?

\- Unfortunately that year there is no better option than going to my hometown.

\- Why unfortunately?

\- It's a long story.

\- I like to listen about long stories.

\- But I don't like telling them. Is it clear? – I tried to sound funky, but I was so afraid to start talking about Lima, about reasons, about Britt, so probably I failed and my voice was too serious. The fact that Nikki, as well as other people at work, didn't know about my past and my unhappiness, that definitely helped me to be stronger.

\- It's clear! Changing the subject, will you come back for New Year's Eve?

\- Rather yes, if there will be no … I mean yes, I will be back.

\- So I will send you invitation for my crazy New Year's Eve party, but don't worry there will be a lot of people, few my exes as well, so it definitely won't be a date. You don't have to clear it up.

\- Send it, I will check it, ok?

\- Sure.

\- And why the hell do you want to invite ex or even exes to your party? I don't get that lesbians' habit to stay in touch with ex girlfriends. – At that moment I realized that I had not been talking on such subject never before, subject so generally and not personally connected with lesbianism.

\- Why? … I don't know any other reason beside that I like them, I like to spend time with them, talking, going out, having fun …

\- So if they were so great why did you break up with every one of them? – It was very bad idea, but I drove myself to continue that conversation.

\- Have you ever broke up with anybody, San?

\- Yes I did, but … but we are not in touch anymore. – I said with little pause. All of that was starting to change into really dangerous conversation.

\- You didn't want to have a contact or that was her decision?

\- She was … no but … maybe I don't know, it's a long and complicated story again.

\- But my stories are not so long, not complicated at all, we used to have fun as lovers and now have fun as friends, only except having sex. It's simple. Both sides have the same expectations, it doesn't hurt anybody, why is that so strange for you?

\- Without feelings it is better, right? – I repeated my own old slogan as a question.

\- I don't think so, I think it's better with only good feelings involved.

\- It's impossible.

\- No, it's quite simple. You have to find right girl, who wants exactly the same kind of relation you want. That's all.

\- Maybe, but love is not so easy. Heart is the one making decisions not you.

\- Santana, I would never thought that you were so romantic. I'm impressed.

\- You probably think that I'm a fool. – She was evidently making fun of me. I wasn't ready to talk about feelings and it was big mistake, that I had started that conversation about exes.

\- Ok, maybe a little. But in a nice way. – She laughed. – Come on Santana, it's not a big deal.

\- I wish that I could be more like you. Or get back to phase when I was sure that sex without feelings was better.

\- Sex without feelings sucks. You clearly don't understand my point of view. Is that clear? – She winked.

\- Yes, boss! It's clear.

\- And for me it's clear that you are going through some … – She looked at me with a questioning look.

\- Heartbreak. Yes. But it's definitely too long story for tonight and maybe even for forever.

We spent few more minutes talking about some neutral things like Christmas presents for parents and best drinks for party. And then departed, everyone in other way. After all it was nice evening, and I hoped that I could become good friends with Nikki. Only friends and definitely without benefits, but it would be good to have somebody to talk to, except Rachel and Kurt. Somebody, who potentially could be more like me, and despite differences or maybe partly because of them, could help me with understanding my own decision and life directions.

When I entered apartment, Kurt and Rachel was waiting for me on the couch.

\- Finally! Give back my sweater, I have to sterilized it! – Rachel ran to me.

\- What?

\- It might have some intimate substances on after your long date.

\- Don't be ridiculous Rachel. And it was not a date. I was joking.

\- No way! – Kurt came closer to us, as if he didn't want to miss anything from that secret girly talk about date.

\- So what was it? And why did you need my sweater? – She was still so serious about it.

\- I met with Nikki, my boss. She is a lesbian and I didn't want her to think that this dinner would be something more, a date or something, so I decided to dress as unattractive as possible.

\- Don't you dare to say that look is unattractive! – Rachel got into furious mood.

\- It is a little, indeed. – Kurt took my side.

\- No way, it's Calvin Klein's winter 2015 collection. – She was defensive.

\- Ok, on you it looks super sexy but on me … – I tried to calm her down. I couldn't stand her diva-like behavior.

\- You are perfectly right Santana. But now tell us everything. – She accepted my pseudo apology, in distinguished way.

\- There is nothing to talk about. We were talking about work, my first success, about Christmas.

\- Hmm … any lesbian-like subjects like exes? – Kurt added suspiciously.

\- Nooo. We work together, there is no place for personal subjects.

\- I don't buy it San. I know some lesbians and it's quite impossible for them to avoid personal subjects, and ex girlfriends is favorite one. – Kurt was studying my facial expression, as if he was looking for some symptoms of lying. I was not in mood for true or false play so I gave up.

\- Ok, ok, ok. We were talking about exes, just a little. She mentioned that few of them would be present at New Year's Party.

\- What party? – Two of my roommates were visibly interested.

\- Her own party. She told that after inviting me.

\- Few of them? – Rachel looked at me with shock in her eyes.

\- I didn't ask her about how many exactly, but according to her approach to relationships, it could be a lot of.

\- Wonderful! Rachel we have to stop it if we don't want to have more drama in this place.

\- What the hell are you talking about Kurt? – I was losing my patience. I didn't like that talk at all.

\- Santana, don't you dare starting relationship with some heartbreaker. – Kurt was almost hysterical.

\- Kurt, you are wrong, it could help her to change perspective and forget about …

\- Rachel, don't you even try to say her name now! I've had enough! That talk is totally without any sense, first of all Nikki is nice, but totally not my type, I couldn't be attracted to her, second of all, she is my boss, and primarily I'm not looking for anybody. I'm not interested in new love. I'm not ready. Is that clear for you?

I went to my bedroom without waiting for their answer. That night should be about my professional success and not about any past, future or potential romance. I wasn't interested in any love at all … in any love beside love of my life, which I couldn't get anymore …

Lyrics used in this chapter

 _Bing Crosby "It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas"_


	16. Chapter 16 - Small symptoms of big chang

**CHAPTER 16 – Small symptoms of big changes**

 ** _Camp Hill, Pennsylvania, mid December 2014_**

Last two months had been intensive. I had been working as much as always, spending even more time with Alice, cause that little move had been the reason why I hadn't wanted to miss anything important. I had been staring at her trying to see any symptom of some move, reaction, anything. Still I had been visiting cemetery, I had added jogging and meetings with Lindsay to my everyday list of duties. I liked spending time with her. I enjoyed our friendship. So I was really busy, and preparing for Christmas was the last thing on my mind.

It was one week to Christmas. I had not celebrated Holidays in any special way since 2010. Few last years I had taken advantage of that time of the year to sleep whole day, turn off thinking or volunteer on ER. But probably that year plans would be different.

On 20th of December I got a call from my mom. When I answered it she had to be surprised as much as I was. I had never answered their calls, not after accident. After funeral I had said them that I had not wanted any contact with people who had known Max and Lizzie, that it had been too painful. They had been heartbroken about that (or only had played that way), but I had not accepted any opposition. When they had called, I had never answered and after few days I had called them back for short conversation or had sent them mail with information about my life – always the same. They lived in California, in Los Angeles – city of Angels and … demons from my youth. Whole my closer and further family lived on the west coast, so there was no danger of surprising visit or meeting someone accidentally, at shopping mall. It was safer. I missed them sometimes, but it wasn't strong feeling. We had not been close before, they had been hard on me, very ambitious, they had not paid attention to my real feelings, had not made effort to get to know who I really had been. Maybe they had had some predictions and had been too afraid of the true kept inside. Sometimes, long time ago I had tried to say something, but they had always cut it off so I had not known before and I still didn't know, I didn't care either, what they had known, knew or didn't know. Anyway I had not wanted to talk with them to hear that compassion, that shallow-care voice, and had not wanted to scream that I deserved all that. I had always felt need to cut them off. But that day I automatically answered the phone, what shocked me, as well as it shocked my mother.

\- Hallo?

\- Susan is that you? – My mother said in disbelief.

\- Yes, mother that's me, it's still my number, don't you remember I'm alive. – I was rude, even if I fully understood why she sounded so surprised.

\- It's that you but ... you never ...

\- But today I did answer, so why did you want to call me in the first place? Not to hear me? Just to leave message on answering machine?

\- I'm happy to hear you. I'm just …

\- Little shock?

\- Yes, I have to admit it.

\- So? You call because … ?

\- Father and I, I mean we, we thought that it would be nice, to visit you on our way to New York. We will spend New Year's Eve on the east coast.

\- Nice? Do you think it's accurate word?

\- Maybe, good, just it could be good to see you.

\- When exactly?

\- On 25th. – I heard in her voice, that she said that without believing that it could matter, she was sure that I would decline her offer, but I decided, not maybe not decided, cause I didn't think of it, I just said that, maybe to make something what would shock her even more than my answering her call.

\- Ok, so I will wait for you two on Christmas afternoon with dinner.

I got silence for the answer. Like there was nobody on the other end of the line.

\- Do you hear me?

\- Yes, Susan, yes, I hear. Oh my God.

\- What?

\- It's just so long and I'm so happy. You don't know how happy and excited dad will be. Thank you. Thank you.

\- So see you then mother.

I ended that call. What the hell was I thinking about to agree. It would be a catastrophe. Not beautiful in any way. But I would think how to deal with it later, after work and cemetery. I had to go there, I had to focus on not going out of my habits, totally.

During last seven months my routine had changed, proportions had changed. From half of hour at her room and one or two hours on cemetery, to as long as I had been able to, sometimes even five hours at ER 102 and 15 minutes at grave. I hadn't even noticed when, but it just had happened. And later at evenings or at nights I had been focused more on reading about coma, picking up music for her, than on photos and memories. And my calm sadness had been passing away, very slowly, but still giving place to little happy feelings and not anger. When I had been talking with Danny about her therapy, when I had found some new method for treating coma, even now, as much as I didn't want to confess that, but I enjoyed somehow that short conversation with my mum. I was changing. My life was changing.

I had one surgery that day, it took me five hours. Quite difficult case. I was tired, but it was not an option to dismissed meeting with Alice, if I could call it a meeting.

\- Hello Alice, it was snowing a little bit today, we are going to have white Christmas. Do you like when it's white? Hmm?

 _I'm dreaming of the white Christmas …_ – I intonated first verse of Christmas classic, but I couldn't stand my voice, I was terrible singer.

\- I'm not sure but is there possibility that my voice is so awful, that it can get you out of coma to shouted me up? Or on the other hand it's so horrible that you want to fall in deeper sleep not to hear it at all? How do you think Alicia?

I laughed at myself. I looked through the window, it was snowing again. It could be beautiful on Christmas with white scenery. In California I hadn't known something like that, Christmas used to be hot and usually grey. I remembered like in 2010 Max had been helping Lizzie to built the biggest snowman in our neighborhood, she had been so thrilled. I smiled to myself, it was so good to be able to smile to my own memories.

\- But anyway, there are more serious subjects to talk about than my singing and white Christmas. My parents are coming for Holidays. You know, how my relation with them is so … hmmm … maybe there is no relation at all. But I recklessly agreed and they will come for dinner. So you can imagine how nervous I am. It wasn't easy to talk with them via phone so face to face it could be only harder. If I will be sad, they will try to talk about past, about my lose, my pain, maybe their pain too. If won't be sad, they will try to get to know if something has changed. And what will I tell them then?

I turned around from the window and snowflakes, and looked at her calm face and then at stable, rhythmical movements of her chest.

\- Hmm … Alice? Should I tell that there is some unconscious girl that gave me hope … do you think it's a good idea?

After a moment of staring at her, I turned back to white world outside the window and go back to continuing my pseudo dialogue, which was nothing more than a monologue.

\- You don't have to say it loud, I know that's not a good idea at all. So better I should focus on something productive.

Few weeks ago Danny had taught me how to do few simple exercises with her, so I decided to make better use of my time with her and move her legs a little, slowly and steadily. I was able to feel her muscles, and couldn't deny that her legs were amazing. In every inch.

\- I only hope that they won't try to make it even harder and won't act like they care about my feelings. They have never done that before and they have never paid attention to anything but my external.

Suddenly I felt something like calf muscle contraction. It might be involuntary reaction to exercises. But it also might be something important. I checked her rehab card, her statistic, it was all good, her results were good, but she still couldn't wake up. There had not been any registered brain activity in last five minutes, so probably it was just coincidence.

\- Focus Alice. Longer it takes, it will be harder.

I sat near her again. She was indeed Sleeping Beauty, as Danny had called her. I shouldn't staring at her, it could bring only unwelcome dreams at nights, so I started to read next chapter of " _Christmas Story"_ by Dickens – it was the part of Past Christmas. But it was late, so I read few pages and decided to go. I had on my mind that I should visit Lizzie.

\- Alice, had a good night. – After saying that, I naturally and without any consideration lead in and kissed her forehead. It had happened for the first time. I stopped few inches upper her face so my eyes where next to her closed ones, I had a feeling that I wanted so badly to look in her eyes ... I thought that maybe it could happen next time.

It was snowing and I had some problems with my car. But anyway I was in shock, later at home when I realized that I had missed visiting cemetery. It hadn't happened ever before. I felt that something was changing, I knew that it was because of Alice, I was becoming concerned and afraid of it, cause it could bring … I didn't even have an idea what it could bring … but probably nothing good and safe.

Following morning, I started the day with two hours long visit at grave, as if I wanted to make up for yesterday. It was cold, I was frozen and wet because of snow, but I was standing there. I felt a little guilt because of yesterday, but I caught myself that my thoughts were spinning around in different directions. Looking at photo of Lizzie, my mind went to organizational details of Christmas dinner with parents, I was considering what should I cook, bake, when to call somebody to clean up house, if I should buy presents for them... It was shocking that my mind was so fooling with me ... I was not able to go back to my sadness, and also it wasn't anger, it was long ago forgotten feeling of excitement. No, it was too big word for that, maybe just neutral calmness ... but then my mind sailed away to Alice ... I wondered whether I should prepare something special for her, Christmas songs list, maybe I could buy her some pajamas as a present or better mattress or maybe ... what could or should I buy for unconscious girl? It was silly that I was excited about it. And while I knew that it wasn't too big word at that specific situation, cause I was really excited, I wanted to spend Christmas Eve with her, decorate tree, sing carols. I was foolish, it was stupid, I was too old for that … It was hopeless ... but I was excited about Christmas like a child.

I ran away from cemetery in a hurry. When I was going to drive away, my mum called and I answered, again.

\- Hello Susan.

\- Hi mum. – What the hell was wrong with me, I hadn't called her anything but mother, not only after accident but never in my adulthood.

\- I want to confirm that we are coming on the first day of Christmas after noon and that we have booked hotel in city center cause we want to stay for few days.

\- Ooo ... You didn't tell me before.

\- Yes, but we want to stay, maybe we can meet another day, just spend some time with you. It has been so long since …

\- I will be working a lot at Christmas time. – I interrupted her. Maybe I was not ready even for one meeting, but for more, I wasn't prepared for sure.

\- It doesn't matter, but in case you will have time and want to meet us, we will be there.

\- Ok, mum I'm driving now, I'm on my way to the hospital, so I have to hang up.

\- Ok, bye.

\- So they will be staying here longer. Fuck, give them finger, they want whole hand. – I said it out loud but after hanging up the phone.

I had day off, but I was driving to hospital as every day lately, to check on Alice and also to ask Danny about her rehab. But doctor Balder stopped me on my way to her room.

\- Come to my office please, for a minute.

\- I'm privately here ...

\- No excuses, Sue.

\- What's it about John?

\- We need to talk.

\- Should I be scared?

\- Of course not. You are our best surgeon, I mean technically, you are really the best professional, and you know, because of your motivation, your heart for this job you are nothing but great for patients, but ...

\- Could there be any but in that statement?

\- Maybe I don't understand that situation with this unconscious girl.

\- There is nothing special to understand. I just … care about her.

\- Yes, I know but when I gave you report. That one, in which was stated that according to her description, she was not listed in any missing people list or something, I saw that you were relieved.

\- It's not true.

\- Don't deny it. Sometimes I was watching you when you were with her, when you were reading or talking to her. Then you looked so calm and at the same time excited. Like you got your baby back.

\- No, I don't see Lizzie in …

\- Stop Susan. I have known you for almost fifteen years now, since your senior college year, I can see what's going on. You act as if you are better now, but what will happen when she wakes up?

\- I will be happier than anybody else.

\- Really? And what's then? She will go away, to her life, her family and you once again will be left behind, without anybody, alone, it will be the same script but with different cast. Do you want to experience it again? To lose somebody, you built your life around?

\- It's a bullshit.

\- I won't argue with you, just think about your own motivations. For your own sake. Do you want to help her or do you want to have somebody to take care of, like a child, somebody, who doesn't ask you hard questions.

In my mind some annoying question, maybe even hard one showed up at that moment _"What hard question is he talking about, is it possible that he knows about my secret? It would be a disaster, but how? Could he see me while I was kissing her forehead the previous day?"_ But I decided to fight with his speculations, no matter what he really had on his mind, while telling that.

\- You don't know anything … No, you don't know anything about me and my life. I have friends, Lindsay for example. My parents are coming for Christmas …

\- Stop Sue. I know. Trust me. I know and I don't want to hurt you. You are not close with any of your friends, family. She is perfect for you cause she is just lying there, you think that she can't hurt you, unless she wakes up ... Maybe you hope that it will never happen.

I couldn't stand that. I slapped him. He looked at me, but not with anger, only with compassion. He probably saw in my eyes that I realized that some of that might be true. Fuck.

\- Just think about your life Susan. I like you, not only as my employee, but as a person. And I don't want to see your sorrow again. I have noticed positive changes in your life since May, but I'm worried that you will be more broken than before when you lose reason of these changes.

\- I understand. I'm sorry for my behavior. It was inappropriate. It's not easy but I have to thank you for all these words. It was hard to listen to them, but maybe there was something true in your statement. But definitely not that part about my wish for her to stay in coma.

I hadn't visited her that day. I came back home to think about all these words I had heard from doctor Balder. I tried to put these sentences into shorter pieces to precise some answers.

 _"_ _When I gave you report. That one, in which was stated that according to her description, she was not listed in any missing people list or something, I saw that you were relieved."_ – It was hard to accept but maybe there was some truth into it. Knowing that nobody was looking for her, was giving me hope that after waking up, she would stay here in Camp Hill. I didn't think about where, why, with who, as who, I was just concentrated on "staying here" part.

 _"_ _Sometimes I was watching you when you were with her, when you were reading, talking to her. You looked so calm and at the same time excited. Like you got your baby back."_ – Yes I was sure that she had been giving me calmness as well as excitement, but I had not been thinking about reasons for these feelings cause it hadn't mattered. It had been and was good for me. But now when I was analyzing that sentence, I was sure that definitely it didn't have anything in common with feeling of having my baby back. It was nothing about mother – daughter relationship. I wasn't able to named that relation but that one term wasn't suitable for sure.

 _"_ _Maybe you hope that never won't happen."_ – No I was dying to see her waking up, I had no doubt about it.

 _"_ _Do you want to help her or do you want to have somebody to take care of, somebody, who doesn't ask you hard questions."_ – I had been sure from the very beginning that it had been a win-win situation, she had been getting help in recovery and I … I had been getting help with my own recovery too. But there was something very painful in John's statement, for my whole life I had not been ready to build any, not single one deep relationship with anybody, cause I had always been hiding something and had been afraid of hard questions, honestly I had been scared of any truly personal questions. And she had not been asking any questions. But if she could? If … what could it mean, change …

He indeed knew me. I was frightened, cause maybe he had been able to read from me like from open book and already had known about my deepest secrets. But no, he couldn't, nobody ever had been able to find out. But all what he had said, it was so true and I definitely should put more effort to develop relationships with other people and … I had to prepare myself for her waking up … and walking away. I had to learn how to change my life on my own.

Lyrics used in this chapter

 _Bing Crosby "White Christmas"_


	17. Chapter 17 - Christmas dreams and nightm

**CHAPTER 17 – Christmas dreams and nightmares, part 1**

 ** _Lima, Christmas Eve 2014_**

 _I'm driving home for Christmas  
Oh, I can't wait to see those faces  
… And it's been so long  
But I will be there  
I sing this song  
To pass the time away  
Driving in my car  
Driving home for Christmas_

When I heard that song on radio, I was sitting in my room thinking why had I decided to come home for Christmas. I was already tired of being there. " _Maybe I took train to Lima because Rachel stayed in New York and her dads were joining her to celebrate Hanukkah. Or maybe because Kurt decided to fly to Washington to see his dad. Everybody on Christmas time are dreaming about family meetings … No, I didn't dream about it myself but …_ " But I had to admit that I hoped that maybe Brittany would dream about it and would show up in Lima during Holidays … so I definitely should be there. Waiting. No, waiting was not accurate word, I didn't like that verb at all, as well as searching. If I waited and didn't get what I was waiting for, it would be totally disappointing. So I hadn't come to Lima to wait for Britt, but just to celebrate Christmas with my family and by the way, if it would be available, to meet her. I could say that to myself as many times as I wanted but even if I had made decision not to wait for her, I was waiting, I was fucking waiting and in a meantime, during last few days I had been becoming more and more frustrated because of hope had been falling away.

 ** _Lima, last few days, before Christmas_**

 ** _21_** ** _th_** ** _of December_**

When I got off the train in Lima, nobody was waiting for me at the station, cause I hadn't called anybody to say about my plans. Last time during my stay there, I had been frantically searching for Britt. At that moment I had a plan not to search for her anymore, I was pushing away that thought, that hope for meeting her, that presentiment about her homecoming for Christmas. But anyway I wasn't ready to talk to my parents, definitely not at the station. Our conversations lately had been short and similar to some reports from my progress at work. We had never been talking a lot about my feelings, about my fears or desires, even after coming out, but now I was sure that conversation about obsession, which was haunting me, could bring only lot of lack of understanding. I couldn't expect them to understand that I had not been able to accept departure of that girl, with whom I hadn't been for more than year and then I had told her that I had been working hard to forget about her. How could they understand that in last few months she had been the one and only thing I could have remembered about, that I had been pushing myself day after day not to think about her, but I had always failed. How could I expect them to understand that I had realized that her departure had been the most cruel of things that could have occurred, and still I had so much love for her in my heart, so much yearning. So I decided to surprise them at home, when I would be sure that I could stay in Lima for Christmas. If I could hide some of that obsession inside of me. If it would be possible there, in our places.

First stop on my way to Lima Highs, was house of Pierce's family. I knocked few times, for a long time nobody was answering, but when I was ready to leave, Whitney Pierce opened the door.

\- Santana, what are you doing here?

\- I come to see if …

\- I saw you standing here for 15 minutes and then I heard knocking. I was not sure if I should open. You acted strangely, why were you standing here with absent glance? Brittany is not there, I told you so many times that if she came, I would call you, so why were you standing here, staring? – She was talking fast, as if she didn't want to give me a chance to interrupt her, even if she stated few questions.

\- Mrs. Pierce, I just … I hope, that she will come home for Christmas.

\- No, not yet. Go home Santana. You have to learn how to …

I didn't let her end that sentence, I wasn't in the mood to listen to some lectures from her. I came here only to meet Brittany or get any news about her. At that moment it hit me that even if I had tried not to wait, search or have hope, I had no idea what would I do if she wouldn't show up for Christmas. That somewhere deep inside I took it for granted that she would come.

\- And if she doesn't? If she won't come, what's then?

\- If I don't get any Christmas message from her, I will call police. It would be too strange. Don't you think?

\- Yes, yes, definitely. All of that it so strange, it's not like her in any way.

\- But now please go. Wake up from that …

I interrupted her again. I didn't know what she was about to say, but I didn't want to hear anything like " _wake up from that dream of yours reconciliation_ " or " _wake up, she doesn't love you anymore_ " or worse " _she will never come back …_ " Anyway I was sure that I wasn't ready for any of that.

\- I can't. I love her.

\- But it won't bring her home … you are the one who …

\- What?

\- She ran away because of you.

\- It's not tr … – I didn't end that sentence, and just ran away with tears in my eyes. It hurt me so much mostly because it was true. She had run away, because once again I hadn't been ready, when she had needed me.

Few hours later, after my eyes dried up, I arrived at home and my mum was really happy to see me. She greeted me warmly. I felt good and safe in her embrace. I knew that even if she was not able to fully understand me, she would support me, as she had done it before.

\- It's so good that you come home for Christmas baby. We all will help you to bring back beautiful smile on your face.

\- I know mum. There is no other place for Christmas better than home. – I said with fake smile and definitely without confidence. The statement itself was true, but would I ever feel again that Lima was my home, without her?

\- Yes, for Christmas we should be at home altogether. And there in the kitchen is person, you probably want to see.

My heart leapt into my throat and I ran to the kitchen. When I saw my Abuela, it gave me feeling of disappointment and happiness at once. She was the second person in my life, I was missing the most. But when she spoke up, all of happiness disappeared immediately.

\- Santana, it's good that you come home. And it's good that you come here alone. I know all about what happened, and even if it was painful, I think that was also good, because now there is no other option for you. You have to admit that sinful relationship brings only sorrow. I warned you, Santana, I did. But you didn't want to listen. But now you can see it for yourself, right?

\- It's not … you know nothing …

I looked at her with lot of disappointment. I had been missing her but hearing these words changed that immediately. All at once she became some stranger, not my Abuela, who used to love me so much. It was terrifying. I was aware of her views, but saying something like that it was just too awful and callous. I didn't end my sentence and just went upstairs to bedroom. I didn't want to argue with her, she was so wrong, but anyway her words hurt me deeply. All what she said showed me that lack of understanding could bring us to the place, where we would be happy because of someone else's sorrow. If we thought that we knew better what was best for others, we could easily hurt them. She was wrong but I didn't have strength to change that. I would have to pretend that I couldn't hear her words.

 ** _22_** ** _th_** ** _of December_**

I woke up in the morning very tired, after night full of dreams about Britt. Every one of them made me woke up restless. I could remember only the last one, in which we both were older and supposed to have life together, everything was so nice and good, until I caught her with some man on the couch in our living room, what of course caused my awaking.

After cold shower, I went downstairs to eat breakfast with mum and dad. They were nice and protective, mum even wanted to apologize for Alma, but I stopped her, it was unnecessary and couldn't change Abuela's mind.

\- So Santana, you really enjoy that work, right? There is no chance for change of heart and following yours father's footsteps? – Dad was joking, I saw that. Becoming a doctor had never been an option for me, and he knew that.

\- Dr Lopez, please stop that vendetta! – Mum said with serious look on her face, but when dad came to her with pleading face and kissed her lips gently, she melted and laughed. It was good to see them like that. After so many years they were able to laugh together and she called him so affectionately "Dr Lopez". I wanted that kind of relationship, I wanted to have that with Britt, I used to be so sure that we …

\- San, where have you sailed away with your thoughts? Honey?

\- I'm sorry mum.

\- If you want to talk about Brittany or anything else, we are here. – She assured me with very compassionate expression.

\- I know, but there is no need to talk about it, she is gone and no longer exists in my life. Now I'm focused on my work. For now it's ok, it's enough.

\- I'm happy to hear that. – Mum said that with relief. She was indeed happy to hear that I was getting better, that I wasn't miserable any longer. I had to be a good actress or she had to be a poor observer, anyway she noted that I was alright or at least better and Britt's issue was left behind.

After breakfast dad went off to work and we drove to market for some grocery shopping. When I had been younger I used to love all these Christmas preparations, but that year I was afraid that I couldn't stand Abuela's comments or if she wouldn't show up, I would feel too guilty for her loneliness on Christmas season, loneliness caused by me. Not to mention that I would be so focused on waiting and hoping for some miracle, and hiding that fact from the whole world. And maybe I would be also responsible for Britt's loneliness on Christmas or … her being away, which wouldn't mean loneliness, but I so badly didn't want to think about that.

\- Mum, do you think that Abuela will ever accept my way of life, you know my sexual orientation, cause even if there is no Brittany in the picture anymore, that won't change who I am.

\- I know that and we both with dad will always support you in your decisions, but Alma, she is so old-fashioned, traditional in her point of view.

\- I don't want to run away when she says something so wrong like she did yesterday but I also don't want to argue. I respect her so much but at the same time I can't respect her opinions.

\- I know that it's hard Santana. But we can't change it. We can only wait.

\- Waiting, again.

\- Hm?

\- Nothing. Anyway that was the reason for my absence on Christmas Eve two years in a row. I was afraid of confrontation, which could destroy my beautiful memories connected with Christmas. She used to be a great spirit of Holidays.

\- I know San. So I'm even happier that this year you've decided otherwise.

\- Yes mum, I'm glad too. – I hugged her. It wasn't the whole truth, but she didn't have to know that all my decisions had been somehow caused by Brittany.

 ** _23_** ** _th_** ** _of December_**

In the morning I spent four hours with my dad. We were decorating three meters high Christmas tree. I realized that I was missing parents, that during last few years I had spent too little time with them, had called them too seldom. It was good to talk with them about not important things or laugh or just be next to them.

\- Santi, watch out with these lights.

\- It's ok, dad. Don't worry.

\- No, no, no if you fastened them incorrectly, we would be burned during sleep. – He said that with simulated seriousness and fear.

\- Dad, don't complain, better come here on the ladder, I'm too short. We don't want to have this tree illuminated from the bottom to the height of two meters and with sooo dark top, right?

\- Do you want your old man to fall and go to hospital on Christmas, the first time in ten years, when he finally doesn't have to work on ER on Holidays, hmmm?

\- Of course not, I will protect you from the floor.

We switched our positions, he put on the lights to the very top. And then we started to hang all ornamentations around tree, traditional baubles, which I remembered from my childhood, some of chains, made by me.

\- We did a great job. – I was proud of outcome, we got. Tree was fabulous, and definitely not so stiff and cold, as these monochrome trees in shopping malls. Lopez Christmas tree had a soul.

\- As always we are a good team. Go team Lopez! – He hugged me tight. – I love you Santana.

\- I love you too, dad. – And I shouted in the direction, where mum was working in the kitchen. – And mum, I love you too, very much.

It was 2.10 PM and I was sitting in Breadstix, waiting for Quinn. She was ten minutes late, I was getting angry " _Once again that waiting, fuck, is there nothing else for me than fucking waiting?_ " But when I was about to leave, she finally came.

\- You have luck, I was about to go out.

\- Sorry, San. I came today, I just left my luggage at home and hurried to see you immediately, but traffic was awful. – I saw that she was posing that innocent angel look, but I didn't want to argue, so I pretended that I believed in her story.

\- Traffic, yeee, ok. – But I couldn't help myself and had to show her my spectacular facial expression which meant _"Don't fuck with Santana"._

\- So how are you? Better now?

\- Maybe, I'm trying to change my perspective, it's helping, but anyway, I didn't want to meet with you to talk about my problems.

At that moment she looked at me with big smile, as if she was waiting to hear that.

\- So maybe you want to talk about me and Puck?

\- Really? So you and Puck are now on?

\- I can say yes. – She said that with so wide smile that her face looked almost deformed.

\- Some details for Snixx, please.

\- It's wonderful. I'm in love with him, again, but this time it's different.

\- What do you mean exactly? Some new skills?

\- For six months we have been back together and he is soooo … grown up now. Gentle, caring, responsible, faithful and … yes I have to admit that sex, sex is better that ever.

\- So our Puckerman has settled down. Army was good for him, I see.

\- Yes, and it helped him to get better job and now we can plan our future, you know, as a family.

\- Beth's case again?

\- No, we are talking about another child, not now, but when I graduate, we want to start new family together.

\- I'm happy for both of you. But I regret that there will be no more one night stands like in the old good days. – I winked.

\- With me or with Puck?

\- That's bitchy Quinn. You know that I'm no longer …

\- I know. Calm down. I'm joking.

We talked a little more about her love life, her happiness with Puck, how she had been doing at Yale. I gave her few stories about my work, I mentioned that I had started to hang out with my co-workers, that I was on my way to recover from heartbreak. It was good to be around Quinn, and only once it hit me that now Unholy Trinity was incomplete, maybe forever.

 ** _24_** ** _th_** ** _of December_**

I repealed door a little, I heard voices from the kitchen. It was mum and Alma, they were arguing about recipes for Christmas cakes, Polvorones or Mantecados, as every year. I didn't want to come in the middle of that mess. When they would put it into the oven, I would come down for breakfast. I sat down on my bed and drifted over time, Abuela's nervous voice reminded me of Christmas Eve in 2008.

 ** _Six years ago, Christmas Eve 2008_**

\- Britt what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be at home decorating tree? – I shouted from my bedroom's window when I noticed her on our driveway.

\- Tree could wait, but I couldn't imagine Holidays without whishing my best friend Merry Christmas, personally of course! Telephones or mails don't count.

\- If you say so.

\- So may I come in for a minute?

\- Wait a second, I will go downstairs and let you in, mum and Abuela are fighting in the kitchen, so if you don't want to get into middle of that, pushed to take sides, don't interrupt them with knocking.

I hurried to open the door. She was dressed up as a little elf, I couldn't help myself, I had to laugh at her.

\- What? Don't you like my outfit?

\- No, it's just … – I couldn't stop laughing.

\- What?

\- It's just funny.

\- And shouldn't be funny?

\- No but …

\- Tubbington got matching one, I can't buy different costumes now, it's too late and there won't be Christmas without elves. – I saw panic in her eyes, so I had to calm her down.

\- No, it's perfect. Lord Tubbington thinks you are purrrrrfect and so do I. – I said that trying to imitate sound of cat's purring.

\- If you said so. – She was cute when she was glad and satisfied with her crazy ideas.

\- Let's come in I will try to steal some candies from the kitchen. But please be quite, not to get in the middle of the world war about … cakes.

When we were on our way to the kitchen, suddenly she grabbed my arm and stopped me.

\- Wait San, if we don't want to have bad luck in next year we have to do this!

\- What? – She looked up, my eyes went in that direction too. Above our heads there was mistletoe.

\- Do you believe in that custom? – It was rhetorical question, even if I had known her only for few months then, I was sure that she was superstitious.

\- Yes, we have too. I came here to wish you merry Christmas and not to cause you bad luck for next year.

\- Ok, ok, so quickly.

I put my lips together and was waiting for hers. It was short, totally innocent kiss, but still in the light of following events, it counted as our first one.

 ** _Back in the present_**

\- Where is your need to personally wish Merry Christmas to your relatives and friends now? Could you have calm and happy Holidays without it, knowing that they are worrying about you? Who are you, Britt? Don't become some stranger, please. – I said aloud to myself.

\- What are you doing Santana? – I didn't notice that my mum came in.

\- What?

\- Are you talking to yourself?

\- No! – I looked at her as if she was talking some unbelievable bullshit. – I didn't want to be a part of your traditional fight, so I stopped myself from coming downstairs.

\- I win. – She smiled.

\- It's good, your cookies are sweeter.

\- I know.

\- Anyway it's nice that Alma decided to come. But I hope that she won't try to give me any lectures.

We went to the kitchen together, cakes were already in the oven. Abuela wasn't there, probably had gone to the church to calm herself down after her defeat.

When I heard doorbell, without any justification, one thing went through my mind _"It's Britt, she comes home for Christmas, she comes back to me"._ I ran to door like a maniac, but when I opened it, I found there a postman. He brought one letter, Christmas card from aunt Maria from Florida. Britt had sent me Christmas card only once, last year from MIT. It had come with more than week delay and had been short, very short. I had been able to sense some sadness between the lines. She had been alone there … I so badly wanted to stop thinking about her, but I couldn't. Every situation, every season song on radio, simply everything reminded me of her. It had been mistake to come home for Christmas, I should have stayed in New York to celebrate Hanukkah with Rachel's family.

I spent Christmas Eve evening with my parents and Abuela, we went to the church for solemn Christmas Eve Mass, ate festive dinner together, dad intoned some carols. I tried to focus on celebrating with them and avoiding any serious talks with Abuela.

I was back in my bedroom about 11 PM. I opened my laptop to check mail box. There was one short message from Nikki.

 _"_ _Best wishes for Holidays to my most promising seller. A lot of presents under the tree and some fun under mistletoe. see you back in NY, on New Year's Eve? xoxo Nikki"_

It wasn't a message I was waiting for. Two years ago Britt had waited to midnight with call to say merry Christmas to me. Maybe that year she would do the same … In 2012 that had been the first Christmas Eve, when we had not met in person. When she had called me few minutes before midnight to sing " _Christmas Wrapping"_ , first tones of that song had reminded me of our previous year's perfect Holidays, when we had been so madly in love, so endlessly happy together. And only one year later I had been miserable, alone and sad at Christmas Eve. Then these events had made it more clear why I had had to let go of our long distance relationship. Hearing her voice had been the reason why I had not been able to resist desire to run to her, to be with her, to let go of any other thing in my life, but physically I had not been able to do that and my loneliness had been growing stronger and stronger. Everyday would have been like that if we hadn't decided to go through break-up. But I had loved her and had been missing her so much … And now, two years after, few seconds before midnight I could note that I had just gone through the first Christmas Eve from six years without any contact from Britt. Without touch, kiss, love, phone call, text message, mail, anything. Nothing. Just emptiness, and miserable loneliness. I had to stop it. I had to move on. At that moment I knew that I could be thousand times more angry at her, because of the way she threatened me, as if I was a stranger, like I meant nothing to her, and our past didn't exist at all.

I was angry but I still loved her … like never before.

It was 11.59 PM, when my mailbox informed me with short sound, that I got a mail. For few minutes I wasn't been able to make up my mind if I wanted to open it or not, finally hope won over fear. It was mail from Britt, when I saw her name I couldn't believe that it was really happening. I had been waiting for any sign from her for so long. My whole body was shaking. It was hard for me to coordinate my hand to open window with mail, but finally I did it.

" _Dear friends and family, there is one thing you shouldn't forget wherever you are and whatever you do – just never! That's Christmas wishes. So from the bottom of my heart I wish you everything you want for yourselves and something from me – a lot of love and happiness. Yours Britt xoxo_ _PS don't give up faith in Santa. He is near._ "

I had to read it few times, before I was able to believe that she was so carefree in what she wrote. It was unbelievable how could she write such simple and cruelly nice wishes after so many months of silence. It would have been better if she hadn't written anything. I wasn't able to write any answer. Few minutes later I got text message from Mrs. Pierce.

" _Santana, I got a mail from Brittany. She seems to be ok. We have to respect her privacy and wish to stay away. There is nothing else than waiting to do. Best wishes from me. You should focus on your new life in NY. Good night_."

Lyrics used in this chapter

 _Chris Rea "Driving home for Christmas"_

 _Counting days to Christmas Eve ... I love this time of the year. Greetings to all of you!_


	18. Chapter 18 - Christmas dreams and nightm

With that Christmas chapter I want to wish all of you a lot of happiness for Holidays. CHAPTER 18 – Christmas dreams and nightmares, part 2

 ** _Camp Hill, Pennsylvania, Christmas Eve 2014_**

That year again I volunteered to take working day on Christmas Eve, like last few years in a row. I had started from 2 PM and should be on ER since midnight. Every year it had been quite lazy and boring time, so I used to hide in my office and go through memories of previous Christmas with my little baby.

Before Lizzie had been born I had not been an enthusiast of Christmas habits, we used to spent Christmas Eve with Max's family, sometimes somebody from my relatives had flown there from California. These meetings had been so official, extraordinary food, evening dresses, mandatory caroling, and nothing more than empty gestures. In their eyes I had been perfect housewife, and nobody had been able to notice that I had been a little desperate as well. Elegant Christmas party by Mrs. Willsburn, beside family, usually Max's friends, lawyers, had been invited, fortunately Lana had always declined the invitation with some stupid excuse. Some friends from his polo club, mine from hospital, always doctor Balder with wife and Lindsay with husband – lots of people had gathered in that big exclusive house, which now was always so empty. We had been soul of society, wealthy, attractive lawyer and beautiful, young surgeon. So happily married, everybody had been buying that perfect picture.

When I thought about it I couldn't imagine how I had been able to go along with that. And why? I had not been able to remember if these parties had been Max's idea, mine or his parents? It didn't matter now. When I had become a mother, our families, friends and co-workers had been even more amazed with my possibility to bring together successes at work, having child, hosting of such wonderful parties, which had included decorations, meals, and looking extraordinary good at the same time. They had pushed me behind my mask of perfectness, so how could I have shown them my real face? I had been a cheater, a liar, a hypocrite, I hadn't been able to make my husband happy, but he had been too proud and definitely too loving and caring to show that. It had been a show, just pretending, like actors on the stage. But when our family had gotten new, young member, Christmas had received wonderful magical power, something true and sincere, something wonderful. There could not be anything more cheerful than child on Christmas. I used to love Christmas with her, I was an atheist and it had never had any spiritual meaning for me, but with her around, hearing her laughter I had even been able to stand Max running after me with mistletoe, then Christmas atmosphere had been magical. With Lizzie around I had loved that big house on that part of the year, with all of seasoning decorations, big tree, full of sounds of carols or special songs. She had been adorable during awaiting for Santa Clause and then when she had been anxiously ripping off papers from boxes, trying to caroling along with rest of the family and guests, playing with snow. I wish so badly that there were more Christmases with her.

Since funeral I hadn't been preparing anything for that season, no decoration, no special food, I would have felt too alone in that house and it would have been too painful with comparison how it used to be with Lizzie. I would have been all alone because of myself, I had pushed everybody away – Max's family, my family, my friends. I had not wanted them to remind me of my lose, but I had been the best at doing that myself. So I had rather spent that time as any other time of the year, alone, with my thoughts, with memories, with guilt, sorrow ...

But that year was different, something had changed, one important thing was that I was ready to renew my friendship with Lindsay. Since October, we had started to jogging together again and few times had gone out for drink, I had been listening to her, giving her friendly advices, but still had remained silent about my own life. She had accepted that, and it had been enough for her when I had told something about work or movie I had seen. I appreciated that, cause only at that moment I fully realized how alone I had been and how simple contact with friend had been able to increase my mood, my wellbeing. But I still wasn't ready for deeper relation, to be more open. Formerly I had felt too guilty to let myself experience any happiness. It was so good to finally let go of that guilt, maybe not all yet, but a part of it. Alice had been the one who had helped me with that, just laying there unmoving, she had given me the reason to focus on something else than memories and past sins and had given me hope. Thanks to her I had started to think that I could do something good for someone, not only in medical meaning, but by spending my time, focusing and caring about certain person. Thanks to her I had started to believe that I could have good impact on someone's life, not only tragic. I wasn't sure what I expected from that one-sided relation. Doctor Balder had tried to force me to think about that but I didn't want to predict scenarios about what would happen after her waking up. I enjoyed time that I was able to spend next to her. It was previously unknown feeling for me, but I was simply happy because I could do something for her, read her, search for songs which she might know, it was so simple and unusual at the same time ...

\- Maybe when she wakes up, we can ... no, no, no I can't think about it, I don't have right to have any expectations. – I said firmly to myself.

I knew that next big step would take place tomorrow. My parents would come. I raged between feelings of fear and hope. I couldn't believe that was happening, that I had agreed, but I had. And even if I had had a chance to cancel it I had not done that. But I was afraid how would it go, we could start some fight or they would put me back into guilty position. Anyway finally I felt ready to take a risk, maybe to start a new chapter in relation with my family. I didn't want to go back to what we once had shared, cause it had been too official and rigid. They used to be proud parents of their perfect daughter, great doctor, loving wife and best mother, and because of their expectations we had never been really close. I didn't expect getting closer with them now, but just wanted to show them that I was normal human being, I could be a great surgeon and at the same time could fucked up my personal life. Of course I didn't plan to tell them about my personal issues with details, but I planned to spend with them some time without mask of perfection or being nearly unconscious, just drown in tears like in after funeral period. I hoped that we could connect in any way.

Expecting guests, for the first time in few years, I had to prepare house for Christmas. Few days ago I had bought some average, but beautiful tree and had planned to decorate it with new Christmas balls, I had not been ready to go to cellar for old ones, in betweens which I could have found chains prepared by Lizzie for her last festive tree. It hadn't been fun or even nice and easy to decorate house alone, so when I had heard the same sentence from Lindsay, I had offered and convinced her that we should have first decorated her house and then mine, together.

 ** _Few days ago, before Christmas 2014_**

\- Linds, give me that big red one with stars it will look perfect on the front.

\- So take that one too, it will be like two-sided tree, one gold and one red. Is it elegant?

\- It will look funny, but maybe she will like it …

I was sure that Lindsay was dying to talk about inviting "that girl" for dinner on the first day of Christmas. So I started that conversation, I wasn't afraid to get into that subject, when it wasn't about me. It didn't seem strange or uncomfortable then. Lindsay was checking that option, and I truly believed that was good for her, but on the same time I was sure that I couldn't talk about my own experiences – she was just experimenting after divorce and I was closeted lesbian, once married to a wonderful man, used to be a mother, nobody would understand me.

\- Maybe … – she said with a tiny smile.

\- Do you have any special plans?

\- Do you mean something like making myself a living gift with red scarf and waiting under tree?

\- No, I was talking about menu for dinner. – I winked, at that moment I remembered Christmas party from the past, my last, our last one.

 ** _Christmas Day, 2010_**

It was big party, about 50 people came to our house, including his family, friends from his and mine work, his VIP clients. Everybody was impressed by the décor, food, my dress. Guest's kids and Lizzie with some babysitters and fake Santa had a separate party in the attic. I checked on them every half of hour, I would rather be around my little girl all the time, but Max and me, as hosts, we should focus on entertaining our guests, talking about economics and politics, Max's favorite subjects. I was concentrated on that conversation, to get along and show them that it was not only men's world and my role that day wasn't reduced only to gorgeous appearance.

\- I think that we should pay more attention to first symptoms of crisis in China, it could end up with something more serious than 2008 and that housing bubble.

\- You are definitely right, Sue. – Max smiled at me.

\- Max, you are lucky, not a lot of men have wife as beautiful as wise and … – Max's boss was so disgusting, when he was staring at my breasts instead of eyes, during conversation.

\- And such a good cook. – Graciously added another of his friends, lawyers. So once again I was reduced to role of extraordinary, but still housewife.

At that moment I felt that my cell was vibrating, my first thought was about hospital, but it turned out to be photo message from Lana.

 _"_ _Best Christmas wishes … your gift is waiting to be unwrapped"_

And photo under the text was just too hot – Lana lying on the carpet at her house, naked with a red ribbon on breasts and a tiny bow between her legs. My heartbeat accelerated, I had to excuse myself and went upstairs to relieve all sexual tension she caused. Anyway, later I didn't have enough strength to refuse unwrapping that gift, I just escaped my own party, not thinking about Lizzie at that moment, telling Max that I had to go to ER. And then … I smiled to that memory, without guilt – it was amazing feeling.

 ** _Few days ago, before Christmas 2014_**

\- Tell me now, what's on your mind Suzie Q? What are you up too? And that smile?

\- Nothing, I've just gone back to my last Christmas before, before accident … and …

\- I remember that party, it was amazing. You and Max …

\- I don't want to talk about it, not yet Lindsay. I'm not ready.

\- So let's talk about recipes, ok?

\- Yes, yes, yes. Christmas recipes are the best.

We finished decorating her living room, then came to my house, which earlier I had properly cleaned up, what had been like never ending story after so many years of neglecting that subject. The effect was good, but what was more important, way to achieve that was pleasant, I enjoyed spending time with Lindsay, as my friend again.

 ** _Christmas Eve 2014, at hospital_**

After I had checked on other patients, I went to Alice. I prepared little decorated tree for her, the fir smell was so intense, so I hoped that maybe it could work out for her brain, and would bring her back. I turned on mix of Christmas songs, everybody knew them, so she should as well.

\- Alice, you know it's the first Christmas Eve I've celebrated for many years. And it's all because of you. It's hard to explain but I do it for you and for myself, but thanks to you, at the same time. Is it as strange as it sounds?

 _Last Christmas  
I gave you my heart  
But the very next day you gave it away.  
This year  
To save me from tears  
I'll give it to someone special …_

\- Alice, you should be ashamed! We all know " _Last Christmas"_ , and you don't even blink hearing George's Michael Christmas classic. Shame on you.

I started to laugh and made a statement that I was joking, cause if she could hear me, I didn't want to make her sad. In meantime next song started to play, I didn't know that one, but maybe Alice could recognize it.

 _But all this year's been a busy blur  
Don't think I have the energy  
To add to my already mad rush  
Just 'cause it's 'tis the season.  
The perfect gift for me would be  
Completions and connections left from last year.  
Merry Christmas, merry Christmas  
Couldn't miss this one this year … _

During that song I was standing with my face to the tree, improving ornaments, and I had my back on Alice, so it had to be just an illusion, but it seemed to me as if I heard the soft rustle of sheets, as if she moved, but when I turned around, nothing changed. She was lying still. I decided that it was time for present.

\- You have been so good and calm this year so Santa Claus left you a present under the Christmas tree.

I felt that my words supposed to be funny and humorous, but it came out not so well. Anyway I took red box with silver ribbon and put it on the edge of her bed.

\- So maybe, I unpack it for you. I wonder what he has brought for you.

It was comfy pajamas, which I had bought after three hours of wondering, if I should, if it would be appropriate, if she would be more comfortable in it then in these hospital uniforms, which were awful. So finally I had bought it and now gave it to her. I was excited like a child, as if she could react to that gift in any way. But when she didn't, I just started to undress her. I had seen her naked figure many times before, it was part of my job to check state of her body, but that time was different, I was doing that privately and not because of medical reasons. It gave me a trill, the pleasure of admiring the look of her shapely breast and thighs, and even more pleasure from touching her. But I didn't do anything inappropriate, so I didn't have anything to feel guilty about.

After one more check on other patients, I spent rest of the evening with her, singing carols, reading classic _"A Christmas Carol"_ by Dickens, it was just nice and calm actions, I was not thinking about what I had seen not so long ago but … what I did to say goodbye, just before midnight, surprised and terrified me. I didn't plan it, just without thinking I took some mistletoe and kissed her on the lips. Maybe my lips were staying next to hers a little too long, cause I was able to feel her breath. I experienced the touch of her lips very deeply, I felt that they were soft and warm, and lightly open. I had to run away not to want something more. I was sure that I should feel ashamed, and I wanted to feel that way to punish myself for inappropriate behavior, but guilty feeling didn't come.

\- Good night my Sleeping Beauty. I wish you merry Christmas and maybe next year you could join me in caroling.

I looked at her one more time, in blue pajamas, she was adorable. It was amazing Christmas Eve, despite that strange situation with mistletoe.

\- Thank you Alice. You are like Alice from Wonderland, you create magical atmosphere, without even trying.

That night I was not thinking about what had happened, about my feelings, I was just enjoying being in Christmas cheerful mood without doubts, second thoughts, without blaming myself.

 ** _Christmas Day 2014_**

In the morning, when I woke up about 8 AM, without any thinking or hesitating, I stuffed turkey and prepared some salad, then I went to hospital to check on Alice and wish her _"Merry Christmas"_ one more time _._ I was in a hurry, so I didn't have any free time to panic or feel discomfort after yesterday's kiss. About 11 AM I hurried to cemetery to leave fir branches on grave and spend few minutes with memories about Lizzie. And finally it was about 12 PM, when I went back home, cause my parents were on their way. Maybe then, for the first time that day, little fear came to my mind.

I heard the sound of the doorbell exactly on 2 PM. At that moment turkey was in the oven, almost finished. Table was covered. I thought that they hadn't called me earlier, probably to avoid situation in which I would have cancelled that meeting. When I saw them, they were smiling, I believed, no I wanted to believe that it was sincere.

\- Merry Christmas Susan! – They said in a sync. It sounded like they had rehearsed it before. _"Oh no, they won't give me a chance to turn away my mask."_

\- Mother, father, I want to welcome you. It has been really long time since our last meeting but I just wasn't ready, I hope that you understand that. – With these words show began …

Then there were few brief hugs, kisses on the cheeks and few more smiles. They took their seats at the table, I served the turkey. They complemented on my cooking skills, asked me about work. I told them about few difficult surgeries from 2014, just to let them be proud of me, like they had always loved to. I remained silent about Alice, even if she was the most important of my patients that year, maybe even ever, not only in 2014. After finishing dinner we sang _"Silent night"_ together. It was like in theatre, one scene after another, without any interruption, without any unplanned talk, from both sides. It was going safe and unpleasantly easy, without any real connection, until my mother stood in front of fireplace, staring at the photo of Lizzie, Max and me.

\- Father and I, we miss them so much. So I could easily understand that you are still in pain Susan. – She told that coldly, without looking at me.

\- Yes I am but … but live goes on and … – My words obviously hit her somehow, but she looked at me with expression on her face, which was impossible to verify. Was it shock, disgust, incredulity, hope, happiness … ?

\- Susan! We both hope that you will be happy or maybe you are already? You are our precious daughter, don't forget about that.

\- Really mum? – I said "mum" although earlier, in my whole adulthood I had never called her that way. But in sound of my voice there was a lot of disbelief.

\- Yes of course. – My father stepped between us. He hugged me thigh.

\- It would be nothing wrong if you decided to get married again, had another children. Everybody would understand that and would be happy for you. – Once again they said it in sync. They had planned it, they wanted that. It would be normal, they wanted back their perfect daughter with her perfect life, they didn't want me, real "me" and didn't pay attention to my needs, as always.

\- Susan, nothing could make me, as your mother, more happy than seeing you happy, and you know that any woman couldn't be completed, fulfilled without family, without good man taking care of her, helping her with daily troubles. And you could have …

I didn't pay attention to the end of that sentence, but I perfectly knew what she wanted to say. I had heard that before. Her words brought me back in time …

 ** _Los Angeles, 1991 – 21 years ago_**

For few days I hadn't been sleeping well. I had been dreaming one nightmare over and over again and that had been terrifying. In my dream I was in some empty room, in darkness, with every move I was feeling pain and fear, cause I was sensing presence of some man, who wanted to touch me in a way that was uncomfortable for me. I was determined to run away from him. When I finally reached a wall, and started to feel relief, something strange happened. Somebody wrapped me from behind and pulled me closer, still I wanted to run away, thinking that it was that attacker, but when I felt soft lips on my neck, all of fears disappeared and I turned around to lay into long kiss. Long kiss with a stranger, but it was a pleasure, it was something amazing cause it was not that man, it was some girl, who was kissing me.

That Sunday morning I felt so much pressure to talk about it and I did. My mother stayed calm during whole time, when I was telling about my dream. Even then when I asked her if there could be something wrong with me. And when I finished she told me one thing, which despite my attempts to escape from it, directed all my life. She told it without any emotions.

\- Susan, nothing could make me happier than seeing you happy, and everybody knows that any woman couldn't be completed, fulfilled without family, without good man taking care of her, guiding her through life. Intimacy is for adults. Now you may be scared of it. You are too young and may be lost sometimes, but one day, in the future you can have everything you deserve. You only have to focus on what is really important in life. And I will help you with that.

From that Sunday morning my mother had been so madly focused on showing me what should have been the most important thing in life. She took every opportunity to tell me about good life, normal and happy family, precious marriage and benefits of having strong arm to protect woman, to show me misfortunes connected with living "different" lifestyles. She was subtle but clear in her message. For her there was no other option than heterosexuality, even if she had never used that word. She wouldn't have accepted anything else. So I was left alone with my dreams, fears, questions, doubts. I didn't want to be rejected so I hid all of them deep inside of me and started to focus on the most important things in life.

 ** _Back in present_**

At 2014 evidently I was a bigger coward than at age of thirteen or fourteen. When I had been teenager at least I had tried to come out, more than once. What could happen if I told them now about my needs, about my desires, about my deeply hidden soul. Nothing I could care about, when I didn't care about them, so why? In 21th century, with marriage equality in half of States, how my coming out could hurt me? It couldn't. But what could I get from telling them – also nothing, cause I still wouldn't be ready to change my life, to start my life, the real one. I was a coward. That was the reason for all misery in my life, not them and their cruel coldness.

They left about 8 PM, it was polite and cold goodbye. Nothing had changed and probably never would.

I hurried to hospital to be with Alice, the only one person in the whole world that didn't push me to pretend to be someone else. I could easily be myself around her. I was aware that was pathetic to be myself only around unconscious girl, who couldn't interact with my in any way. At the same time I couldn't be sure what I wanted from her, what she had been doing for me since May, but her presence had been giving me hope for something better.

I told her about that day with my parents, about my disappointment, about my childhood and growing up in shadow of fear. Even if she wasn't able to say anything to me, or perhaps because of that, I was able to be totally honest in that conversation. When I finished that confession, I decided to sing few carols letting my not so nice voice be heard in whole room, then just sat with her in silence, holding her hand, and finally once again used mistletoe for goodbye kiss.

\- But Alice, will you let me be myself, when you wake up? Will I be strong enough to be myself around you, when you won't longer be asleep? Or maybe you will just run away to your own life leaving me alone, in my own darkness …

Of course that question remained unanswered.

Lyrics used in this chapter

 _Wham! "Last Christmas"_

 _The Waitresses "Christmas Wrapping"_


	19. Chapter 19 - Waiting for the midnight

CHAPTER 19 – Waiting for the midnight

 ** _New York, New Year's Eve about 14 hours to midnight_**

I woke up at 10 AM. I was ready to say goodbye to fucking year 2014. I decided to attend Nikki's party. If I didn't, I could stay there alone or worse, with Rachel and Kurt, who would analyze all their successes from last year and would plan goals to achieve in 2015. I could go to see the ball dropping on Times Square or enter some randomly selected club, but it would be pathetic. So because of lack of better options, I decided to go and meet her exes. Unfortunately, my roommates also didn't have any plans and they were more than excited about idea to join the same party. I agreed. I couldn't be so nasty on the last day of the year if I didn't want to become more bitchy in 2015. _"Hmm what could 2015 bring for me? More dollar bills? New love? Old love? … Don't …"_

\- San … come here quickly! – Rachel's distraught voice was coming from bathroom.

\- What?

\- Please come!

I asked myself, if I could hear begging in that sentence. Anyway her diva-ish voice was so annoying. She was such a drama queen. But I decided to be nice on last day of 2014. So I went to her. When I entered bathroom, I couldn't help it and immediately began to laugh.

\- What the hell are you doing Rachel?

\- I wanted to fit in the atmosphere of that party … – I noticed some tear drops in her eye corners, but I didn't want to give her any compassion, it would be too much even for the last day of the year.

\- And that was the reason why you decided to dye your hair red? With that look you won't fit anywhere!

\- I hope that you can help me to wash it off.

After reading description on the packaging, it was certain that Rachel would look like insane hippie at least for one month or 30 washings.

\- So what should I do now? – She had been already crying.

\- Maybe, it's not so bad after all.

\- No way San, it's like a nightmare.

\- You can rock Cyndi Lauper's style, it's two in one. It fit to 80' style and she is a big gay activist and icon.

\- Maybe … but on Monday, on NYADA? I will lose my main role in "Chicago".

\- You can wash hair 30 times till Monday, it's possible. Don't worry. Kurt will be happy to share his shampoo with you. He is so into that sharing thing.

\- Why are you two talkin … – He couldn't end that sentence, stunned by what he saw. – Oh my God, Rachel? What …

\- Don't panic Kurt. Don't cry either. We will handle this till Monday and for tonight girls just wanna have fun. – I intoned Cyndi's classic and suddenly they joined me so we started our party little earlier.

 ** _Camp Hill, New Year's Eve about 7 hours to midnight_**

New Year's Eve – I had never cared much about all that excitement with greeting new year, having big parties or drinking so hard not to remember that we were getting older. And all that resolution thing was too frightening, cause I had never been able to go along with any of that. And during few following days after "big night" all people around used to talk about how they try to exercise more, eat less, quit smoking or spend more time with their kids. But my New Year's Eve resolutions had always been more serious and I used to have delusions that I could have changed something fundamental in my life just like that. But I had always failed.

 _"_ _In 2005 I will be better wife and will put more attention into my love life with Max."_

From one dinner-date and love-making two times in a week in 2004, in 2005 I had pushed myself to go along with more dinner-dates, but in sex area I had failed completely. Sometimes only once in a month I had been able to let him touch me.

 _"_ _New year – 1997 will be the one, when I finally tell my parents about my sexuality, clearly and openly, without fear."_

I had to admit that I had tried, more than once. I had started that conversation with every possibility, but they hadn't let me finish it. Or maybe I hadn't been determined enough to do it or frightened too much of consequences, like being kicked out of the house, losing my comfortable life and possibility to go to college, being sent for some therapy. I hadn't been brave, that was for sure.

 _"_ _In 2008 I will become mother and it must be the reason to say goodbye to all my sinful desires."_

For few months my little precious Elizabeth had pushed away from my mind and heart all other thoughts, feelings, needs, desires. But unfortunately in the end of 2008 Lana had showed up, out of nowhere, so beautiful, so charming, so intelligent and funny, so good … and she had made me start dreaming about having family with her, rising my Lizzie with her, loving her for the lifetime.

 _"_ _I will stop loving Lana – in 2011 finally once and for all!"_

I had made that resolution cause I had been feeling guilty more than ever when I had ran away from my own Christmas party to unwrap present that Lana had prepared for me. I hadn't wanted to hurt Max and Lizzie, also I had been sure that Lana had deserved something more than being a mistress. But my failure in that resolution had been obvious and it had become the reason for all tragic events in 2011.

 _"_ _In 2004 by marrying Max I will become new person, without old needs. He will cure me and my heart."_

But he hadn't had or rather I hadn't let him. Like marrying somebody, you didn't love, could ever change your feelings, if not for worse, it definitely wouldn't change anything for better. I had been stupid thinking it would have been possible, especially when at the same time I hadn't let go of daydreaming about sex with women, which later had changed into Internet chats, and after few months into one night adventures. 

Failure, failure, failure. And only few successes for all these years.

 _"_ _I will spend more hours on cemetery on every day of 2012."_

And I had achieved that.

 _"_ _I will spend more hours on cemetery on every day of 2013."_

Again, I had succeed.

 _"_ _I will spend more hours on cemetery on every day of 2014."_

I had been on a good way to do it, till May 2014. 

But that year I wouldn't plan to do any resolutions for 2015, cause in my mind I had no idea for changes. Failure with last year's promise to spend more time on the grave, in the second half of 2014 had been good for me. Just it. For the first time in my life failure with resolution had brought something positive.

It was about 7 hours till the beginning of the year 2015. I was entering hospital to start my day at work on ER. I was happy that I would be able to start 2015 with Alice. Nothing else mattered.

 ** _New York, New Year's Eve about 6 hours to midnight_**

We were in taxi on our way to Nikki's _"Welcome 2015 with icons of the 80's"_ party. Rachel as famous Cyndi Lauper, Kurt gorgeous as ever while dressed like Boy George. He had even invested some money in purchasing wig. And me, not overdressed, but definitely best looking as one and only queen of 80's – Madonna herself. I had never been in Nikki's apartment before, so when we got there, I had to admit that I was impressed. It was big, elegant and sophisticated place. Maybe after few years in ProHope I would be able to afford something similar for myself. That thought was more than pleasant.

\- Welcome, guys! – Nikki, aka Michael Jackson greeted us happily.

\- Hi Nikki, meet my friends. That's Rachel and Kurt, guys, and it's my boss, Nikki.

\- Santana Lopez, I'm not your boss tonight, is that clear? – She tried to sound despotically or maybe was repeating once again that "is that clear" thing from our first "no-date" dinner.

\- Nikki, you look great, that outfit is amazing. – Before I could answer, Rachel interjected.

\- You look amazing, too. Is that a wig or your own hair?

\- Mine. – Rachel told with both, pride and despair.

\- It's a big sacrifice, everything to fit perfectly to your role. Is it a motto of NYADA?

\- Yes. We have to be ready to perform on Broadway in every circumstances. – Nikki was good at lead people astray but Rachel didn't need much to start her tirades about sacrifices for art.

We walked in. There were about 30 people inside, few from our work, rest of them were some strangers. And as time went by there were more and more guests, until Nikki's big living room was really crowded with about 50 dancing, drinking and screaming people.

Party was quite entertaining. A lot of people, in mood for dancing, nice apartment, good music, good brands of alcohol. I had to admit that Nikki was a good party holder. Even Rachel and Kurt, although they didn't know anybody there, were having great time. Kurt especially, cause there were few handsome gays on the dance floor. I was dancing too, in groups only, no duets or slow dances. I drunk, maybe too little too much, but that Malibu shots were just delicious. I wasn't in mood of crying or remembering 2014. And that was a success.

\- Are you having fun, Madge? – Nikki came to me with another Malibu shot.

\- Now, definitely yes. You should be a bartender.

\- I'm good at lot of things. – She winked, maybe seductively, or simply jokingly.

\- Really? Are you suggesting something specific? – After so many drinks, I couldn't stop myself from using charming, flirting voice.

\- Dance duet, queen against king of a dance floor?

\- Against? Is that a duet or duel? What do you mean exactly?

\- Anything you want.

\- Are you sure?

\- Yes.

She changed music into some mix of Madonna and Michael's number ones from 80's. She wasn't ready for my dancing skills. I left her behind, during queen's and king's shots. She just had bad luck, I loved all these trucks and I could dance to them quite well, even if not so fantastic as …

\- You win. – Nikki interrupted me in perfect moment, just before I was about to see picture of Brittany dancing to _"Me against the music"_.

 ** _Camp Hill, New Year's Eve about 30 minutes to midnight_**

\- Finally I have few minutes only for you. – I said it enthusiastically, while entering Alice's room. – During last hours I was taking care of few young people poisoned with alcohol and one girl with broken leg. They obviously started and ended their party too early this year.

I sat on the edge of her bed and took her hand.

\- Alice, I want to thank you for this year. You can't even imagine how much I appreciate what you are doing for me. You do it just because of your presence here. You saved me, you brought back hope for the future. Even if I still don't know what exactly that means, I just feel it. So thank you.

I leaned over and was looking at her and her lips for few seconds and then kissed her. But that kiss was different from these kisses under mistletoe. I had not only put my lips on hers like I had done before. It was definitely more intense. I kissed her upper lip, biting it gently, then tip of my tongue touched her bottom lip and I slipped it between her parted lips. But it was too much, it scared me.

\- What the hell am I doing!

I ran away from her lips, from her face, her bed. I turned on some music, it was safer.

 _Clock strikes upon the hour  
And the sun begins to fade  
Still enough time to figure out  
How to chase my blues away  
I've done alright up till now  
It's the light of day that shows me how  
And when the night falls  
The loneliness calls_

 _Oh I wanna dance with somebody  
I wanna feel the heat with somebody_

I was listening to that song and sailed away with my thoughts about recent events and possible meaning of them. I was standing by the window, looking at white world outside, when I heard silent whisper.

\- Where am I?

When I turned around, I couldn't believe in what I saw. Alice was awake, her eyes, so blue, were opened and she was trying to sit on bed.

\- Where?

She repeated it one more time, louder. When I came closer, I saw fear and confusion in her eyes. I just wanted to hug her and maybe kiss her again but I had to get myself together, after all I was her doctor, and only a doctor, nothing more from her point of view.

\- It's ok, you are in hospital, you are safe.

\- Where?

\- In hospital, in Camp Hill. Please calm down. Everything is ok now. Your life is not in danger. Your state is stable. – From desire to kiss her, I ran away in cold professional conversation.

\- And who are you?

\- I'm your … – I paused to stopped myself from saying friend, guardian or … – I'm your doctor.

\- Why? Where is she?

\- Who?

I noticed that she was frightened, she didn't know where she was, who I was. I was staring at her like a maniac, sinking in her eyes, it must have made everything harder for her. I had to stop it. Fortunately I got some outside help.

\- Doctor Willsburn, we have an emergency. – Some nurse came for me. Her name was Becky, probably, but at that moment I wasn't able to focus on anybody else than Alice.

\- What? – I was dazed. It was like in a dream, maybe I was even more confused than Alice. It hit me that I had no right to call her "Alice" anymore, that I had to ask her for her real name.

\- Where am I? – I heard that Alice's, that her voice was raising up, as if she was getting nervous or panicked.

\- We have an emergency, young boys plus partying too hard and playing with fireworks, it's a lot of work for you doctor Susan. – Becky was pushing me to focus on something else.

\- Ok, ok, I'm going. But you please stay with Al … with her, she's just woken up.

\- Wow, our Sleeping Beauty has opened her eyes. – Nurse smiled. – Don't worry, I can handle that situation, but that bloody massacre on ER is just for you. – She smiled at me.

I ran out in a hurry. I had my work to do, but in my mind I was haunted by thought: _"Now when she is awake, when she realizes where she is, she may call her family or friends or maybe husband or fiancé to get her out of there, she is in good physical condition, she can departure hospital on her own, and what's then? When I finish surgery, I may not be able to meet her anymore. Don't have a chance to say goodbye, to talk with her, after so long time of waiting to see her eyes and smile, when she finally wakes up I am pushed to go away. It is unfair."_ I was so frightened that I would not see her again, that I panicked and wanted to come back, but I pushed myself to focus on patients. They needed me now and she didn't need me anymore …

 ** _New York, New Year's Eve about 25 minutes to midnight_**

\- Everybody please, take some coats or jackets we are going to the roof, to see fireworks and greet 2015. – Nikki ordered us to change party location. I wasn't into going outside, it was cold, but everybody was excited about roof thing, so I had to join them.

\- Like you said, she is really Shane's type of lesbian. – Rachel whispered in my ear.

\- And how the hell can you know anything about it, did you watch it?

\- No, but when you told us after your first date, that …

\- It wasn't a date!

\- Anyway, you told us that you couldn't be attracted to her because she was like Shane. I just had to know what that meant. So Kurt showed me some promotional photos form " _L word"_. And now I see that was a perfect description.

\- First of all I have to repeat that it wasn't a date. And secondly … – I paused, cause my mind flew away, probably I had been drank already.

\- And secondly?

\- I don't remember what I was about to say, but so what?

\- Nothing, but she is cute, even dressed as Michael, and all girls' comments under photos of that real Shane were so enthusiastic, lesbians were freaking out about her.

\- But I'm not …

\- Because of that suit thing? Women in suits can be sexy, even you were damn hot during Jackson's performance on Glee.

Rachel was an asshole. Why did she start that conversation in the first place. Probably she wanted to destroy that evening for me. It was nice, better than I had expected and now she decided to start so pointless discussion about something that didn't matter at all.

\- I'm hot whatever I choose to wear, remember that. – I decided to bring back some more of Santana's bitchy style and confident attitude. It gave me satisfaction.

\- So maybe too short hair?

\- No, it doesn't matter, it may always grow.

\- Brown eyes and hair?

\- No, it also not that. Let it go Rachel!

\- I know that you have always chosen blonde girls, but as you said before, about growing she could dye it too, as I did today.

\- Are you really so stupid Rachel? Or you want to make me angry no matter what?

\- I know, it has to be because of her breast, they are too small! – She said it too loud definitely. She had drunk too much, I was sure of it.

\- Fuck off Rach!

\- You said that she was nice and you liked to work with her, so there is one problem left, she is no Brittany, obviously.

I didn't say anything to her. It was too much, but at the same time, I had nothing to say to argue with that statement. I just turned around in anger and went to pick up my coat.

\- Fuck you Rachel. Do you think, that you are fucking psychologist or something? – I said under my breath.

We went upstairs, to the roof. The view was amazing. White roofs, black sky, some stars and fireworks on the horizon, and further Manhattan. Cold air woke me up a little, and stopped my desire to drink away all unwelcome thoughts. I was furious at Rachel but she might be right. Maybe I was still looking for Britt and that was the reason why I could not focus on anybody else. I looked in the direction where Nikki was staying, she was opening bottle of champagne, while in the background people from ProHope were counting " _10, 9, 8 …_ ". New 2015 Year was near. I wanted to close that old one, as soon as possible, that year had caused me too much pain. I wanted to erase all bad memories, I was dying to get new start, really new and fresh beginning. When I heard " _0_ " I saw that Nikki was standing in front of me. She gave me glass with champagne.

\- Santana, do you have any requests for 2015?

\- Yes, for New Year I just wish to get new start, I hope for the new beginning!

I looked at her, she was sexy in her own way, I didn't care about hair or suit, she was damn hot. Maybe because of her eyes and lips, maybe that was because of her confident attitude, the way she was moving. I didn't care about it anymore. I made a New Year's resolution in my head: _"I want to forget about all bad things from 2014, I want to get my life on right track, professionally and personally and I want to forget about Brittany. You are no longer important to me, you are some stranger without heart. Now you do not exist for me Brittany S. Pierce, not anymore."_ And I leaned to kiss Nikki. That kiss was nice, in my mind it brought back once again feeling of Britt's last kiss, but I pushed it away _"You are no longer exist for me"_.

\- Santana, what a hot beginning of 2015, do you know that few first minutes of new year describe the whole next year?

\- Really? So that means that we will be kissing each other all year round? No me gusta. – I said it seductively and winked. Now, where I was ready (I was hoping that I was ready) for the new beginning I wanted to enjoy the way she was looking at me with admiring gaze. I wanted to try to use her motto about looking only for good feelings, cause then everything could be much more simple.

\- I won't mind if we can add some cuddling or …

\- Stop, not so fast lady. We will see what 2015 can bring us …

I wasn't ready to jump into it so quickly. I wasn't ready for sex, definitely no. At that moment I was interrupted by my phone. It was vibrating in my coat's pocket. I took it out and saw some unknown, unlisted number.

\- Who the hell is it?

\- Answer, it may be something important or just New Year's best wishes.

I ran the finger across the screen, I must have been drunk more than I thought, cause it took me three times to answer the call.

\- Hallo? – My voice was showing mixture of anger for interrupting my conversation with Nikki and some impatience and embarrassment caused by my inability to answer it properly.

\- Hi San, it's me …

I recognized that voice, from all moments, she decided to call me at that one, when I was trying to start something new.

Lyrics used in this chapter

 _Whitney Houston "I Wanna Dance With Somebody"_

 _THE END of THE PART I - stay tuned, PART II is coming :-)_


	20. Chapter 20 - New Year, new life?

_**PART II – Recreation or creation of memories, what's better?**_

 **CHAPTER 20 – New Year, new life?**

 ** _New York, 2015 – few minutes after midnight_**

\- Hallo? – My voice was showing mixture of anger for interrupting my conversation with Nikki and some impatience and embarrassment caused by my inability to answer it properly.

\- Hi San, it's me …

I recognized that voice, from all moments, she decided to call me at that one, when I was trying to start something new. I was angry at her, our last conversation hadn't been nice at all. She hadn't been nice, even if she had been right then, I didn't want to talk with her, definitely not now.

\- Why are you calling me Dani?

\- I just want to wish you all of happiness in 2015.

\- Really?

\- Yes, of course. You shouldn't have any reasons to doubt it.

\- Maybe yes or maybe no, you know Dani, I'm in the middle of something and … for a second I hoped that … but it was you, anyway I wish you all the best too and … just good luck Dani.

\- Ok, so if you don't want to talk, just take care of yourself. Bye Santana.

It was strange conversation. I overreacted, maybe because of disappointment. When I saw unknown number I hoped to hear Britt. Maybe … Only few minutes after midnight and my New Year's resolution was broken. She should have disappeared from my mind and heart. She should have not existed in my life anymore, in any form.

\- Something's wrong? – I almost forgot that Nikki was next to me and few minutes ago we had shared a kiss.

\- No, nothing. It was just my …

\- Ex?

\- Yes. Did you read it from my face? – I was drunk and I was acting like foolish teenager, all my perceptiveness went away.

\- It was just the way you were talking with her.

\- No. It was simple talk, without any …

\- Now I can see that your relations with exes are indeed totally different from mine. Long story, right?

\- That one is definitely the shorter one. So watch out!

Why the hell did I say that. I was drunk and confused. I didn't want to continue that conversation so I kissed her. It was easier option. Maybe even nicer. Her lips were warm and soft. But our tongues were fighting for domination. It wasn't a perfect kiss, it felt as if we needed different pace to get along. Maybe few first kisses with new person couldn't be perfect. Bullshit – first kiss with Bri … I put my tongue deeper in Nikki's mouth to clear my mind from all memories of kissing HER. She was no longer existing in my life. I had to focus on that resolution.

 ** _Camp Hill, 2015 – few hours after midnight_**

I was leaving surgery room, after sewing two fingers and proceeding with amputation of one hand. I was exhausted. I shouldn't have done that work alone, but there had been no time to call other doctors. I handled it, as always the best way I could. There was no chance to save that other hand. He had luck, that he had not bled to death before ambulance came. During whole surgery I was totally focused on my job, but when I left operating room, I was able to think only about Alice. I had to used to it that she would no longer be my Alice, not mine, as well as not Alice. At the same time I was excited and frightened. I was so happy that she had woken up and I was dying to talk to her, but I was so afraid that I could lose her, even if it hadn't happened already, then probably it would in following days. It was inevitable.

When I entered her room, there was dim light. She was sleeping calmly, like all time during last months, like nothing had happened at midnight. I breathed a sigh of relief – she was still there. Maybe it had been just a dream. No, it couldn't be. I noticed that Becky was sitting next to her, on my chair. It wasn't mine, but for all that time I had spent there, that room had become my second home.

\- Becky, how is she? – I was whispering not to wake her up.

\- We had to give her something to let her fall asleep, she was too stressed out.

\- You should know that after coma giving her any hypnotics is risky. – I raised my voice rapidly, cause I was terrified that she might fall into coma again.

\- Anesthesiologist recommended dose, I did nothing by myself here, nothing without consultation with doctor. – Becky sounded defensive.

\- Ok, Becky, I'm not blaming you for anything. I'm just worried. She was in coma for more than 7 months. It's a long time. We have to do a lot of tests to check her condition.

\- I know, but it was impossible, she was acting very strange, too excited and at the same time frightened, she was screaming.

\- I understand. She was probably confused, not knowing where she was. But I will take care of her, when she wakes up.

\- You should go home, I can see that surgery was not the easy one.

\- Yes, but I have to be there when she wakes up again.

\- So I'm going, I'm tired too.

\- Alright Becky, thank you and see you next time.

\- Bye, doctor Susan. And have a happy 2015 year.

\- Right, we forgot about whishes, good luck to you too, Becky.

So she had been frightened and confused, she had been screaming. I only hoped that there was no brain injuries. All during coma reports had been good, but only complete testing after waking up could give final answer. I hoped that it had been after-waking up shock, nothing more. She hadn't been aware where she was and why. She hadn't remembered the accident and couldn't have known anything about coma. There had been only strangers around her, nobody from her family. She had had right to be frightened. I sat down on "my" chair and was observing her sleeping face. She was breathing steadily. She was my Sleeping Beauty again, probably for the last one time.

 ** _New York, 2015 – few hours after midnight_**

I was definitely too tired to do anything anymore. Since midnight I had been dancing and kissing with Nikki, like it wasn't the first day of new year, but the last one of my life. Everything just to implement my resolution _"Brittany is no longer existing for me. Focus on new life …"._ After so many drinks I started to enjoy our chaotic kisses, I even got into mood for something more, but fortunately I was too tired to do anything about that desire. It was good, cause I didn't want to rush into new relationship so rapidly.

\- Nikki, I'm tired, next song will be the last one, ok?

\- Your wish is my command, baby. From now for always.

She winked and laughed. I didn't know if she was joking or making fun of me. When I heard lyrics I immediately regretted that I had not already ran away from the dance floor. The next song was another one of the biggest hits of the 80's …

 _Watching every motion  
In my foolish lover's game  
On this endless ocean  
Finally lovers know no shame _

… I was not able to stop image of Britt drawing heart on her face, heart for me … I was not able to stop that image from showing in my head over and over again, more and more clear, bigger, sharper ... It was too much. I made myself free from Nikki's embrace and ran away. I couldn't show her my tears. I didn't want to explain her why I was crying. I locked myself in the bathroom, and sitting on the floor, let my tears flow down.

\- Santana, what's wrong? – Nikki was knocking on bathroom's door but I reminded silent. – Should I ask somebody to help me with breaking down this door!? Santana, say something!

I was terrified, I had a feeling as if I was trapped in place with no way out. I was determined to stop thinking about past, it was killing me, it was making my life miserable. I honestly hated Britt at that moment, cause she and her disappearing had destroyed my life. I had to do something to stop it. I washed my face to refresh it and to hide tears. I opened door of bathroom as if I was opening my life for new possibilities. Outside I found Nikki, she was furious or maybe just frightened.

\- What the fuck are you doing there?

\- Nothing. – I put on the most seductive smile I could afford at that moment.

Fortunately she was standing there alone. So I took her hand and pulled her into the bathroom. I started to kiss her passionately. After few minutes of kissing, I went further. I unzipped my dress and let it fall to the floor. Nikki finished the job of undressing me and I was standing in front of her totally naked. I didn't do anything to undress her, but obviously she didn't mind it, cause she took good care of me, focusing on my pussy, especially. But at that moment I didn't need anything more. Few orgasms took away all thoughts from my mind just perfectly. There was only emptiness then. After all she helped me to dress up. We left that bathroom without sharing any word. I didn't know what should I say to her. I knew why I had offered sex to her, but I could not tell her my reasons. I found Rachel and Kurt, we thanked Nikki for party, exchanged goodbyes and called for taxi. _"Santana Lopez you are starting new chapter in your life, new chapter, in which there is no place for Brittany S. Pierce, cause Britt I used to know doesn't exist anymore. And there will be no more heartbreaks anymore."_ – with that thought I left Nikki's apartment on January 1st, 2015.

 ** _Camp Hill, 2015 – few hours after midnight_**

Some silent rustling snatched me from sleep. I opened my eyes and saw Alice, I meant that girl, whom I had called Alice before. She was trying to remove medical sensors from her body. I didn't want to scare her, aware of that she had to be confused and frightened enough because of being in totally unfamiliar place. I stood up silently and came closer to her.

\- Hello. – I said as calm and gently as I could.

She looked at me, her blue eyes were wide open. I could easily notice that she was terrified. She remained silent, as if she was trying to study my face to read from it, to get some answers for questions she probably was afraid to ask. I was overwhelmed with desire to hug her, but I couldn't let myself put her in more uncomfortable situation she already had been in, with waking up in unknown place.

\- I'm doctor Susan Willsburn. You are in hospital in Camp Hill. – I tried my best to act like a professional.

She was looking at me with pleading eyes, but still didn't say a word. Maybe it was a result of medication, which Becky had given her earlier.

\- You had an accident but now everything is ok. Are you ready to tell me how do you feel?

\- I don't know. – She whispered so softly like little child. My desire to hug her increased rapidly.

\- That's ok. You don't need to worry about that. It's normal.

\- Where is she?

\- Al ... excuse me, what do you mean? Who do you want to see?

\- I don't know her name, she is ... I don't know ... – I saw that she was getting close to start crying.

\- Calm down, please. Maybe we could start with something easier. Could you ... – I wasn't able to finish cause she interrupted me with excitement in her voice.

\- I don't know why but I know your voice. – She came with that statement out of nowhere. But it made me happy, maybe all these books and Internet guides about coma, I had read, wasn't worthless after all.

\- It's possible. I was there every day, reading you and talking to you for many hours, so it was possible that you were able to hear my voice while you were asleep.

\- Why? – She was like a lost child. I couldn't help myself, so I came closer to her.

\- It's important to talk to people in coma because they could hear us, not always, but it could help them to wake up. Maybe it happened in your case.

\- I don't know you so why did you do this?

And she was inquisitive like a child, I knew that she wasn't asking me about medical reasons. She was asking me why some stranger, cause I was a stranger for her, had been spending time with her. But that question was impossible to answer, at least at that moment. So I came with some silly statement.

\- Because I'm a doctor, I'm a doctor here in that hospital.

She looked suspiciously at me, as if she knew that I was hiding something. I was. But she wasn't able to know anything about it, she couldn't remember my kiss. That would be too horrible.

\- It's nice. Thank you. – She ended that uncomfortable part of our conversation with light smile.

\- You are welcome Al …

\- Al? What is that Al for? It's the second time you start with Al and then stop. Why?

\- I'm sorry.

\- Why are you sorry? It would be better if you finished that word. I would be grateful if you could tell me my name. Maybe that could help me to remind everything else.

She told that with so much simplicity, like something without importance. With every word and gesture she amazed me more and more. So the real meaning of that sentence came to me with delay.

\- Don't you remember your name? – I had not been thinking about that possibility before. But it was quite seldom that after coma patients had some problems with memory.

\- No, no, no ... I don't remember anything, why am I here, what's happened, what's my name, who am I, anything. – She started to cry.

I sat down on the edge of her bed and took her hand inside mine. I was feeling her warm body, for the first time I was touching her while she wasn't asleep.

\- It's temporary for sure. You have been in coma for more than 7 months, so you need some time to recover. Your brain need time to recover, but there was no damage in that area, so it's only a matter of time.

\- So please tell me my name or call for somebody from my family, friends, anybody I used to know. That emptiness is exhausting, I'm trying to find any memories and I can't.

\- I'm so sorry. I would do everything to help you, but I couldn't do that what you are asking for.

\- Why? Is it bad for my recovery? – She asked me that with some naivety in her big blue eyes.

\- No, it would be perfect, but I don't know your name and I don't know anybody from your relatives, friends ...

\- Why? – She was looking at me frantically and her fingers dug into my hand. With all my strength I had to resist need to hold her tight. – You didn't have any ID with you. And you are not from Camp Hill, it's for sure, so we have to wait till you get your memory back. Although I would love to, I couldn't help you with that.

\- So that Al? What does it mean? – She asked me as if it was her last hope.

\- It's silly. – I was embarrassed like a little kid caught on snooping or something worse.

\- Just tell me. – She was simply begging for anything that could bring back her memories. That "Al" wasn't a key to her past. But she was begging so I just had to tell her, even it was so embarrassing.

\- I didn't want to talk to you so impersonally, and once we were listening to that song _"Living next door to Alice"_ and it hit me that name Alice fitted you perfectly.

\- We were listening? But I don't know that song.

She was getting more and more sad and devastated with my every word, I was powerless. I had to figure out something to help her. I turned on my iPod and searched for song about Alice. While she was listening carefully to every word of it, I noticed that her face was getting somehow brighter.

\- It's nice song, but I haven't heard that before. I don't know if I could be Alice.

\- It's a temporary name, ok? If you don't like it we can search for another one.

\- It's ok. And your name is...?

\- Doctor Susan Willsburn. – I tried to go back to professional behavior. Talking about that song put me in compromising position, it was silly and could show more about me and my relation with her than I wanted to.

\- Doctor Susan?

\- No, just Susan.

\- Ok.

\- Are you tired or could I call for some support to start our after coma tests?

\- Is it necessary?

\- Yes, we don't have to start now, but we won't let you out of hospital without it.

\- Could we wait a little longer with it?

\- As you wish A …

\- Alice, I like it, you can call me that name as long as I will be out of my memory.

\- Alice. – I smiled at her. She was hurt and confused but with every sentence, talking with her was more and more pleasurable. But I had to focus on helping her, in medical way. – When you woke up earlier and few minutes ago, you asked for someone, you asked me where was she? Do you remember that, do you know who is "she"?

\- I don't know. I just ... I don't know, I'm sorry.

\- You don't have to hurry, I'm not going anywhere.

\- No, it's not because of rush, I just ... I don't know why I was asking about her, and I don't know who or what I meant by her.

\- That's ok. I'm not pushing you.

\- Well, well, well! I don't believe my own eyes, our Sleeping Beauty is awake! – Danny came in with big smile, making a lot of noise, exactly in his style.

\- Who is he? – She looked at me for an answer.

\- Young lady, let me touch you, and you will recognize me immediately.

\- Danny! – I looked at him with disapproval in my eyes.

\- Calm down doc, we have reason to celebrate, why are you both so serious?

\- Danny, she has just woken up from long coma, we don't need any stresses here. Come back later, ok?

\- Ok, but I won't let you out from hospital without goodbye kiss and touch. – He winked at Alice.

When he left room, she looked at me even more confused than before.

\- Doctor Susan, what did he mean by touching?

\- Don't worry. It's nothing bad or inappropriate. He is your rehabber.

\- So he was touching me while I was in coma?

\- Yes, it was necessary for muscles.

\- I don't feel any physical pain, so he has to be good at that touching.

\- Yes, he is. And he is also very funny and loves to joke all the time.

\- I see.

We were interrupted again. That time it was doctor Balder. He came to check on Alice. And on me probably. But it was unnecessary. I was feeling quite well after so many hours on ER. I was happy about her waking up, she was more beautiful, nice, charming and amazing I could have ever imagined. I was truly afraid of her problems with memory, but it had to be temporary and at the same time it gave me some more time with her. Maybe it was horribly selfish. But it was new year and I wanted to act differently, I wanted to think about my own happiness and I needed to be more selfish. It could be good New Year's resolution.

Lyrics used in this chapter

 _Berlin "Take my breath away"_


	21. Chapter 21 - Something new, something bo

CHAPTER 21 – Something new, something borrowed … something blue?

 ** _Camp Hill, 2015, 7_** ** _th_** ** _of January_**

 _"_ _My name is ... Alice."_ Maybe yes, but probably no. Anyway I should get used to it cause one week after my waking up I still wasn't able to get my memory back. Doctor Susan, or rather Sue, during last week had told me so many times that it had been normal, but still I had been afraid. I felt so lost and confused without my memories, even more because of the fact that not only I didn't remember anybody but also nobody could remember me, cause they didn't know me. They hadn't known me before the accident. Yesterday Susan had given me some report with research. It was clear that nobody had been looking for me. _"So who am I?"_ , that question was my constant companion. Didn't I have any family, friends, close ones, nobody? Nobody interested in where I was and what was happening to me? It was devastating and horrible thought and unfortunately probably it was true at the same time.

During last week I had all medical tests completed. Susan had translated these results from medical to normal language for me. According to numbers and diagrams everything was alright, I was healthy. There was no brain damage at all and only one little detail was wrong – I had lost my memory. According to the doctors there could be two reasons for that. First of all I had been in coma for quite long time and the second possible reason was connected with that accident itself, it could have caused some psychological aftermath and I had pushed it outside my mind with everything else. I didn't know. I only cared about result, not reasons. I wanted to get back to know who I was and to find somebody, anybody from my past. During coma, or maybe even before I had had that dream. When I had woken up, I had been reminding it for few minutes, but now it was foggy. I wasn't sure what it was exactly about – some empty halls, girl in white dress, but there was no face, I used to hear some song but couldn't repeat nor melody nor lyrics. It was one more question mark in my mind.

Yesterday Susan had told me that in few days, after session with psychologist I would be ready to leave hospital. But where I should go then? I was terrified and alone. I didn't want to spend whole day in bed, there was no need for that, but what else could I do in hospital? At the same time I wanted to run away from that trap and stay there, cause outside I could be even more lost. I stood up from the bed to look out from the window. On the cupboard I noticed iPod, which Sue had given to me before to help me cope with loneliness and silence in that room. I picked up the first song from the list.

 _It's like you're screaming  
And no one can hear  
You almost feel ashamed  
That someone could be that important  
That without him you feel like nothing  
No one will ever understand how much it hurts  
You feel hopeless  
but nothing can save you  
And when it's over and it's gone  
You almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back  
So that you could have the good._

 _We found love in a hopeless place  
We found love in a hopeless place  
…_

I didn't know that one, or maybe simply didn't remember. Like everything else.

Only one light point in everything what was happening, it was Sue. I didn't know why, but she was so nice. Everybody there was nice and caring, but she was acting somehow different. I couldn't find right words to describe it – maybe she was acting a little more personally, like she knew me not only as her patient, but maybe as a friend … or maybe she was just so devoted doctor. But how could any stranger, her patient expect to get so many hours of reading, telling stories, picking up music, and all of that from doctor ... It was confusing, but in nice way.

 _Yellow diamonds in the light  
And we're standing side by side  
As your shadow crosses mine_

 _We found love in a hopeless place_

\- Hello Beauty!

Some man came in with big smile on his face. I was searching my mind to find the answer _"Do I know him? What is his name?"_ And I got it. It was Danny. Susan had introduced us before. It was truly amazing feeling to remember somebody's name.

\- Hi Danny, it's nice that you come, I'm so lonely here.

\- It's all my pleasure. I miss your fabulous body. That's the most important reason for my visit. – He winked. I looked at him suspiciously but then laughed. After only few seconds I felt comfortable around him.

\- Have you spent a lot of time there while I was asleep?

\- I was coming to you twice or three times a week for rehabilitation. But don't be afraid I was joking about your fabulous body.

\- So now you think that it is not fabulous? – Maybe I sounded a little too flirty, but it was not my intention.

\- Of course it is! But I don't want to look like some pervert, who covers under rehabber uniform.

\- Ok, ok. It's forgiven.

\- And one thing must be specified, most of that time we were not alone here.

\- So they know about your actions and have an eye on you?

\- I'm good at hiding my perversion but it was rather coincidental. Sue was there so often, that it was hard to get you alone.

I didn't know if he was joking or trying to defend himself. I wasn't afraid of his unprofessional touch. Even if it had happened, I couldn't remember that so it didn't matter at all.

\- So doctor … I mean Susan she really was so regular visitor here?

\- She wasn't visiting, she was almost leaving there. During work, after, before, even at Christmas. She was spending all of her free time in that room.

\- But why? – I was so curious about that. I hoped that maybe she was somebody from my past and that was the reason why she cared for me.

\- You should ask her, not me. I don't know her so well. But people here, in hospital, tell that she has gone through some horrible personal tragedy so maybe ...

\- Don't be a gossiper, ok? I don't want to start some gossips, I just want to thank her. And I want to thank you, I don't have any problems with moving, coordinating. You have done great job.

\- You are welcome, Alice. But wait, could I still call you that way?

\- Yes, unfortunately in the matter of my memories it's still a failure.

\- Don't worry. It will be ok.

\- I hope so.

\- We are having that nice chat and I've almost forgotten why I came here in the first place.

\- So didn't you come only to see me? I'm disappointed.

\- Yes, of course, that was the most important reason, but I have also some paper work to finish before your excerpt.

He took some reports from cupboard and spent few minutes in silent, filling them. I was looking at him, but my thoughts went in different direction – what tragedy he was talking about. I was curious and concerned but I didn't want to make something against Susan, she was too good for me, so I definitely wouldn't ask her, but …

\- Ok, it's completed. – Danny brought me back from my inner dialogue.

\- What?

\- From my point of view you are ready to leave that unfamiliar place and go to conquer the world.

\- Great.

\- Will you miss that room or what? – He asked as if he noticed my strange expression.

\- No, nothing. I'm happy. Thank you for taking good care of my muscles.

\- It was a pleasure.

We said goodbye to each other, he asked for one hug and then left.

Last week had been crazy. Since Alice had woken up I had been more focused on her than ever. I had been overwhelmed by all tests we could take, by organizing psychologist therapy, I had been taking care of formal issues, cause as long as she wouldn't be identified, there would be a lot of things to completed. I had contacted transport company to define how at that situation she could get her compensation for accident. I had a lot of things done – appointment of the meeting with transport company for next week, I had found the best psychologist in Pennsylvania, specialized in after coma memory loss. He had been appointed for today at 1 PM. I had been focused on her but at the same time I had been trying to spend not so much time with her cause I had been afraid of feeling of emptiness which could hit me after her departure from hospital.

So I was sitting in my office making list of things to finish before that day – clothes, she needed clothes, some place to stay, daily psychologist therapy, financial matters, temporary ID and driving license …

\- Hello Susie Q. – My planning was interrupted by Lindsay.

\- Hi Linds, what's up?

\- Nothing, I'm just checking on you. How are you doing?

\- Ok but I'm busy at the moment.

\- And was that the reason for missing our jogging session yesterday?

\- Probably yes.

\- It's a shame. And why are you so busy, huh?

\- I'm preparing everything for Alice's departure.

\- I see. It's hard situation, she has lost her memory, there is nobody around who knows her and can help her …

I took that opportunity to explain and justify my actions. To make clear that my reasons were simple and there was nothing hidden behind.

\- And that's why I'm helping her. I want to organize all financial and formal issues for her, so she will be able to focus on getting better with her psychological health.

\- You are an angel Sue, don't you know that?

\- No way. I'm selfish.

I told that without consideration, but in fact maybe deliberately. It could start unwelcome talk, but I should be able to clear that or maybe I should be honest, after all, my actions probably had been obvious for everybody. Of course not that part, which included kissing Alice, but everybody there probably had been talking about poor, lonely Sue, who finally had gotten somebody to care about and to take her pain away.

\- What can be selfish in helping her?

\- I have something to focus on. Somebody to take care about. It's important for me.

She was silent. It was first deep and important sentence I had told her for ages. I was honest with her and she obviously appreciated it.

\- You are great person Sue, don't let anybody, including you, think otherwise.

She came closer and unexpectedly hugged me. It was … it was just simple and so warming. Amazing, long forgotten feeling of closure.

\- Thank you Linds. You are my best friend. Thank you.

\- You are welcome. I'm happy to be friend of such a wonderful person. But going back to Alice's case, her situation without family, without memory, ID, money, place to go ... it's horrible.

\- One thing that I could make easier for her is money issue, I have form for temporary ID and we will fulfill it today, and next week people from that bus company will come here to finish formalities connected with compensation for accident. So she will have temporary ID and money for the start.

\- And where do you think she should go?

\- I will talk to her about that, I could book some room for her, somewhere in the city, she shouldn't leave Camp Hill now, without memory.

\- Or maybe find her some free room at family house, she shouldn't be alone now, in some empty hotel's room.

\- You are right Linds, but where could I find that room, I don't know any ... – _"Wait, wait! It is brilliant!"_ I said to myself. I had not thought about that before but it was so obvious. – Thank you Linds.

\- For what?

\- You gave me the best idea for her living arrangements! – I was so excited. It was amazing opportunity to … I didn't know exactly what did I want to get from that, maybe delay of emptiness, but anyway I was thrilled about that idea.

\- What exactly are you grateful for, any details?

\- I will offer her one floor in my house, attic is furnished but hasn't been used for ages, it has also separate entrance so it will be perfect.

\- It wasn't my ideas, Sue. And I won't be so sure if it is good solution. – She was looking at me with anxiety and probably she was surprised too.

\- It's perfect. – But I was sure about that idea.

\- For her, yes maybe, but for you?

\- I'm so alone in that big house. – After telling that I realized that I went too far in that conversation. It was getting into dangerous direction.

\- But she is your patient, you shouldn't get more involved in her recovery, if you don't want to get hurt.

\- Hurt by what? – I asked as if I didn't know exactly what I should be afraid of.

\- By her departure, by her own life, when she reminds of the past she will leave Camp Hill, leaving you alone, even more lonely, don't you think?

\- No, maybe if it works well, I will start to rent that part of house commercially, later after her departure. – What a bullshit. And Lindsay was totally right, but I just wanted anything, little something, maybe only few days, even if that could bring a lot of sorrow in the future.

Once I had heard about that idea, I had been so stock that I couldn't let go of it. It was decided, even if I would regret it later, I was determined to offer her room in my own house.

\- If you are sure about it that's ok, I will not even try to change your mind. But don't say it was my idea. – She winked.

\- Maybe you didn't think about that particular solution but you pushed me to invent it, so anyway thank you Linds and don't worry I'm not type of person, who blames others instead of blaming myself.

\- I know. But I also don't want you to have some reasons to blame yourself. You did hurt enough.

\- Come on Linds, everything is getting better now. I'm better.

I decided to end that conversation to get, as soon as possible, a chance to talk to Alice. When I entered her room she was listening to song from my iPod.

 _I can still recall our last summer  
I still see it all  
Walks along the Seine, laughing in the rain  
Our last summer  
Memories that remain_

\- Will I ever be able to recall anything? – She asked me with longing gaze.

\- Definitely. Head's up!

\- Still the only one thing familiar for me it's your voice.

\- I hope that you don't remember my singing session, cause once I've launched out and started to sing …

\- I don't, but why shouldn't I?

\- Cause it was horrible.

\- No way, your voice is so nice.

\- But I can't use it to sing.

 _Those crazy years, that was the time  
Of the flower-power  
But underneath we had a fear of flying  
Of getting old, a fear of slowly dying  
We took the chance  
Like we were dancing our last dance_

She started to sing along with ABBA, then came closer, took my hand and tried to encourage me to sing with her. I just shook my head in "no" meaning and then smiled at her widely.

\- And you, Alice, you are definitely good at singing.

\- Thank you, but it was risky, cause I didn't know and didn't remember either how it would work out.

\- I see, but I know it about myself, so I will definitely skip every opportunity to sing in public.

\- I'm not a public.

\- You know what I mean. Anyway I'm here to talk to you about some important issues.

\- Enough of singing, nom I'm all ears.

She opened her blue eyes wider and started to look at me carefully. Close distance between two of us was distracting me, so I had to put more effort in staying focused on things I should discuss with her.

\- First of all, something we have to do to let you out of there. Without it you won't be able to function properly in the world.

\- What do you mean? Should I be scared?

\- No, no, it's just temporary ID. We have to fulfill it.

At that moment I realized that she was still holding my hand so I used it to pull her on the chair. I sat next to her, on the other site of small table and gave her forms. I was not ready to spend so many minutes in such a close distance to her blue eyes. They were to deep, so easy to sink in.

\- Every data is only a simulation. – I assured her after noticing confusion on her face.

\- But what should I write as my name, surname, birth date? – Evidently my words weren't working. She was about to start to cry.

\- We have to do this, it's a standard procedure for people with unknown identity. You won't be able to go out of hospital without documents. It's really necessary.

\- So maybe I should stay here?

\- No, Alice, first of all it is not possible, you are no longer in need for all day long medical care and secondlyit's not good for you. You have to start your coming back to normal life.

\- To what? I don't know what it was like. What it should look like.

She was so nervous, it was painful to see her in that state. I moved my chair closer to hers and embraced her.

\- I'm here for you and I will help you with everything. First step it's your temporary ID. And when you get it, officials from insurance firm will come to pay you money from transport company.

\- What do you mean? What money?

\- Every person injured in that accident, no matter of their social status, gets some compensation from transport company. From that amount of money your stay here was paid. Cause we didn't have any information about your medical insurance. And now you will get rest of money and in the future if you proved that you had valid medical insurance you would be able to get back those money spent on hospital.

\- So maybe after departing from here I will be able to pay for some place to live in meantime before I could find some work. – She smiled a little but still was devastated.

\- Yes of course, Alice, it's a big amount of money, so you don't have to worry about that. Now let's start to fill that form.

\- What should I write as my name?

\- It's only a temporary ID. You have to be identified with some data and photo in system, to be able to use medical care, not be arrested, can rent something, get your license, just everything you need to function in society. But it's only temporary, till moment you get back your memories.

\- So what should I write? Alice?

\- It would be ok.

\- And surname? It's not so easy … – She was definitely confused and depressed by that form. I didn't like to see her in that condition, but we had to go through that, there was no option to skip it.

\- According to instruction you could invent some potential surname or ask some person to let you use his or her surname.

\- Can I write yours? – She laughed. – Because I don't know anybody else to ask and I'm not into mood of inventing names.

\- Ooo ... ok.

\- No, Susan. I was joking, you don't have to agree. It's stupid.

\- No it's not stupid. Alice Willsburn sounds very nice. Don't you think?

\- Yes, indeed but I shouldn't. It's inappropriate to borrow your name … I will think about it later, but what's about my age? It's even harder. I'm quite young, but how old, what do you think Sue?

\- According to your medical results you are between 18 and 28 years old. – I tried to be serious, I had to stop myself from laughing. She was making funny faces in front of the mirror probably to prove that she was young, crazy teenager or maybe she was searching for wrinkles.

\- You could testify it with medical apparatuses?

\- No, it's only some brain age tests. But as you look at yourself in the mirror, you could easily see that 22 is the upper limit.

\- You are joking, Sue, right? I'm not older than 20, I should be mad at you for that. – She started to laugh freely ... and I joined her. It was so nice to laugh with her, to laugh with somebody.

\- So write down 20 here. I'm sure that somehow I could prove it with medical theories. And now only your signature, your identifying number will be added automatically and we have to send photo with it. Could I take it now?

\- Now?! I don't have any make-up.

\- You don't need it!

She shook her head with disbelief but let me take photo with my cell phone.

\- Ok, so ID is almost ready. Remember to add surname. Now, in about 30 minutes you will have meeting with doctor Antonio Cavanagh, he is one of the best psychologist in our state, he has many successes in bringing memory back.

\- That's great. I can't wait. Sue?

\- Hmm?

\- Do you think that there is some internet cafe or something, just to let me use internet.

\- I can give you my notebook if you need it, it has wireless Internet. I don't use it here, I have another one at home and here I have also my private second one. So it's not a problem.

\- No, it's too much ... Susan, you are doing too much for me.

\- Helping somebody, can't be too much.

\- But I feel embarrassed, and there is no way I can thank you.

\- You can thank me by feeling better, it's what doctors are for.

\- You are too good to me. I don't deserve that.

\- Don't say that. You deserve to have somebody to care for you. And I play that role, ok?

\- Ok … I'm so grateful for everything you have done for me.

\- You are welcome.

I felt uncomfortable with her words, cause I knew my own benefits from helping her. I went out and came back to her with my laptop in 5 minutes.

\- Here you go.

\- Thank you again. – She came closer and kissed me on the cheek. I jumped slightly, feeling that I was blushing. I had to say something, quickly, to cover my embarrassment.

\- While surfing on Internet don't forget about meeting with doctor Cavanagh.

\- Of course, I won't. I just want later, in free time, to look for some hotels or rooms in neighborhood. Now I'm not ready to leave Camp Hill, I don't know where I could go so I have to find some place to live, here in the city.

\- Yes I know, I have thought about it before.

\- You have thought about everything I see.

I considered that for the last time _"Should I offer her that or not? Will it be too much? Could she feel trapped by my care? Is it appropriate? Is it the first time in my life when I don't care about what people could think about my actions? Should I? Am I doing it for her or for myself? Stop Susan, just ask her!"_

\- To make it clear, it's only an option, if you don't want it, it will be ok. I won't be mad or anything.

\- Ok, so what is about?

\- I have really big house, most of it is empty, I use few rooms and one whole floor about 80 m2, is totally unused, there is one bedroom, living room and bathroom and separate entrance, it used to be ... it doesn't matter anyway, it's empty now.

\- Are you looking for some new tenants?

\- Yes, I can say so.

\- Wow. But do you think that I can afford it with that money from ...

\- Yes, absolutely, I don't want any ... – I stopped cause I shouldn't say that I didn't want anything, cause it would be really strange. – ... I don't want any big money for that.

\- It would be great, but I don't want to interrupt you or anything.

\- It's impossible. It will be nice not to be alone there.

\- If you said so. For me it will be nice to be close to only person I know.

\- Great, so deal?

\- Deal.

We didn't have more time to discuss more details. I heard knocking on door. It was doctor Antonio, I greeted him and left them alone. I was content, I felt that everything what I was doing was not so selfish after all. Alice appreciated it, it was good for her, I really could help her and at the same moment it would give me some more time with her, while I should get some idea what to do next, what should I focus on when she would go away, but I needed that time cause now I had no idea.

Two hours long talk with doctor Antonio was nice. Unfortunately it didn't bring my memory back in any magical way, but helped me to clear my mind a little. We were talking about my feelings, mostly about fear, being lost, confused. He helped me to name these feelings. Talking about them helped me to find some ideas to fight with them. He taught me how to react to emptiness. I should focus on any familiar thing and should build my peace around them. Identity was so important for everybody so lack of it could destroy us. And he showed me how to build my identity.

\- You can't get your memory when you try too hard. You should relax, live and then it just will come back. If you wait you will only create more emptiness, you should fulfill your mind with new memories, new interests, new things, and then old ones will join then. You can't focus only on the past, because then you will not only don't get it back but also lose your chance for bright present time and future.

He was so intelligent and impressed me so much with these words, which were amazingly true. We tried that technique with building identity with some short psychological test. He asked me questions about simple things like my favorite color. I didn't know that, but after he showed me palette with different colors I chose the one I admired the most – the red one, I didn't know why but I thought that it was my favorite color. We did the same test with some short music fragments, then he gave me different bakes to taste.

\- Of course that now we can't recreate everything from your past in that way, I just want you to understand that you can't locked yourself in some shelter waiting for your past to come back, you have to start new live and someday something will be that thing, which let you get inside your memory. Some impulse, you wouldn't be able to feel if you didn't do anything but waiting.

\- Doctor, you are a genius! Now everything is clear, I have to focus on new life to get my old one.

I felt so much better after that conversation. I wanted to thank Sue for finding that man for me. Thinking about her, I had so many things to be grateful for. I wish that she could spend more time here with me, but maybe she had a lot of other patients to care about.

Lyrics used in this chapter

 _Rihanna "We found love"_

 _ABBA "Our last summer"_


	22. Chapter 22

**CHAPTER 22 – Let me out!**

 ** _New York, 2015, 7_** ** _th_** ** _of January_**

 _"_ _Santana Lopez you are starting new chapter in your life, new chapter, in which there is no place for Brittany S. Pierce, cause Britt I used to know doesn't exist anymore. And there will be no more heartbreaks anymore."_ – with that thought I had left Nikki's apartment on January 1st, 2015. Now, after six days, and few hours I was more sure than ever that it wouldn't be so simple and also that I shouldn't have used sex to get her out of my mind. It just didn't work at all. Last few days had been like nightmare. Like in typical nightmare, the worst part weren't these things, you were dreaming about, but the fact that you couldn't stop it or escape from it. And lately I had been feeling exactly that way – that there was no way out, that it was fucking closed circle.

 ** _New York, 2015, 1_** ** _st_** ** _of January_**

I woke up about 8 PM. In my own bed, with the worst headache in history. I knew exactly what had happened, but I hoped that I could pretend that I had memory loss caused by alcohol. Other way it would be too compromising and embarrassing to face Nikki, and I wouldn't be able to escape it, cause she still was my boss. It was nightmare, nothing else like typical nightmare.

\- Hello lovebird. I hear you are moving, and here I'm to check on you.

\- Kurt, I'm not in the mood for …

\- For a little tete-a-tete? – Rachel showed up like his shadow. It couldn't be worse, or maybe it could …

\- What do you both want from me?

\- Maybe little more details about yesterday's events at Nikki's bathroom? – Rachel face was showing mixture of concern, frustration and curiosity. It could and definitely was worse than I had expected.

\- It was today, after midnight, not yesterday. Don't mess up. – Kurt added with little smile on his face.

He was definitely blissful. Hangover didn't take away my sense of observation. But I didn't understand what the hell were they talking about, cause I was sure that I hadn't been talking with them about … I didn't even know how to define it. It wasn't love making, it wasn't typical sex, some one night stand, or maybe adventure or what?! It wasn't nothing like that, so what was it? _"Santana Lopez with tears in her eyes and some tomboy girl licking her pussy in bathroom, on New Year's Eve party. How could I call it? Fuck!"_

\- Santana, don't be shy. Waiting, waiting, waiting for more spicy details. We are happy that you are ready for the new beginning, right Kurt?

\- Yes, yes, definitely yes. We are. Fingers crossed for you and Nikki. Finally there won't be more dark days with fights over cornflakes.

\- What the hell are you talking about? And why are you repeating your own words? What new beginning? Spicy details? You are both insane.

\- So there was no sex at that bathroom?

\- Fuck off and get out of my room!

They were not happy about that but agreed to lave. Fuck, I wasn't aware that I had told them about that bathroom-meeting with Nikki. Or maybe I hadn't, but they had seen something, it would be even worse cause could mean that somebody else might have noticed it too. It wasn't good. Not at all. I didn't know what to think about that whole situation and while they knew, it would be much harder to think straight. They would be pushing me or throwing in their two cents. " _Fuck, fuck, fuck! What should I do? Pretending that nothing happened – not so mature and impossible in that circumstances, why did I tell them, fuck! Start dating Nikki – I'm not ready and maybe never will be. Tell her that I used her for my crazy reasons – she is still my boss, it's not reasonable. Other option?"_ There was only emptiness in my head. Trying to figure out something to cure that situation, I fell asleep again …

 ** _New York, 2015, 2_** ** _nd_** ** _of January_**

… unfortunately I woke up without any idea how to handle that situation. And I had to mention that also my New Year's resolution had failed. My wet dream, starring Brittany S. Pierce, had come back. And it had been glorious coming back – the massive one. The tension was too strong, and I was too wet. Even if it wasn't typical for me to play with myself, I had to do that. I walked on the tiptoe to the door, closed it quietly and came back to bed. I took off my panties, touched my labia and pressed hard my clitoris. I didn't have a lot of work to do, I only needed few stronger movements and presses to get high. It took away all thoughts but only for few minutes. Then all my concerns came back with double power. _"What should I tell Nikki, at work on Monday, it is 3, 4, no 3 days left, hm? Hi, boss, how are you? – as nothing happened or should I meet her before to … to what?"._ I decided to make second round with myself. It was even shorter than previous time and again left me without any new solutions. " _Britt, why the hell won't you leave me alone? Couldn't I think about anybody else than you, even during masturbation? After all Nikki was quite good at … fuck, I don't want to think about her either and …_ " My hand once again went down on me. " _Maybe after all it will be better to be completely alone, Santana – your hands are quite good at that job …_ "

About noon, I was too tired of thinking and … anyway I decided to leave my seclusion. I joined Rachel and Kurt in living room. The minute I walked in, they stopped their conversation.

\- Hello, both of you. – I tried to provide best of smiles on my face.

\- Hi lovebird. Now you have to tell us everything.

I didn't have strength to fight or run away, so I told them. Everything. Also the reason hidden beneath. I saw by reaction that they were disappointed that it hadn't been the new beginning but some very old mess.

 ** _New York, 2015, 3_** ** _rd_** ** _and 4_** ** _th_** ** _of January_**

I spent whole Saturday and Sunday in bed. I pretended that I was ill. It was easier to stay at bed, to avoid another conversation with Kurt and Rachel. I didn't want to explain them again why it was so hard for me to start something new, why again and again I had been dreaming about Britt, how could I explain that properly, while I didn't know the answer. Pretending to be ill was good idea, they were too afraid that they might infect themselves so our communication was limited to short talks through the door. Their big day with " _Chicago_ " premiere was coming so any risk of vice injuries had to be minimized. Thanked to that fact I was left with my thoughts and fears totally alone. And now after 48 hours I could say that maybe it was easier but still very hard. I couldn't get away from constant feeling of embarrassment. I felt totally ashamed. First of all because of the fact that I had had sex with Nicole, my boss, who wasn't quite in my type – no, not quite but totally not in my type. Secondly, because the reasons beneath that situation were too frightening and strange to handle, I didn't want to accept that Brittany still had so strong impact on my life. How could I let her control my behavior from some unknown place, where she obviously didn't think and care about me anymore. Why I still had to care about her? Why did I let her do that to me? Why had I made love with my boss to stop thinking about her and most important – why it hadn't helped at all? Thirdly the fact that sex I had offered Nikki had been so selfish and strange, that wasn't helpful either. Even if you decided to have one night stand, and fatally chose boss to be your partner, who would be so dumb to offer awful sex-alike thing. Could I even call it sex, while I had been standing there like a pillar, with tears in my eyes and just had done nothing to satisfy my partner, while she had been doing her best to give me orgasm. I was sure that I wouldn't be able to look Nikki into eyes. And I definitely couldn't talk with her either, with her sense of humor and teasing, in that situation she would simply destroy me.

 ** _New York, 2015, 5_** ** _th_** ** _of January_**

I wished so badly that I had some meeting outside office planned for that day. But unfortunately I didn't so 5 minutes past 9 AM I was still standing around the corner, thinking about how to say hallo to Nikki, without directly looking at her and without contacting her at all. I couldn't invent anything so I gave up and decided to face the inevitable. I pushed the door and walked in. She wasn't in the hall, maybe she had already come to her office and I would be able to go to mine, unnoticed.

\- Hallo Santana. How are you in new 2015?

\- Hi Peter. It's ok. And your?

\- Couldn't be better. Last days were the best four days of my life. I proposed to my girlfriend, now fiancé, on New Year's Eve, but you probably know that. After fireworks, on the roof and since then we …

\- Yes, yes I have noticed. – I interrupted him, cause I wasn't interested in any details about his sexual life and I hadn't noticed his proposal either, but who cared. And I wanted to go to my office as soon as possible, but he decided to finish his sentence anyway.

\- And since then we have been making love constantly for 24/7. But we were not alone, probably? – He smiled mysteriously. I panicked. It would be a disaster if besides Kurt and Rachel and Nikki of course, there were more people who knew, who had seen us or heard?

\- What do you mean?

\- Didn't you see that after midnight there were no empty spaces in Nikki's apartment? All bedrooms, her office, even bathroom, every place was occupied with couples. So we had to use our imagination little more but shhh … it's a secret.

\- I even don't want to know. So you can keep your secret. Anyway …

\- But San, come closer. I will tell you another hot story.

\- What?

\- Nikki took few days out of work, and it's not exactly in her style, so now it could be confirmed that she has someone new in her life. I bet that she was the one who used bathroom.

\- Bathroom … what do you mean? – I was barely able to stand on my feet. I wanted to scream and run away.

\- Santana, did you completely lose your sense of observation? What other reason than new girlfriend could make her escape from work, she is workaholic.

\- Maybe. But bathroom? – Why the hell I was going back to that topic. I was such a fool. But there was something positive in all that, now I could think for few more days how to handle conversation with Nikki, or how to plan all appointments for next month into two first weeks of January, to spend all days outside the office. It would be excellent.

\- Nikki was leaving bathroom with somebody, I saw her but didn't see who was with her.

\- Don't be a gossiper Peter, it's not nice. – Anyway I smiled at him as if I thought otherwise. I was relieved. My secret was safe, maybe not fully, but more safe than 2 minutes ago.

I came to my office but couldn't focus on working. My mind was still spinning around two topics – Nikki and sex. Sex and Brittany. Maybe that were more than two topics. But definitely my mind was spinning and I couldn't stop it. _"Sex, Britt, bathroom, Nikki, work, boss, masturbation, Britt, dreaming, love, sex, sex, Britt, Britt, STOP IT, sex, I DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT THAT, being a single, masturbation, bathroom, tears, loneliness, Nikki, Britt, Take my breath away, work, FOCUS, appointments, sex, Nikki, CALL HER, sex, FOR WHAT, Santana = stupid, aaaaaaaaa …"_

 ** _New York, 2015, 7_** ** _th_** ** _of January_**

The fact that Nicole hadn't been at work since Monday and that I hadn't seen her since THAT night was good and bad at the same time. I even tried to think about pluses and minuses of that situation, but still my head was spinning in crazy way, so I had to write it down.

 _"_ _+": I don't have to feel ashamed, there is no need to invent some way to talk to her without mentioning that, I don't have to clear that we are not a couple … yet, she is not making jokes at me, she definitely would do it, as always, but now will add some sex connected things into it, what's more? …_

 _"_ _-": later it could be harder to start normal conversation, maybe she has run away because of me and when she will be back … I don't know what could she do, but she probably won't fire me … no it's not an option, I would sue her for mobbing … I haven't thought about that before … it's a bullshit, it was me who … I don't want to think about that … I miss her … what? …_

\- No way, I don't mi…!

\- Do you miss me, or?

\- What are you doing here Nikki?

\- Working, most of the time … but now sometimes we could take bathroom brake instead of going for lunch, don't you think? – She laughed but it wasn't sarcastic or uncomfortable, it was just jokingly way to defuse the situation. And it was the best way.

\- No, it was one time thing.

\- I was joking, San. Don't freak out.

\- I know, but I don't want any misunderstandings, is it clear?

\- Yes, it's clear. I see that we are coming back to the start, with clearing everything up. – She smiled at me and winked. And then came closer, gave me her hand and simply said something, that brought back my peace.

\- Friends, ok? – She waited for me to nod. – And friends could talk about everything but don't have to talk about things, which are left in the past and forgotten, deal?

\- Deal. – I looked at her with dose of relief. I couldn't dream about better reaction. – Thank you.

\- You were quite static but you have to admit that I was good, really good. – She looked at me teasingly. – But shhhh. Nothing has happened after all.

\- Yes. – I looked her into eyes and I saw that she really meant that. That was no big deal for her. She was cool about that and I could breathe another sigh of relief, she let me out from my nightmare. One less problem to take care of. I could give up my embarrassment. But would I be liberated from my obsession about Britt and stick to my New Year's resolution? Only time could answer that question …


	23. Chapter 23 - Back to blackred

**CHAPTER 23 – Back to black/ red**

 ** _Camp Hill, 2015, 12_** ** _th_** ** _of January_**

 _"_ _My name is Alice, Alice Jones"_. According to temporary ID, which I was holding in my hand, I was Alice Jones born on 1st of January in 1993. It was good that I had chosen that surname, borrowing name from Susan would be too strange. She had done enough for me, and today in the afternoon, she would take me home. To her home, which would be also mine, for week, month, year … I didn't know. As doctor Antonio had said, I shouldn't focus on getting my memory back, but on living and recreating memories. " _So Alice, don't think about time when you get your past back, enjoy present and future_ ". I didn't realize that I told that aloud, unless I heard somebody's voice.

\- Very reasonable approach, I'm proud of you.

\- Hi Danny. Thank you. But I don't have copyright for that sentence, it is just quote from somebody definitely more intelligent than me.

\- Don't be so raw for yourself.

\- I'm not, it just that I don't even know if I used to be intelligent or stupid, if in school I was an outsider or cheerleader. I don't know anything about myself.

\- It doesn't matter but I'm sure that you used to be queen of high school, with your beauty and sense of humor it was only one possible option.

\- Are you picking me up? Or what?

\- Maybe.

He smiled at me and was about to say something more but at that moment Susan came in.

\- Good morning Alice. Hello Danny. – She smiled at me widely and then looked at him with unreadable look.

\- Hey doc, what's up?

It was jokingly and also a little flirty, like he called her "doc". Something personal was in that nickname, maybe they were close friends or even something more. But they didn't act like lovers. Hmm … why the hell was I thinking about that, it was not my business after all.

\- Alice are you listening to me?

\- I'm sorry Susan, I get lost in my thoughts.

\- I see that, but we have to finish some formal stuff.

\- I'm so afraid of all formalities, so I'm running away. Bye girls and Alice, good luck outside hospital. I hope that we can meet in the future.

\- Of course, we can meet. I'm staying in Camp Hill at Susan's place so ...

\- Really? – He looked at me, then at her. They couldn't be lovers cause he was totally surprised and even didn't want to hide it.

\- Yes, for now Alice will rent attic from me. I think it's the best option, it's like separate apartment, with own entrance and …

\- Ok, ok, Susan calm down. I'm not telling that it's something wrong with that. You don't have to defend yourself, doc.

\- So why were you so surprised?

\- I don't know. Is that important?

\- Susan, Danny, could you both calm down? Is there any problem with this if …

\- No. – They said at the same moment.

After that strange conversation, Danny hugged me, wished me luck one more time and left. Susan was definitely upset or at least nervous about something. I was afraid but had to ask her if she was sure about her earlier offer.

\- Susan are you sure?

\- About what?

\- My moving in? – I looked at her with uncertainty. All that living arrangements stuff was like something unreal, like a dream, something between nightmare and beautiful fantasy. I couldn't make up my mind about it. I didn't know what to think, maybe she also had some second thoughts.

\- Yes, I'm sure but maybe you have some other, I mean better option.

\- No. – I said immediately, cause in her voice for the first time I had heard something like anger or disappointment. I decided to let it be and swim with the tide. And of course I didn't have any other option.

\- That's great cause everything is ready.

\- What do you mean exactly?

\- Some cleaning, tiding etc. But I came here for a different purpose. In one hour we have meeting with insurance company. Are you ready?

\- Do you think that I look good in that dress from Lindsay?

\- Yes, it's nice. But today it's cold, so you need something more. I have coat for you in my office.

\- Don't bother, I have some sweater from Becky. So yes, I'm ready.

\- If you say so. But it's really cold, it's January and we are in Pennsylvania. Don't forget about it.

\- I will try, but still I don't know what does it mean.

\- It's just cold, like on Siberia.

\- I don't know anything about that, either.

\- So you have to go, and check it. And then we could come back for jacket. – She smiled at me but I noticed that she was still nervous about something. Probably not about that dress, sweater or her jacket, which I had refused.

On our way I signed my excerpt from hospital, thanked nurses for taking care of me, once again looked around, and then left. I left the only one place in the universe I had known, and went out into that unknown big world. I had to chase away request for immediate comeback of my memory, cause I had to stick to doctor's advice " _Live and don't wait. But how could that life go by without past? What could I do for living?"._ My mind was spinning and I felt anxiety, maybe it was the result of the first contact with cool January air, or maybe I was afraid of that unfamiliar world.

\- Alice we can't stand here any longer, you are shaking. I told you that today was cold.

\- What?

\- Let's go to the car if you don't want to come back here with pneumonia.

I wasn't moving as if I couldn't understand her words. I could but I was paralyzed with fear. I was afraid of my life without past. I couldn't change it. And hospital – it was like safe haven and indeed I didn't want to leave. Susan was staring at me, more and more afraid. Finally she took my hand, her fingers were so warm. Then I felt that mine were so ossified. It woke me up from that apathy. I let her guide me to the car. - Alice I know it's not easy, but you should … - Maybe I want to come back here with pneumonia. – I didn't know, if I was serious or if I was joking. Everything was too confusing. - Nice, really nice. Telling something like that to person, who has saved your life. Thank you for appreciating my work. I didn't have time to defend myself, cause she furiously launched car and at that moment quite loud music started to play. We were driving in "silence", filled with loud music, for about 10 minutes, then Susan parked car in underground garage. - We are on the spot. – Her voice was calmer now, but still there was some nervous tones in it. I followed her to the lift and on the last floor, we entered Italian restaurant. - Reservation for name Willsburn. - This way. Your guests are already waiting. Two men were waiting for us at the table. They told me about my rights and transport company's duties toward me. They gave me some papers to sign. I was shocked that after payment for health care, I would get 45000$. Even not remembering who I had been, I could assume that I had never had such amount of money. And it had been already paid in my account, that Susan had helped me to open during last week. When we left that table, I felt that I had to do something to throw away Susan's bad mood. Finally I was able to do something to thank her and maybe to say "Sorry" for my previous behavior and stupid talks about pneumonia.

\- Do you like shopping? – I asked her.

\- It depends but why?

\- So maybe you like sweets, ice cream or something?

\- Yes, maybe.

\- Please Susan, let me do something to say thank you and to apologize.

\- You don't have to.

\- But I want to, so please let me.

\- So I choose shopping. You need some clothes, especially warmer ones.

\- I know that now, but I want to buy something for you, as gift. Deal? – I looked at her with mixture of begging and ordering in my eyes.

\- Deal. But we should focus mostly on filling your wardrobe. Ok?

\- Ok, ok.

We were passing by shops' windows when I spotted some beautiful dress. It was perfect – red, tight, with V-shape neckline – it was perfect for … I was sure that it was perfect for certain somebody, but not for me. Anyway I found only emptiness in my mind. But that dress was really beautiful and definitely would be perfect for Susan … too.

\- Do you like that red one?

\- Me? – She looked at me with funny face. Something between " _Are you kidding me?_ " and " _I would like to, but I'm afraid to try._ "

\- Don't you like red color?

\- I like it … yes I do, but where can I wear it? It's too elegant for hospital, don't you think?

\- In that dress you would bring back people from coma in the speed of light.

\- It's not fair Alice.

\- Please, just try it. I was joking about coma, but it would be nice for some family dinner or date, hmm? – She looked at me with some strange emptiness in her eyes and probably even with little tear drops in eye corners. Or maybe it was only game of lights from window's spotlight.

\- Ok, let's do it.

I was waiting on the chair in front of the changing room. It had been quite long time since Susan disappeared beneath curtain to try on that dress. I had been little inpatient already.

\- Do you need some help out there? – I asked her rather rhetorical, to show that I didn't like that waiting at all.

\- Hmm … unfortunately yes … – She whispered looking at me through curtain.

\- Really? Somebody is not used to dresses at all? – I told that without malicious, but when I joined her in dressing room and saw that she was trying to get herself free from red material, I laughed aloud.

\- Don't you dare to start laughing Alice! It was your idea.

\- I'm sorry, but you look so funny, like little lost child.

It was easier than I predicted, she just forgot to open zipper and because of it she got trapped in that dress – no way in or out. But when we solved that issue, the result was amazing. She looked gorgeous, and I had to express that.

\- Wow, brunettes look perfect in red.

\- How do you know that?

\- I have no idea, but look in the mirror, it's so true.

\- Not so bad, but I don't know if it is worth all that stress.

\- Zipper-stress free dress? It wouldn't be so sexy.

\- If you said so, Alice, an expert in brunettes in red?!

\- We take it!

I helped her to unzip that dress and then went to make a payment. Indeed she looked fabulous in that dress, but I couldn't get rid of foreboding that red dress could mean something more. I didn't have idea what could it be, but it was pumping in my head.

\- Susan, I want to thank you for everything you have done for me, I know that dress is totally not enough but it's just a beginning.

\- It's enough, it's even too much, I told you that before. Thank you Alice.

\- No, it's me who want to and need to thank you.

\- But I want to thank you for that dress. It's beautiful.

We spent few hours in that mall, I squandered some money on clothes and shoes for myself. We had fun during all that trying, I felt like a supermodel on the catwalk, but when we finally wasn't able to pick up any more shopping bags, Susan decided that it was time to go home. So now we were on our way home, to her home, which could be mine for some time. Confusion, confusion and once more confusion. After relaxing shopping now it all came back with double power.

\- Here we are. – Susan parked car on a driveway in front of some big and elegant house, it had to be her house, which would be mine too, so maybe I could call it something like … our house. – Alice, are you sleeping?

\- No.

\- So, are you ready?

\- And you?

\- Yes of course. Why shouldn't I be?

\- And I?

\- I don't know, just asking. – She smiled at me. Now I was ready.

\- So let's go. I want to see my new home … could I call it that way?

\- Yes, of course. – She got out of car, opened my door and pulled me by the hand.

We came in through main entrance. It was rather residence than ordinary house. Marble floor, wide wood stairs, big mirrors on both sides of the hall, which had probably more than 10 meters. I felt intimidated and she must have spotted that.

\- Don't worry Alice, your part of the house is more cozy.

We passed by the first floor and then on the second floor we stopped in front of closed doors. Susan took key from the cabinet and gave it to me.

\- It's yours. I hope that you will like it and that you will feel comfortable here. Like at home.

I turned the key. I didn't know why but at that moment I thought about Alice from Wonderland, I reminded that I had seen movie about her, but I couldn't remember anything more. At that certain moment I felt like Alice, while she was curiously opening door to Wonderland or … maybe that wasn't door at all.

\- Whether is it door?

\- Excuse me?

\- Nothing, it's silly.

\- What?

\- Just … turning that key I felt like Alice from Wonderland, but I don't remember if the way to Wonderland is through some door or something else.

\- I think that is rabbit hole.

\- Ok, I give up, my memory completely fails.

\- Don't complain, at least you remember Alice.

\- I need to learn how to see positive site of everything.

\- Not only you.

\- Really?

\- Stop that talking, and just come in, I'm curious if you like your new home.

\- Ok.

That part of the house was like separate luxury apartment – living room with glass table for four people, big sofa and flat TV, kitchenette, bedroom with king size bed, beautiful bathroom with both bath and shower. Everything in modern design and so elegant.

\- Wow.

\- So you like it?

\- How could I not like it. Hmm? Everything looks so beautiful, elegant, new and …

\- It's almost new. But … no matter. I'm happy that you like it.

She showed me how to use everything in kitchen, how to contact her via interphone, how to connect to wireless Internet, where was separate entrance. I paid her for the first month. Now, after visiting mall, I was sure that 100 $ for month was ridiculously low bid, but Susan didn't accept any discussion it that matter. She obviously didn't need that money, she didn't want it either. It was strange, but I didn't want to think about it, maybe it was just another good deed on her list.

\- Now Alice, I can leave you here to relax, to … just relax after eventful day, ok?

\- Don't you want to stay here with me for awhile? – I asked her like disappointed kid. I shouldn't, I didn't have any right to take all of her free time, after all she had her own life. It didn't matter that I didn't have mine.

\- It's 9 PM and tomorrow I have to be at hospital early, so I really need to go.

\- Of course. I'm sorry. I just … just have to get myself together on my own.

\- That's right. So good night Alice. Have nice dreams.

\- Thank you, I hope for some wonderful dream at new amazing place.

\- Bye.

\- Good night Sue.

It was 9.30 PM, there was nothing interesting on 102 TV channels I had already skipped. I wasn't sleepy at all, it was too early. I had no idea which time used to be my regular time to sleep, but I was rather like an owl. I still had Sue's iPod. Yes, I could listen to the music. Maybe something could bring my … No, no, no … I should listen to the music to enjoy it, to have fun, maybe to dance to it and definitely not as a reminder. Hmm … I turned it on and pressed "shuffle".

 _I've never seen you looking so lovely as you did tonight,  
I've never seen you shine so bright,  
I've never seen so many men ask you if you wanted to dance,  
They're looking for a little romance, given half a chance,  
And I have never seen that dress you're wearing,  
Or the highlights in your hair that catch your eyes,  
I have been blind._

It was too slowly and … boring. I didn't like it, it couldn't have been one of my favorites unless coma had changed me and my musical tastes completely.

 _The lady in red is dancing with me, cheek to cheek,  
There's nobody here, it's just you and me_

I didn't have time to turn if off before I heard that verse. " _Lady in red_ " – funny coincidence, Susan had been lady in red few hours before. And she indeed had been looking lovely in that dress.

 _It's where I want to be,  
But I hardly know this beauty by my side,  
I'll never forget the way you look tonight_

I wished that she had wanted to stay there a little longer. That apartment was definitely too large for one lonely person. We could have fun, dance to that song, talk, could do everything. But what everything could mean? Once again confusion hit me. What could I want or expect from her? Honestly – nothing. I had already gotten more than I could embrace with my mind – saving life, bringing back from coma, home, money from insurance, arrangement of all formal issues … nice name! … and friendship, yes I hoped that I would also get friendship from Susan. And what could I give her in return, besides one nice red dress, I didn't know. I had no idea, cause I wasn't able to imagine what could she want or need.

Few hours later, after pointless walking from one corner to another with the accompaniment of different melodies, I was lying in that king size bed. But I was sure that I wouldn't sleep well that night. It was the first night of my new life, I was too scared. I was afraid that without past, all my evenings and nights, would be so fucking long and hopelessly lonely.

9 PM it wasn't my time for bed, since … just never. But I couldn't spend more time with Alice, it wasn't safe. I had acted like a fool when I had heard her conversation with Danny. And I didn't have any rights to be jealous or angry at her for flirting with men or other women. I didn't have any rights connected with her life. And I shouldn't have any expectations either.

I came back to living room to find something to occupy myself for next few sleepless hours. Maybe I should bring photo album, now hidden in my bedroom – no, not for today, I was too excited, I would pass by all pages for too short time which would drive me to conclusion that in every dimension Lizzie's life had been too short. I couldn't let myself cry. During her first night there Alice could need me for something. Maybe, Internet – no, no, no … when Alice had been unzipping that red dress, she had touched my back and neck in such way, which had given me so intense inside shaking, that surfing through Internet that night could bring me only to "bad" sites. So maybe I could make something for dinner for tomorrow. Yes, that was great and safe idea.

I had spent about three hours in the kitchen, preparing roast veal with herbs. But later again I found myself alone and too awake, that time in my bed. For the first time in my life I was sharing house with woman, and by woman I meant woman that I could be potentially attracted to. Maybe sharing wasn't perfect word to describe that situation, as well as potentially combined with attracted to, but anyway it was completely new experience. There couldn't be any other result of that than sleepless night. One more long and hopelessly lonely night, but that time not as result of crying or suffering.

After few hours of unsuccessful attempts of getting into sleep, I stood up and came to the window. It was unusually bright night. Full moon was bigger than I could remember. The stars were shining in the sky. It was beautiful night. Everything could be perfect if I was able to change my life … when I thought about that, I got haunted by remorse _"How could I even think about any perfectness while my daughter was dead, and it has happened because of me, mostly because of THAT sick part of me, which now are trying to convince me to get deeper in that sin."_

Lyrics used in this chapter

 _Chris_ _DeBurgh "_ _Lady in red"_


	24. Chapter 24 - Am I ready for real waking

**CHAPTER 24 – Am I ready for real waking up?**

 ** _Camp Hill, 2015, 13_** ** _th_** ** _of January_**

When I saw her white gown, I was sure that I knew what would happen next. I had dreamt that dream too many times to be able to feel excitement before the final. She turned around and then image blurred. Her face was covered with big grey stain. I opened my eyes and saw that clock on night table showed 4.05 AM. It was too early to wake up, especially after about two hours of sleep. But it was also impossible to push myself back in that dream. I simply didn't want to explore it again, cause I didn't have hope for different ending. I had no idea what that dream could mean. But it had to be something very important, other way why would I dream the same sentence so many times. I remembered that I had dreamt it even during coma, or shortly before. It was so strange.

\- What do you want to tell me, stranger? … Yes, I'm talking to you! To you, girl from my dream.

I hoped that sessions with doctor Antonio could help me with discovering reasons for repeatability of that dream. Maybe he would teach me how to dream that dream to its full ending.

\- Who are you girl without a face? Let me guess … maybe you are me, before accident, maybe I was about to get married in that dress? And something horrible has happened and that was the reason for my memory loss? What do you think?

I was talking to myself. I hoped that it wasn't some early symptom of craziness.

\- … No, no, no … I don't think so … I felt rather as if she was looking at me, even without face and eyes, and I was standing somewhere there looking at her. So who the hell are you?

I got up from bed. I came to window. It was quite light, because of full moon. I could easily see that Susan's garden was like big desolate wilderness, now only lightly covered with snow. Probably her devotion for work had prevented her from taking care of these trees. Maybe I could do it for her as a thanking gesture. I tried to look around to see how much had to be done. Definitely a lot … crossing the shrubs and flowerbeds my eyes stopped at the corner, where sandbox was situated. It could mean that some kids had been living there before. It would justify size of that house and garden, it wasn't place designed for a single woman. That thought brought me to another possible explanation of my dream.

\- Maybe you are my mother … duh it's stupid. Even without face you look too young for that, but still you could be my sister. Yes, my sister getting married or going to some ball, and me accompanying her in that empty halls. Eureka! It could be prom at high school, these halls look like high school a lot. But how do I actually know what halls in high school look like?

Again strongly confused, I looked at moon. It was beautiful. At that moment in my mind I heard some song, and unreasonably had to sing that verse.

 _When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie  
That's amore That's amore_

 _When the world seems to shine like you've had too much wine  
That's amore That's amore_

I was confused even more than few seconds ago. I had no idea, what was that about, how could I know it, the lyrics and melody just came to me from nowhere. It sounded in my mouth like some old Italian classic. So why the hell I had to sing that. Why my brain remembered some stupid lyrics about pizza moon and everything else was forgotten.

\- But anyway, brain and mind works on their own rules. That song which came to my mouth from unknown place and … more important that fucking unfinished dream, which I dreamed over and over again? About sister? … Maybe we are twins. You are a genius Alice! Yes. It would explain a lot. Twins could connect without phones and … Maybe you are calling me to help me with coming back home? Maybe you will try to connect me via this moon …

Once again I looked through the window to get more inspiration or some feelings from moon, but quickly hid behind the curtain, cause I saw some shadow walking from house to direction of garden swing. It was Susan. What the hell was she doing at … I looked at the clock, at 4.35 AM, in garden looking at full moon? For me that night was definitely too strange, fortunately the end was close. I didn't know it had been typical for me or not, but without thinking I decided to make everything even more strange, I put some jacket on and used my own staircase to get to the garden.

\- Hi … some sleepwalking in the light of moon?

Susan probably didn't notice me cause when I told that, she jumped and looked at me with terrified gaze.

\- I'm sorry. I didn't want to scare you.

\- What are you doing here? It's early.

\- I know. But it's better question what are you doing here? You have to work tomo … today.

\- Honestly?

\- Yes of course! I don't buy some bull … some cheap excuse.

\- Sit down next to me and see.

I joined her on that swing. I felt light, pleasurable rocking. It was cold, even freezing, but I didn't care.

\- Do you see that star, that little one next to great bear.

\- I'm not sure which one do you …

\- The light one!

\- Yes, I think so. – I looked in the direction showed by Susan's pointing finger.

\- It's small but …

\- But indeed it's very light.

\- Yes, that's true. And it's … mine. So I come to enjoy its beauty.

\- What do you mean, Sue?

\- Everybody could have a personal star at skyline. But the price is so high. And this little star is the reason why I'm here now in the mid of the night.

I looked at Susan. Her face was calm but also somehow disabled. I was curious what was she talking about but I was too afraid to ask. I didn't want to hurt her or make her feel more sadness. But as if she knew about that, she gave me answer without waiting for question to be asked.

\- You have to lose someone to get your star. It's not worth it. Don't you think?

\- I don't know. Maybe because I don't know how it feels to lost somebody, I even don't know how it feels to have anybody.

After these words were said, we both synchronically looked each other in the eyes. I knew that from that moment, I was starting to learn how it felt like to care about somebody.

But mostly of all, after that early morning I knew that as much as I had been trying to find my hidden memories, Susan probably had been hiding from her own. I didn't know why that thought crossed my mind, but it was strong feeling I got from our moon-meeting. I wasn't afraid of that part of her, hidden part, still she was my savior and from that moment I really hoped that she would be my best friend too.

 ** _Two weeks later, end of January 2015_**

We hadn't been talking about that garden meeting at all. Sometimes words would bring nothing else than destruction and were simply unnecessary. That morning everything was alright, maybe even better that it would have been, without that full moon. After some time in silence and slowly rocking on swing we went to the house, to Susan's part of the house. She went upstairs to get ready for work, I got into preparation of the breakfast. It wasn't discussed but we had just fitted into life together, without words. I was excited that I was getting something, somebody to care about. My first friend in my new life.

From that day on, I had been preparing breakfasts for us, Susan had been cooking delicious suppers, every evening there had been movie time and talk time. Our conversations had been rather long and varied, we had been talking about our activities during day, Sue about hospital, I about psychological meeting, rehabilitation exercises with new coach, about movies, music, recipes, about dreamed travels, possibilities to renew garden, clothes and fashion. Simply about everything. It had been nice, natural and easy to get closer with her.

Today after watching " _Moonstruck_ " with Cher and Nicolas Cage, which was the movie with that song about pizza moon, that Sue had helped me to find, with small teardrops in my eyes during our ritual talk time I was preparing myself to tell Sue some important news.

\- Do you like it? – She was ahead of my, before I could even open my mouth.

\- The movie?

\- Yes. Do you think that it's better than song? Or these tears are the result of disappointment? – She smiled at me disarmingly charming.

\- I shrugged a little by the fact that he has no hand.

\- Me too, I have to admit that I was team Ronny from the very beginning.

\- And that song in their version is quite good also.

\- But anyway maybe you could sing it for me again?

\- No, no way. It was awful.

\- Don't be too modest, you have very nice voice. And it was realistic, other way I wouldn't be able to recognize it.

\- But today I have something more important to talk about, ok?

\- Ok, I'm all ears.

\- I want to go to New York and …

\- Do you want to leave Camp Hill? – I noticed strong shock in her reaction.

\- No, not for long. I just want to go to New York and Pittsburgh, because these two places are my potential hometowns, so I want to check if I could remember anything. But I'm afraid of that travel and doctor Antonio warned me that I could be shocked with result of that visit or very disappointed with no result, so I'm terrified to go alone. And that's why I want to ask you to come with me, if you only could and have time? …. Please, so very, very much, please agree. – She didn't take any time to consider that request, just directly gave me the answer.

\- Yes, of course. I will be happy to go with you. And it also will be nice to get out of Camp Hill for awhile, it has been ages since I went somewhere for the last time.

\- Great! Can we plan it now?

\- Ok, but first I have to check when I can take free days from hospital.

\- Of course. So now I can deliver you the second news.

\- What? Something more from your sessions?

\- No. Or maybe, but indirectly.

\- I'm curious. So tell me quickly.

\- From next Monday I'll start my first, I mean first in that part of my life, job.

\- Job? Really? Where?

\- In Walmart. For full time, as a cashier.

\- That's good.

\- You are not thrilled. Am I wrong?

\- Maybe I'm little surprised cause I have imagined you in some more artistic branch.

\- Have you imagined me? That's interesting. – I winked and all her discontent went away.

\- I'm happy that you will have something more than therapy to do, to be focused on.

\- Yes, it's the main reason and also doctor Antonio suggested that.

\- He is good at his job.

\- That's true.

\- So we have to go this week. Wait, wait … I'm calling doctor Balder, in my whole career I have never taken leave on request, so now it's time.

We spent last part of that day on planning our trip, booking hotel, deciding which places should I visit. I was thrilled not only because of possible outcome of that trip, but also because of thought of that trip itself as a chance to spend some nice and funny time with Susan. It was also part of doctor's Antonio suggestion _"Don't be desperate about memories if you didn't want to lose chance for happiness in the future. Enjoy present time and don't wait for past to come back, then it would happen without feeling of impatience."_

 ** _Next day, end of January 2015_**

\- Sue, how many miles to Pittsburgh left?

\- About 100. You can continue to sleep.

\- I wasn't sleeping.

\- I saw closed eyes.

\- You should look on the way and not at me. And above all closed eyes doesn't mean sleeping. – I didn't know why but I liked to tease her. She was funny while she was pretending that she was mad at me.

\- So what?

\- Thinking.

\- About?

\- Nothing important.

\- Sleeping Beauty is back.

\- No! Better put on some music, cause that trip is boring.

\- As you wish. – She winked at me. Definitely she enjoyed being teased by me.

\- I slept just a little bit.

\- I knew! And if you want music, choose something from my iPod, it's connected wireless to speakers.

…

\- That's one is perfect. Listen carefully Sue.

 _I've been lookin' for a driver who is qualified  
So if you think that you're the one, step into my ride  
I'm a fine-tuned supersonic speed machine  
With a sunroof top and a gangsta lean_

Get you where you wanna go, if you know what I mean  
Got a ride that's smoother than a limousine  
Can you handle the curves? Can you run all the lights?  
Baby, you got the keys  
Now shut up and drive, drive, drive, drive  
Shut up and drive, drive, drive, drive

\- No way. Alice, on the first gas station, I will stop and drop you off.

\- Don't you like it, my driver?

\- And I'm not your driver!

\- But I'm a fine-tuned supersonic speed machine, don't you think?

I saw her eyes in the driving mirror. She was faking that anger. I was sure that she got my joke. And when I started to laugh, she laughed out loud too.

We arrived in Pittsburgh at 1.20 PM. We drove the route around the city. First stop – bus station. I felt as if I had been there for the first time. Nothing looked familiar. Any women from ticket office, nobody from station shop, just nothing. After few short conversations with cashiers, nobody recognized me. Second stop – city center, we parked car and took a walk around. There was nice park, some skyscrapers, river – still nothing I could remember.

\- Sue, we should go.

\- Maybe we can go to some other district?

\- No, it's late. And you have to drive four more hours.

\- It doesn't matter.

\- But I feel that I don't know this place, it's too big. So please go.

\- New York will be bigger.

\- I know, but I just feel that's not my home, ok? – I didn't want to argue about that, it wouldn't be "funny argument", rather it could become into "sad conversation", cause I felt sad there. It was too unfamiliar to be my home town, or worse it would be too devastating if I felt so strange at place, I used to live. So I took Sue's hand and pulled her in the direction of car parking.

Not to feel even more strange in uncomfortable silence or during serious talk, I spent whole return journey on singing and inventing funny stories. But still it was long four hours. We came back home at 11 PM. Susan was very tired because of long driving and I couldn't ask her to accompany me, even if I wanted it badly. She needed sleep to be able to drive to New York next morning. And me, hm … I was sure that I wouldn't sleep at all. In my mind I would recreate every street of Pittsburgh, just to check if any of them could become more "mine".

 ** _Day after next day, 31_** ** _th_** ** _of January 2015_**

It was about 50 miles to New York, and I had to admit that I was counting every single mile. I was exhausted. In my whole life I had never been driving as much as in these two days. It was like nightmare, I had to focus on not closing my eyes, and it was getting harder with every mile. And Alice wasn't helpful at all. She had been sleeping peacefully on the backseat since we had left Camp Hill's city limits. I looked at her in the driving mirror. Anyway she was so cute with her mouth half opened and head falling from one side to the other, that I couldn't be mad at her, not at all.

\- I'm not sleeping! – She suddenly opened her eyes and pretended to be awake, while our eyes met in the mirror.

\- Really? Who do you want to fool?

\- You! There is nobody else babe!

\- Don't be so smart. I'm too tired for games.

\- I'm sorry, you are right. I'm sleeping here and you have to drive so many miles.

Anyway after few seconds she was sleeping again. And I was left alone with my fight to stay awake and to focus on the way. Fuck – it started to snow again. The last part of the travel was like horrible nightmare, cause we got stuck in big traffic jam.

\- Alice, why the hell did you want to book hotel in city center?

\- Hmmm?

\- Ehh, nothing.

\- It was nice.

\- What?

\- The hotel.

\- Are you still pretending to sleep or what?

\- Noooo. I only have my eyes closed.

\- Great.

With almost two hours delay, at 1 PM I parked car in the front of our hotel. I gave keys to some parking boy and we entered the hall. It really looked good, maybe after all it would be worth the price.

\- Good afternoon, we have reservation for name Willsburn, Susan Willsburn.

\- You are welcome Madame. Your apartment is waiting, number ten on the seventh floor. Do you need some help with baggage?

\- No thank you, we don't have nothing more than these suitcases.

I turned around to look for Alice. She was standing next to window, looking at Central Park.

\- Alice, come on. I'm really tired.

\- I'm coming Sue, sorry. – She looked at me with glazed eyes. I wasn't able to ask her why, and there in the hall, it wasn't good place for potential crying.

When we entered the room, Alice was charmed with its beauty and gift basket, she was excited like little kid. Maybe she was only pretending but her face lighten up and eyes were completely dry at that moment. Anyway I wasn't pleased, I was quite sure that it wasn't exactly what we had booked.

\- Alice, don't you think that the offer was different?

\- What do you mean? It's beautiful.

\- Yes, but bedroom?

\- What? Wow … the bed is like in the fairytale, that canopy. It's perfect for Sleeping Beauty …

\- And where should princess's driver sleep?

\- What do you mean?

\- Me. Your driver.

\- Don't be funny. I don't want you to think that I treat you like a driver. I was just joking with that song.

\- It's not important, anyway still there is only one bedroom and some not suitable for sleeping sofa in the living room.

\- Really? So what? That bed is so large, that we won't even notice one another.

\- I'm not sure about that …

\- Don't be so stiff, we are in New York, we won't sleep much after all.

\- Great. And tomorrow?

\- Don't think about it now. Please!

I gave up. Alice was so excited about New York, that besides my exhaust I didn't want to ruin that for her. And I hoped that as she had said, we wouldn't sleep much, cause I wouldn't be able to sleep with her in one bed, no matter how wide it was, not after that New Year's Eve kiss.

After lunch, we were walking around Central Park. Now I appreciated that we had hotel next to the city center, cause I had used New York's metro few times before and I definitely didn't like it. Too crowded and too complicated for me.

\- Sue …

\- Hm?

\- I don't know but I feel as if have been there before.

\- Do you recall something especially?

\- It's not some specific memory, rather a feeling.

\- We can walk here more and come back tomorrow, so maybe you can recall something more specific.

\- Maybe but …

I looked at her. She was sad again, like that excited girl from minute before and from hotel's room had disappeared. I hugged her.

\- Tell me.

\- Probably I wasn't there, I just remember that place from movies. And it's so white now. Maybe we can come back here when it will be more green.

\- Of course. But next time we will go by train cause you have not so qualified driver. – I tried to joke to cheer her up, but it didn't work.

\- I don't want to be sad, there is too beautiful to be sad and my sadness won't bring memories back. It could only stopped me from making new, nice memories. As doctor Antonio said.

\- It's so true, so don't be sad.

She bent down, I didn't know what she was up to. But in a minute, when some snowball hit my arm, I got to know.

\- I will get you, Alice!

We spent two or more hours on playing around, walking, laughing, like carefree kids. Alice, couldn't even imagine that I had needed that much more than she had.

When we came back to hotel, I was more exhausted than ever, two days as a driver and that running around park had taken away more energy than complicated surgery, but at the same time had given me a lot of happiness and mental relaxation. I didn't want to think about consequences, about what could happen or how would I feel if or when she walked away, I didn't want to think at all. I just wanted to enjoy that moment, as doctor Antonio had recommended.

\- Susan, I hope that you won't be angry at me, promise?

\- I can't promise you that. When I don't know what you mean. – I looked at her questioningly.

\- Trip to Pittsburgh and now to New York are about past, right?

\- Yes and …? – I still didn't know what she was up to. Her face, especially her blue eyes, were telling me " _I'm little innocent angel, don't be mad at me._ "

\- And it is a failure, but it doesn't matter cause I want to spend evening in a different way.

\- What exactly do you want to do?

\- I want to focus on my present life and at you.

\- What do you mean Alice, I still don't understand what do you mean and why may I get angry because of it? – I was confused. All that phrases were spinning around my head "angry", "focus on you", "promise", "different way", "you …".

\- Yesterday when you were asleep, I came to your bedroom and …

When I heard these words I almost fainted. And I was sure that angry was too soft word for my feelings. My bedroom was the only one place at house, where I hadn't cleaned before Alice's moving in. Honestly, my bedroom had become something like big temple full of memorabilia, all covered in photos of Lizzie, Max, of our family. Alice hadn't been there before, she could use every part of house she wanted, but not that one. It had always been closed, when I had gone to work or simply when I hadn't been inside. She hadn't asked why, probably hadn't cared. So why the hell she had felt need to slip there when I had been asleep. I was more than angry but I shouldn't show her how much I cared about that, so I only asked her " _Why?_ ".

\- I wanted to prepare some surprise.

\- What kind of? What surprise could be connected in any way with my bedroom?

\- I took something from there … for you to use it here.

\- What? Did you take something? – I wasn't able to hide my emotions any longer.

\- Please, I didn't want to upset you. I only took that red dress for you, cause I planned to ask you for a dinner.

\- Dress?

\- Yes, that one I have bought for you. And you told that there never would be any occasion to wear it, so I wanted to make that occasion for you, for us.

\- You should tell me, I would take it myself.

\- I thought, that maybe you wouldn't want and mostly of all I wanted to make surprise for you. Angry?

\- A little.

\- Your voice at one moment showed that it was more than "a little".

\- Maybe a lot, but it was intense and short. Now it's ok.

\- So put that dress on. I will get changed myself too and we will go to the most charming restaurant in New York, and will have wonderful time, deal?

\- Ok, deal, but maybe after all you remember something about that city.

\- Why?

\- If you know the most charming place here, have you been there?

It supposed to be a joke or silly comment, but after telling that, I realized that it could hurt her. Fuck, sometimes I was an idiot. On my excuse I could bring that although at that moment I was quite calm, still in my mind I was asking myself if during her visit to my bedroom she had noticed anything, any photos, albums, Lizzie's clothes, anything, which could have made her think about my past. I was afraid of that. I felt so good with her, our conversations were so nice, free and open, and part of it could be the fact that in relation with her my past didn't exist at all and I didn't need to wear any mask. But after all she might have learned about my history from my co-workers, everybody in hospital knew that I had lost my family and how that had happened. She didn't need to spy on me to know that, but I was irrationally afraid that she could start to ask me some questions, I remembered these words that I had heard from doctor Balder, he had warned me before. It was strange, that fear, that feeling that if she knew about my past something would change. After all, even if that happened, she wouldn't recognize my secret. And that meant that even if I wanted to think otherwise, I was still wearing my mask and always would. As long as I wouldn't be sincere in terms of who I was, but it was too difficult, and probably always would be.

\- Susan are you listening to me?

\- I'm sorry. Please, repeat.

\- I said that unfortunately I don't remember anything from New York, and that I found this place on some website with travel recommendations. But it really looks good, with only positive comments. I don't know if you like that kind of places, but everybody is amazed with it, how they describe that … hmm … European village style or something like that. I haven't been in Europe, or maybe I was, never mind, anyway I liked photos and …

\- And I will love it too. – " _Cause I will be there with you Alice._ " – Of course that second part of the sentence was said only in my mind.

Lyrics used in this chapter

 _Dean Martin "_ _That's Amore"_

 _Rihanna "Shut up and drive"_


	25. Chapter 25

**CHAPTER 25 – Small imperceptible details before the big night**

 ** _New York, 2015, 31_ _th_ _of January_**

I was ready for things that were planned for today. First one on my list – meeting with a potential client at 10.30 AM, 5th Avenue, next to Central Park. I had to leave no later than in 20 minutes. But I had prepared the offer yesterday, and it could be next profitable deal, I was dressed up for success and my make-up was perfect. I couldn't fail. The second task for today would be quite easy either. I would have to ask Nicole to go out with me at evening. I was sure that she would be more than happy to agree. But I would have to do it in such a manner, which wouldn't mean invitation neither for romantic date nor for wild sex escapade. As I had decided earlier, during our strictly professional contacts in first few weeks of 2015, I wanted to get to know her closer, before I would decide to get more involved or to give up other than friendly-professional aspects of our relations. And that evening could be really important and also nice. I had a feeling that it would be unforgettable night, something like going back to old good times, but in a better new way. I was thrilled about our performance. And I wasn't alone in that feeling, for few days in a row Rachel and Kurt had been talking only and by only, I meant really exclusively, about our " _Chicago_ " premiere. It would take place today at 8 PM at Gershwin Theatre. Nothing could make Rachel feel more like a diva.

\- Santana? Where are you? – She was awake. _"Fuck, I missed my opportunity to escape."_

\- I'm leaving for a meeting.

\- Are you insane?

\- Rachel, what are you talking about?

\- How could you plan some meeting, when today is our big day?

\- Some of us have to work, and I belong to that part of society.

\- Mumbo jumbo.

\- What? Are you really so high because of that premiere? What the hell that mumbo jumbo means?

\- No matter. Better question is how can you leave us on that big day? I hoped and also expected that you would be really focused on our performance. Other way I wouldn't have asked you to join us.

\- I was and still I am. But I'm not crazy. Premiere is at 8 PM, I will be at theatre at 5 PM or even at 4 PM, so nothing wrong can happen. – I had to bite my tongue not to say anything about her graciousness in the field of calling me to work with them.

\- We should have one more rehearsal.

\- We had yesterday and it was great. Don't panic!

\- Somebody is panicking there? – Kurt entered the room with some green mask on his face.

\- One more freak. So now I can go and leave you both to freak out together. Bye, divas.

\- San … !

I didn't hear anything more in addition to door crash. I was sure that two of them could easily destroy my enthusiasm for going back to singing. But I was determined to not let them do that. At that moment I felt vibration of my new iPhone in the purse. It was Nikki.

\- Good morning boss.

\- I hear that somebody is in good mood today. That's great.

\- I'm always more than happy to hear you, that's why my voice is so enthusiastic. – A little sarcasm was always part of our conversations. I just couldn't help myself.

\- Nice. Anyway, maybe it could increase my chance for positive response.

\- It only depends on your request.

\- Right.

\- So?

\- Tonight. At 9 PM. The most lovely restaurant in the city, in which you will feel as if you move to some European romantic city, maybe Florence or Rome.

\- Hmm. It's tempting but I have to reject your proposal …

\- You would regret if …

\- No, cause I have better option for tonight.

\- Really? Next plane to Paris?

\- No. – I laughed. It was funny but for the first time I realized that with my earnings it would be possible, that I could afford something like that. – No, it's not that …

\- So what could be better?

\- The most awaited premiere on Broadway.

\- Hmm … maybe we don't know each other so well but I think that I have mentioned that musicals weren't my favorite …

I had to interrupt her statement. I didn't want to hear that she didn't like musicals. After all performing and music had always been important thing of our, I meant, of my life and I wouldn't plan to give that up.

\- Stop before you say too much. I haven't finished yet. So it will be the most awaited premiere, starring one and only, long not seen Santana Lopez.

\- Wow. Ok, so now, it's something totally different. And if you want me to …

\- Yes, yes, I want you to come and you will feel honored to attend that event with me, right?

\- Yes, sir. I mean ma'am.

\- So pick me up at 4 PM.

\- At your service.

We both laughed. I liked her. She was funny and some time ago I had started to enjoy her sense of humor, her jokes and some teasing, sometimes similar to my own, but it didn't bother me anymore. I got a feeling that our verbal skirmishes could become some great foreplay in the future. But I still wasn't ready or sure and we were just co-workers and friends, cause successfully events from New Year's Eve had been left in the past and for both of us I thought that for now it was better.

Meeting went better than well. They were interested, had enough money for investment and I was ready to close that deal, cause I could provide them what they needed. It was an amazing feeling. Before joining ProHope I had never thought that as a seller I would feel that I was in the right place, but I did. And what was more important I was good at my job. That time it would be real test of my skills, because they did not pay any attention to me or to dress, but to an offer and the way I was providing it. Anyway I was already proud of myself. After all I was able to find something to do with my life and it wasn't for few minutes, or for fun, it could be something for my future.

 _Money, money, money_

 _Must be funny_

 _In the rich man's world_

And money, yes I had to admit that it was nice to earn some serious money. I sang that song to myself, without worrying that I was walking along crowded trials. It was 2 PM, I had some free time and simply couldn't resist that white fairytale look of trees. Meeting had taken place in café with view of Central Park, so I had to come there. When I was walking in that winter world, I had a feeling of peace and relaxation, it was so strong that I dreamed of staying there for whole day, although it was quite cold.

 _Money, money, money  
Always sunny  
In the rich man's world _

I was excited. That was for sure. Happy? No, maybe I wasn't happy – not yet, but I was able to think that it would be possible. It was great progress. And money, it wasn't the most important part of that change, but during previous talk with Nicole, I had realized that I could afford some new levels of pleasures. Paris for example. It could be interesting to travel to Europe. From my daydreaming about the most romantic place in the world, I was woken up by my phone.

\- Somebody has a sixth sense. – I greeted her with my most sensual voice.

\- Thinking about me, missing me Santana?

\- Maybe baby.

\- I suspect that we are about to get another marketing success.

\- Don't jinx it!

\- I don't believe in something like jinxing. You are good at something, you win. Simple.

\- After all, maybe you are right.

\- Not maybe, baby. Better tell me what were you exactly thinking about?

\- Money.

\- Fuck. Another material girl.

 _They can beg and they can plead  
But they can't see the light (that's right)  
'Cause the girl with the cold hard cash  
Is always Miss Right_

'Cause we are living in a material world  
And I am a material girl

\- Some rehearsal for the evening, for your musical?

\- Not really. It's Madonna, not " _Chicago_ ", you are such a music opportunist.

\- Maybe, but now I think that evening won't be so bad. With your voice I can stay awake during the first half of the show.

\- Don't you dare to fall asleep! Even for 5 seconds.

\- I will do my best, promise. But wait, what about that money?

\- It's nice to earn well, don't you think?

\- I told you that on the first day we met, remember?

\- That's right. But then it wasn't important at all.

\- And now?

\- Now it could be funny to go to Paris for few days, don't you think so?

\- Is it another invitation?

\- Not yet, but who knows. – I winked as if she could see me.

I was walking through that white winter wonderland, lost in thoughts about work, musical, Nikki, friends, my aspirations, money. Emptiness and sense of meaninglessness slowly had been going away since I had joined ProHope. Still there were some shadows of the past, lost parts of my past mostly and I wasn't free of yearning, but my life was back on track. I didn't know why I was thinking about all of that at that moment. Maybe it was because of the fact that for the first time in my life I had been satisfied with my job. Or maybe the reason was connected with excitement caused by going back to singing and performing. I didn't know, I had no idea if it could have anything in common with Nikki. I liked her, I enjoyed spending time with her, but could it be anything more? I really had no idea. Still I had been thinking about Britt, but it had been less intense since New Year's Eve. Lately I had been focused on the future and she definitely couldn't be the part of that. But suddenly in the middle of that thinking and appreciation of my progress, it struck me that I regretted that she couldn't be there with me at that exact moment. Knowing her antics there would have been a lot of fun in the snow and then mutual warming up would have been wonderful. My imagination started to create some fantasy around that idea. Maybe I thought about that, because in the distance I saw a couple, two women, one of them was blonde, as Britt, they were throwing snowballs at each other. It was snowing and they were far away, so I could only see their silhouettes but they seemed to be happy. I wished that … _"Stop Santana! Focus! You have to go if you don't want to be late for your own show."_ I turned around and walked away as fast as I could.

Two hours later, I was in the middle of the World War III. Rachel and Kurt were acting like it would be their first public performance. It was 4.30 PM, we hadn't been late yet, but these two divas were definitely too panicked and it was possible that we wouldn't make it at all. Nikki was sitting on our couch, waiting to drive me to theatre, as she had promised to do. She was barely holding back laughter. I didn't blame her. If I hadn't been in the middle of that drama, I would have laughed out myself. But I was. At that moment the main priority was to fix Rachel's hair, cause in her opinion a visit at hairdresser had ended "tragically". Of course it was way better than red look for New Year, but for her it was a disaster.

\- I can't perform with that hair. Too short, too bright, too messy. I even showed him photo of Catherine Zeta-Jones, cause I couldn't expect him to know who Velma was and look what he did! I'm dying.

\- Rachel if you only wish I could take your part, my hair is perfect to be Velma and definitely my voice either. You could be great as Mary, especially at the end, when she transforms into man. – I heard that Nikki failed in holding her laughter. Rachel looked at me and then at Nicole as if she wanted to kill us. But she had no right to blame us, cause whole situation was ridiculous only because of her.

\- Girls calm down. I have great collection of wigs. We can definitely find something right for Rachel and Velma.

\- Kurt, stop! I don't want any wig. My motto is to become a person, I play and not to dress up.

\- So maybe you should take San's offer and become Mary-man.

\- Nikki, why are you here at all? Do you know anything about art?

\- Not really, but after that evening I will be educated in that area, quite well, I suspect.

\- Stop, now! Everybody stop joking, jelling, being sarcastic and everything else, just stop! It's 5 PM and I'm leaving, with you. – I pointed on Nikki. – At 5.15 PM without any delay, who wants can come with us, who doesn't can meet us at theatre or whatever. Now I'm going to redo my eyebrows. Is that clear?

I didn't wait for their answer, but probably it was clear enough, cause at 5.16 PM we all were sitting in Nikki's car.

I saw her in the audience, just before my main solo. She wasn't sleepy at all, I saw that she was looking at stage with focus and expectation. She was probably waiting to see and hear me. My guess was confirmed, when I entered the stage and saw big smile showing on her face.

 _When I was a tiny tot  
Of maybe two or three  
I can still remember what  
My mother said to me..._

 _Place rose colored glasses on your nose  
And you will see the robins  
Not the crows_

 _for in this tense and tangled web  
Our weary lives may weave  
you're so much better off  
if you believe..._

 _That there's a little bit of good  
In everyone  
In everyone you'll ever know_

 _Yes, there's a little bit of good  
In everyone  
…_

My part in " _Chicago_ " wasn't big so I enjoyed every second of my performance. I decided that in the future I wouldn't give up that artistic part of me, cause it could give me satisfaction, sense of accomplishment and connection with the best slice of memories, the best and the least painful part of my past life. After all performing, being applauded it was part of Santana's oxygen necessary for life. I had to stick to it. After finishing last verse, I heard the thunderous applause, I saw that Nikki stood up, and then I got standing ovation, it felt so good, well enough to feel tears of happiness on my face.

After our last song, in which we sang all together, curtain went down and I felt pure happiness. I saw that Rachel and Kurt were happy too, everything went perfect, even with Velma's too short and too bright hair. I came to them, hugged them and whispered " _Thank you_ ". I knew that they were aware what I was thankful for. Even if they were so fucking annoying definitely too often, they were my friends, on whom I could rely on, who had been giving me their support, and I loved them even if I would never say that aloud, it was true.

\- Congratulations! It was the best musical I have ever seen.

Nikki entered our wardrobe with three big bouquets and pugnacious smile on her face. She gave flowers to Rachel, then to Kurt, and finally stood in front of me.

\- Maybe the first one you have ever seen? – I said teasingly, but in a good way. I was happy and didn't want to be sarcastic at all.

\- Almost the first one, but still it was great. And your voice was hypnotizing.

\- And mine? – Rachel probably couldn't stand the fact that she might not be in the center of attention for a while. After all it was her big night at Gershwin Theatre.

\- You were amazing, Rachel. We are witnessing the birth of second Barbra. – I had to gather all the strength not to burst out laughing. It was priceless how easily Rachel could believe in complements. Even that one said with dose of humor.

\- It's nice that you can see that, even without education in music. Thank you, Nicole.

\- You are welcome.

She winked at me when Rachel turned around. At that moment I felt need to come closer and to kiss her but I refused it. I hadn't made any choice yet, I should not get carried away.

\- Rachel, Kurt. – I got their attention, they both looked at me. – I want to thank you for asking me to join this show. It was really important for me and ... just thank you once again, divas. – They came to me for a hug. I was truly grateful for that show and for their friendship either.

\- So where do you want to celebrate your success, guys?

\- Nikki, maybe we can all come to that restaurant, which you've mentioned in the morning.

\- It's really nice, you should like it. But it's next to Washington Square, about 25 minutes by car, little far?

\- Drive us there. Kurt, Rach are you in?

They agreed. I didn't know if I was glad about that. I had mixed feelings. I wanted to thank them and share our success together, but also somehow I needed time alone with Nikki. When I had seen her in audience, the way she had been looking at me, it had made me feel very intense need to kiss her, which came back to me again at wardrobe. I had to admit that I wanted her, it was desire. Maybe success had power to strengthened my appetite.

Lyrics used in this chapter

 _ABBA "_ _Money, money, money"_

 _Madonna "Material girl"_

 _Mary Sunshine "A little bit of sunshine" (from "Chicago")_


	26. Chapter 26

**CHAPTER 26 – Dancing with coincidences and destiny, Part I**

 ** _New York, 2015, 31_** ** _th_** ** _of January_**

\- Wow. I'm speechless.

\- Come on, Alice. Don't look at me this way.

\- Why? I have a right to do it, I can be amazed with effect of my gift.

\- Amazed? Maybe by this dress cause indeed it is amazing. I can agree with that.

\- And what do you think I was talking about?

I asked rhetorically and hoped that she wouldn't answer, cause I didn't know myself, if I was talking about dress or her hair pinned up in a bun or make-up, which shined up her face, or maybe about everything at once. Just about Susan, looking fabulous in red. But probably I shouldn't think about that, also because again I got a feeling that woman in red might mean something more, but I had no idea why, so it would be better if she didn't ask. She smiled, as if she didn't know what to say more, so I was saved. But after a minute she added something, probably in return for my complement and then I felt as if my face was burning red.

\- Alice, you look so beautiful. That blue dress matches perfectly your eyes. And your eyes are most beautiful in whole world.

She wasn't probably used to making complements to girls cause she evidently seemed to be confused and embarrassed. I didn't want to provoke that kind of feeling in her, cause that evening supposed to be about her, or more directly about me thanking her for everything she had done for me. And it was a long list of big favors. I didn't even know if these things were still favors or something more, but I wasn't able to find right word.

We got into taxi and for about 20 minutes, during whole ride, didn't exchange any word. I was excited about that evening, I had been planning that since more than a week, I wanted to make it perfect. But now I was afraid that it could go wrong, that I could say something inappropriate or stupid, which would make Susan sad or embarrassed, like that complement. There were so many things that I was grateful for, I wasn't even able to properly listed them.

\- Alice, we've arrived. Hallo, Alice, are you asleep? We have to get out of taxi!

\- What? – I looked at her, dazed.

\- Do you want to go back to hotel or what? I would be disappointed.

She was looking at me with little smile and sparks in her eyes. At that moment I was able to see only her face and black coat, which was covering dress, so I couldn't pretend that only dress was amazing, definitely she was amazing herself. She looked fabulous. She was beautiful. I had no idea why these thoughts crossed my mind. These were simply statements or … What? I had no idea.

\- Alice, come on! – She took my hand and tried to get me out of the taxi. – What's wrong? Do you want to come back? Just tell me.

At that moment her eyes were showing concern. It was so good to know that somebody cared about me. But I had known that before, she had done so much for me, showing care at every day. However now there was something more about it. Like little magic, which brought smile of happiness on my face. I smiled at her, hugged her hand tighter and went after her.

\- Finally. – Susan turned around to check on me. In the meantime she made her hand free from mine. And then, smiling at me, she added. – I was afraid, that we would have some crisis here and after all it was your idea.

\- Sorry. I was just lost in my thoughts, and maybe sometimes I'm still Sleeping Beauty.

\- Not sometimes, you are always Beauty. – I had no idea why, but I hoped that she really meant it and although I was aware that it was foolish I wished that she was longer holding my hand.

\- But not sleeping.

\- I hope so.

We entered that restaurant. The place was really amazing. It impressed me with old fireplace, all candles and colorful lampions. It looked even better than on photos. Waiter guided us to second room, to our table. It looked simply breathtaking.

\- Ladies, in 10 minutes I'll be back to collect your order.

\- Thank you. – Before I opened menu, I looked at Susan. I hoped that she was content with my choice of place.

\- Why are you looking at me with so strange face? Alice, evidently something is bothering you, first in taxi and now, just tell me.

\- It's nothing bad, I just want that evening to be perfect. Just as you were perfect for me. I mean that I want to thank you for everything and express that I really appreciate all of that, but mostly of all I appreciate you. I mean as my friend. But I failed, didn't I?

\- Why do you think that way, what failing do you have on your mind?

\- You were angry because of that dress and in taxi, that silence were so strange. And now you look sad?

\- It's not that. I was angry, I have to admit that, but it was like overreacting. I'm sorry …

\- It's me who should be sorry, you gave me home, trusted me and I slipped to your bedroom like a robber?!

\- Come on Alice, it's not about that. I wasn't afraid that you might rob something, I just … don't want to talk about that. I want to focus on enjoying that evening.

\- But why are you sad now?

\- I'm not. Just, you know this place is so amazing, all of these candles, lights, that music.

\- So why are you so sad? I don't understand. – I looked at her even more carefully. She was trying to hide that sadness, but still it was noticeable.

\- I'm not. This place just reminds me of something.

\- What? Susan we are friends, don't bring silence. I so badly love our talks.

\- Me too. But it's not easy. Be patient Alice, then I'll try, ok?

I nodded. Still looking at her, not with curiosity, but with concern and compassion. I was sure that she was hurt somehow. Again I got a feeling and was quite sure that she was running away from some past events.

\- I'm patient, you don't have to … – She looked deeper in my eyes and interrupted with start of her story.

\- Few years ago, maybe even formerly, I was in Italy, that place is like exact copy of cafeteria in Roma. Fireplace, candles, even that colorful lanterns, all the same. It was beautiful and so romantic, just perfect but for me happiness was always covered with some fear and uncertainty. Like I knew the end before it happened.

I was looking at her, without idea what she was talking about. But I noticed that with every word her face was more light and the sadness was going away. Maybe she needed somebody to listen. Maybe it could be better way to thank her than buying dress and asking out for dinner. She made little pause to take deeper breath and was about to continue her story, when waiter came back.

\- Ladies, are you ready to order?

\- No exactly. – I looked at him as if I wanted him to go away, but Susan had other plans.

\- I'm ready. Alice, I don't know what you like, but I will take pasta Bolognese and Chianti. And for starter some Parma ham with melon. Don't forget about oceto balsamico. – She smiled at him. At that moment she was acting as if she was grateful that he had interrupted her confession and she hadn't had to finish it. I was confused.

\- So I will take the same.

\- Simple but great choice, Signoras.

\- Susan, please continue. I see that it's something important and it's bothering you. I want to help you.

\- I don't want to destroy this evening.

\- Please tell me.

\- Why are you pushing me so hard?

\- I just …

\- Alright. If you need to know I was in that café in Roma with my husband, but he is gone. End of story. Come back to what's now. And don't push me to tell about past. Deal?

\- Deal.

I looked at her trying to provide smile on my face. She was smiling as if she really wanted to focus on present time and closed her past. I remembered that Danny had told me that she had gone through some tragic events in the past, but I hadn't let him provide me any details then. And I didn't regret that. I wouldn't ask him about that, I would wait for Susan to be ready to talk about that. But at the same moment for me that sentence was somehow disturbing. She used to have husband. Why was I so surprised. She was at her thirties, she could easily have some past even with kids, but maybe it wasn't matter of surprise but rather disappointment. It was even stranger and less explainable feeling.

The meal was delicious. And evening itself either. After few minutes of not so comfortable silence we went back to talking, as if nothing had happened.

\- Alice, your choice was great, you must have sixth sense, cause I don't remember if I mentioned loving Italian food.

\- You haven't. So it really took me long time to decide where we should go.

\- Perfect choice. Italy, not only as culinary but as a whole culture, landscape, history, it's simply a paradise.

\- Have you been there … upss I'm sorry. I shouldn't ask.

\- No, that question is safe. – She smiled charmingly. – I love traveling. I used to love traveling, that's more accurate cause now I need you to go out of Camp Hill for the first time in years.

\- Really?

\- Yes, I was stuck with work and other things. Anyway, in the past I went to Europe few times, to different countries, but Italy was my favorite. We, I mean that I was there about 10 times. Every region has something special and taunting. Tuscany with Florence and Cinque Terre Coast it's like a pearl. Now, when I think about that I'm sure that I would love to go there again.

\- So why not?

\- Traveling alone it's not … – She stopped. Her face was showing embarrassment, as if she realized that she had told something inappropriate. But she hadn't.

\- With me it wasn't funny neither, I was sleeping or falsifying it all the way.

\- Come on Alice. Trip with you wasn't that bad.

\- Don't lie to me, not strictly into eyes.

\- I wouldn't dare to.

\- That's good.

\- That's true Alice. So maybe someday … but now we are here, in this lovely place. And you definitely should try Italian tiramisu.

We ordered tiramisu, as she recommended. In the background I heard familiar melody it was pizza moon song. I laughed to myself quietly. It was so good to see or hear or feel anything what wasn't strange, but familiar in any way. Something I was able to remind and find in my own memories.

\- Tiramisu has power of cheering up, Alice, I see that it's working for you too.

\- It's tiramisu, it's you, it's that song, it's just everything. But mostly tiramisu of course.

\- I know, that's why I like it so much.

\- Would you dance with me? – I had no idea what the hell was I doing. Why did I propose something like that. Without thinking, I just said that. Susan looked at me with astonishment and anxiety.

\- I don't think it's … – She tried to say something but probably didn't know how to use right words to give answer for my stupid, senseless request.

\- I mean that your red dress is so beautiful that it should be used for dancing to get full effect. So maybe I will go and ask that single man at bar to dance with you.

Now she looked at me even more surprised, maybe terrified. I was so stupid. I didn't understand what I was trying to achieve with all of that strangeness, definitely not what I had wanted in the first place, something nice to thank Susan for all she had done. First I had made her angry, then sad and now she felt uncomfortable. I was an idiot.

\- No, thanks Alice. I'm not in the mood for dancing. I'm not so brave also, there is nobody on the dance floor, so no, no, just no.

\- I'm sorry.

\- Don't be. I'm not into dancing. Just not tonight. Maybe next time.

I wondered what could she mean by next time, that she would dance with me or dance with somebody else for me to let me see her dress in motion. No matter, I shouldn't think of that anyway.

\- I'll wait. – I smiled at her and gently touched her hand, which was lying on the table not so far from mine.

\- Alright. And now excuse me, I have to go to the toilette. Could you order next glass of wine in the meantime.

\- Of course. – I was watching as she was going away, with prediction that she wanted to run away from me for awhile because she felt uncomfortable. " _Alice, you are an idiot. You are not able to thank her properly. You have to ruin everything with your stupidity_."

I had to run away from that table as soon as possible. I couldn't stand that for me all her nice and innocent comments, her efforts to make something for me, out of her gratefulness, had been converting into something dirty and inappropriate. I hated that sick part of me. Why her smile and simple touch of hand had caused so intense shaking and desire. Why couldn't I be her friend, as she wanted me to be, but instead I had to dream about something more. Why always I had to be so destructive, I should have been happy to have her in my life, as a friend, what had made my life thousand times more complete and pleasant already. So why I had to want something more, which could only hurt her and sent her away. And then I would be left without anything, so alone again. I locked myself in the toilet. I couldn't stand the tension, in my mind I was dancing with her, so closely, body to body, with her arms around my neck, mine on her hips, our faces so close to each other, only millimeters before the kiss. I pulled my dress up, dropped pants to mid-tight, and touched myself, in the way I was dreaming that she would touch me. Gently, but firmly, accelerating movements as moisture was growing, to the point, in which it was hard to handle that any longer and finally ending with hers, no unfortunately, mine own fingers inside of me.

I didn't know how long that took me, but hoped that she wouldn't notice anything. I would die, if she would see my excitement. I was leaving toilette slowly, to get some more time to stabilize my breath. Suddenly waiter came in my way.

\- Excuse me.

\- Yes?

\- We have group of four people waiting but at the moment we have only one double table available, and your table is bigger, so I want to ask if …

\- No, no, no. We can't change tables. – I went away from him, without waiting for his response. Normally I would easily agree to that request, but I had to be focused on my breath, my gaze, my gestures, on everything, not to show Alice what just had happened.

I came back to our "bigger" table. Indeed it was table for four people. Anyway, it wasn't important at that moment, I had to be focused and peaceful. " _Breath Susan, stabilize your breath, good. I'm ready to talk to her. Almost …_ "

\- I see that you've ordered wine. Not a glass, but whole bottle. That's great. It's delicious, here in US we don't have such wines like in south Europe, in Italy.

\- Yes, it's good, but for me it's … I think it should be the last glass for tonight.

\- Really? Earlier you said that we should have a lot of fun in New York.

I tried to show my poker face. I even remembered that once I had listened to song with the same title. I was so distracted, all because of her. She was too beautiful, too funny, too nice, too sexy, and just too much for me to be so close but not close enough.

\- True, not false. But with every sip I feel more hot and … my need to strip is increasing.

\- What?

She definitely didn't want to make it easier for me. She had been half drunk already. After maybe three or four glasses of wine, fuck, and she was talking about making striptease. Maybe I should have agreed to dance with her, cause it would be more safe than going through her striptease. Too much for me, definitely too much. And how would I be able to sleep with her in one bed, maybe next to her naked body, if she decided to take off her pajamas.

\- Don't be stiff, doc! Haven't you ever made striptease for your hubby?

I looked at her with disbelief in my eyes, how could she asked me about that. Hadn't I told her to fuck off from my past.

\- Don't be mad at me. Pleasssse!

But there was something about Alice, something in her eyes and smile that was the reason why I couldn't be mad at her for long. So I gave up.

\- Ok, but you should stay away from that subject. And to make it clear I haven't.

\- And I don't know, so maybe I should try to recall some memories.

Before I could react, in any way, to what she had just said, she was standing on the chair, no she wasn't standing at all, she was dancing sexily on the chair, getting out of her jacket and then trying to remove strap of her dress. One thing good in that situation was that we were in New York, far away from Camp Hill. I was looking at her, probably with my mouth half opened, and I just couldn't say anything, cause simply I was shocked. But after few seconds of gazing I had to react. It was still me, Susan Willsburn, behind my mask of decent citizen, with stable morality, always afraid of people's talks, and terrified especially at the thought about possibility of my secret's getting out. I couldn't let her do that in front of me. I stood up and started to walk away, cause few words I found for that surprising occasion didn't stopped her.

\- Sue, doc, stop, wait for me! – I heard her while I was paying the bill. – I will pay, stop!

\- My card is already charged. It's too late. And don't call me doc.

\- Don't be mad at me, please.

\- I'm not, just stop Alice.

I was trying not to look at her or at that waiter, who was definitely disgusted with all of that, of my refusal to change tables, of her striptease, her screams. Fuck, what was happening there. I wanted to run away.

I decided that we should go on foot to the hotel. Cold, fresh air could help her to get sober, and also could prevent us from some other strange situations in taxi. After about twenty minutes of silence, I meant silence between two of us, cause around even at night New York was so noisy, she spoke up, quietly.

\- I'm so sorry Sue. I'm an idiot.

I decided that that time I wouldn't give up so easily. I wouldn't look at her and I would stay strong in my anger.

\- I'm really sorry. It was so stupid and immature.

…

\- Sue, please say something. I can't stand that silence.

She tried to hold my hand, but I ran away. I didn't want to let her play with me. And definitely I didn't want to be pushed to masturbate again. I wanted her, at that moment I was sure that it was something more than desire. It was very strong feeling. I thought that maybe I would be able to make her have sex with me, that night while she was drunk. But what for? To lose her friendship, to feel ashamed, to make her leave Camp Hill. I couldn't do it. I pushed that thought away.

When we got to hotel, we didn't exchange any word, nothing more than some organizational issues as who would first take a bath. She was the first one. So when I was ready to go to bed, she had been already there, waiting for me.

\- Sue, I'm totally sober now, and I want to tell you one more time that I'm so sorry for all of that. I don't know why I was acting that way. It was so stupid. I'm ashamed now. I'm so so so sorry, this evening supposed to be about my gratefulness but it was a disaster. I'm sorry.

\- Alright Alice, I will accept your apologies, but you have to promise that next time you will drink more responsibly.

\- So there will be next time? You won't be mad at me forever.

She looked at me with her blue eyes, which at that moment were bigger and more shining than usual. So I gave up. I was lost.

\- Forever is too long to be mad at you, don't you see that I can't … – Luckily I stopped before I made fool of myself. I couldn't say something like that. So I quickly came up with different ending of that sentence. – Don't you see that I can't waste time to be mad, I'm too old for that.

She jumped up and hung around my neck. Fortunately she had her pajamas on. We reconciled and took our sides of the bed. But it would be strange if I could fall asleep. I was thinking about everything that had happened, after all it had been nice day, she had been amazing and funny and I would have had great fun with her, maybe even dance with her or applaud her striptease, if I hadn't been so freaking out because of my hidden feelings. I couldn't show her that I cared about her in any other way than friendly, if I didn't want to lose her and I was sure that losing her would destroy me.

 _"_ _When we come back to Camp Hill, Susan will probably throw me out of her house. I definitely went over the top with that striptease. She was embarrassed with my behavior, why did I do it, fuck, fuck, fuck. But it was stronger than my reasonableness and at that moment I thought that she might like it. But how and why? She is normal woman, she is respected doctor, not some teenager, she used to have a husband, so how could I expect her to get excited by others woman striptease, in public place? And why the hell in the first place did I want to get her excited? I thought that I wanted to thank her and now what was left from that? Ehh, I'm confused. …"_ I was lying in the bed, about half of meter away from her. I wasn't moving not to wake her up. But during that conversation with myself, for the first time one important thought showed up in my head. _"Maybe that girl from my dream, was my girl – girly girl, like a lover. Maybe I'm lesbian and that's why I dream over and over again about some girl, and that also could be a reason for my need to impress Susan. Maybe I'm attracted to her, not only as a friend. Maybe that was the reason why I wanted to dance with her and why I was amazed by her appearance in that dress."_ That thought was pleasant cause it could mean that I made major discovery about my past and my identity. But on the other hand, I was sure that I couldn't act on these feelings, if there had been any feelings already (I wasn't sure at that moment, I was too confused), cause I really cared about Susan and she was my only one close person in whole world, and definitely I couldn't lose her friendship.

Next morning, I woke up about 9 AM, after few short hours of sleep. Sue had been already awake, she wasn't lying next to me. I went out from bed to bathroom. There, I could still smell intense fragrance of her perfumes. I closed my eyes. I saw us in Central Park, laughing and throwing snowballs at each other, it was my nicest memory since the day I had woken up from coma. I couldn't destroy that relation.

\- Good morning Susan. – I said quietly. She was sitting on the couch in living room, reading newspaper.

\- Hello, crazy stripper.

\- Fuck, so it wasn't a dream?

\- Unless we dreamed synchronically, it was real.

\- Mad?

\- Not really, yesterday I was angry, but it went away in the morning.

\- That's great. That evening supposed to be about my gratefulness and I wanted to thank you so much for everything, but I screwed up.

\- It wasn't so bad. I overreacted, cause I have never been so free in public places, and I'm older and …

\- And I should feel ashamed cause I asked you for a dinner and even didn't pay for that.

\- I will give you a chance to make up for that. I will ask you for a dinner today and let you pay for it.

She smiled at me like an angel. She was an angel, I didn't know why she had decided to be my angel but it felt so good to have private guardian. If only I could show her … I stopped cause I shouldn't even think about that. First of all, she wouldn't be interested in that kind of relation and secondly I wasn't sure about my own feelings. I could easily mistake gratitude with something totally different, hurting everybody on my way.


	27. Chapter 27

**CHAPTER 27 – Dancing with coincidences and destiny, Part II**

 ** _New York, 2015, 31_** ** _th_** ** _of January_**

\- As you promised, it looks nice but only from the outside. And I definitely want to see it from the inside as soon as possible. Nikki, do something! I don't like that waiting thing.

\- San, why are you so inpatient? It's a small restaurant, but really worth waiting.

\- No me gusta, I'm freezing.

I looked at Rachel and Kurt for some support, but they were still so high about performance and they didn't notice that with every minute there was snowing more and more intensive.

\- Calm down, we can wait. Our success is worth celebrating in the best way.

\- Rachel, you are the one, who should calm down. First of all our performance was good, but nothing extra ordinary and somebody should tell you that. Ups, that someone happens to be me. It's not Broadway yet, only …

\- Gershwin Theatre it's Broadway!

\- No, no, no, it's only some festival for school-kids. And on the other hand how could you know that there would be the best place to celebrate, for me they are crossed out for that waiting time.

\- Girls, both. Shhhh … waiter is coming, we don't want to be banned after all.

Kurt was looking at that waiter, as if he not only wanted to be escorted to the table by that guy but also as if he was dying to get some more intimate services in the bathroom. It was making me sick or jealous, maybe a little. Unexpectedly for one second I got a vision of Britt. But I threw it away with shaking of my head.

\- I'm so sorry but unfortunately we don't have any free tables for four now. And there is also no chance for changing. – Waiter's voice and his gaze gave me proof that Kurt's and mine gay-dar were working so well.

\- Waiting time, approximately?

\- No, no, no! No me gusta. We are not interested in any waiting, Nikki come on. We are leaving! Now!

I took Nikki's hand and pulled her in direction of the parking place. I was chilled, sick of my co-stars' behavior and just tired of everything. We dropped Kurt and Rachel at our apartment and were on the way to Nikki's. It was my idea. I decided that some changes were needed, quickly.

\- I want to go to the roof top.

\- No way, you are like a spoiled child.

\- What are you talking about?

\- Santana Lopez, don't you see that?

\- I don't know what you are talking about. It's some bullshit.

\- All the way from restaurant you were talking about how bad you were freezing. And now you want to go outside, to enjoy snowing, right?

\- Right!

Of course that she might be right that I was little moody, but I didn't care about that. I turned around and went outside on the stairs, without looking at her. I ran upstairs so fast, that on the top I got some bad pant. Fuck, the doors were closed. She would win and get some reasons to make fun of me. Again.

\- Some troubles here?

\- No, fuck off Nicole!

\- No way. I can fuck you but I say no to fuck off!

\- Really? Is it an offer or what?

\- Don't you dare to look at me with that wounded innocence in your eyes. Santana Lopez, you are a player. And innocence is the last thing suitable to describe you.

\- Blah blah blah. You know nothing.

\- So tell me.

\- For what?

\- Are we friends?

\- Dunno.

\- Do you want it?

I looked at her closer. While she was angry, she had funny vertical wrinkle on her forehead. But was she really angry or it was something else? I didn't know. I was confused. Maybe she was confused either. I wouldn't blame her for that after what I had done on New Year's Eve, but during whole last month she had been acting as if she hadn't cared. " _So does she care after all? Or do I care about that? Do I want her to care?_ " I was confused and it was strong confusion. Few hours ago I had felt need to kiss her, then I had become angry because of that restaurant and now I was freaking out because I had no idea what I should do. I felt that I should do something to complete my moving on and to once and for all erase image of Britt from my memory. But I knew that these were nothing more than bad reasons to do anything. Just like it had been one month ago, floor below. The best way to handle that was to vent emotions on Nikki. Arguing could be like catharsis.

\- I want. – She was looking at me, as if she had forgotten her own question. – I want your friendship.

\- Great. So maybe start acting like that and stop all these outbursts of anger.

\- I will try.

\- Just do it. For yourself.

She opened the doors and took my hand. I didn't feel anger or hastiness in her moves, touch of her hand felt like … I didn't know how to describe that properly, it was just good feeling, which gave me a little relief and calmness.

\- Still interested in exploring roof top?

\- What?

\- Are you here or in other galaxy? Santana what's wrong with you today? Are you so strange because of that show, some stress or what?

\- I don't know. I have mixed feelings. Happiness with sadness, enthusiasm with resignation, some excitement with anger.

\- The last pair isn't the best matching.

\- I don't understand.

\- Something is really not ok with you, where is your astuteness?

I looked at her, probably with some emptiness in my gaze, cause I had no idea what she was talking about. And she explained it to me, as if I was some stupid child.

\- I was trying to say that excitement and anger were quite close to each other, especially if we were talking about you.

\- Oh, really? So now you are an expert of Santana's moods?

\- Maybe not an expert yet, but I'm quite attentive student. Anyway I'm still not able to guess or discover what is really bothering you.

\- B.S.P.

\- Hm?

\- B.S.P.

\- Nothing similar for me. Some prompt, maybe?

\- Noooo chance.

\- Phone to a friend or a lifebuoy?

\- No in this game.

\- Maybe I can call Rachel after all she has known you for few years now.

\- No me gusta!

\- So that mysterious something is Spanish?

\- Cold.

\- Illness?

\- Much colder … but wait maybe after all it was an illness, mental one.

\- Present or past?

\- Are you into guessing quizzes or what?

She was still holding my hand inside of hers, which were much warmer than mine. I wasn't noticing that cause you could easily get used to good feelings and that one was good. But at that moment, after I asked that question, which was simple and didn't have any deep meaning, I felt her hand around mine, cause she clenched it. As if she was nervous. I realized why when I heard her answer.

\- I'm into you. That's all.

There was something strange in these two sentences. It was quite simple statement, maybe even without very much sense hidden inside, but the way she said that and the way she was looking at me, it showed a lot more than words. I didn't know what to say. In front of me, with my hand in hers, there was standing my boss. She was definitely professing some deeper feelings to me. But that was the same girl, who had told me that love had been stupid and only great fun had mattered, that pleasures had been all she had cared about. And I – I was just confused, nothing had changed. Lately it had been my permanent state of mind.

\- Don't look at me that way Santana, I'm not proposing to you. I don't have a ring, not yet. – She winked archly. – But I really care about you and maybe it's time to talk more seriously. Cause, even if you want to, you just can't hide your confusion. It's hard for you, I can see that.

\- B.S.P. That's all.

\- Puns again.

\- No. But it's not easy.

\- You are shaking, we should go inside.

\- Five minutes, please.

\- Ok.

She was looking at me closely. Slowly I was getting ready to talk to her. That time sincerely. It could give me some sense of freedom, maybe confession would give me relief and other perspective, when I could see myself through Nikki's eyes. Maybe I would be able to see my hopeless ridicule and pathetic behavior. Cause waiting, hoping and being stuck at that situation was nothing else than pathetic nonsense.

\- So … it's a long story. – I paused. Maybe with hope that she somehow would help me with telling that.

\- Few weeks ago I heard that from you … – So she remembered that conversation about relationships we had had some time ago. It didn't make things easier. It was so hard to show her that I was so stupid, so weak. She was still my boss, how could I get her respect, especially when she would put it together with that bathroom thing. But it was decided that I wanted to confide in her.

\- Yes. Indeed it's about long relationship.

\- You don't have to tell me if …

\- I want. For me it could be better. But I need some patience.

\- That's ok for me. Choose your own pace.

I hadn't seen her face showing so much care and welfare before. She wasn't curious, or just interested in knowing the reasons. Her face was showing that she wanted me to release myself from these secrets, past, misery. Probably she really cared about me. So it was time to tell it aloud.

\- B is for Brittany, S is for Susan, P is for Pierce. Brittany S. Pierce.

She wasn't surprised. It probably was obvious that it all had to be about girl.

\- Brittany S. Pierce. My first love. Maybe the only one, if you count only true love.

\- I see.

\- I don't want to tell you about our long history, cause it has been really long, since first days in high school. Anyway now it's all over. – I was talking fast not to let her interrupt me with some tough question. – It used to be over before, but not in such way. Last year, in the spring she wanted to reunite with me, I wanted that too but acted like a fool little girl, so she probably thought that I didn't want that, anyway some external factors showed up, and in the end she was lost.

\- Lost?

\- Yes, she is lost. I was looking for her via family, friends, private detective. Without any result. She is gone.

\- It's strange.

\- Yes it's strange, but also it's just hard to deal with.

\- Do you still love her?

I looked away and took my hand out of hers. It was simple question but the answer was so complicated and hard to express. I wasn't able to tell it calmly so I screamed it out and burst into tears.

\- I hate her but it's stronger than love! And missing her hurts so much!

She broke my resistance and took me into her arms. I didn't want it but when it happened I felt safe. I could be safe with her. She was holding me close for more than few minutes, I was shaking from cold air and my tears. But it was getting better. Like I was getting closer to being released. I pushed her slightly apart from my body, and looked into her eyes. She was still concerned and sad. I didn't want her to be sad because of me. In my mind I recalled her smile, that one I had seen in the audience during my performance. I didn't think about what I should do, it just happened. I leaned closer to her and put my lips on hers. It was like meeting of ice and sun. Her mouth were warm and soft and mine were livid from coldness and crying. But it was extraordinary kiss. Few times I gently grabbed her bottom lip into my mouth, then bit it lightly. Probably because of my confession she was waiting for my moves without any action. So I tried to get deeper and used my tongue to parted her lips. When I got inside it wasn't hard to find the way to start real passionate kiss. She joined me. It was very likely that it had been the longest kiss in my whole life. We couldn't parted. Probably both for their own reasons. I didn't want to look back. I couldn't. She was my chance to get fresh new start. But she was the one, who stopped it and got away from me.

\- San?

\- Hm?

\- It was nice kiss, but I don't want to be your comforter. I mean, not in that way.

\- So maybe we should go downstairs and try to recreate that little bathroom thing but in different configuration. – I thought that maybe that strange situation was hard for Nikki and we should discuss it to go forward.

\- No, no.

\- So it was as horrible as I remembered that.

It was good that my eyes and face had been already red from all that crying, cause I felt as my embarrassment was ready to show up. And Santana Lopez had never been embarrassed because of sex issues or skills. It was unacceptable.

\- No, not really. Maybe … I don't know. It was chaotic and so quick, so …

\- You don't remember exactly what happened, right? – I said that with a lot of hope and relief in my voice.

\- Santana I like, even enjoy sex without commitment, all that fun which is connected with intimacy and desire. Giving and getting orgasm from your partner. But …

\- I see, I was so selfish and didn't do anything to satisfy you. Shame on me.

\- It's still not the point.

\- So what? Am I not attractive enough?

\- Are you in the mood for joking, miss Lopez? You are 10 out of 10 type of girl.

\- So, so, so, so what?

\- To make everything clear, as you always love to do.

\- That's true. Our relation started with clearing up some subjects.

\- I'm attracted to you, in physical way. I also like you as a person. That incident in bathroom was strange, but I could easily go through it. But I want to make one thing so clear for you. I'm ready for sex without feelings and without commitment but I'm not ready for all that drama, which could go along with your confusion and heartbreak. I'm not type of girl, who wants to be a shoulder to cry on. If you want to have fun with me, so I'm more than ready. But if you want to repair your broken heart with my help, no, no, no, it's not a right address for that kind of services. Then I could help you as a friend, not girlfriend. I may even let you cry on my shoulder, but without kissing and fucking. Cause it wouldn't be good for me and for you neither. Is that clear?

After her words few minutes of silence passed by. She was damn right. I knew that my issues hadn't been resolved, that still I was so confused. But on the other hand after that conversation I saw Nikki in completely different light. She was not only crazy and funny but there was a lot of deeper wisdom and sensibility inside of her. I saw the chance to forget about BSP.

\- Is there any other option, for example friends with benefits? – I smiled at her teasingly.

\- Oh now. Santana, don't push your luck.

\- I'm joking. Calm down.

\- So, what do you want from me?

\- I'm ready.

\- For what exactly are you ready, hm?

I didn't want to search for right words, so I just kissed her again. That kiss was shorter, but as passionate as the last one.

\- I don't understand that answer.

\- Really, Nikki, don't you know what kisses are for?

I kissed her again. She was a good kisser, I hadn't noticed that before, cause I had been too focused on comparing every kiss with Brittany's way of kissing and I had always had to fight vision of Britt's face and lips in such moments. But that time I was focused on Nikki and I enjoyed her lips. It felt good. But she stopped me again.

\- I still don't know what are you up to. Clear answer Santana, now!

\- I want to be your friend, and sometimes cry on your shoulder.

\- I told you no crying, if you want kissing!

\- But most of all I want to explore some fucking awesome crazy sex with you.

\- So don't you dare to cry.

\- I won't.

\- And now it's too cold here for any sex, and hot especially. We are going under the deck.

\- Aye Aye Miss Captain.

We went downstairs, I was sure that it was something I needed and wanted. I was ready to forget. I hoped that I could do that.

The way she was making love to me, was a surprise. I was little ashamed that I had been thinking in that stereotypical way, but according to her image and personality, I had expected her to be the active one. But she was so gentle and devoted a lot of attention to caress so I had to take a charge. When I was inside of her and she was getting high, for the first time in months my mind was totally clear. The reason was unknown, but who cared.

Next day in the morning I woke up in her bed – naked, with her arms around me. She was still asleep. I looked at her face and tried to smile, but unfortunately couldn't. Clearness of my mind was still with me, but something had changed. I realized that the reason of that clearness was hidden in the fact that I had started new chapter of my life and there was no way back. Never. It was twofold feeling – something between happiness of released prisoner and anxiety of lost child. I didn't want to think about that. I woke Nikki up with sweet kiss and we recreated love scene from yesterday. I could easily get used to morning sex, and would love to repeat it every day before going out to work.


	28. Chapter 28

**CHAPTER 28 – Dancing into the future**

 ** _Camp Hill, 2015, first week of February_**

\- Welcome in Walmart. – I tried my best to smile at that old lady with dozen of cans with cats' food, but it was hard after eight hours of the same automatic moves and slogans. But fortunately in few minutes my third day at work would be finished. " _Thank God_ " I whispered quietly.

\- What did you say young lady, I couldn't hear.

\- I'm sorry, it's nothing important.

\- God is not important for you?

\- So did you hear that? So why … – I stopped, cause first of all I saw her face with tiny, furious eyes, and secondly I noticed that behind my back there was standing my manager. So there was no other option than apologize. – I'm sorry I will speak louder next time.

\- For all of you, for all young people, there is nothing saint in that world.

\- Thank you for your shopping and please visit Walmart again, soon.

\- Ok, Alice. It's enough for today. – Andrew, the manager turned on red light to close my checkout.

\- Thank you and sorry for making that lady angry.

\- It's not your fault, she is a tough customer. Everybody knows her, it's better not to start any conversation.

\- Ok, I will remember. – I smiled back at him. He was nice and was the one who had hired me without any documents and without Sue's accreditation. It was good to achieve something on my own. Or maybe because of my boobs, it was more accurate in that situation, according to the way he was looking at me.

I decided to go home by foot. The weather was awesome, it was still white but much warmer and at 6 PM I was able to admire sky full of stars. I tried to call Susan to tell her I was on my way home, but she wasn't available. I came into bakery to buy some pie for our evening movie session.

\- How can I help you? – The saleswoman had very nice voice, I thought that she would be perfect to deal with that old lady with cat's food.

\- Could you recommend me something from pies?

\- It's late so there is no much of choice. Cheesecake or apple pie.

\- I could recommend Cheesecake, it's the best in the city. – Some man's voice was heard from the back. I turned around to see Danny. He was drinking coffee at one of the tables.

\- Hello. – I was sincerely glad to see him. He was the second person in whole world I could recognize and it was definitely nice feeling to find anything familiar.

\- So maybe I could order some Cheesecake and you would join me? – He offered.

\- It's a shame but I can't.

\- You're breaking my heart, Beauty.

\- I don't want to interrupt, but what should I pack for you lady? – The saleswoman's voice turned to be quite offensive.

\- Cheesecake, takeaway.

I paid and came back to Danny's table.

\- I wish that I could join you here, but maybe next time.

\- Some plans for the evening?

\- Not really, just some movie with Susan.

\- What's in theatres now, I'm not up to date.

\- We are having our own séance, at home.

\- I see. So you live with her?

\- Yes. – I didn't know why but it felt somehow uncomfortable to talk about that with him.

\- So next time?

\- Yes.

\- Can I get your number or should we rely on a random meeting?

\- If somebody likes to play with destiny? – I winked at him but immediately regretted that, cause he took my hand and kissed it. It was strange.

\- I'm not.

\- So here's my number. Note it. – I dictated him a sequence of numbers, said " _Bye_ " and left immediately.

When I came back home, Sue wasn't there. I went upstairs to take a shower and eat something, but when I finished she still wasn't there. I was sure that she had day off, I tried to reach her on the phone, but unsuccessfully. I went back downstairs and was trying to look for some notes in the kitchen, when I heard the sound of opening doors.

\- Finally, I was worrying … – I stopped cause she wasn't alone. Some woman was with her, I was sure that I knew her but couldn't remember her name.

\- Hi Alice, it's warmer so we are going back to jogging.

\- That's nice to do sports, I guess.

\- Alice, do you remember, it's Lindsay.

\- Hi, Alice. – When she came closer and gave me her hand, I recognized her as nurse from hospital.

\- Yes, yes. I remember. So, hm jogging? Why am I not invited?

\- You have perfect body, don't need that. Don't you think Susan? – Lindsay said that, as if she needed it. She was an owner of quite hot body herself, especially in that tight running clothes.

\- Yes. It's true. – I saw that giving that answer made Susan uncomfortable, but Lindsay didn't pay attention to that.

\- Ok, I understand you don't want me in your medic club. – I said that rather as a joke.

\- Medic club? Susan is there something you are not telling me? – Lindsay looked at Susan and then at me suspiciously.

\- No. Alice, I don't know what are you talking about.

\- I'm just kidding.

\- I know. And I'm only pretending to be so serious. Anyway girls, I'm taking my car and as fast as possible drive to see and not only see my lady lover. And you could discuss medic club as long as you want. Bye.

When Susan closed doors behind Lindsay, I couldn't wait any minute longer to ask that question, even if I was more than sure that I shouldn't, if I didn't want Susan to consider me as a gossiper.

\- Is she a lesbian?

And these were another words that day that I immediately regretted. Susan looked at me with mysterious sadness in her eyes and also with some of disgust.

\- Something like sexual orientation is such a personal issue, so you should ask her not me. If you are so curious.

I wasn't curious. I was excited, and maybe that made my voice sound curiously but it wasn't about that. Meeting a lesbian could be a possibility to talk about my own dilemma. About my hidden desires and feelings … but wait it wasn't possible after all cause she was a friend of Susan. I couldn't talk with her about my doubts.

After few minutes of uncomfortable silence, I made Sue laugh with stories about customers. It was good that she wasn't able to be mad at me for long time.

Next day, about 5 PM I got a text from unknown number. It was Danny, he wanted to see me at club in city center, for karaoke. After recalling feeling of his kiss on my hand I was sure that I didn't want to meet him alone before I would be sure what was right for me. I took out the phone.

\- What's up Alice?

\- Sue, are you in hospital?

\- Yes, I have one last hour ahead.

\- Great. Is there Lindsay too?

\- We have matching timetables this week. But why? It's about jogging?

\- No, no, no. Danny asked me out for karaoke … Sue are you here?

\- Yes, I'm listening.

\- And I need hmm …

\- Alice please, hurry up. I still have patients to check on. Do you need some help with clothes or make up or something?

\- No. He asked me to invite you and Lindsay, she could bring her girlfriend too if she wants. – It wasn't true, but maybe she would buy it.

\- So why didn't he call us directly?

\- I don't know, but please agree. It's important.

\- I don't understand what you are up to, but I will ask Linds and call you back.

\- Thank, you my angel.

Sue called me back in few minutes. She wasn't pleased, I heard that in her voice but as she said Lindsay and Maria had happily agreed, so she couldn't reject that proposal either.

I was sure that it would be horrible evening. I would be somewhere between two couples, Lindsay with Maria and Alice with Danny. How the hell had that happened that I had agreed to go along with that. And if it wouldn't be hard enough to see Lindsay with her lower, happy as out and proud lesbian or bi after few months of experimenting, when I hadn't been able to handle that situation for my whole life, that would be definitely more hurtful to see – my Alice, I liked to think about her that way, as mine. If I couldn't be close to her, in real close way, how could I stand the vision of her with some man. I was thinking about some excuse not to go, but it was too late. Alice knocked on my doors.

\- Just a minute.

There was no time left to invent something, so I would have to go. But after all it could be good to wake up from that dream about fake happiness based on utopia that Alice wouldn't need anything more than my friendship. I needed waking up. I opened the doors. But it wouldn't be so easy … Alice looked great, it was casual, some tight jeans and nice shirt, but on her it looked extraordinary. She was fucking sexy. But she dressed up not for me, but for Danny.

\- Sue, you look great. It's beautiful dress. – When she told that I realized that I was overdressed. I hadn't been out in any club for so long, that I forgot that wasn't something like formal party.

\- I should change.

\- No way. You look purrrrrfect.

\- Purrrfect? Hm, nice word.

\- It's like a kitty version of perfect.

\- Ok. So puuuurfect. Let's go.

\- It's not puuurfect, it's purrrrfect.

I just laughed. She was so amazing with everything she was doing, how could I stand that. How could I stand and resist her purrrrfectness?

We entered club about 9 PM, Danny had already been there. He came to us to say hallo.

\- Hello girls, it's nice to see you. And doc, it's like a miracle.

\- What? – It was loud and I barely heard him, but it was easy to notice that he was surprised. Maybe he didn't expect me to come or even hadn't invited me and Alice had done that so I wouldn't be sad and alone at home. I felt even more horrible with that thought.

\- It's miracle to get you out of home. I've tried so many times and always failed. Alice has some super power.

\- Maybe. – I looked at him closer. He was smiling, maybe after all he was just surprised cause indeed I had always declined all invitations.

\- Hello everybody. – Lindsay joined us with loud welcome. And now Danny's face was priceless. He was shocked even more. I was sure that in our group, most of people were uninvited guests.

\- Hi Linds.

\- Susan, Alice, Danny, it's Maria, my girlfriend. – I took her hand. She was pretty, and somehow without any deeper consideration, I could say that she looked perfect with Linds, they were cute couple. Jealousy hit my heart for a moment " _Why am I not able to be so out and proud, why?_ ".

We went to the table, Danny ordered some drinks for us. On the stage there was some man singing Aerosmith's " _Crazy_ ". Everything could be so nice, but there were too many "if" to achieve that. Danny was openly flirting with Alice. Probably it supposed to be their date, but for unknown reason Alice had invited three chaperons. Maybe two of them weren't so good at their job, cause most of the time they were spending on kissing and flirting with each other.

\- After all it is karaoke, so I won't take no for an answer. – Danny's voice brought me back to reality.

\- What?

\- Sue are you here with us or what? – Alice was looking at me from very dangerous, close distance. And I felt in my blood all of these drinks I had drunk. I was there with them but I was close to fly away. I had to focus.

\- What karaoke? – I asked like an idiot.

\- Our performance it's next in line. We have to make little preparation before hitting the stage. – Alice took my hand and tried to make me stand up.

\- What do you mean? – I was still confused. I heard their voices, even words, but couldn't understand the meaning of sentences.

\- Susan, we are going to perform " _Dancing queen_ ".

\- We?

\- All of us, Abba in five people option. – Danny said through some laughs. He was probably shocked and couldn't recognize Susan, I meant me, in that club version, after few drinks.

I had no other option. They were waiting for me and I had no strength to run away. I joined the stage with them. So fucking great, we were brand new five members version of Abba.

 _You can dance, you can jive, having the time of your life  
See that girl, watch that scene, digging the Dancing Queen_

First verse was sung by Lindsay. She had quite nice voice, not like mine. I decided that I wouldn't sing, I could be there on stage with them, but I wouldn't make fool of myself, there in public.

 _Friday night and the lights are low  
Looking out for the place to go  
Where they play the right music, getting in the swing  
You come in to look for a king … I mean Quinn_

Maria was singing directly to her Quinn. They were adorable couple, but I wasn't sure if I could stand all that sweetness between two of them. Lindsay was totally in love, I hadn't seen her that way with her husband, not even once, not even close to that. How could it be ok for me to share the stage with two girls making out, while in my whole life I had been so afraid to be outed. It was complicated, definitely too much for my current state of mind.

 _Anybody could be that guy  
Night is young and the music's high  
With a bit of rock music, everything is fine  
You're in the mood for a dance  
And when you get the chance..._

 _"_ _Fuck Danny!"_ in my imagination I was able to come between him and Alice and sing something to get her attention, but in the reality it couldn't work out cause he was so intensively staring at her and Alice, hm … she was staring and smiling at him too. " _Fuck!_ " and if it mattered, I couldn't sing at all.

 _You are the Dancing Queen, young and sweet, only seventeen  
Dancing Queen, feel the beat from the tambourine  
You can dance, you can jive, having the time of your life  
See that girl, watch that scene, digging the Dancing Queen_

 _"_ _Wow! Alice is better than these girls from Abba. She has voice like an angel"_ I had to bring myself to order, probably it didn't look good to stare at her with my mouths opened. But maybe that stupid look on my face caught her attention cause she turned to me, took my hands and pulled me to the front. " _Fuck, it is my turn._ " Alice tried to encourage me to start singing, but I couldn't, so she started to sing herself, trying still to make me join her. And finally, thanked to her hands on mine and her wonderful blue eyes, through which she was smiling at me, I was ready and started to sing with her. So we were singing together, she so loud and clear and me under my nose, out of tune.

 _You're a teaser, you turn 'em on  
Leave them burning and then you're gone  
Looking out for another, anyone will do  
You're in the mood for a dance  
And when you get the chance..._

When she let go of my hands, and I went to back row, we were singing all together (everybody besides me of course) and she stayed on front to give show of her other skills. Alice was dancing like a professional dancer, like Dancing Queen in the flesh. I was amazed with what I was seeing. She even performed the splits. It couldn't be done without preparation.

 _You are the Dancing Queen, young and sweet, only seventeen  
Dancing Queen, feel the beat from the tambourine  
You can dance, you can jive, having the time of your life  
See that girl, watch that scene, digging the Dancing Queen_

Everybody in the club was applauding us, or rather applauding Alice, and they were doing that so enthusiastically. But I was feeling little weak and took the first opportunity to come back to the table. Rest of our pack, was in better shapes, so they took a chance to dance to next performer's ballad. I didn't know that song, but it was something so slow. I looked at Lindsay and Maria, they were smooching, and time after time shared a kiss. I looked around the club, it wasn't gay club, but nobody seemed to care, nobody stared at them, they were threaten like every other couple on the dance floor, like Danny and Alice for example. I didn't want to stare at them. It wasn't anything wrong in that situation, he was single, she was single, they were both nice, good-looking and young, indeed much younger than me. But for my own reasons that view was painful, so I turned around and went to the bar for another shot of Martini. When I came back with the glass, Alice and Danny were sitting at our table. They were discussing something.

\- Sue? Another drink? Will you be able to find you bed tonight?

\- Hopefully … yes. – I was thinking about saying no, but it could cause some misunderstanding, so I bit my tongue.

\- Alice, don't be so overprotective. Susan is a big girl and can take care of herself. And even if she finds someone's else bed, it won't be a tragedy, right?

I was looking at Danny, while he was saying that, and then smiled at him lightly, but I would prefer to hit him and made him disappear. Unfortunately I was pushed to sit next to him, cause Alice was sitting on the shore. I wanted to focus on my drink, to forget about my unwelcome thoughts, but Alice decided otherwise and started to speak to me. My mind was spinning and I understood only one word in every sentence.

\- Susan, don't … that … wrong?

\- Hmm?

\- … Danny is wrong … that … dance … impossible.

\- I agree. – I heard that Danny was wrong with something, so I had and wanted to agree, it had to be true.

Alice was looking at me with disbelief or even disappointment. So maybe I was supposed to disagree with her statement about Danny and she expected me to say that Danny couldn't be wrong. I decided to put more effort in focusing on her words.

\- Sue am I the only one who thinks that past doesn't matter as long as we discover what we want.

 _"_ _Oh fuck, it is too serious and wise sentence for me to decomposed into prime factors."_ I didn't know what to answer. I had to admit that Danny came to my rescue then.

\- Alice I'm not telling that only past matters, but I'm sure that you used to dance in the past, cause otherwise it wouldn't be possible to dance the way you did. Doc, do you remember that during therapy I said that Alice's muscles probably belonged to some athlete or dancer, hm?

\- Yee. – I didn't remember that exactly, but I was recalling something like that. Indeed, he had told that once. Maybe even more than once. It didn't matter anyway. I had to focus, focus not to blow away or say something stupid. " _Saying something stupid like I love you._ " How the hell these lyrics came to me, was it Sinatra or what?

\- It doesn't matter if I used to dance or not. I just want to try it, now. – Alice's voice interrupted that nice melody in my head.

\- And that's the way it should be. – I looked at her with so much pride. It was even more strange than that melody in my head, the fact that immediately the whole sense of that discussion hit me and I was sure that Alice was doing the right thing and that what she had said was so smart.

\- Yes Susan, for me it doesn't matter if I used to be a dancer or whatever else, it matters that during songs I get a beat and something pushes me to dance. I don't know if I used to love it, but today during that song I felt like there was nothing else better for me. Exactly as if I was born to dance, right?

\- Right, it's so wise Alice.

\- And it's totally compatible with doctor Antonio's treatment. He said me to focus on the future and forget about past, cause only that way I could get my memories back.

\- It's quite complicated, don't you think?

\- Come on Danny, it's simple.

\- So dance with me, future dancer.

He pulled her to the dance floor again. And I was left alone at our table. Lindsay and Maria were missed in action. There was only me and Martini. And a little bit of my thoughts either. I realized that with every day Alice had become more mature and more confident, also definitely more independent. Maybe faster than I had expected she would be ready to start life on her own, somewhere outside my house. But it wasn't the most important anxiety connected with that. She was no longer some nice, funny, beautiful young girl, after all out there was a lot of blondes, some of them even ready to fuck me, but … she had started to become very interesting, intriguing and breathtaking woman and … unavailable for me. I looked at the dance floor, she was dancing close to Danny, with her arms on his shoulders and his on her hips. Unfortunately they looked good together, so I turned around.

\- I'm sorry Sue, we didn't want you to be alone but … – I looked at Lindsay, her flushed face showed that they had been indeed missed in action.

\- That's ok.

\- Maria and I, we … you know.

\- Yes, I know. – I smiled at them jealously.

At 3.25 AM taxi stopped in front of our house. I definitely needed some help to get out, so Danny came to give me helpful arm. When I was on the sidewalk, Alice was still in the car. I thought that maybe she was going to his place. I decided to run away as quickly as possible.

\- God nit. Thankk. – I bubbled something under my nose and ran to open the doors.

\- Bye, doc.

When I walked into the hall, I heard that car drove away. Probably they were waiting for me to come in. They were fucking caring about my well being. I was again alone in that house. It had been so easy to get used to be there with Alice. And it would be so empty without her.

\- Sue, don't leave me outside, my stairs are too steep for tonight.

\- What are you doing here?

\- I'm living here, right?

\- Right, but Danny?

\- What about him?

\- I don't know.

\- Do you want to throw me out or what?

\- No way but …

\- What?

\- Never mind.

Every stairs were too steep for that night. After several unsuccessful attempts we fell asleep in living room, on the couches.

Lyrics used in this chapter

 _ABBA "_ _Dancing Queen"_


	29. Chapter 29

**CHAPTER 29 – Trying to convince everyone (including myself) what is best for me**

 ** _New York, 2015, 14_** ** _th_** ** _of February_**

I was counting every minute and second, I had never been a fan of waiting, but since last May, every kind of waiting had transformed into synonymous of some tragic nightmare. I had decided to never again wait for anybody or anything. It would be definitely better to take what I wanted than wait for something I couldn't have. But unfortunately, on that Saturday morning I was once again waiting. That time on Central Station, for Quinn and Puck. They were about to come at 11 AM, but it was already 11.35 AM, and it was announced that their train would have another 15 minutes delay.

It was Valentine's Day, but I didn't have any plans for the evening. Yesterday I had said Nikki, that I wouldn't be able to meet her cause my long not seen friends were about to come. It wasn't exactly true, of course they were coming, but we didn't have any common plans for that day, I even had predicted that they would have completely personal and intimate activities planned for tonight, but anyway I wasn't ready for Valentine's date with Nikki. For two weeks we had been having great sex and had been on few outgoings, like cinema or dinner, but it hadn't been anything even close to so called romantic dates. I had found it as friends or co-workers regular meetings, which had had its final in bed. Valentine's date wouldn't fit into that scheme. And I didn't want to make any changes. It was comfortable the way it worked. I was pleased cause for few weeks my mind had been much more clearer, I had been able to sleep every night without dreams about Britt, I had had more energy thanked to satisfying sex life, at work it had been ok, nothing had changed, Nikki had been acting like before. So I was glad and content, sure that finally I had found right way to live through my life.

I looked at the clock, it was 11.53 AM. I felt temptation to skip that waiting, but on the other hand I felt excitement, while I thought about meeting with Quinn and Puck. So I waited few minutes more, finally on 11.59 AM I saw them. I had to admit that they looked great together. Quinn was even more beautiful than at school, after having sex with her I could admit that she was breathtaking beauty. Before that event it had been a matter of competition between us, then I had had possibility to count it as my trophy, having such a hot girl in my bed. And now she looked more beautiful, cause she was more mature and maybe even more confident. She looked hot as hell. And Puck, well if I could be interested, I definitely would be. There had been nothing left from that funky boy from McKinley High, at that moment he was handsome, well-kept and attractive man. And together both of my exes, if I could count Quinn as my ex, looked just smoking hot. But what hit me more than that, for the first time I had seen that they were not just a physically beautiful couple, cause it was also easy to see love, which they were sharing, with their moves, gestures, looks. " _Santana are you little jealous? No way, love is for kids. I don't want it anymore._ "

\- Welcome in New York! – I greeted them with a lot of enthusiasm. I was sincerely glad to see them. I had already forgotten about that waiting thing.

\- Hi San. You look hot as hell. – Puck winked at me.

\- Don't say that if you don't want her to be jealous. – I responded with sexy pose and tone.

\- Have you already forgotten that jealousy is the best thing for heating up atmosphere? Are out of the play Santana? – Puck smiled at me. But seeing my face, he must have realized that his comment wasn't funny at all.

\- Don't be afraid. I won't be jealous. Not now. – Quinn smiled mysteriously.

\- What do you mean? Do you think that now I wouldn't be able to seduce any man I chose. – I realized that in my voice, there could be something between anger and resentment noticed.

\- I know that, but I also know that you won't choose any man. Not again. Right?

\- Right. But potentially every woman still should consider me as a treat.

\- And I have something else on my mind, but it's a secret, I will tell you later.

\- So, let's go now. I have spent too much time on Central Station today.

We entered restaurant about 9 PM. It had been impossible to get ready earlier, when at apartment there had been four people, who had needed long session in front of the mirror before departure. Fortunately Quinn had made online reservation, cause other way there would be no chance to get any free table at Valentine's evening.

\- We look like group of desperadoes.

\- What do you mean Rachel? Do you really have to start your complaining on every occasion? – Hearing sound of her voice, I felt that some new drama was coming. What would it be that time, bad hair-do, not enough elegant dress, water unhealthy for her voice.

\- Everywhere around us there are couples, and we …

\- We are group of friends, something's wrong with that? – I asked her immediately, before she was able to finish, trying to stop my need to be rude.

\- On Valentines we all should be on dates, it's pathetic to be alone at that night. It's so not right in the light of publicity.

\- Rachel we are all together, you are not alone. Being here as five it's better, the likelihood of boredom and quarrels are minimized. – Puck added, putting a lot of effort into remaining serious, even if it was so easy to notice that he was about to laugh out loud. Looking at him at that moment I hoped that maybe after all old Puckerman hadn't disappeared completely.

\- And do you really need to have somebody to show him to the whole world on one day in the year or do you want to share your life with somebody, to wake up next to him on every morning? – Quinn asked Rachel with disbelief. Could it be the beginning of new era for miss Fabray, the phase of being hopelessly romantic or it was just temporary state of mind connected with her happiness in relationship with Puck.

\- Of course that second option would be better, but at that moment of my career, I don't have enough time to build any serious relationship.

Rachel said that without any sign of jesting in her voice. Quinn exchanged some full of meaning look with me and then with Puck. Probably at that moment three of us thought that it was possible that Rachel really believed in that statement but it also could be only an excuse to not feel sorry for herself.

\- Talking about serious relationships … – Puck started, but he wasn't able to finish cause Quinn put her fingers on his lips. Looking at her hand I realized what that meeting would be about.

\- Baby, let me announce that. – Quinn was shining. I thought that probably it was the way that true happiness looked like. Puck raised his hands in gesture of giving up, she took her hand from his mouth and all in smiles delivered big news. – We are getting married.

\- When?

\- Where?

\- How?

\- Are you pregnant?

Rachel and Kurt competed in asking questions. But finally when they stopped, we got some more details. The wedding would take place in June, after Quinn's graduation. Location had been already chosen, it would be big party for about 150 people, organized in hotel few miles from Lima, next to some creek. I wasn't very much involved in discussion about organizational issues. In my mind I went away to totally different place, I recalled my own daydream about wedding with Britt, but that time as my bride I saw Nicole. I wasn't able to imagine her wearing a dress, so she was standing next to me in some elegant, white suit, without shirt under it, so her boobs were quite visible. She looked sexy. I surprised myself with that thought. In my fantasy she was smiling at me, before she confessed " _I love you_ ", and then I smiled back at her.

\- Why are you smiling, San? – I heard Quinn's voice, as if it was coming from other galaxy.

\- What?

\- Are you listening to us?

\- No … No, I mean that yes.

\- Are you ill or in love? – Quinn asked curiously.

\- As if it wouldn't be the same state of mind. – Kurt added with nostalgic gaze.

\- I don't have any idea what are you guys talking about. I smiled, cause I was happy for you two. Nothing more.

\- If you say so. Anyway, before you smiled with that dazed gaze, I had asked you a question, and I'm still waiting for an answer.

\- What question?

\- So you weren't listening. I was right.

\- Ok, I have to admit. But I was thinking about my work, to clear that up.

\- Oh, really? About work or boss? – Rachel put her two cents in.

\- Yes, really Rachel, only about work. And that question Quinn, what was it?

\- Will you be my first bridesmaid?

\- Yes of course! – I answered immediately and with lot of sincere enthusiasm. I stood up and hugged her. I was really happy.

We came back to our apartment about 3 AM. I was exhausted, but really glad. It had been nice evening. It had felt really good to be around friends, with someone besides Rachel and Kurt.

After little mess with using bathroom, everybody went to bed. Rachel to her bedroom, Kurt to the living room, to makeshift sleeping place on the couch, and our lovebirds to Kurt's bedroom. I was in mine room, already in bed, when I heard knocking.

\- May I? – It was Quinn.

\- Come in. Or wait, Puck will be jealous?! After all we have shared bed once.

\- Maybe even twice.

\- Maybe. So?

\- Don't worry, he would be more than happy to see us together during some hot lesbian sex.

\- Do you want to offer him something like that as pre-wedding gift?

\- Not really.

\- And so?

\- I want to talk.

\- So come here.

She joined me, under my quilt. I knew that her statement about our hot lesbian sex, it had been nothing more than joke. But it was inexplicably nice thought that I could have both of them, that I was so hot and impossible to resist.

\- It's late. Aren't you tired? – I asked her out of concern, not as manifestation of desire to get rid of her.

\- Not really, since engagement I have been so excited that sleep was last point on my list.

\- Sex for 24/7?

\- That's too.

\- I see that you are really happy, it was worth to w … – I paused, cause I didn't know how to end that sentence, and I definitely didn't want to tell that anything could be worth waiting. Cause I hated all kind of waiting.

\- Waiting?

\- Yes, but I was looking for more accurate word.

\- But it is true, we have been waiting. At high school we weren't ready to be together, we needed some separate time, to grow and to get to know that all that we wanted was so close for all the time.

\- But you haven't been passively waiting.

\- And you are still waiting, passively?

\- No.

\- That's good. I was afraid that you wouldn't be at better shape than on Christmas.

\- I am.

\- Can we talk about the reasons, or is it a secret?

\- There is no reason for that.

\- There is always something.

\- It's only time.

\- Really?

\- Maybe not.

\- So? Don't be so mysterious. Is there somebody new? Kurt and Rachel didn't want to say anything.

\- Really? I don't buy it.

\- Ok, maybe they said something, that's why I want to know some more details. You will be my first bridesmaid. I have to know, who you will bring to the wedding.

\- So maybe I will give up that function. If that's a problem.

\- Stop, Santana I'm just joking. And I want to know as your friend not as a future bride.

\- Ok, ok, ok. But don't be so excited, cause there is nothing to be excited about.

\- Alright, I'm just listening.

\- I decided to stop thinking about Brittany, I'm not interested in her anymore, she disappeared from my life, first physically and then mentally. I was too tired of waiting.

\- Not every time waiting is worth it.

\- True. So I'm not waiting anymore. That's it.

\- Don't be so frugal in words. Maybe some hot details and some reasons for smiling at yourself? Are you in love with that Nicole?

\- Fuck, so they told you, little gossipers.

\- No, it's only my sixth sense.

\- And probably they added a lot spicy details from their own imagination.

\- So clear it up.

\- She is my boss. We have great sex. I like spending time with her, but nothing more.

\- It could be complicated, boss, lover and friend. Hard to connect, right?

\- It's risky, but as far I have been glad.

\- Only glad?

\- Only.

\- Any butterflies in the stomach?

\- All insects flew away with Brittany. But it's even better, I came back to my old motto, that without feelings life was better.

\- Maybe easier?

\- Easier and better.

I heard knocking again, that time it was Puck.

\- I have to be rescued from all that pink pillows.

\- I thought that you would like Kurt's place, it's definitely more romantic that mine. So …

\- But I can't be alone there. Quinn right now, let's go!

\- Just a minute baby, we are in the middle of something.

\- Can I join you, girls? Any chance for triangle?

\- Fuck off, Puck. – I throw pillow at him.

\- Interesting foreplay. – He hit back at me.

Our pillow fight was finished when Quinn punched him and he in return caught her and lifted on his shoulders and started to kiss passionately.

\- Find another room guys.

\- Bye, San.

They left my room, Puck carried her in his arms. I could easily stated that I was little jealous. At the same time it was the first moment since dinner, when I was able to think about why I had fantasized about wedding with Nikki. It was strange and unexpected. Maybe I didn't want to think about it at all. I looked at my phone it was 4.05 AM, and I had one new message. Nikki had sent it, before midnight.

" _Happy Valentine's Day and so on. I wish that you didn't refuse heart-shaped chocolates, teddy bear and some hot Valentine's love making. Maybe next year you won't be afraid to meet me on that most romantic day in the year? xoxo Nikki_ "

I typed and clicked on "Send" before I could properly consider my response.

" _Thanks for wishes. Why do you think that I was afraid of anything? San_ "

In few seconds, I got another text message from her.

" _Maybe you were afraid that you could fall in love ;-) with little help of that magical day._ "

Once again I responded without consideration.

 _"_ _Why aren't you asleep, have you been waiting for my answer till the next morning?"_

I didn't know why I didn't put the phone down and go sleep. I had to admit that I was waiting, yes I was waiting again. Finally after few minutes her answer came.

" _Not really, I'm at the party. But as you know, my phone is always with me._ "

Now I was sure that it was time to go to sleep. I did not want to admit that even to myself that thought that she was at some party was not the most pleasant one.

" _Ok, so have a nice time. Bye_ "

I turned off the phone, I didn't want to receive any other messages. I didn't know where and with whom she was at that party. It shouldn't matter to me, but I felt something like little twinge of jealousy.

\- I want to meet her.

In our kitchen, during breakfast Quinn was looking at me, but I was pretending that she wasn't talking to me or that I didn't understand what she was talking about.

\- San, I'm talking to you.

\- About what?

\- About your Nicole.

\- There is nobody, whom you can call my Nicole.

\- So just Nicole.

\- Why?

\- Because, I want to know if she is really good for you, I know what you need, I'm your friend, and according to Rachel's opinion, I could be worried.

\- Come on. Since when Rachel's opinion could mean anything?

\- I just want to meet her. Don't be afraid.

\- Fuck, I'm not afraid of anything. But I don't see any sense in that.

\- So threat it as pre-wedding gift for bride, whose maid you will be.

\- Great. Now everything will be about your wedding.

\- Let me enjoy that in full spectrum.

\- Ok … you should know that no me gusta but I will ask her to join us tomorrow for dress searching.

\- It's not a good idea. – Rachel spoke up. I hadn't noticed that she was in the kitchen. I looked at her with glare. – I'm only saying that she might be bored on that kind of meeting.

\- And why the hell do you care about that?

\- In addition, she might hamper us in choosing dress, she does know nothing at all about dresses.

\- It's my dress and I don't have anything against it. So San, I'm expecting to meet her tomorrow.

\- I can't promise that she will be interested and available, she works a lot.

\- No excuses.

\- Hi Nikki.

\- Hi, my shrew.

\- I'm not yours and I'm not shrew.

\- Maybe a little?

\- Maybe I'm a bit like shrew, but only sometimes. And definitely I'm not yours. Anyway I'm calling with some offer.

\- Sex or sex?

\- Not this time.

\- Uuuu … it's a shame.

\- I can agree with you.

\- So why do you want to offer something else?

\- I promised.

\- So? What's up?

\- Tomorrow, 5 PM, 5th Avenue, boutiques with wedding gowns, are you in?

\- Fuck, Santana, I am not prepared for proposal. Still I have not bought a ring.

\- But maybe I did.

\- For something like that I'm even less ready.

\- Let's go off these jokes, it's about Quinn.

\- Queen of England or Freddie's band?

\- My friend Quinn, she is getting married, I will be the first bridesmaid and she wants to meet you.

\- Why? I'm sure that I won't be helpful in some wedding store.

\- We all know that, Rachel warned Quinn, but she wants to meet you as my potential partner for wedding.

\- Hmm. Are we going together? It's probably as serious as proposal.

\- Come on, I'm just not ready to go alone, it would hurt my pride too much and looking for somebody for one evening, it's just a waste of time.

\- If you say so.

\- Anyway, still it's not an invitation, only a friend's meeting in a store. Who knows what will happen till June. Is it clear?

\- Yes.

\- So?

\- I'll come.

\- Ok. And today, aren't you tired?

\- No, but why should I and why are you asking?

\- Nothing.

\- Party was nice. But not so exhausting, I didn't get locked up in bathroom with anybody.

\- I am not asking about that.

\- Really?

\- No. Anyway I have to go, Quinn is calling me.

\- Bye.

We were standing in the front of Saks Salon, waiting for Nikki. It was 4.55 PM. Probably she was still at work, or on her way from office. I had day off, in the morning we had been in Central Park with Puck and Kurt, then boys had gone in their own direction (even if Kurt would rather advise in choosing dress for Quinn), and we had already visited few stores.

\- This ring is so beautiful, Puck has wonderful taste. – Rachel looked at Quinn's hand with longing gaze.

\- And big. He must have spent lot of money on it. – I added.

\- Don't be such a materialist. Size doesn't matter. It's all about feelings.

\- If you say so, Rach. – I winked at Quinn. Probably both of us had some dirty thoughts at that moment.

\- I wish that I …

\- What?

\- I was thinking about Finn, we … it was possible for us to be married, but it didn't happen. And now I will never get married.

\- Why? – I looked at her surprised, even if that wasn't so surprising, after all who would want to marry her and listen to her complaining and fantasies about Broadway, till death tear them apart.

\- I don't have time for that. Broadway is waiting.

I exchanged some meaningful glances with Quinn. It was funny how Rachel was excusing everything with mantra about Broadway. Sometimes when I wasn't so focused on myself, I was able to see that she was lonely. I was sure that Broadway was only an excuse, that deep inside she was afraid to get involved again. I didn't know why, but Kurt was doing the same. Maybe they both were waiting for something as spectacular as their relationships with Finn and Blaine. It was stupid, waiting was stupid. Or maybe I wanted to ensure myself that getting substitute for love was way better than waiting.

\- Hi, I'm sorry for being late.

\- You must be Nicole, right?

\- Yes. And you are probably bride to be, Quinn.

\- That's right. San, are you here with us? Your girl is here.

\- She is not my girl!

It had been nice afternoon. Quinn had chosen wonderful dress, in which she had been more gorgeous than some princess or even real queen. Nikki had been having fun, had been sociable and humorous as always. Everything had gone well.

\- San? – Quinn visited my bedroom as it had happened two previous nights in the row.

\- Hm?

\- I'm surprised.

\- Because?

\- Nikki is different, I mean that I was prepared for the way she looked like, but …

\- Oh, come on Quinn. Not every girl has to look like a Barbie doll.

\- No, it's not about that she is a butch. Is it a right word?

\- Yes, it is. But I don't think that it's accurate. She has her own style, she doesn't have to wear dresses to be feminine woman.

\- But I'm talking about the way she was acting. She was joking, I'm sure that she is smart, nice, interesting. I noticed that she was giving you some challenges, that there was some game between two of you.

\- And so what?

\- She is not your type, physically, but she has interesting personality.

\- What's your point?

\- She seems to be better option for relationship than for one night's stands.

\- I don't know what are you trying to tell me.

\- It's strange that you have sex with somebody, you are not attracted too, and it's not a relationship, while you are getting along so well.

\- It's really simple. I'm not attracted to her, so I could have sex with her without any feelings, and it's not dangerous for our friendship. We are friends with benefits, but in better option, we couldn't be attracted to one another, so nobody will be hurt, cause nobody will fall in love. It's simple situation with risk minimized to zero. Only one bad point is the fact that she is my boss, but I can handle that.

\- I'm not so sure.

\- But I'm. Better admit that you don't want me to bring her to the wedding. Cause your family won't accept butch and femme lesbian couple, which are not a couple after all, but nobody could treat them as friends, cause it's so obvious that there is something more in it, cause in your opinion she is trying to look like a man.

\- Come on, you are unfair, it's totally out of question. You can bring whoever you want. And I don't know why you are saying that I think that she wants to look like a man. It's not true.

\- Whatever you think, she doesn't want and doesn't look like a guy, I don't see it that way and I have to admit that I'm starting to like her style. And after all in our pseudo relation everything that matters to me is happening without clothes, and there is no option to mistake sexes.

\- You are bad girl San, you know that.

\- Santana Lopez is back and this topic is closed.

She raised her hands in gesture of giving up and changed subject into more comfortable. We discussed list of things to do before June. It was quite long list … these few months would be busy … and that would be great addition to my new, improved way of handling with the past. By the way I had to boast that I did not remember the last time I had dreamed about Britt, it had been quite long ago, definitely more than a week.


	30. Chapter 30

Hello :-) Sorry for delay, but I had very tough time at work. I will come with next chapters but for few weeks it won't be so regular as in the begging.

CHAPTER 30 – When the past and the future come together

 ** _Camp Hill, 2015, last week of February_**

\- I did it, I did it, I did it! Sue where are you?

\- In the kitchen.

\- Sue, I did it! – I stormed into kitchen, cause as soon as possible, I had to share that news with Susan.

\- What did you do? – She looked at me from above the pot with some deliciously smelling meat. She was great chef. But I couldn't let my hunger distract me, not at that moment.

\- Susan, today is the first day of my new life.

\- What do you mean? – She put aside the pot and looked at me with some worrying in her gaze.

\- My future is in my own hands.

\- Still don't get it, you are talking in riddles.

\- Sorry, I'm too excited, cause it's really big thing.

\- So? Alice, do you want to kill me with that uncertainty?

\- From Monday I'm on course for modern dance instructors.

\- That's great! – She told that as if she had been expecting to hear something bad and then she was relieved.

\- Yes, I'm more than happy and excited and … into mood for dancing.

I didn't care about that meat, she was preparing, and didn't think if she wanted that or not, I just took Sue into my arms and danced with her around the kitchen. I had known her for two months now but maybe because of the fact that she had been spending so much time next to me while I had been asleep or maybe reason was connected with that we had been living together and spending a lot of time around each other, anyway I had a feeling as if I had known her for much longer and I felt at ease with her.

\- Alice why are you crying? After all ending of this story is quite good.

I turned off TV and looked at her. Could she be so deeply affected by that movie, we had just watched. It was good and intriguing, maybe even a little scary but not sentimental. And today, after signing up for the course, she had been more excited than ever. So from where did these tears come from?

\- Alice, what's wrong? You should tell me earlier that you didn't like that kind of movies, I would have turned it off. Please stop crying … director would be so ashamed if he saw that his horror made somebody cry instead of trembling with fear. – I looked at her more closely. She was running away with her eyes, probably afraid to catch eye contact. It was strange and not typical for her.

\- It's not … ehh … I'm mean it's sad that in the end … that Julia became blind, but … it's not about that … – Because of tears running down her face, she wasn't able to speak clearly. And unfortunately, her sobs were getting more intense with every word.

\- Alice, come on, please stop. – I gave her tissue and when our hands met, she squeezed mine so tight. Obviously something was wrong, and I started to doubt that it was connected to " _Los Ojos de Julia_ ".

\- Maybe … perhaps I'm like him …

She dug fingernails in my hand, but I stayed calm not to make her cry harder. I had no idea what she was talking about.

\- Like who? Alice, I don't understand.

\- Like Angel.

She said that very softly and quietly, as if in fear that if I heard that, I could agree and nod. I didn't understand why she was saying something like that, so I decided to make a joke to diffuse the situation.

\- So from now on I should lock the door at night not to get killed, right?

It was stupid and definitely wrong decision, cause she began to sob harder. I tried to hug her with my free hand but she refused with movement of her arms and releasing of my other hand, which she had been squeezing till then.

\- I'm sorry if I …

\- I don't want to be … like him … like invisible person … – She was gasping for air and still crying, but decided to come into my open arms for comfort.

Why hadn't I understood that earlier. She was referring to the fact, that he was invisible for everyone and that hurt him so much … and became the reason for his obsession.

\- Alice, I see you. I've seen you from the first day, when I met you. Even in coma, when you were so silent and calm I was able to see you so clearly.

I felt as if she wanted to get deeper and deeper in my arms. I wanted to help her, to calm her down, to save her from her fears but I couldn't hold her so close to me, it was too risky. I pulled her in front of me.

\- Alice I see you. – I repeated, looking into her eyes, so red and still full of tears.

\- I know but why is there nobody looking for me?

\- I don't … – I stopped cause that answer which came to my mind wasn't good, but before I was able to think of something else Alice started to explain her point of view.

\- You don't know why and I don't know for sure but it could be probably true answer. Before accident I was lonely person, without family and friends, nobody cared for me cause nobody could see me, I was invisible like him. And now for my neighbors or coworkers there is no difference in the world without me, cause, when I was there, they didn't see me at all. So nothing has changed for them after my disappearance.

\- It couldn't …

\- Stop Sue. Let me face it. It's not nice, but I have to do it. Just think, if I had family, anybody close in life, after almost one year, how it would be possible for them not to look for me?

I saw in her eyes so much concern, fear, despair that it was almost not possible, that she was talking that way only because of the movie.

\- Did you read it?

\- Yes, after dinner I saw that report in the kitchen. There was my name on the envelope, so I looked inside and read. Still nothing in any missing person database, but you have known that already, right?

\- Are you mad at me?

\- No. I'm just sad. It's hard to face that nobody cares for you.

\- I care for you.

\- Is that the reason why you have paid so much money for monthly research process? Now you can terminate that contract, it's useless. It's waste of your money.

I heard in her voice that she was mad, angry, frustrated. But she shouldn't, I had done it selfless, just for her. I hadn't wanted that report for myself, cause its results could take her away … and when I had read it, I had breathed a sigh of relief, but she hadn't been able to know it.

\- I just wanted to help you Alice. I didn't want to show you that as long as there wouldn't be any positive information. I don't know what to say more.

\- So never.

\- I couldn't believe that somebody like you, so wonderful, nice, warm, funny, beautiful, could be so alone. It's unbelievable for me, so I will check these reports every month and one day there will be information about missing person, which description will match you. But I also hope that when you find them or they find you, you will still have some place for me in your life.

\- Always. – She told still by tears.

She hugged me so close. Now it felt good, I wasn't afraid, but still couldn't catch my breath. I wanted to have her in my life, even only as a friend, as long as it would be possible. Because of her my life was finally not empty and honestly, for me she wasn't invisible at all, furthermore she was the only one person I could see. I loved her. It was the first time I named that feeling. Realization of that was like miracle and curse, at the same moment. She was still hugging me, when vision of Lizzie showed up in front of my eyes " _Mummy, why have you forgotten about me? Don't you love me anymore? Is she the only person in whole world you care about? Why haven't you visited me even once since 28_ _th_ _of January?_ " She was so right, I meant she wasn't right at all, but it could look like that. I hadn't been at cemetery for almost month. Lately I hadn't been thinking about Lizzie so much. _"Fuck, once again I'm a horrible mother."_ I released myself from Alice's hug, said simple " _Good night_ " and went upstairs. I had to catch up on my forgotten routine.

Susan went upstairs in a hurry. Maybe she had felt uncomfortable because of hiding these reports from me. Or maybe my crying session had taken her out of balance. Anyway, I thought about her words. I had known before that she had cared about me, all her actions had proved that, but when I had heard that few minutes ago, it had sounded so good and had lighten up my mind and soul immediately. I wished that I had told her something more than " _Always_ " in return of her question about place for her in my life. It meant a lot to me that she wanted that. She was the best part of my life. I could start dancing and working, whatever, but without Susan, without possibility to share all that with her it would mean nothing. When I had been on my way home, I had been so excited about course, but it had been most important to tell Susan, to see her reaction, to share my excitement with her. And I wanted to tell her, how important she was for me. Because of tears I hadn't been able to do that before. But at that moment I felt unstoppable need to do that. She had to know that I cared so deeply about her, that I was not only grateful for everything she had done for me, but I had other feelings. I couldn't named them, but I was sure that I cared about her, needed her in my life and wanted to spend time with her. It was simple – she was the only one close person in my life, but not because of coincidence, I had met a lot of people at work, with whom I had started to make friends, there was Danny. I liked to talk and laugh with him. But Susan was the only one, with whom I could feel real connection, she was just wonderful, amazing woman. I had to tell her all of that.

I went upstairs and knocked on her bedroom's door, but before I heard " _Come in_ ", I pushed the doors and walked in. The view I saw was unexpected. On the floor, there were lying frames with photos, Susan was sitting on her bed, with something in her hands, another frame probably. And she was crying hardly. When she saw me, she panicked, ran up to me and tried to push me out from room. But I didn't let her do that, instead I put my arms around her, hugged her tightly and let her cry out, whatever she had to cry out. Few minutes had passed before she was ready to go out from my embrace. She looked at me with penetrating gaze. Her eyes were asking me " _Why?_ ", but she didn't utter that question. Instead of that she started to collect frames from the floor.

\- Can I help you? – I didn't want to make her more sad and I wasn't sure what could happen if I started to collect frames with her, if it wouldn't cause another panic attack.

\- You shouldn't …

\- So you are so selfish, you can help me as much as you want, but won't let me help you, never? Great!

\- It's not that. – She wasn't looking at me. I was talking to her shoulders, while she was crouching on the floor, with increasing number of frames on her knees.

\- So tell me why?

\- It's my past. You won't understand that.

\- No way, you think that because I don't have my own past, I couldn't understand yours?

She stood up, put all the frames on the bed and turned around to me. I could feel all that tension, which filled the room. It was too dark to see details of photos, but it was obvious that it had to be related with that lost star, she had been talking about in the light of the moon. Susan came closer to me, put her hand on my face and took deep breath before she spoke up.

\- It's not about that.

She took long pause. She wasn't about to tell anything more, we were just standing close. Her hand on my face was burning me, I had no idea what I should do. I wanted to kiss her hand and hug her tight to wash away all her sorrows, but on the other hand I couldn't act so spontaneously and I was sure that she expected me to do something totally different. She probably wanted me to go away without asking any questions. I was about to do that, when I asked myself " _What would she do if she saw me crying? Would she go away afraid of my bad mood or would she try to reach me, to help me?_ " The answer was obvious – she would do everything to help me, even against my wishes. That was what friends were for.

\- So what's going on, Sue? You can trust me.

\- It's not about trust.

\- So what? About missing somebody so much? You probably think that I can't understand that because of my amnesia.

\- No, Alice. No. I just … I'm afraid to share my past with you, cause … it's so dark.

\- Susan, I come here to tell you how important you are for me, earlier I wasn't able to do that because of my tears. I really care about you. You are my best friend, the only one. I hope that we could be even closer … – I stopped there. I wasn't sure what exactly I was supposed to say. And definitely didn't want to do something inappropriate, to hurt her more.

\- What do you mean? – She looked at me, as if she was waiting for some verdict.

\- Closer, like … you know, family or I don't know. I'm not good at giving names to things or feelings. So just call it closeness.

\- I want it too.

\- So let me help you.

\- Alice you are helping me, more than you could see.

She was standing there in front of me with her blue eyes, with all her sincerity and kindness. She was too good for me. In every meaning. I couldn't take advantage of her naivety. She was alone without her past, so she wanted to stick to only person, she knew. She wanted to have family. I wanted that too, so badly, but how could I burden her with my demons. I loved her, my realization caught me again. But I was determined to do the right thing. I should finally be mature enough to love somebody in selfless way. To love her and care about her without asking for anything in return. Even with Lizzie I had failed with that, I had been loving her so much, but in return had always expected her to make my life normal, to cure me, to wash my sins away.

\- Susan, look at me. I mean it, let me help you.

\- I'm looking at you.

\- Not exactly, you look somewhere beyond me. Maybe I'm really invisible. Maybe I'm not good enough to be your friend, to be close to you.

\- No, no, no! Alice. It's all my fault, not yours.

\- What fault?

She was hurt by my silence. She took that too personal. Hurting her was the last thing I wanted to do. But on the other hand, how could I tell her about everything, what was connected and hidden behind these photos.

\- Susan, do you trust me? Cause I trust you completely … I'm not telling you about things, cause I don't know about them, so I can't and that's not because I don't want to. I couldn't share my past with you, cause I don't remember anything. And you do, and I see that hiding it hurts you.

\- I trust you. I just don't want to disappoint you.

\- How?

I gave up. She wasn't about to let go. And I didn't have strength to fight with her or to make up some stories. After all, she was the only one person in whole world, I deeply cared about, so if she couldn't understand my past, it wouldn't be real closeness. She had been the reason to change my life, maybe with her help I could completed that transformation with being more open and sincere. I didn't want to lose her friendship because of some secrets. After all, she could ask anybody in hospital, and everybody knew about my past. That official version. I just had to focus to tell her about that using right words. Without details and without lies – not to destroy that closeness and trust, but also not to scare her and destroy her faith in me.

\- Come, sit here with me.

When she was sitting next to me, on my bed, I turned on more lights and took first frame. It was fate, it fell on the wedding picture, as if it had been the most important day in my life.

\- It's my wedding picture as you see. It's Max. Max Willsburn. He was great lawyer and so good man with big heart. Everybody said that we were nice couple. The wedding was beautiful. What can I say more?

What the bullshit I was saying. But I had no idea what more I could tell about Max. What should I tell, that I had loved him, that he had been handsome, I had no idea. Alice was looking at me with patience and understanding. She didn't say anything, still holding my hand, to show her support. I put that picture and took next one. When I saw it in the full light, I felt that soon my eyes would be fulfilled with tears again. But I was aware that I had to be strong cause I had decided to make that confession.

\- That one is the first picture of our family. It was taken in hospital, few hours after labor. It's Elizabeth, Lizzie. My little girl, my star. She was so tiny. When for the first time I was holding her in my arms …

It was too much, I pressed that frame to my chest and let tears fall. I hadn't been talking about my loss and feelings with anybody, that had been the reason why I had been hiding in my loneliness and my routines. Since funeral I just hadn't wanted to talk about that … never. Alice put her arm around me and laid my head on her shoulder, we were sitting in silence … silence intermittent by my crying. After my tears had dried up, I decided to say that last thing. The end of the story, the point. I searched for that photo to show her why I had been crying. I didn't have to look at her to see her reaction, when she saw that … I heard her sigh.

\- And that one, the last one was taken at cemetery. I didn't want anybody to take pictures, but when few days later I got that one, I couldn't be more grateful. Sincerely grateful. Now, it's my last memory with them. Our goodbye, premature farewell.

Before that night I had suspected that her past had been painful, that she had been running away from some bad memories, but reality exceeded my worst predictions. Susan was dealing with loss of her family, her daughter and husband. Could there be anything worse than that? Comparing with that my accident and amnesia was something so unimportant and small. I was holding her in my arms, trying to take away even the smallest part of her pain.

\- Alice?

\- Yes?

\- I'm not good at talking about past, so could we …

\- I'm not good at that too. – I was an idiot to joke that way in such serious situation, but fortunately she lightly smiled at me.

\- That's true. But Alice, I just don't want to talk about that anymore. It's better. It's easier.

\- As you wish, but if you ever need to talk, I will be there. Remember about that.

\- Yes. Thank you.

\- No Susan, you shouldn't thank me. I want to thank you. For everything.

When she was calm and her eyes were completely dry, I went upstairs. It was about 2 AM, but I was sure that I wouldn't fall asleep easily. In my mind there were mixture of thoughts, which weren't easy to sort out. " _How can I help her, without pushing her? … Sometimes maybe it's better not to remember at all … Perhaps she sees her daughter in me, that's why she is helping me … They were nice couple, she looked amazing in that dress, like a princess … so elegant and extraordinary … I'm her family now … Lizzie, how old was she when she died and how? … Susan is the strongest person I know, I know now, in my new life … Max somehow didn't fit with her on these pictures … fuck I don't have right to think that way … How could I show her that I care about her? … I want her to see me, not somebody else in me! … Lizzie was so tiny … so horribly small coffin … Beautiful dress, white dress like in my dream …_ " From these thoughts I came fluently into dreaming and I was dreaming about Sue. She was dancing with me in some room full of white flowers, lilies probably. We were happy, but I didn't know the reason of that state of mind.

Only few hours ago there had been one moment, when she had been holding me so close and I had been almost ready to confess whole true, about me, about accident, about events that had preceded it, not that official version, she could have heard at hospital, from Lindsay or other nurse. I had felt need to tell her why I had been feeling so guilty, why I had been so sad and devastated, why she had changed my life and how she had done it. But when I had freed myself from her embrace and had looked at her, I had seen her eyes, she had been so innocent and good, how could I have told her about my sin.

I was laying in my bed, thinking about all that had happened during the day. " _Dancing course, research report, talk about being invisible, her tears, my realization about loving her, guilt connected with missing visits at Lizzie's grave, photos, my tears, fighting with myself about reveling the past … definitely too much for one day … I love you Alice and I want you to be happy, so I can't do anything to destroy you. I promise. I won't repeat my own mistakes. I will love you and care about you without asking for anything in return, I will simply enjoy having you in my life as a friend or family member. I can stand lonely nights, but I wouldn't be able to go through lonely days anymore."_


	31. Chapter 31

**CHAPTER 31 – Time for changes and discoveries**

 ** _Camp Hill, 2015, first week of March_**

It was long day, and with every minute my impatience was growing. To make everything worse, when it was 3.52 PM, crazy old lady with cats' food showed up. It had been her regular timing lately, but today she looked somehow different. She was unexpectedly calm, maybe even sad, instead of indomitable anger and malice, which had always surrounded her. When I was scanning bag with fodder, I noticed that the package was damaged.

\- I'm sorry, I can't sell you that one, it's half-opened. Could you wait here while I … – I was interrupted by silent sound of her whisper.

\- No ... – I couldn't understand any other of her words.

\- I'm sorry, could you repeat.

\- It's not important. It's all senseless. I don't need that at all.

\- Don't you want another one of that?

\- No. I don't know why I took it in the first place.

\- Maybe, because you come here every day. It's like a routine. Sometimes I even think about recommending you some bigger economic bags, which could last longer but ...

\- Yes, I used to buy bigger bags, when Lili was alive, but now it's senseless.

\- What do you mean?

\- I have to go.

I didn't have time to say my standard sentence about coming back to our shop again, cause she had been gone already. It was strange conversation, but there was something deep in it and I was really interested what was bothering that old lady. Maybe after all she wasn't so furious and rude without some reason. And she had made that 8 minutes passed so fast. I had " _5, 4, 3, 2, 1, 0_ " seconds to the end of my shift. After counting in my mind, finally it was 4 PM and I could close my check-out line. All day long I had been thinking only about my first dance training, which from that moment would start in one hour. When I was living Walmart, I was deep in thoughts about twines, turns, jumps, synchronization of movements, as if it would be possible to get ready to dance, in some theoretical way. I was so focused and lost in thoughts, that simple vibration of my phone, scared me and made me jump. It was text message from Danny.

" _Tomorrow evening, the same place, reduced cast, only you and me?, DANNY_."

I wasn't sure if I wanted to go out with him. " _Only two people, it will probably be more like a date. Do I want it? I will think about that tomorrow._ " I was sure that I used to hear that last part of sentence before, but where and when? I had no idea.

\- Hello, can I come in?

I entered exercise room with some embarrassment caused by two minutes delay. Inside, there were five girls and three boys, and I didn't have to look at them for long time to get realization about their professional appearance. Professionalism was shown not only in the way they were dressed, but also in synchronization with which they looked at me. And my leggings with tunic didn't look good any longer, at that situation and circumstances it seemed to be inappropriate training suit. Fuck.

\- Alice, right? – The voice from the other side of the room belonged to some man.

\- Yes, that's me. I'm sorry for being late, but it was hard to find that room. And it's my first time here.

\- Yes, that's ok. We know, that you are new. Please come in.

\- Thank you. – I smiled at him, cause he seemed to be more friendly than rest of people there, who were strangely looking at me.

\- Welcome in our little dance troupe … group, please welcome Alice.

\- Welcome, Alice. – Wow, they were professional and stiff even in welcoming people. Maybe it wouldn't be as nice as I used to think. But I had to try.

After thirty minutes of warming-up, real training should started. But before it happened, that more friendly man, our instructor, whose name was Nick, came to me.

\- Alice, because all people here, expect you, where members on our last season's edition of professional dancing course, and you chose as you start-up edition for instructors, we have to see what you know and can do, to check if you fit here, ok?

\- Ok. But what do you mean exactly?

\- Samantha, could you come here?

\- Yes, master! – Girl named Samantha came to us. She was brunette, taller than me, very slim and I had to admit that she was an owner of quite nice body, dressed in professional training suit of course.

\- Samantha will perform some figures and then you will repeat them, of course if you will be able to, is it ok Alice?

\- Yes, master! – I tried to repeat her response to show that I was good at repeating but my joke was probably misunderstood, cause both of them looked at me with little disgust in their eyes. Maybe they thought that I tried to mock them.

\- If everything is clear, we will start with something easy. Samantha, please show arabesque to our new friend.

I had no idea that having your leg up behind your back should be called arabesque, but it was indeed easy start-up.

\- Flat back, now. – Our master ordered.

To the last position I had to add some moves of arms, but it wasn't complicated at all.

\- Samantha, now something at higher level. Plie with hands, down and up, twice.

Maybe it wasn't exactly what he had planned to do with that test but his words made me think that being an instructor would be difficult, if I had to remember all these strange names of very simple figures.

\- Good Alice. Really good. Now the last one. Samantha, final test for Alice and also for you, grand jete or single twine, you can choose.

\- Grand jete is still out of my reach. – Samantha confessed with pursed lips and cloudy eyes.

And then she performed not so nice twine. Definitely mine, during karaoke session, had been better. I did full twine with some funny additional effects, cause I felt like dancing and not performing figures, and then I let my curiosity won over me.

\- Master, and that grand jeff, what is it?

\- Alice, grand jete, J E T E, not jeff, it's just grand jete, nothing less or more. And I mentioned it only to check Samantha's progress cause I knew that she planned to work on it, but I'm sure that it would be too complicated for you.

\- But you can tell me, right?

\- It's useless now, but if you want to know it's a jump from one foot to the other foot with a large opening of the legs, in the air of course, with completely straight both legs. If you have to know now, but anyway we have whole three months to achieve that.

In my head I tried to transformed that definition into something simpler. _"One foot – I will stay on left one, then I'll have to jump, so I will bounce from left foot and in the air I will have to do twine and then I will land on the right foot. Simple. Maybe. Anyway I'll try. Now."_ And I did. It had to work out well cause I heard applause from another side of the room.

\- Alice, I'm impressed and also shocked a little bit.

\- So I can stay in that group?

\- Yes of course, but why the hell in the application form you haven't mentioned any previous courses and just wrote that you had no experience, just interests in dancing?

\- I don't know master, but probably because I have an amnesia.

Once again all of them reacted synchronically (except Samantha, who was looking at me with unhidden anger), that time they were laughing very loudly. Again I was misunderstood, cause at that moment I wasn't joking at all.

After warm-up and that testing part we spent whole hour on very interesting exercises. I couldn't remember all these names, but all moves itself were amusing and great to perform. It was good choice to start dancing. I felt that all over my body. I was excited.

\- Susie, where are you? Sue!

After my first training, I stormed into house. After not so nice beginning, it had been amazing feeling to dance, like a professional. And after first day I was completely sure that dancing was my destiny. I had to share all that excitement with Sue. But she wasn't there, nor in kitchen neither in living room. But I heard some noise upstairs so I went there without any hesitation. Door to her bedroom were closed, but at that moment I didn't care about that. After that evening when I had interrupted her there while she had been crying with all these photos on the floor, she hadn't been locking her bedroom anymore. So I walked in, according to some noises sure that she was inside. But definitely I wasn't ready for what I saw. She was standing with her back to me, totally naked, with wet hair on her shoulders and perfectly shaped butt, totally uncovered.

\- Wow. – I couldn't stopped myself from letting out some sign of admiration caused by what I saw.

When she heard me, she turned around in panic and shock, her face definitely showed these emotions, but instead of covering herself, she was standing there naked, revealing to me even better view. It was probably rude but I checked her from toes to neckline, giving much attention to breast's sector. She definitely had an amazing body. I could admire that view for the long time, but after few seconds of some kind of paralysis, she covered herself with blanket taken from her bed and gave me look, as if she was my teacher and I was some naughty underage peeper.

\- What the hell are you doing Alice? – According to sound of her voice she was raw teacher.

\- I …

\- What? Don't you know what's knocking for?

\- I …

\- And why are you staring at me as if you see some ghost?

\- I …

I didn't know how to respond to that, I had been too excited to think about anything, when I had been entering her room. But why had I been staring? Had I been staring at all? Hell yes, I had been staring a lot … probably because I had loved what I had been seeing. Susan was so attractive and good looking. But how could I tell her that without being kicked out from her house?

\- Alice?

\- I'm sorry. I don't know, I was so excited about dancing, wanted to tell you everything about today's training. So I forgot about knocking and when I saw you, hmmm … I was just shocked that at your age you could have so perfect body. And I was simply staring. Sorry.

\- Great, so you expected me to be all wrinkled and covered with cellulite. Now, I feel like some one hundred years zombie. Thanks Alice.

\- Fuck, it's not what I mean. – I looked at her, dazed. I couldn't do anything else than laugh at my stupidity. – I'm an idiot, Sue. You should consider whether you want to share a house with such a fool.

\- Unfortunately, I do.

\- So maybe you should consider closing your door or wearing underwear, hmm? – I saw that she had been more relaxed already, so I could jump out of a wit.

\- Ok, so not to shock you again I promise not to get naked in my bedroom anymore, only quick showers and then immediately covering all nakedness with towels or other stuff.

\- Deal.

\- It's nice blanket but …

\- I'm closing my eyes. You can safely dress up. – I winked at her and covered my eyes with hands. But maybe at heart I was like a little underage peeper, cause I left little gaps between fingers to admire her butt and boobs once again. That view gave me nice thrill and some throbbing, which source was located between my legs. That scared me a little, so I quickly turned around and ran downstairs in a hurry.

After few minutes Susan joined me in the living room. I felt uncomfortable but decided not to show her any of that. I couldn't act like a fool, I had been foolish enough to stare at her speechlessly, so I couldn't reveal that I had been getting any inappropriate feelings because of her body.

\- So finally I can tell you about my day, right? – I tried to control my voice and made it sound normal, as if nothing had happened.

\- Don't act as if I didn't let you do it on purpose or something like that.

\- I don't. But your purrrrrfect body stopped me. It's all because of it! – I laughed wildly. She joined me. It was closed subject, hopefully.

\- So tell me about everything. Now my body consists only of the ears, they are quite big and unattractive, so you won't be paralyzed anymore. – While saying that Sue placed glass with wine in my hand. – And what we should drink to?

\- Friendship?

\- Definitely!

\- And new experiences?

\- Even more perfect. So how it was?

\- First little strange, cause they thought that I was some newbie, lost in space. But then I showed them what I was capable of and I was in. We started to do exercises and that felt like something I should do. It just felt so good to move and dance, especially last part of training when we added music to it. Felling music and dance to it, that is just perfect purrrrfection.

\- I'm so happy for you. – She gave me a smile. But she smiled not only with her lips but with her eyes, wrinkles on forehead and also with moves of her shoulders. She was amazing. But as we had decided earlier we should drink to friendship, friendship was key word there, I had to focus on that.

\- And how was your day?

\- Good as always. Don't forget that I love hospital with unconditional love.

\- And your patients, too.

\- Yes, I love my patients too. – It had to be an illusion, but I got the impression that after saying these words she looked at me somehow different than usual. Maybe it was another repercussion of that stupid situation with my staring at her naked body.

\- Something special happened? – I asked, cause silence wasn't good for that moment.

\- I had two surgeries and one quarrel with doctor Balder. It was quite interesting.

\- I don't buy it. You don't look like a person who likes to argue.

\- I like to argue, but only with him.

\- Why, after all it's your boss?

\- But I always win. And I love how he gives up. And today in the morning we had quite big confrontation. He wanted my patient, little girl, to wait until next week for some tests, but after I gave him my arguments, we did it today.

\- Have anybody told you that you were an angel?

\- Not really.

\- So I'm telling you now. You are an angel, Susan. Mine … and for all your patients.

\- And now you have to show me some moves.

\- What?

\- Some dance moves, you practiced today. Don't be shy.

\- I'm not. But there is not enough place.

\- Really? This room is 80 quadrate meters large.

\- Yes, but I'm shy. I will agree, only if you dance with me.

\- No way, there is not enough place for one, but completely enough place for two dancers, including one clumsy girl. Are you kidding me?

\- It's my condition. You choose music and I will guide you.

\- No, no, no. I'm a horrible dancer, even La … Lizzie couldn't make me dance. – She stopped after saying her name and looked at me reproachfully. – I simply don't want. Ok?

\- Ok.

\- It's late anyway. And tomorrow I have to be in the hospital at 6 AM. I'm going to my bedroom now.

\- At 8.45 PM?

\- Yes, at 8.45 PM.

And she left. I had no idea what had made her sad in the first place, dance proposition or thought about her lost daughter. Maybe she had some memories connected with dancing and Lizzie. Maybe little Elisabeth had been prima ballerina. I had no idea and unless she would decide to tell me I could only guess. Normally I would ask her or go after her to make her talk and help her handle that sadness, but after that embarrassing event, I just couldn't.

I went upstairs, to my part of the house. It was early but I had no better things to do than getting a shower and going to bed. I didn't need that shower so badly, cause I had gotten one after training, but I felt that my intimate places needed some refreshment. I went into bathroom, took off my clothes and turned on the water. I let hot water fall to steamed up the cabin walls. I walked in the shower when glass was totally covered with steam. For the first time since afternoon, I let myself recreate that strange situation with Susan's nakedness. I was sure that I had been staring at her, that I had been admiring her fucking hot and sexy body, and now when I was alone I could admit that I had so badly wanted to touch these boobs and butt and even some thought about going further had crossed my mind. " _Yes, I liked her body, she turned me on. She did it without doing anything special, simply standing in front of me. And as strange as it is, I'm still fucking turned on. And I so badly need some little touch here and there."_ With two fingers I parted my own labia and checked it. The entrance to vagina was wet as some river's source and with simple, light touch it began to pulsate. There was no more time to think, I was pushed to act on these needs and desires. I put two fingers inside of me and started to move them rhythmically inside and out. When I was doing that, I closed my eyes and in my mind I was seeing different visions – Susan's boobs, my hands on her hips, her smile, close-up of her lips, girl in white gown, Lindsay and Maria's French kiss in the club, Susan's wet hair, Danny calling me Sleeping Beauty, girl from my dream, Susan's butt, boobs, her vagina or my imagination about it, me inside of her … yes putting my fingers deeper into my own vagina, I was daydreaming about being inside of her. With speeding up of my breath and moves of my hand, visions were changing faster and faster, like in kaleidoscope. Finally everything stopped for few seconds, it was finished. I had just finished that thing with myself. After long and intense orgasm I sat down in the shower, letting water fall all over me. For some short period of time there was emptiness in my mind, I wasn't thinking about anything, just resting in the water. But then some realization hit me with big power. _"It's starting to make some sense. Indeed I may be a lesbian. That dream and my recent behavior, it's quite obvious. But how can I be sure without my memory? How can I check it? I can't do anything to hurt Susan, to make her feel uncomfortable or worst of all, to push her away from me. But if I was sure, maybe I would be able to win her heart, to make her forget about past. She likes me and cares about me so maybe … but with doubts it wouldn't be possible to start anything real at all. I have to check it. Now! But how?"_ Then totally unexpected Danny came to my rescue. I remembered about his text message. " _Yes, that could work out. If I am not able to check my lesbianism, I could check whatever I am hetero or not._ " When I left shower, still excited and wet, trying hard to push away vision of Susan's body mixed with strange pictures of girl without face, that one from my dream, I texted Danny back, to say that I would be more than happy to meet him tomorrow, just the two of us, on official date.

I had to run away. I had no idea who should be embarrassed more – Alice because she had been staring at me and she had forgotten about knocking, or me because of my nakedness or maybe because of the fact that for the first time I had started to pronounce name of Lana in front of her. Considering dancing with Alice, I had remembered about our dance, the last one, maybe even it had been the first one at the same time. But I didn't want to think about it at all. " _And what was it? That sentence about my love for patients. Fuck, it's starting to be harder with every day._ " I turned on laptop to search some publications about innovations in traumatic surgery. Next week we would have symposium with surgeons from whole Pennsylvania, held in our city. I had to be prepared.


	32. Chapter 32

**CHAPTER 32 – Daily routines / emptiness fake happiness simulation**

 ** _New York, 2015, mid March_**

\- Yesssssssss! Nikki don't stop, pleeeeesssss!

\- San, shhhh!

She put her left hand on my mouth, while her right hand was inside of me and her lips went back to suck my nipples. I was so close to scream with excitement and delight, so I tried to bite her hand to free my mouth. But she didn't let me do that. Maybe after all, while I wasn't able to scream my orgasm lasted longer and was more intense. That time it worked perfectly well.

\- Next time I will gag you before the start.

\- Blah, blah, blah.

\- Everybody in the office would hear you, if I didn't cover your mouth.

\- Do you care?

\- I'm the boss here, I don't want any gossips.

\- But for the next twenty minutes I will be the boss.

\- Really?

\- Yes! Miss Miller I order immediate undressing.

\- Did you check if doors were closed.

\- You didn't ask about that before you took care of me.

\- Yes, but it was easier, technically, with your dress. And I don't want anybody to see me with my pants below the knees.

\- Shut up!

\- Only bad boss speaks that way to employees.

\- I'm really bad.

I turned her around, put her hands on the desk and took off her trousers and panties. I started with kissing her back and gently caressed the parting between buttocks. When I felt that she was starting to move in the beat of temptation, I put my fingers inside of her. And began to whisper to her ear lyrics of some old song. I thought that it fitted perfectly to the occasion.

 _Your butt is mine  
Gonna tell you right  
Just show your face  
In broad daylight  
I'm telling you  
On how I feel  
Gonna hurt your mind  
Don't shoot to kill  
Come on, come on,  
Lay it on me  
All right..._

Well they say the sky's the limit  
And to me that's really true  
But my friend you have seen nothing  
Just wait 'til I get through...

Because I'm bad, I'm bad - come on  
You know I'm bad, I'm bad - you know it  
You know I'm bad, I'm bad - come on, you know  
And the whole world has to  
Answer right now  
Just to tell you once again,  
Who's bad...

\- Ooooo … – She moaned with pleasure, until I decided to end that with last move.

\- And now who is screaming?

\- Fuck you, San.

\- I remember that you used to tell that according to fucking you can only fuck me, so let's do it again, if you want.

\- No, it's enough for lunch break. Leave something for dinner.

\- And supper.

\- That's right.

We heard a gentle knock on the door.

\- Fuck, where is my trouser's belt?

\- I have no idea.

\- Fuck.

\- No one will notice that something is missing.

\- But that somebody behind the door will hear the sound of turning the key, that's for sure.

\- Don't worry. Now you are the boss again.

I went to open the door. Behind them I found Thomas, I could easily notice that he was quite nervous.

\- What's up? – I asked him as if nothing had happened.

\- All of our team is used to it and can stand that mid-lunch screams, but …

\- What are you talking about?

\- Don't play innocent, I won't …

\- Nicole and I, we were testing some ecological device to lure birds into breeding grounds.

At that moment I heard loud burst of laughter behind my back. It was Nicole. " _Fuck, girl you are not helping._ "

\- And as you can see one bird is lured. – Nikki added through laughter.

\- Come on girls. – Thomas blushed, came inside Nikki's office and closed door behind him.

\- Why are you so serious? – I asked him, cause now it was clear that everybody knew about us, and we should stop pretending.

\- We have small problem.

\- What? – Nikki asked him, already calm and serious.

\- Mr. Hatsumi is here.

\- Fuck, where? – She asked without any calmness. It disappeared immediately.

\- In the boardroom, it's the most muted place in the office.

\- How long?

\- About twenty minutes.

\- Fuck. Not good. What did you tell him about that waiting?

\- That you had a meeting.

\- Ok, give me five minutes, then ask him to my office. Send Miranda for some cake or something. Go, go now Thomas. Santana, you should leave too, go to your office.

\- Who is he, that Hasumi?

\- Hatsumi. One of the founders of the company, don't you remember that from initial training?

\- Not really.

\- It doesn't matter now. Please go. I have to prepare myself, if it is possible in 3 minutes and 32 second.

\- Good afternoon ladies. – Evidently it was too late for any preparations, cause some man, probably that Hatsumi, came in and greeted us.

I looked at Nicole. She was calm again, as if nothing had happened and she was more than happy to see him. I tried to excuse myself but he stopped me.

\- Young lady, don't you know that you should not leave the room without introducing yourself.

\- I'm sorry, I don't want to interrupt so …

\- Are you working here?

\- Yes, sir.

\- And you are?

\- Santana Lopez, one of our best sellers. – Nikki said that, as if she thought that I needed some help. Maybe I did, cause that man was somehow frightening, but I had no idea why.

\- Now you can go, we have some issues to discuss with Miss Miller.

\- Yes, sir. It was nice to meet you. Goodbye.

I didn't wait for his answer, just ran away to my own office. It had been nervous one and half hour before Nikki came. When she entered my office I wasn't able to read anything from her face.

\- What was it about?

\- I'm tired.

\- Something's wrong?

\- I don't know yet. He wants to retire, I have to find some new investor or he will enter the stock exchange.

\- Whether it changes anything for us?

\- Us or office?

\- There is no other us, than us as workers of ProHope. – I corrected immediately.

\- I don't know at that moment. I have to think about some investors, cause joint-stock company would be harder to work in.

\- Why?

\- President, vice president, board, executive director, chief executive officer and so on and so on. And now we are doing what we want, we are independent, only results matter.

\- So maybe we will think about that at dinner.

\- No, San. I have to think about that and take it seriously. And you know how our dinners look like.

\- But sex could improve creativity.

\- Not this time. I have to invent something to prevent us from working in corporation.

\- Ok, but tomorrow I won't let you get out of the dinner.

\- Deal.

She went out and I came back to working, still I had few phone calls to make and some e-mails to answer. March promised to be really good, it was highly probable to closed three contracts within two weeks. In my imagination I saw that amount of money from rake-off on my bank account, I smiled to that vision. I had to let Nikki rescued us, if we really needed that cause indeed I didn't want any changes in area of my working life. In private life, too. I could say that I was quite happy at that moment of my life.

\- I have only twenty minutes, so hurry up.

\- Some plans for another supper with breakfast? – Rachel looked at me with mixture of jealousy, curiosity, and perhaps a little joy.

\- It's not your business.

\- We are friends.

\- Roommates.

\- Don't be cruel. We are friends. – Kurt came to her rescue.

\- Yes we are, but it doesn't mean that you have to know everything about my personal life.

\- We are simply worried about you.

\- Don't be naïve Kurt, Rachel sounded as if she was simply curious and not worried.

\- It's not true. Anyway if we have only twenty minutes, we should focus on topic.

\- Now it's only eighteen minutes. – I clarified.

\- So, Kurt, as we agreed earlier, you will be Sam Carmichael.

\- Great, so you had some talks before, of course without me, so it will end up like " _Chicago_ " and I will get some ridiculously small part, without any meaning. – I was ready to explode. It was not what we had agreed to do, that time we were supposed to prepare and discuss everything together. It had been my condition to get involved in their final NYADA project.

\- Calm down. Have you been interested in playing Sam?

\- Don't be ridiculous. – I looked at Rachel with disgust. It was not what I had been trying to say. I was talking about general rules.

\- So, why are you so mad? For you, I booked Donna Sheridan's part. – I looked at her suspiciously. Frankly I had expected something more like supporting role, for example Tanya or Rosie. – Aren't you satisfied, San?

\- And you will be …

\- Sophie of course! – Rachel and Kurt synchronically announced. – So are you in?

\- Yes. I can agree with that. But now I'm leaving.

\- Text reading on Friday, book three hours for us. – Rachel commanded.

\- Ok. But now I'm going for that supper … with breakfast. – I winked at them. I was quite excited thinking about our musical. I couldn't wait to sing all these songs. Yes, yes, yes I was excited like little child before Christmas. " _Mamma mia!_ "

I was on my way to Nikki's place. I wondered if recently I had been staying overnight with her so often, as Rachel had stated. Last week it had been three times, but that week only once, cause yesterday she had to think about new investors for ProHope. Well, and I couldn't count weekends, because then, after party, cinema or dinner at restaurant, it would have been futile to go back to two separate places, without sex or after in the middle of the night. So it was just more comfortable, more practical and easier. At that moment I realized that from that night on the roof, after the " _Chicago_ " premiere, we had had sex on every single day, sometimes more than once, counting lunch breaks, only with short breaks for menstruation. I wondered if that had already become my daily routine, without which I wouldn't have been able to handle my life. " _And what if she gets tired of me?_ "

\- I'm sorry lady, I didn't understand, what you said. – Taxi driver looked at me in rearview mirror.

\- It's nothing. I was talking to myself.

\- In that case I won't interfere in your internal dialogue. – He smiled at me.

I came back to my deliberation. " _It's not possible. I'm too hot for that, comparing to her exes that I met on New Year's party. It's different league. They were nice, I am hot. Simple. Nikki won't give up such an opportunity, everything is just like she wanted – only pleasant emotions, good sex, fun. No crying on her shoulder. Friends with benefits option 2.0._ " I smiled to myself.

After few minutes of waiting, which had already made me quite angry, she opened the door. I noticed that she didn't look very good with eyes glazed, maybe with temperature, and reddened nose.

\- Do you have a cold or the flu? – I asked without any other greeting.

\- Why? – She looked at me surprised.

\- I don't know if I can kiss you or …

\- Don't worry, you don't catch it, it's not a sickness. – She said with evident resentment in voice.

\- I think that there was nothing wrong in that question.

\- Maybe only reason behind it.

\- Don't be so touchy. So if you are not ill, maybe we will do something to improve your mood.

\- I'm sorry San, I should call you, to tell that today's meeting is canceled.

\- Why?

\- I'm not in the mood for …

\- For sex?

\- For everything, including sex.

\- So, there is nothing for me.

\- Apparently.

\- So see you tomorrow in the office.

\- Bye

I was sure that definitely something was bothering her. Maybe I should have asked her. At that moment I was at taxi again, so it was too late, but maybe I should call her. _"No, it's not a good idea. I don't want any misunderstandings. We agreed that in our relation there would be no bad emotions, no crying, so if she was in bad mood, she … needed a friend, not me. But after all, I'm her friend too. Yes, but we shouldn't add any feelings to sex. We can meet to talk as friends, but it has to be clearly separated from sex. So now, when she knows that I come to her to have sex, I can't call her as a friend. Maybe tomorrow. Or maybe next day everything will be alright and we will be able to go straight to sex, without talking about some bad things at all. Santana Lopez, you are soulless!"_

I walked into the office, with smile on my face. I didn't want to show Nicole, that lack of sex, made my night tough and I was sleepy.

\- Good morning Thomas. Any messages for me?

\- Hi. I put one envelope on your desk.

\- Thanks. Nicole is in her office?

\- No. She took a week off.

\- What? Are you kidding me?

\- No. It's confirmed.

\- But why?

\- You should know better. You two are close.

\- Come on, I haven't seen her since we left office yesterday. – It wasn't whole true, but he didn't have to know that I had experienced some kind of rejection later at evening. I repeated my question. – So do you know why she won't be at work?

\- I'm not sure. Some family issues. She said that she would be out of town.

\- Great. I have to …

\- What?

\- Nothing. I'm going to my office now.

It was more than strange. Maybe yesterday she had needed some talk more than I had been able to notice. Maybe I should have stayed with her, even then when she had told that there wouldn't be any sex that night. Probably I should pocket my pride and call her now to ask what was happening, if something was wrong. But … I was not ready to that. I didn't want to show that I could care about that. " _Of course that I care about her as a friend, but that is all. And friends won't call you when you take week off from work. They don't call you to ask about private matters. … or maybe they do?"_

\- San? – Thomas looked through the door.

\- Yes?

\- Should I rewrite Nikki's meetings for you?

\- I don't think so.

\- She told me that you would replace her during that absence.

\- So if you know that, why are you asking? Just do it.

\- Don't be bitchy San.

\- I'm not. I'm so nice that I will share my interactive calendar with you, to make it easier.

\- San?

\- What else?

\- She was so sad and trembling when we were talking. I'm worried. Did you call her?

\- If you are worried, you should call her, not me.

\- Ok. – He walked out, after giving me strange look.

After two meetings, about 2 PM I gave up. Finally it was time to pocket my pride and call her. Maybe I deserved to go through that déjà vu, but like it had once happened after some misunderstanding, the same way that time but with another cast, hurt and probably offended girl was unavailable. " _Fuck, I won't call you again. I won't be searching for you. No way! You are not B… we are only friends. If you want to disappear, you have free way._ " After few minutes I got text message from her, so she didn't want to disappear, definitely not completely, not like ... like some other certain person.

" _Hi San I couldn't pick up the phone as you know I'm out of the city. There won't be sex meetings for awhile. You have to forgive me for that, I have some issues to care about. xoxo Nikki_ "

According to her message, she was in better shape and mood. She was able to add some joking and biting vibe to it. So it couldn't be as bad as Thomas thought. I answered her as neutral as I was able to, I still wasn't sure if she wasn't mad at me or if I shouldn't sound as if I was mad at her. I hadn't decided yet.

" _Hi Nikki. Good luck with all of your issues. If you need somebody to talk, call me. According to sex, don't worry I will take care of myself. Bye, San_ "

 _"_ _Thank God for all these meetings, phone calls from Mr. Hatsumi and that long, really long and periodically repeated script's readings with Rachel. It saved me … from going crazy because of shortage of sex_." I was aware that it was pathetic but during last week, since Nikki had left town, I had problems with sleep, with concentration, I had been moody, more than usual. I was terrified that maybe I was going back to the point, in which I had been during last Autumn. " _No, no, no. I'm not addicted. I could live without goodnight fucking … or maybe not? Fuck. Nikki come back! I'm missing …_ " In my mind I didn't finish that sentence. I was about to say to myself that I was missing sex but suddenly something was pushing me to say that I was missing her. " _Santana Lopez, calm down and focus. Just think straight. You don't miss her. You miss your therapy, unfortunately you have to admit that you are still in recovery and therapy is required._ " I really needed to stop that dialogue with myself, in ten minutes I would have meeting with new potential client. I had to be focused, professional and nice.

\- Are you busy?

\- Oh my God. You are back! – Without thinking I ran to her, threw my arms around her and began to kiss her lips passionately.

\- Wow, I didn't expect such a welcome. – Nikki looked at me with smirk, but I noticed that she looked somehow different.

\- I'm just happy to … – I was confused and she had a right to be confused too, cause I was acting like some waiting for return of her woman, longing wife. " _Fuck it shouldn't look that way._ "

\- I can feel that you are happy to see me or maybe to …

\- To get our rituals back.

\- That's right. But unfortunately you will have to wait a little longer.

\- What?! – I screamed without any inhibitions.

\- So now I'm sure that you were missing only my hands, lips and vagina.

\- Don't say it that way, it doesn't sound good.

\- But it's true.

\- Partially.

\- Completely.

\- Anyway. Why do I have to wait?

\- You are even not able to pretend that it was something more than insatiable lust.

\- Do I have to pretend, after all we are not a couple.

\- That's right.

\- So, tell me. Why?

\- You are stubborn and selfish, have you heard that before?

\- Not really. So?

\- I need five days to recover. I was bone marrow donor. That little surgery took place yesterday. So unfortunately I can't offer my services to you at that moment.

I was looking at her, not knowing what to say. I felt embarrassment. I was an idiot. And so fucking selfish. I was acting as if my needs should be priority for everybody, only because I had experienced some loss before and now needed special treatment.

\- I came here to talk to you, but as I can see you are not interested in talking so I should go.

\- I'm sorry.

\- Don't be sorry. I don't need it. Simply, I was wrong.

\- No. It's me.

\- I just wasn't aware that having sex with you would mean that we couldn't be friends anymore.

\- We are.

\- You don't act like a friend.

\- I just don't want to …

\- You don't want to feel something?

\- Yes.

\- You don't have to love me. And I don't love you. But something like that, when you see only my body and nothing more, it's not nice.

\- We agreed to have sex without commitment. To be friends with benefits.

\- But you forgot about word friends in it. It doesn't matter anyway.

\- You are right. I'm sorry.

\- Don't repeat that you are sorry. It's unnecessary.

\- So how are you? Does something hurt you?

\- Physically I am ok but … – She looked at me. For the first time since I had known her, I noticed real sadness and then teardrops in her eyes. Without thinking I took her hand and tried to comfort her with my touch.

\- But?

\- That bone marrow was for my sister. She has leukemia.

I missed my meeting, cause for next two hours I was holding her in my arms. I felt how badly she needed somebody to comfort her. She was terrified and heartbroken, at that moment I couldn't think about my needs, I couldn't be so cruel. After all I wasn't such a bad person. I realized that maybe nothing in our life could go on completely without feelings, in some emptiness, that even if we couldn't be truly happy, maybe it would be better to feel something, cause emptiness could mean only death. And at that moment I felt compassion, I cared for her as my friend and tried to help her. And what was also important I felt that I was needed.

Lyrics used in this chapter

 _Michael Jackson "Bad"_


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